Trust
by stormy-xxl
Summary: Saras world is slowly falling apart and Ecklie wants nothing more than to get her out of his lab. Can a trust building seminar with Catherine save her job and her life? CathSaraFriendship
1. Chapter 1

**Trust**

Disclaimer: CSI and its characters belong to CBS, Anthony Zuiker and Alliance Atlantis. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Saras world is slowly falling apart and Ecklie wants nothing more than to get her out of his lab. Can a trust building seminar with Catherine save her job and her life? CathSaraFriendship

Authors Note: This is my first fanfiction ever. I just got bored today and thought – why not. As you may notice English isn't my first language. So please ignore my mistakes. If you can't do that you could volunteer as my beta ;-)

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**Chapter 1**

"You did what?!" Sara couldn't believe her ears. He couldn't be serious about that. Well, it was Ecklie - of course he was serious about it. But Sara wasn't one to go down without a fight. "And why the hell would you do that? We get along perfectly well. There's no need to waste your precious lab-budget like that!" She was mad. She and Catherine may not be the best friends but since their famous big argument which got Sara suspended lay over a year back and since then they really got along. They still have arguments every now and then, but who hasn't. Her relationship with Ecklie was a completely different matter. Ever since Grissom refused to fire her, the assistant lab director was watching her every step, always waiting und hoping for a mistake so that he could finally get rid of her. Until today he wasn't successful.

"Yeah, sure. You two are the best friends!" came Ecklies sarcastic remark. Right now he wanted nothing more than to provoke her. He tried that a lot lately but unfortunately without success. Sara Sidle knew very well that if she lost her temper with him again her days as a CSI would be over - and Ecklie wanted nothing more than that. He knew that sooner or later she would do something that would damage the reputation of the lab and he couldn't let it get so far. The only problem was that she hardly reacted to him anymore. So when he got that mail a few weeks back he saw his chance and an idea started to form in his mind. If he couldn't get her to blow up without breaking the rules himself, Catherine sure could. They were like fire and ice and just because there weren't any big arguments lately, didn't mean that they got over their differences. Actually Ecklie was sure they didn't.

So his plan was to make Sara do something she really hated -talking about herself -and that with someone she didn't like. And the „Trust Seminar" as it was called in the advertisement was the perfect opportunity. Sara had to spend a whole week together with Catherine in a small hotel where nothing else could be find for miles than trees, a river and a personal psychologist who will try to workout their differences. If she refuses to go, he could fire her for insubordination, and if she will go there with Catherine she will loose her temper sooner or later and he can than fire her for that. It was a perfect plan to finally get rid of „Grissoms pet".

He already made all the arrangements. All that was left now was to tell the two participants that they will leave in 3 days for a little „vacation" to Louisiana. Ecklie figured he would start with Sara so could give her the pleasure to tell Catherine herself. And here they were. And Sara was already pissed. Oh, how much he enjoyed it when his plans worked.

„We are maybe not best friends, but I don't recall that as a part of the job description. We are professional on the job and that's all that matters." Sara knew that she was close to physically attack that little rat in front of her and punch that smug grin of his face. She also knew that that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted to provoke her with this. She somehow managed to avoid him over the last weeks and months. She wasn't in the mood for a fight. Actually she wasn't in the mood for anything. All she felt lately was depressed. And Grissom wasn't helping at all. Considering the fact, that her relationship with Catherine really improved the last year, she sometimes played with the thought to open up to her. Of course not completely but at least a bit. To finally have someone to talk to. Maybe that seminar was a chance after all. What pissed her off about it was that Ecklie just did it to get rid of her. And the worst thing was that he pulled Catherine in the middle of his personal war. And Sara was sure that her blonde coworker would be anything but happy to leave Vegas and her daughter for a week on such short notice. Which would result in Catherine being pissed at her and therefore Ecklies plan is likely to succeed.

Ecklie still sat behind his desk with his smug grin. „Well, you're right. It's not. But there are studies that prove that an improved personal relationship with the people you work with leads to better teamwork and therefore better solve rates. And you know, I just want the best for the lab." Sara had to roll her eyes on that comment. That was typically Ecklie. Always hiding behind his 'best-for-the-lab' excuse. But she new that fighting was pointless. He already made his decision. If she wanted to keep her job she had to make the best of it. So instead of a snappy remark Ecklie just got a sigh and a mumbled whatever. With that Sara turned around, the file the assistant lab director just gave her with all the information about their little trip in hand.

Well, that wasn't the reaction Ecklie expected, but he had one joker left. „One more thing, Sidle. Tell Catherine when you see her. I'm kind of busy right now." Without another word Sara left the office and slammed the door shut behind her. Ecklie just smiled to himself, pleased with his work, and returned to the paperwork that was lying in front of him. Soon all his problems would be solved.

Now Sara was really pissed. Telling Catherine that she had to go to a trust building seminar with her of all people was nothing she was looking forward to it. Especially not since Sara was obvious the reason they had to go there. But she wanted to tell her coworker the truth from the beginning. In the worst case all this could end with Catherine mad as hell and Sara being fired. In that case she could leave Vegas and would never have to face Catherine, Grissom or Ecklie for that matter. She didn't really care right now. Less than thrilled she went looking for her blonde coworker.

After checking all the labs, Sara finally ended in the breakroom, after Wendy told her that Catherine was out in the field. Actually everyone but her was out in the field, due to the fact that she again has maxed out on overtime this month and was now not allowed to do field work. Sara didn't even have paperwork she could do. Stuck in the lab with nothing to do, she grabbed a cup of coffee and headed for the couch, starting to think about was the next week would do to her life…if Catherine wouldn't kill her after hearing about the trip.

After two hours of coffee and thinking about the worst scenarios that could happen, Sara was anything but looking forward to that seminar. She knew how fucked up her life was and after what happened with Grissom she realized once again that people will just be disgusted and turn away from her when they know the truth about her past. It was always like that. So, should she risk the more or less stable relationship she had with Catherine and may loose the last respect the blonde had for her? Sara didn't know. All the thinking just confused her. But she made a decision: If the week won't work out and if Catherine would turn her back on her, too, than she would finally give up. She would leave Vegas. Sara doubted that anyone would miss her anyway. After Grissom broke up with her she distanced herself more and more from her friends. And now there was hardly anything left of her life. That is if you can call working, drinking and sleeping a life.

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AN: So, what do you guys think?


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks for all your reviews. I'm glad you like my idea so far. I put more spaces between my sentences – so I hope it's more readable now.

**Chapter 2**

When all her thoughts and the feelings they produced started to become too much, Sara finally decided that she had done enough thinking.

She filled her mug again and grabbed instead of the folder from Ecklie a magazine from the table. Maybe the latest fingerprint technology could distract her until Catherine was back from the field.

After she finished reading the first article she heard voices coming down the hall. She smiled when she heard those voices grow louder. Warrick and Nick were back.

"No way, man. You can't really believe that! That's just crazy." She heard Warrick say. "If you don't have a better explanation than I will stuck with that. It just makes sense. You know what? I bet 50 Dollars that she did it!" Came Nicks answer. "You're on, man!".

Sara shook her head. Will those two ever grow up? When they finally reached the breakroom they went straight for the coffee pot. After filling their mugs they turned around, ready to process the evidence they brought back from their crime scene, when they noticed Sara sitting on the couch.

"Hey, girl. What are you doing here?" Warrick looked surprised at his younger coworker. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Sara sitting in the breakroom reading.

Normally she would be somewhere around the lab processing evidence or looking at cold cases. She has always been a workaholic but something changed the last months. The brunette was working even more, taking less breaks, eating less and according to the bags under her eyes sleeping less.

Something troubled her – that was obvious – Warrick just didn't know how to approach her. They weren't exactly close.

At Saras raised eyebrow he noticed that she got his question wrong. "Don't get me wrong. I just don't remember the last time you took a break to read a magazine." Warrick said smiling, hoping she wouldn't feel offended.

Nick came to his support: "He's right, Sar'. You're normally bustling around the lab processing something." He too was worried about Sara lately. Nick always saw her like a sister.

They got along well, but she distanced herself more and more over the last month. She didn't joke around with him like she used to and she hardly went out with the group for drinks. So seeing her here, reading a magazine was definitely a surprise.

Sara had to chuckle at Nicks comment. "For your information: I don't bustle around. I process evidence most of the time. But believe it or not, right now there is absolutely nothing to do. I even asked Bobby, Archie, Wendy and Hodges if they needed help. But no luck so far. Everyone else is in the field and I'm stuck in here and bored to death. Want to help me out of my misery?"

Sara looked expectantly at her two coworkers. She would do anything to finally have something to do and distract herself from her thoughts about next week. The boys smirked back at her. "You asked Hodges? Someone sounds desperate."

Warrick couldn't help but grin at the thought of Sara asking the lab tech for something to do. That remark earned him a glare from the brunette. Nick decided to save his friend.

"I think we have enough evidence for three. You are free to join us." With that they began to fill Sara in on their case. Finally, Sara thought, finally something to do until Catherine shows up…

The case took Saras mind really of the trust-seminar-topic. She spent hours with Warrick and Nick going over clothing and a car. She was so engulfed in her work that she forgot to check if Catherine was already back.

When she finally realised what time it was – just before the end of shift – she cursed herself for the first time in her life for being so concentrated on work and nothing else. She excused herself from the boys and went looking for Catherine, but the blonde was neither in her office nor one of the labs.

Sara hoped she hadn't already left. While making her way to the locker room, the last place to look for the blonde, all the bad scenarios about Catherines possible reaction came back to the front of her mind.

After opening the door to the locker room Sara was relieved and scared at the same time. Sitting on the bench was Catherine Willows.

Sara studied the older woman for a moment since Catherine hadn't noticed her presence yet. Her coworker looked as good as always. The blonde always seemed to shine.

Sara knew it sounded crazy, but the woman made her feel better when she was near her, like she had some positive aura around her. That's why she wanted to be Catherines friend – now more than ever. Saras life was falling apart and she knew it.

After waking up screaming after a nightmare today again, she finally realised that she had to do something. She had to talk to someone or she would slowly loose her mind. Catherine seemed to be the best option around. Sara could just hope that the blonde wouldn't turn away from her.

A hand on her arm brought her out of her musings. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear her coworker stand up and move in front of her. Now she was staring in two concerned blue eyes.

"Sara honey, are you ok? I called your name a few times. You seemed lost." Sara closed her eyes for a moment. Lost was the right word. She was definitely lost.

Sara was touched by Catherines concern but knew that her mood would change soon after hearing about Ecklies great plan. After opening her eyes again, she realised that the older woman was still waiting for an answer. Now or never, Sara thought.

"I have to tell you something and I'm pretty sure you won't like it." With that she gave Catherine the folder she got from Ecklie and moved away from her to the other side of the room. Catherine looked from Sara to the folder and back to Sara who was now standing with her back to her.

Now she was really concerned about her coworker. The behaviour of the young brunette worried her lately. Sara looked like she hasn't slept in ages. Catherine also noticed that she lost weight. What ever was bothering her, it seemed serious.

And then there was Ecklie – always looking for a chance put her down. The blonde tried to look out for Sara, because against the general believe she truly cared about her.

Catherine took the brunette out for drinks a few times. But Sara never opened up and Catherine new better than to pressure her coworker. Now she was standing here in the locker room with the woman she thought so often about lately. Something was definitely wrong.

"Wanna tell me what's in there?" Catherines tone was soft as she tapped her finger against the folder. Sara didn't turn around, but started speaking.

"Look Catherine, I'm really sorry for that. I never meant to pull you into that." Sara paused, unsure how to continue. Catherines concern grew with every passing second. Then Sara went on. "Ecklie decided that officially you and I need to build on our relationship. He actually sends us to some shitty trust building seminar for the whole next week."

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. She opened the folder and scanned the documents. "Before you ask why he would do something like that. I have a pretty good idea. He finally unofficially wants to get rid of me. He's probably hoping that I either refuse to do that with you or that you are so sick of me after that week that you give him a reason to fire me. I'm really really sorry that you have to go there with me. I know that it's at a very short notice and that you rather be with Lindsey. Maybe I should just quit and save us the trip…"

With her last sentence a tear made its way down Saras cheek. She felt so weak and helpless right know and she hated it. Now she's not just messing her own life up but also Catherines.

A few minutes ago you were fine and now you are crying. Great, Sidle, you are really loosing your mind now, Sara thought bitterly. When she heard steps coming closer she prepared herself for Catherines outburst.

After Sara finished her little speech Catherine didn't know what to say. She was mad. Really mad. Not at Sara of course, but at Ecklie. How dare he? What was his problem? Sara had obvious enough problems even without Ecklie on her heels.

She took another look through the folder the brunette just gave her. The seminar started in less than 3 days. On short notice was definitely the right expression. What does Ecklie think who he is?

Before Catherine went on with her mental rant about the assistant lab director, she realised she still hasn't said a word to Sara. When she looked up to her coworker she noticed how the brunette obvious wiped away a tear.

Great, Sara really thought that this was her fault. Carefully she put the folder on the bench and made her way over to Sara. When Catherine stood behind her she noticed how the brunettes body stiffed.

Despite the urge to hug Sara she didn't, knowing her dislike of physical contact. Instead she started in her soft mother voice. "Sara, look at me." When Sara didn't move Catherine carefully placed her hands on the brunettes shoulders and turned her around.

The first thing she noticed were the watery eyes and the pain she could see inside of them. It almost broke her heart to the normally so strong woman suddenly so vulnerable. Sara still refused to look at her, preferring to stare at the floor between them.

"Sometimes you are really stupid." Sara flinched at Catherines words. Of course Catherine was blaming her. "If you think that I'm mad than you're right. But not at you, honey. That isn't your fault."

Saras head snapped up at that. That was something she really didn't expected. Maybe she started having hearing problems. But looking at the blonde, Sara just saw a smiling face. Catherine wasn't mad at her.

Relief she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. Catherine could just shake her head. That was so typically Sara. Always expecting the worst. She tried to reassure the brunette a bit more

"You know, Sara, sometimes it helps to use that big brain of yours. Why would I be mad at you? Ecklie is just an ass. We both know that. This isn't you fault. You hear me?" All that Sara could do was nod.

She didn't trust her voice right now. Catherine continued. "If Ecklie really thinks he can get rid of you like that than he's wrong. I'm going to have a word in that. With whom should I argue, when you aren't here anymore?"

She emphasized the last part with a big smile to signal Sara that she was just kidding. Sara got it and smiled shyly back. "Thanks. But what about Lindsey?"

"Don't worry about her. Fortunately she goes on a trip with her class tomorrow and won't be back before Friday. An my sister can take care of her for the last day."

Catherine gave Sara another one of her famous smiles and made her way over to the bench where she left the folder once again studying the documents. Sara was just stunned. Was that really happening?

The blonde didn't seem bothered at all by the idea. If Catherine was there then maybe there was still hope for Sara. She mentally kicked herself for being so paranoid in the first place. All the worry for nothing.

She made her way over to her coworker and sat down beside her. They had a lot do discuss.

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**AN:** Liked it? Hated it? Tell me! 


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: And here we go again. I have to thank you all for your reviews. Writing is so much more fun when you know there's someone reading it :-)_

_To El Gringo Loco: I'm sure Ecklies plan will backfire. But Sara isn't doing this for him, but for herself. She would easily get a job everywhere, but she doesn't want that. I think she feels kind of home in Vegas - maybe for the first time in her life._

_To MaeLace: This story isn't about romance - at least not between Cath' and Sara. It's about what the summary says: Friendship_

_To Ace47: You still up for playing beta? I tried to write you a message, but I think it never reached you. I have some probs with my account. I don't receive emails anymore - very strange. Anyway: If you are still intrested, just write me an email_

**Chapter 3**

Of course Catherine was mad at Ecklie. But instead of confronting him with his behaviour she figured it would bother him a lot more if she just ignored him. Sara didn't agree at first.

The young brunette might be one of best CSIs of the country but when it came to dealing with people she was almost as talented as her supervisor. She explained that Ecklie would get really pissed when he found out that his plan backfired.

Sara still didn't look convinced. She was obvious still worried about what would happen when they'll arrive at the seminar.

Unfortunately Catherine didn't get any more chances to reassure Sara as Grissom came into the locker room with test results from their case. She cursed his timing.

The blonde would rather talk with Sara than with some stupid suspect. But she didn't really have chance. "You go ahead. I'll be right there." Satisfied with the answer Grissom nodded and left the room again.

Catherine turned back to Sara. "Look, this is going to work out. We'll make the best out of it. Don't worry." She hesitated before adding the last part. "And maybe we can build a real friendship."

When Sara just dropped her head, the older woman figured that that weren't the intentions of her coworker. A bit disappointed she made her way to the door. When she had her hand on the doorknob she heard a quiet "I'd like that."

Catherine had to smile at that. Maybe this was really the beginning of a great friendship. If Sara was willing to finally let someone in, she would take that chance.

And here she was. At home waiting for Sara to pick her up. They decided to take the brunettes car to the airport. The last days since her talk with Sara in the locker room were extremely busy.

They got a high profile case which made it impossible for the two CSIs to have a proper talk about the seminar. To be honest, Catherine was more than nervous. After finally reading all the details about the 'Trust Seminar' she was wondering if this was really such a good idea.

The brochure said something about a personal psychologist for every attending 'team'. It also said that the team members had to do trust building activity together and they were supposed to talk to the shrink as well as to each other about their fears, their hopes, their goals, their past, their future – practically everything.

Whereas Catherine didn't have a problem talking about herself she sure knew Sara did. The seminar is only passed when the participants get a certain score, the trust score, which will be given by the psychologist.

Even without talking to Ecklie these last days she knew that if Sara won't pass that damn seminar the assistant lab director will use that to justify firing her. The more she thought about it the angrier she got at him.

Catherine promised herself that she would do everything to make Sara trust her.

In the last hour she replayed her conversation with her younger coworker over and over in her head. In her anger about Ecklie she totally missed the last part of Saras little speech in the locker room.

But the longer Catherine thought about it the surer she got about what the brunette said. "Maybe I should just quit and save us the trip…"

That wasn't the Sara Sidle she knew. That wasn't the Sara Sidle who lived for her job. That wasn't the workaholic who would do everything to bring justice to the victims and their families.

But Catherine was certain that those were her words. "Maybe I should just quit." Those words scared her. Sara was willing to just give up.

It was sweet that she would do it to keep Catherine out of Ecklies way. But it said so much. For Sara giving up her job meant for her as much as giving up to live.

And that was something Catherine couldn't allow. The blonde hoped that she could rebuild some of Saras self-confidence over the next week.

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It was the third damn red light in a row and Sara started to get seriously pissed. Was now even the traffic system against her? All she wanted was being on time to pick up Catherine. Something that was never going to happen.

First she got stuck in a traffic jam that originated from a car accident. That alone cost her 15 minutes. Then she got the probably slowest driver in Nevada in front of her.

And since she managed to get ahead of that very driver she had to stop at every traffic light. Sara was convinced her life was cursed.

What a way to start this week. Being late to pick up Catherine und probably late enough to finally miss the plane. It would fit perfectly into her pathetic life.

Sara also wasn't sure if it was that bad to miss their flight. She thought a lot about the seminar the last days. They were busy at work thanks to high profile case which was at least important enough to let her pack in the field, even with her overtime.

But it also prevented her from talking to Catherine. Sara got sent home two times to sleep but was never able to. Instead her mind wandered to the week that lay ahead of her.

Sleep was overrated anyway. For what did god create coffee?

So she sat there in her dark apartment with a bottle of beer (probably not the smartest thing but she couldn't help it) and thought about her life and which parts of it she was going to reveal to Catherine.

Or better: Which parts could she hide. Her life with her parents was something she could talk about to a certain extend. Her older coworker would probably be understanding about that.

Then there was the death of her father. She didn't really want to go into that. She told Grissom once and she was sure he never looked the same at her again. There was always pity in his eyes.

Probably the only reason why he asked her out in the first place. But what would Catherine do? Sara didn't think she could take any more of those pity looks. How much did the shrink already know?

The next chapter of her life was foster care. Also nothing too pretty. She would tell them about just a few of the families she went to – or if she would tell them about all she would definitely leave the details out.

Sara didn't tell that part anyone and she wasn't going to change that. And if they forced her to do it she was just going to quit. Screw Ecklie. Screw the shrink. Screw everyone.

But if Sara was forced to reveal certain information about her life, what would Catherine do? Would she protect her? Sara didn't know what to think about her blonde coworker.

Catherine always fascinated her – despite their rough start. To be honest she admired her. Catherine was everything Sara wasn't.

She was beautiful, caring, authoritative, great with people, a loving mother, someone who knew what she wanted and how to get it, someone wasn't ashamed of her past but learned to deal and live with it - someone with a sexlife.

That and probably a thousand other things. Sara often wondered what Catherine might think of her. There were points in her life in Vegas when she was convinced that the blonde hated her. Especially after their argument which led to Saras suspension.

Sara wanted to make things right than – at least a part of her wanted. She wanted to apologize and maybe even open up to her, but the stubborn and scared part of her won.

Now she wanted nothing more than be Catherines friend. She just had to convince that stubborn and above all the scared part of her to trust her coworker, too.

Trust. That brought Sara back to her originally train of thought. With which information could she trust the blonde.

She could probably tell her about Steve. Catherine herself got hit by Eddie. That wasn't so abnormal. Sara was sure she could talk about that.

Than there was Hank. Considering hat Catherine already knew about him this part wouldn't be so hard either.

Grissom was a completely different story. Nobody knew about her and Grissom. He always insisted on keeping it secret. That wasn't really bothering her until he broke up with her and she hand no one to talk to.

That was when it started. The nightmares (sure, they were always there, but never so intense), the drinking, the depression. How do you tell someone you slept with her best friend behind her back for quite some time?

Catherine and Grissom knew each other for years. The blonde would always believe him more than her, Sara was sure of that. So, even if Catherine would be understanding with the rest of her life, the Grissom-thing will make her turn her back on her.

Where was the point in going to that damn seminar again?

As the traffic light switched back to green Sara started to drive again. She knew why she was going. Because she wanted to try one last time. Her intentions were good, but were they stronger than her fears. Only the next week could show.

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A few minutes later Sara finally arrived at Catherines place – just 15 minutes late. She jumped out of her car and sprinted to the front door, but before she managed to ring the bell the door opened and revealed a smiling Catherine.

"Hey there. I started to think you wanted to fly without me." Actually Catherines thoughts went more in the direction of 'Did she decide to quit', 'Did she leave the city' or 'Did she hurt herself'. But she wasn't going to tell her that.

Sara could do nothing but smile back at the blonde in front of her. "It was tempting, but somehow I resisted." Then her face grew more serious. "I'm really sorry Catherine. I really left my apartment on time, but traffic was a bitch. Sorry …"

Catherine interrupted her before she could mumble any more apologies. "It's ok Sara. Don't worry about it. This wasn't your fault." She emphasised the last part to make Sara understand that this as well as the whole seminar wasn't her fault.

Sara felt nervous. And she got the feeling that her companion was feeling exactly the same. She just didn't know whether to be relieved or even more scared.

To avoid the uncomfortable silence that started to stretch between the two, Sara started to look around and finally saw Catherines luggage and therefore the reason to break the silence.

"How about I put your stuff in the trunk and you lock the house?" Without waiting for an answer she grabbed the suitcase and carried it to the car. Catherine just sighed. This was going to be a long week…

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_AN: Any comments?_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Good news, guys: I finally found a beta! Huge thanks to Emily for helping me out here :-) And here we go ... _

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**Chapter 4**

Catherine grabbed her purse and her coat and locked the door behind her. Sara was already at her SUV looking for the best spot in the trunk to put the blonde's luggage.

The older woman observed her co-worker silently. She knew that the last few days had been busy and no one on the graveyard shift had been able to catch that much sleep, but Sara looked like she gotten none at all. Although that didn't really surprise her.

The closing of the trunk brought Catherine back from her musings. Before Sara managed to open the driver's side door, the blonde stepped in her way.

"Sara, don't get me wrong, but would you mind if I drove us to the airport? You look really exhausted and I actually want to make it to the seminar alive." She could only pray that the brunette wouldn't get mad at her.

Sara glared at her co-worker. Great, Catherine didn't even think she was capable of driving a car. She was about to snap back when she met the blonde's eyes.

They were, like three days ago in the locker room, filled with nothing but concern. Sara could drown in those blue eyes.

Her thought about starting an argument was forgotten and replaced by the realisation that Catherine was – of course – right. She was in no condition to drive.

She hadn't slept in days and the only things that kept her going were caffeine and adrenaline. It was even reckless to drive here. She should have taken a cab instead of putting everyone around her in danger.

Catherine watched Sara's reaction to her comment closely. Many different emotions were crossing the brunette's face. There was anger at first, then confusion, followed by realisation, and finally something that looked like defeat.

Before the older woman could say anything else, Sara wordlessly gave her the keys and made her way over to the passenger side, never meeting her eyes.

Catherine cursed herself for being so insensitive in her choice of words. She just wasn't used to that. The Sara Sidle she knew would never admit any kind of weakness, let alone allow her own car keys to be taken from her.

Catherine could deal with an emotional Sara, an angry one, but this was new territory. All she could hope was that the next week would work out somehow. For both of them.

With a sigh she opened the door and got in the car. Sara was already buckled in and silently staring out the window. Catherine started the car and backed out of her driveway.

The silence between them stretched on their way to the airport. The blonde was desperately looking for something to say. Something that would reassure her younger co-worker, something to relax her.

She just didn't know what, and the last thing she wanted was to upset Sara even more. So Catherine just remained silent and turned the radio on instead.

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Meanwhile in the lab…

Conrad Ecklie sat behind his desk – and he was fuming. How dare she treat him like that? This wasn't what he expected. He had no idea how Sidle did it, but she obviously had managed to get Catherine on her side.

And if it wasn't bad enough that the blonde had no problem going to that seminar, she also had totally ignored him these last few days. No one ignored Conrad Ecklie.

Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he had underestimated the situation. Sidle always knew how to save her ass. God knows what she told Catherine. Whatever it was, she was going to pay for it.

What if Sidle had been right? What if she and the pretty blonde really got along now? Ecklie never considered that option. That would mean that he needed a new plan or at least an improved version of his old one.

An evil smile appeared on his face. If his problems weren't solving themselves, than he had to help them out a little bit. With that Ecklie began to rummage through the files on his desk. After a while he finally found what he was looking for.

It was the brochure about the trust building seminar. He grabbed his phone and dialled the number listed as an information contact. When he heard the ringing on the other end of the line he leaned back in his chair.

If Catherine Willows wasn't willing to help him get rid of a certain brunette, then he had to call in a few old favours. It was really helpful that the head of the seminar was an old acquaintance….

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After what seemed like an eternity, Catherine and Sara finally arrived at the airport. The tension in the car was almost unbearable. Catherine tried a few times to start a friendly conversation, but after always receiving only monotone answers she gave up.

She figured her younger co-worker needed to rest before they could start on the 'friendship' project . Hopefully Sara would get some rest over the next week…

Despite the heavy traffic they were still on time. After checking in the luggage they made their way to the waiting area. According to the stewardess they still had to wait 20 minutes until they could board.

Fortunately, the waiting area wasn't too busy. So it didn't take Catherine and Sara long to spot two empty seats near their gate. After settling down, silence fell over them once more. The older woman was about say something, when Sara jumped up. She mumbled an "I'll be right back," And vanished down the hall.

Catherine closed her eyes and slowly massaged her temples. This was definitely going to be a long week.

Whenever one of her co-workers was in trouble or just needed some friendly words Catherine knew how to help them. But with Sara it was different.

Most of the time it seemed as if the walls the young brunette had built around herself for protection were to massive to be broken down. Then there were moments when those walls started to crumble, mostly after hard cases or in times like now.

Sara was always a private person and instead of asking for help she distanced herself from everything and everyone in order to build up those walls again. And if someone tried to help her she would lash out at them in anger.

That was the way Sara Sidle lived her life. Catherine knew she would never get through to her if Sara didn't want it.

But then sometimes she seemed like she really wanted it. Like three days ago in the locker room, where she looked like a lost child who needed and wanted to be saved. To sum it up: Sara Sidle was unpredictable - an enigma. A puzzle which Catherine wanted to solve.

Her musings were interrupted by the aroma of fresh coffee reaching her nose. She opened her eyes to find a steaming mug right in front of her face. The hand holding the mug belonged to no one else than Sara Sidle, who obviously found the floor extremely interesting because she was permanently staring at it.

Catherine shook her head. This was so typical Sara. Smiling she took the mug. "Thank you. I really need that." Sara gave her a shy smile and sat down beside her, her own coffee in her hands.

Again they were both silent. Catherine was enjoying her coffee when Sara finally spoke up. "I'm sorry." The blonde's head snapped up at that. What was she sorry for? Confusion was settling over her mind, but Sara still refused to look at her.

Before Catherine could formulate an adequate response, Sara continued in a small voice. "I'm sorry for my behaviour. This is all just …" She was looking for the right words. "… scary. I want to let you in, but then I get scared again. And then there is the possibility of loosing my job. It's just so much to deal with."

Catherine nodded and smiled. There was hope after all. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Carefully she reached for Sara's left hand, hoping she wouldn't pull away. When Catherine slowly entwined their fingers she felt the brunette flinch slightly, but she allowed the touch anyway.

"It might be a lot. But never forget, you're not alone. We deal with it. Together." She gave Sara's hand a light squeeze.

Sara looked from their joined hands to her co-worker and back again. It looked like she really wasn't alone. Nodding slowly she leaned back in her seat. "Together." She took a sip from her coffee and closed her eyes. That sounded like a plan.

With a smile on her face, Catherine watched her younger co-worker relax –probably for the first time in days.

They sat like that, smiling and holding hands, until their plane was ready.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: It took a while, but finally managed to finish this chapter. Thanks again to Emily for "removing my want-to-be-English" :-). And of course thanks to all of you out there - I just love getting your feedback._

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**Chapter 5**

Grissom sighed. He took his glasses off and began to slowly massage his temples. What a shift. It seemed like every criminal in and around Las Vegas decided to do something stupid tonight.

The graveyard shift was swamped with all kinds of cases. They had a B&E, a double homicide, a hit and run and, an arson.

And the worst thing about this was that Grissom was short two CSIs. Two _experienced_ CSIs.

And why? Because his dear friend, Conrad Ecklie, decided that Catherine and Sara needed to work on their teamwork. As if it wasn't known around the lab that, as a team, the two women had the best solve rates out of all three shifts.

And Ecklie didn't just send them on a typical one-day-seminar nor to one of those weekend seminars. No! He had to send them away for a goddamn week, leaving the graveyard shift with two less people for far too much work.

Grissom couldn't believe his ears as the assistant lab director told him about his "great plans". He wanted them to work out their differences.

Maybe Grissom wasn't the best when it came to people and their behaviour, but Ecklie's true intentions were obvious. He didn't care about how well the members of the graveyard shift worked together. He just wanted to remove the thorn in his side. The one that had been bothering him for a long time. Sara Sidle.

Of course he tried to reason with Ecklie. But since Ecklie was Ecklie, he couldn't change anything.

That bastard stole two of his CSIs. And that wasn't even the worst part. After Ecklie told him what the seminar was about, he had a real reason to worry.

What if Sara really did what they wanted her to do? What if she opened up to Catherine? She could tell her about her family as much as she wanted – he didn't care about that. But he cared about his career and his friendship with Catherine. And Sara could destroy both.

After he broke up with her, his greatest fear was that she would run to Greg or anyone else from the crime lab or the police department. But Grissom was sure that she didn't.

In the following weeks he often overheard his team talking about Sara. They were wondering what was going on with her, because according to them she kept distancing herself more and more from the people around her.

Part of him was relieved to hear that. It meant that no one knew about them and this hadn't tarnished his reputation. The other part felt sorry for Sara.

After all, he thought for a while that he really loved her. And Grissom's way of ending things probably wasn't the most sensitive. But he knew that it was the best for both of them.

Now he could just hope that Sara would stick to the promise she'd once made him: To never tell anyone about their relationship.

Somehow he had to make sure that she wouldn't talk to Catherine or that shrink about it. He would just call her after shift on her cell phone. They should have landed by then. He would just remind her of the promise she'd made to him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sara stared absentmindedly out the little window. Despite the sun already being up, there was nothing to see – nothing besides the clouds.

She always hated flying. She wasn't afraid or anything like that, but she always found it boring. Whenever it was possible she would try to sleep through most of the flight, but that just wouldn't work today.

Sara's mind was too busy to rest. She thought about everything and nothing. Well more like she _worried_ about everything and nothing.

Normally the brunette would read some textbook or do some crossword puzzles when she couldn't sleep. But right now she couldn't manage to concentrate on anything.

She even tried to watch the stupid movie the airline was showing. After a few minutes though she gave up. Sara just couldn't warm up for that perfect little family with the two perfect kids, living in that perfect little house at the beach, preparing everything for the daughter's perfect birthday party. She just wanted to throw up.

As a kid, Sara was never allowed to watch TV. She also never really had friends. So it never occurred to her that the life she lived was anything but normal.

And watching movies like the one on the plane just made her realize what she never had – and that hurt.

The more she started to think about her childhood, the sicker she started to feel and the paler she got. And still almost two hours until their scheduled arrival in New Orleans. This was going to be a long flight…

Catherine had other problems. Actually it was just one and it was sitting right beside her. It had slimy black hair. He was smaller than she was, but had a big, arrogant, ego and an aftershave that made her want to puke. And as if that wasn't already enough, Mr. I-can-do-everything-Doll just couldn't stop talking.

So here she sat for the last hour, listening to some idiot talk about the fascinating details of producing soap.

Catherine had a lot of patience, but she was definitely running out of it. When she had started talking to that guy she thought it might be a good idea. Sara could get some much needed rest and she wouldn't get bored. Obviously her plan backfired.

Her brunette companion wasn't sleeping at all, but she also didn't seem to realize Catherine's misery. And now Catherine knew everything there was about soap production, the soap market, soap commercials, soap manufacturers and the typical soap customer. He even talked about soap sculptures.

With all the soap talk she totally forgot about her co-worker. At least until Soap Master brought her up. "… and I tell you, I sold those aborigines that soap sculpture and they were so happy with it that their chief blessed me and he even wanted me to marry his daughter. Which of course I didn't do. But you see: I can do everything, Doll. I also remember when I went to Tibet …" Then his look fell on Sara. "Hey, is everything okay with you, girl? You look like a ghost over there."

Catherine turned immediately to her co-worker. "Are you okay, honey?" Sara really didn't look that good. She was way too pale. When the brunette didn't responded, Catherine slowly brought her hand up to caress Sara's cheek.

But before she managed to reach her destination the younger woman suddenly flinched - almost like she expected to be slapped. Catherine immediately dropped her hand.

For a moment Sara had a look of pure horror on her face. The blonde wasn't expecting that. "Sara, are you okay? You look a bit pale." Terrified would be more accurate. The behaviour of her co-worker was scaring her again, but she tried not to show it and stayed calm.

"Yo, girl! You as white as a sheet." The soap-man looked Sara up and down. That girl really wasn't looking good. But he knew what would help her. Grinning he started to rummage through his backpack.

Catherine was on the verge of a panic attack. Sara was still not responding and just looking right through her with wide eyes. Before her mind managed to come up with an idea to get her younger co-worker out of her trance, Sara started to blink. Once. Twice.

She slowly focused on Catherine. Still woozy but more aware of her surroundings she looked at the blonde next to her. "What?"

Catherine took a deep breath. "You looked really pale and I just wanted to know if you were okay. But you kind of zoned out and were staring right through me."

Sara tried to process that information. What did just happen? She was thinking about her family. About her mother… That wasn't good. She should really stop thinking so much. To mix the past with the present wasn't a very smart thing.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. Eh… I'm fine." Great lie, Sidle. She's definitely going to believe that. Especially since you started shaking.

Once again Catherine wasn't sure what to do. To her Sara looked anything but fine. But this was neither the time nor the place to discuss this. She figured it would have to wait until they were alone.

Until then a bit of contact might soothe her. Like a few hours ago at the airport she reached for Sara's hand. But this time the brunette pulled her hand away as if she had gotten burned.

Catherine looked quizzically at her young co-worker. She didn't expect that. But then again – this was Sara Sidle.

She searched Sara's eyes for an answer but found none due to the fact that the brunette was again looking everywhere but in Catherine's eyes. She was about to say something when the soap man spoke up again.

"At first flying always made me feel a bit nervous. But I found a way calm my nerves Doll." Proudly he held up a small bottle of what seemed to be Jack Daniels. "Just take a few gulps. I promise it will set you at ease." He opened the bottle and held it right under Sara's nose.

Catherine held her breath. What would Sara do? There were rumours around the lab that the young CSI had a little drinking problem. The DUI she had gotten a few years back wasn't really a secret either.

This certainly would be an indication about where this week would lead them. Would Sara be willing to fight and open up to her or would she take the easy way out whenever it became too much? The blonde watched Sara's reaction closely. She looked like she really wanted that drink.

Sara just starred at the bottle. That was Jack Daniels. Her friend Jack. The one who was always there after a hard shift. The one that always made sure that she could forget about her problems for a night. The one that always managed to calm her nerves. To sum it up: Exactly the one she needed right now. And just for the record: Sara Sidle didn't have a drinking problem!

Would it hurt to take just a sip? She didn't want to empty the bottle. Just a small sip.

She looked to the strange man who was offering the bottle. He smiled at her encouraging. He definitely saw it the same way she did. Then she looked at Catherine. Not a good idea.

Her blonde co-worker looked anything but understanding. And she definitely wasn't smiling. Her eyes held a mixture of concern and fear.

So what should she do now? She was tempted. Actually she was more than tempted. She really needed something to calm her nerves. But did it have to be Jack Daniels? Catherine offered to be there for her. And the last thing she wanted was to disappoint her or make her angry.

So why didn't Sara just welcome the comfort Catherine was offering when she reached for her hand? That was simple. Because anytime when she thought about her childhood she couldn't stand physical contact.

But she wanted to change, right? She wanted to get her life back under control. So she had to make a decision now. Jack or Catherine? She glanced again at the blonde beside her. Here sat the friend she always wanted to have.

Determined she took a deep breath and grabbed Catherine's hand. Then she looked at the man with the bottle again. "Thanks, Sir, but I don't drink…anymore." The last word came out a whisper.

"Well, your loss girl. At least, there's more left for me." With that the man took a big gulp from the bottle and settled back in his seat.

Sara could feel the eyes of her co-worker on her, but she didn't dare look at Catherine. Was she mad? Was she going to help Ecklie now? Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt a hand on her shoulder and Catherine getting closer.

"I'm proud of you." Was all the blonde whispered, but it was enough for Sara. When she glanced at Catherine she saw that her co-worker had leaned back in her seat, eyes closed and a small smile on her lips.

Sara leaned back too. She had made the first step. Satisfied with her actions and the feeling of Catherine's hand in hers, she looked out the window again. She could do this.

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_A/N: I have to admit I'm not really happy with what I wrote, but I didn't know how to write it better either. So I just posted it. What do you think?_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Hi guys! Sorry that it took me so long to update. I'm in the middle of my exams right now. So my free time is cut to a minimum._

_Thank you all for your lovely reviews. I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I also hope you like that one, too :-)  
_

_Special thanks again to Emily for always finding the time to correct my grammar and spelling mistakes (belive me, there are quite a few lol). _

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**Chapter 6**

The rest of the flight was uneventful. Catherine and Sara didn't really talk, but they kept holding hands. Even the soap man was quiet after a few unsuccessful attempts to engage Catherine in conversation. Something the blonde was very thankful for.

Since the little incident with the Jack Daniel bottle Sara has been staring out of the window, but she seemed much calmer now. Her shaking had subsided and some colour had returned to her face. Obviously she found comfort in holding Catherine's hand – not that the older CSI was complaining.

Catherine had her eyes closed, but she wasn't sleeping. Instead she was mentally preparing herself for what was coming. Was her assessment correct? Did Sara really have a drinking problem? Or was she just as nervous as Catherine was herself about the seminar, and needed something to calm her nerves?

The blonde CSI made a mental note to ask her about it as soon as they had a little privacy at the hotel. She knew from personal experience that an addiction should never be underestimated – detox shouldn't be either.

Catherine glanced at her co-worker. The brunette was still looking out the window. Her thoughts were interrupted by an announcement from the captain. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent over New Orleans. Please fasten your seatbelts, bring your seat backs into an upright position, and lock up the tray tables in front of you."

At that Sara turned around. When she saw Catherine looking at her she gave her one of her famous smiles. The blonde smiled right back. They both straightened up and prepared for the landing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

After they managed to get their luggage back, Catherine and Sara headed for the lobby. According to their documents someone was supposed to pick them up here.

As trained CSIs it didn't take them long to spot the person they were looking for in the crowd. It was a young man, approximately twenty years old. He was holding up a paper which had "Las Vegas Crime Lab" written on it. He had headphones in his ears.

When they approached him they could hear loud punk rock music. Together with his outfit and his styled hair he looked like a younger version of a certain CSI. The two women exchanged an amused look.

"And I thought Greggo was unique." Catherine studied the man, who was unaware of their presence, due to the fact that he was obviously checking out the legs of a young stewardess.

Sara sceptically looked him up and down. "I just hope that the only part he has in that trust building stuff is playing the driver."

Catherine had to laugh at that. She shook her head and put her arm around her younger co-worker. "Don't worry, Hon. I hardly doubt that he's a qualified psychologist."

"I'm not sure I even want him to make me breakfast. You never know what he would put into it."

For that comment Sara got a playful slap on the arm from Catherine. "You are a hopeless pessimist."

In order to get the boy's attention, Catherine moved her hand up and down in front of his face. Immediately his head snapped in their direction. And he didn't look happy at all to be interrupted. "What?!"

Catherine and Sara exchanged another look before Catherine spoke again. "We are from the Las Vegas Crime Lab." That obviously didn't manage to get through the loud music. "What?!"

Sara wasn't in the mood for any games. She grabbed the cable of the headphones and not so gently pulled them out of his ears. "Hey lady, what is your problem?!" He looked angrily and the two women standing in front of him.

This time Sara spoke up. "Sidle. Willows. Las Vegas Crime Lab. If there is a reason that you are holding this paper other than to mask the fact that you checked out every female in this building, I suggest you bring us to that seminar." Then she gave him one of her famous glares.

The boy looked to Sara, then to Catherine and back to Sara, who was still glaring at him. He jumped up from the chair he was sitting on and took a step back in order to put some space between him and the angry brunette. Now he had to do some damage control. If those two complained about him to his boss then he would be in real trouble.

"Hello Ladies. Welcome to New Orleans. I hope you had a good flight." He smiled his most charming smile, but it seemed to have no effect at all on the brunette. At least the blonde was smiling back. What else could he do? Right! Play Gentleman. "Please let me take your luggage." Without waiting for a response he grabbed both suitcases and made his way to the exit.

Now Catherine couldn't hold back her laughter. "Now that wasn't very nice, Ms. Sidle." Sara just shrugged her shoulders and started to follow her suitcase. The blonde shook her head and followed her younger co-worker. "I would be a bit nicer to him. You don't know yet if he is responsible for your breakfast or not."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An hour into their drive Sara came to the realisation that she hated car trips a lot more than she hated flights. She was sitting in the back and – again – staring out the window. Her eyelids felt heavy. All she wanted to do was sleep.

But of course she couldn't do it on the plane or now in the car. She would certainly have a nightmare. Remembering her last few, Sara could be certain that the next one would be very vivid too. And she didn't feel like giving a show for everyone around.

All she had to do was to stay awake a few more minutes. According to Terrence-but-you-can-call-me-T, their punk driver, it was a ninety minute drive from the airport to the hotel where the seminar was being held. Ninety minutes minus the sixty they had already driven left thirty minutes until their arrival and maybe fifteen more until she got to her room and was finally allowed to sleep. She just had to stay awake until then.

Catherine – the people person she was – was sitting in the passenger seat and chatting with "T" about the job of a CSI. Sara admired her for that, for her ability to deal with people. She had trouble talking to her friends, who she knew for years, let alone complete strangers.

So here she was, listening to their conversation, but not really taking part in it. Absentmindedly she buried her hands in the pockets of her jeans, only to find her cell phone occupying one of them. She pulled it out and switched it back on.

It was not like anyone was going to call her. No one ever called her, unless it was about work. And she hardly doubted that Grissom would call her back for a case from here.

When she opened it Sara was surprised to find out that she had missed a call. Apparently there was a message waiting for her in her mailbox. Curiously she checked her messages – only to find nothing. Obviously someone changed their mind about calling her or probably realised that they had a wrong number.

A bit disappointed she closed the cell phone again and shoved it back into her pocket.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As promised after ninety minutes they arrived at their destination. As soon as the car stopped Sara was out. Immediately the CSI in her took over and she took in her surroundings.

She stood in front of an old mansion in the middle of a forest. There were a few cars parked beside the one in which they had arrived. To the right of the building was a big park with a little lake in the middle. A few people were taking a walk. Other than that it looked quiet.

Catherine was now out of the car and stood beside her co-worker. "This place looks really nice." It reminded her of some old movie from the time where there were still Ladies and real Gentlemen.

"Too bad we aren't here for vacation." Came Sara's reply. Catherine was about to say something when Sara's phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the caller ID. With a raised eyebrow she showed it to Catherine.

The blonde was surprised. "Grissom?" Sara just shrugged. "He probably has a high profile case and wants us to come back." Grinning she answered the call. But instead of Grissom voice she was greeted with noise and some cracks.

"Grissom?" After receiving no answer she checked her phone. There was almost no reception. After putting the phone back to her ear she heard a few more cracks. Hoping that her supervisor could hear her better than she could hear him she said. "Look, Grissom, I can hardly hear you. Bad reception. I will hang up now." After receiving nothing but more cracks she closed her phone again.

Catherine looked at her quizzically. "What did he want?" Sara put her cell phone away again. "I have no idea. I really didn't hear anything beside noise." Before she could say anything else, "T" interrupted.

"We have really bad reception down here. I have no idea why, but if you are in one of the rooms on the second floor the reception is okay. Maybe you could call your friend back later. I suggest we go inside now." With that he grabbed the two suitcases from the trunk and led the way into the building.

Sara was a bit confused. What did Grissom want from her? As if reading her mind, Catherine spoke up. "You know Gil. He probably has a hot case and totally forgot about you being away." Smiling she added. "And the first thing on his mind was to call the one CSI who is always eager to work."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Sara took a deep breath. "Alright, let's get this over with." With that the two women followed "T" into the mansion.

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_A/N: Just a warning in advance: I have a few more exams over the month, so it could take some time (again) until I manage to update._


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Hey guys, I'm back :-). Exams are finally over - at least until summer. Thank you ALL for your feedback. _

_El Gringo Loco: I just love your comments. Great metaphor. You never ceases to suprise me lol  
_

_Lindsey: I'm studying at a university of applied sience in Germany and I just finished my 7th semester. One more to go, then I have my diploma._

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**Chapter 7**

Sara took a sip of her water and scanned the room again. The little restaurant they were sitting in looked like the rest of the mansion – well, at least like the parts where she had already been: old, with big windows, and strange paintings on the walls.

Catherine was totally in love with this place from the moment they got out of the car. Sara, on the contrary, thought it was kind of creepy. She couldn't really tell why, but something about it certainly set her off.

It was probably the fact that this place swarmed with psychologists. Psychologists who expected her to talk about her life. Yeah, that could be the problem.

Sara assumed that this is what it felt like to be on death row. But then again – there _were_ people who escaped the death because their innocence was proven. Okay, maybe this metaphor thing wasn't one of her best talents.

All she wanted to do was fall in a bed and sleep – at least for a few hours. With all the thinking she had done, Sara was sure that she wouldn't be able to sleep long. Nightmares had always been part of her life. And in times like this, they tended to be more vicious and lively.

When they were checking in, they'd been told that it would be about twenty more minutes until their rooms were ready. The receptionist recommended they relax with a drink in the restaurant. So here they were.

The restaurant was relatively empty. A few people were scattered around the room. Catherine and Sara were sitting at one of the big windows with a view of the park.

They hadn't really talked since they'd arrived. Now they had been sitting in silence for a good ten minutes, both of them lost in thought.

Catherine was looking out the window, trying to collect her thoughts. She found the whole building comforting. The colour of the walls, the paintings, the soft music playing in the background, the view of the park, the tea she was drinking. It all contributed to calming her nerves.

The only problem was that it seemed like all of this had the opposite effect on her younger co-worker. Sara looked tired and kind of scared.

They still had some things to discuss. Now or never, Catherine thought and turned to face the brunette. "Sara, I think we should discuss how we are going to handle this week." After receiving a raised eyebrow she continued. "We didn't have time at home to talk about everything and since we've been on our way, we've never been alone."

Sara still looked quizzically at Catherine. "Do we have much of a choice to deal with this? My job is in the hands of a shrink who couldn't care less about me. I'm sure Ecklie already made sure about the result of this seminar!" She practically shouted the last part and then dropped her head in her hands.

Catherine took a look around. A few of the guests were looking at them, but after giving them one of her famous glares they returned to their own business. The blonde stood up and walked over to Sara, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table.

She sat down beside the brunette and put an arm around her. Catherine saw and felt how her younger co-worker immediately tensed, but instead of removing her arm she moved even closer to Sara.

She felt the brunette take a deep breath and then relax into the embrace. Catherine wasn't sure if she really wanted to know why Sara reacted the way she did to a touch. Well, she was probably going to find out anyway.

"I think we have a say in that, Sara. Actually I have a plan. All we have to do is work as a team." Then she added smiling. "And you know that we can do that." When the brunette still didn't respond, Catherine continued.

"Sara, I don't expect you to tell me everything about your life over the next few days. I'm going to listen if you want to tell me something, but I won't force you to talk to me. I would like to know everything about you and build a real friendship, but I think that's something we should work on after this seminar. It will take time."

At that Sara finally looked up to meet Catherine's eyes. She had a weak smile on her lips. "A plan? YOU probably don't expect me to pour out my heart, but there is someone who does." She let her head drop again, before adding. "And after this great seminar, you won't want to have anything to do with me anyway."

Again Catherine had to wonder what happened in her co-workers past to make her the woman she was. "I will pretend I didn't hear that. You have to let me make the decision of whether I want to be your friend or not. Right now, I can't think of anything that would change my opinion about you. So you better get used to it."

The determination in the blonde's voice surprised Sara. Before she could think of a smart response, Catherine continued. "A few more minutes and you can finally sleep. I'm sure that after a good rest, you will see things easier."

Sara almost laughed out loud. Sleep and rest were not normally words that she used in the same sentence. But she wasn't going to tell that to Catherine. The older CSI would just worry more about her. Instead she asked with a half-hearted smile, "So … you wanna tell me about your great plan?"

"That's my girl. And now listen: the psychologist who will take care of us is exactly that – a psychologist. He's not a visionary. Even if they did a background check on us, which I can't imagine, they don't know everything about us. And considering the fact, that the main topic of this seminar is our relationship, there shouldn't be too many questions about our past. You just worry too much. And if it comes up every now and then, we will deal with it together, okay?"

Sara couldn't help but smile. That was certainly a Willows-plan. With Catherine everything sounded so easy. Before she managed to answer, a young woman approached their table. "Ms. Willows, Miss Sidle?"

Both CSIs looked up. "Your room is ready now. Your luggage has already been brought upstairs. If you would please follow me."

"Finally." Sara muttered and emptied her glass of water before getting up. Catherine got up too, and they followed the woman upstairs.

They were led through the large corridors. Catherine was actually surprised by the size of the building. It looked a lot smaller from the outside. On their way upstairs the young woman, Jennifer, told them about their schedule.

They had the remainder of the day to themselves, which was a good thing, because they both needed rest. Breakfast was between 7:00 and 9:00 the next day. At 9:30 they were supposed to meet with their counsellor for the week – a Dr. Albert. At 4:00 p.m. there was a little get together in the restaurant with all the participants of the seminar, as well as the psychologists, and the rest of the staff.

Finally they arrived at a door at the end of the second floor west corridor. The room number was written on it in golden letters: 218. Jennifer pulled a key out of her pocket and opened the door. She handed Catherine, who was standing right next to her, the key. "Have a good rest."

She was about to leave when Sara called her back. "Excuse me, where is my room?"

Jennifer turned around with a surprised look on her face. "You are going to share that room. I thought you knew that."

Sara's eyes went wide at that. She couldn't be serious, right? It was one thing to spend the whole day with Catherine. Spending the night with her was something completely different. That was obviously one of Ecklie's damn jokes. That thought turned her shock into anger immediately. "You are kidding, right? Tell me you are kidding!"

Jennifer took a step back at Sara's sudden outburst. Catherine instantly moved herself between her co-worker and the young woman. "Why do we have to share a room?" Not that she minded, but she thought giving Sara some space might be a good idea.

"It's part of the seminar. All teams share a room, ma'am. I really thought you have been told that by your supervisor." Of course Ecklie knew and of course he didn't say anything. Damn bastard, Catherine cursed silently.

Sara couldn't believe her ears. This was just fucking great. Hopefully the beds were fare enough apart from each other, so that she wouldn't wake Catherine when she had a nightmare. A quick glance through the open door destroyed that hope.

"There is just one bed." It was something between a question and a statement. Catherine turned around surprised. She looked from Sara to the bed and back to Jennifer, who looked really sorry. "We don't have enough rooms with two beds so we asked all the participants who wouldn't mind sharing a bed. And we've been told you two wouldn't mind."

"I'm going to kill Ecklie!" Sara replied through clenched teeth. Before she managed to yell at Jennifer, the woman spoke up. "You'll have to deal with this. We don't have any other rooms left. I'm sorry." And with that she more or less ran back to the stairs and out of sight, leaving behind a confused Catherine and an angry Sara.

"I don't believe this!" Exclaimed Sara.

Before she managed to hunt down the poor girl, Catherine pushed her into the room and closed the door behind them. "Calm down, Sara. This isn't going to change anything."

Catherine wasn't happy about the situation either, but she couldn't understand why the brunette was as mad as she was. It actually hurt a bit, that Sara found the idea of sharing a bed with her so horrible. After all, they were both women.

Meanwhile Sara was pacing the room like a caged animal. Catherine just shook her head. Her optimism about this seminar was slowly fading away. "Sara…" The blondes attempt to get her co-workers attention wasn't very successful. Actually it failed miserably because Sara didn't react at all – she just kept pacing.

Sara's mind was in overdrive. It wasn't supposed to be that way. How could she sleep in a room with Catherine? This wasn't going to work. Catherine screaming her name brought her out of her trance. She stopped and looked at the older CSI who was standing a few feet away.

"I know you are angry at Ecklie and so I am, but that is exactly what he wants. He wanted to provoke you with this. Don't let him win." Catherine let her words sink in for a few seconds before continuing. "Look, we are both big girls. I think we can share a bed." Then she added teasingly "I swear I don't snore and I promise you that I will keep my hands to myself."

Catherine's remark didn't have the desired effect. Instead of calming down or at least giving her a small smile, Sara looked at Catherine with the same panicked expression as before. She glanced from the bed to Catherine and then around the room.

When she spotted the small couch in the corner she stopped. Catherine could practically see the wheels turning in her head. The brunette looked between Catherine, the couch, her suitcase and the bathroom door. Before the older CSI managed to say anything, Sara had already grabbed her suitcase and was on her way to the bathroom.

"Don't worry, I take the couch. Hope you don't mind if I use the bathroom first?" The bathroom door was shut before she really finished the sentence.

Catherine sighed heavily and plopped down on the bed. Why wouldn't Sara want to share a bed with her? She knew that her co-worker wasn't a very touchy person, but they were not asked to have sex, just to share a bed. A very big bed for that matter.

This trip was about building trust between them. With a determined look on her face the blonde got up from the bed and opened her suitcase. She stared to change into her pyjamas and as soon as Sara came out of the bathroom she would talk to her. There was no way she would Sara let sleep on that little couch. That couldn't be healthy.

After a few minutes the bathroom door opened again and revealed a calmer Sara. The brunette was clad in the black shorts and a matching black t-shirt. Instead of saying anything to Catherine she headed straight for the couch and plopped down on it.

Catherine watched her for a moment. "Sara, I want to talk to you." Sara tensed as soon as the blonde finished her sentence. The CSI was now curled up on the couch in a very awkward position with her back to Catherine. "Look, Catherine, I'm really tired. We will take tomorrow, ok?"

The older CSI shook her head. Sara was definitely not getting out of this so easily. "No, not okay." Catherine used the same tone she used for Lindsey when the girl didn't do what she was supposed to do. "Get your ass over here, Sidle. Now!" Her tone didn't leave space for any arguments.

Reluctantly Sara got up. She looked at Catherine who was sitting on the bed and patted the place beside her. She really didn't want to have this conversation now. She was angry at Ecklie and tired – normally not a good combination. But one look at the blonde and she knew that she didn't have a choice. She hung her head, walked over to the bed and sat down quietly beside Catherine.

Catherine examined her younger co-worker. Her anger seemed to have vanished. Right now she looked like a small child who expected to get punished. It hurt her to see Sara like that. It hurt even more that she was probably the reason for that. They needed to work this out.

"Sara, what is the problem? Did I do something that makes you want to stay away from me? Just tell me. I want to fix it. I'm not going to let you sleep on that mini couch." Sara just shook her head, but didn't answer. In order to get a reaction Catherine reached for Sara's hand and entwined their fingers like they did on the plane. "Please talk to me."

The brunette still refused to meet her eyes and look at the floor instead, but at least she answered. "It's not you" came the quiet reply.

"Then what is the problem?" Catherine's tone was soft and warm. She just wanted to understand. Silence fell between them. When the blonde thought Sara wasn't going to answer at all, the brunette looked up. "I am the problem!"

Sara wasn't really comfortable talking about it, but it was obvious that her co-worker wouldn't let it go. "Look it's just … I don't sleep that well lately. And I really don't want to keep you up. At least one of us should sleep." She could just hope that Catherine would let it go with that. She wasn't in the mood to talk. Not today. Not now. Tomorrow would be here soon enough. The investigator in Catherine of course didn't give up.

"What do you mean, you don't sleep well?" The blonde was a bit surprised by Sara's admission. She didn't expect that. The older CSI thought she had a problem with the close contact. But instead of that, she was worried about waking Catherine. The brunette never ceased to amaze her. Unfortunately for Sara, she also made her curious.

Sara took a deep breath. What did Catherine advise her before in the restaurant? Don't go into detail if not necessary. "I … I … I have nightmares. Nothing too bad" What a great lie, Sidle. "But they wake me up sometimes." More like always. "And then I'll probably wake you up and I don't want that." She prayed to God that her co-worker would just let her go back to the couch, but deep inside she new this wasn't going to happen.

"When Lindsey has nightmare she always comes to me and we sleep together in my bed. The knowledge and the feeling that she isn't alone always keep the bad dreams away then. Maybe you should try it. I'm really good at scaring demons away." She gave Sara a warm reassuring smile.

Sara sighed. This was harder than she expected. But then again, this was Catherine Willows. She tried to fight back one more time, even though she had the feeling she had already lost this battle. "I just don't want to hurt you." Came her quiet admission.

Catherine expected Sara not to give in easily but she never saw that statement coming. Hurt her? She could picture Sara having nightmares about cases, when she couldn't bring closure to the victims and their families. But Sara Sidle and the word violence just didn't fit into one sentence. "Hurt me? Sara, why would you hurt me?"

The brunette closed her eyes and started to massage her temples. Now she was getting a serious headache. How could she put it most vague? "My nightmares tend to be...vivid?" That was a nice description. Sara didn't know what exactly she did during her sleep, but she knew what her bed looked like after she woke.

Catherine absorbed the information she just received and made a decision. "Get under the covers." Her tone was soft but also firm. "Cath…" Sara's protest was cut short. "Come on, you need to rest. I promise you everything will be okay."

Now it was official. She'd lost and Catherine had won. Reluctantly she crawled under the covers and slid to the edge of the bed. She decided that she was just going to stay awake. Like this, she couldn't hurt Catherine.

The light went out and she felt the bed dip as Catherine crawled under the covers too. Instead of staying on her side of the bed, she felt the blonde move closer. Before she knew what happened their hands were entwined again under the cover and Catherine was placing a soft, caring kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight, sweetie."

Catherine's hand was warm and made her feel safe. Something she didn't feel in a long time. Her eyelids felt heavier every second and after a minute her good intentions to stay awake were gone as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

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_A/N: Did I thank my beta for this chapter? No, I didn't. Thanks Emily - you rock :-)_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Here is the next chapter. _

_El Gringo Loco: You could be right about Dr. Albert, but I think it will take a few more chapters until we finally get to know him...  
__Lindsey: You are curious if Sara has a nightmare? Where would be the drama if she hadn't:-)  
Samantha: Thanks for the information. I try to keep that in mind. I relied on my dictionary here and it's obvious not perfect ...  
Chione of the Nile: You wanna know Saras historie with Grissom? I bet you are not alone. But its part of the story, so you'll have to wait. I already have made great plans for that information to come out. But it will take a while ..._

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**Chapter 8**

It was way past midnight when Catherine felt movement beside her. Slowly she opened her eyes. Where was she? It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. The only sources of light were two small windows on the wall to her right. A few beams of moonlight filtered through the half closed curtains and onto the bed.

She blinked a few times to clear the fog in her still half asleep mind. This definitely wasn't her bedroom. The blonde glanced around the room. Then it hit her: Louisiana. The seminar. She was in the room she had to share with Sara.

Sara. She turned to her side and came to face with her younger co-worker. The brunette was still asleep but obviously anything but relaxed. Her whole body was tense and her face looked pained. Her head turned from one side to the other. Catherine concluded that Sara was the reason she had woken.

The brunette was obviously having a nightmare – exactly like she predicted before they had gone to bed. The blonde had hoped that Sara would be wrong. Catherine took a quick look at her watch which was lying on the nightstand. It was almost one. At least they both had gotten a few hours of sleep. Now she had to try to calm her co-worker so they both could sleep a bit more.

"Don't." Sara's raspy voice startled her. She turned back to face her, expecting to find her awake. But instead, the brunette was having an even more vivid dream. She was now tossing and turning, and sweat was starting to build on her forehead.

Immediately Catherine's mother instincts started to kick in. She wanted nothing more than to take Sara's obvious pain away. Like a few hours ago she reached for her hand, but her action didn't have the desired effect. Sara started to thrash around more. "Don't. Don't hurt me." Her voice was filled with panic, but she was still asleep.

Catherine didn't let go of her hand, instead she started to stroke it slowly. Then she started to talk to Sara in soft tone. "It's okay, Honey. I'm not going to hurt you." The brunette still tried to get her hand away from Catherine.

"I'll be good. Please." Sara pleaded with whoever was torturing her in her dream.

Without letting go of her hand, Catherine started to stroke Sara's now damp hair with her other hand. "Shhh, it's alright. You're safe." This seemed to calm the younger woman a bit, so Catherine continued. "Everything is okay. I'm right here. You're not alone." She went on for a few more minutes, whispering and stroking Sara's hair.

Finally she succeeded. The brunette was sleeping peacefully again, her breathing was normal, and her body relaxed. Catherine mentally patted herself on the shoulder and smiled.

Sara looked so young and vulnerable in her sleep. Like so often in the last days, Catherine started to wonder what it was that made the brunette tick. What caused such nightmares? How often did she have them? All the time or just since she had found out that they were going to this seminar?

And what were her dreams about? Old cases or something that happened in her past? 'Don't hurt me. I'll be good.' That's what she had said. Who did that to her? A friend, a lover, her family? This was definitely something they had to talk about. Those nightmares weren't healthy – at least not if she had them all the time.

Hopefully they could work out, or better, eliminate the sources of her nightmares during the seminar. Sara needed to sleep more – and she needed to eat. She was far too thin for someone her height. There were so many things that had to change. Tomorrow, Catherine told herself. Right now they needed to sleep for a few more hours.

The blonde placed a quick kiss on Sara's forehead, and was about to put her back under the covers, when her eyes fell Sara's stomach, which was illuminated by the moonlight. During her struggle, the brunette's shirt had ridden up a bit, revealing the soft skin underneath.

"Oh my god!" Catherine gasped at what she saw. Right above her navel were four tiny cuts, each about three inches long. They were too regular and clean to have gotten there just by accident. Slowly she traced a finger over the cuts, which were still deep red, indicating that they were, at most, only a few days old.

"Oh Honey, what did you do to yourself?" Sara didn't respond. She was still asleep. Catherine sighed. This was getting worse. She had obviously underestimated Sara's situation. When she moved down to grab the cover her eyes lingered again on Sara's stomach.

Under the fresh cuts she could make out some old scars. This definitely wasn't an exception. Catherine shook her head in order to get rid of the image of a totally lost and confused Sara sitting in her bathroom with a razor in her hand. She grabbed she sheets and tugged them over the brunette again.

But instead of lying down on her side of the bed, she snuggled as close as possible to Sara, and protectively draped an arm over her stomach. She wanted to hold her, to make her feel safe, anything to make her feel better, because right now she felt so helpless.

Catherine didn't know what to do or what to feel. She was angry at Sara for doing something that stupid. She was angry at her for not coming to her or anyone else. She was angry at her for not asking for help. She really wanted to wake her up and yell at her.

But she couldn't. Sara looked so peaceful right now. Catherine just couldn't be angry with her. She really wanted to – but she couldn't. Instead of being angry at Sara she was suddenly angry at herself, angry for not doing anything, angry for not realising the seriousness of the situation, angry for not being a friend. And she was angry at Nick, Warrick and Greg. She was angry at Grissom and Brass. They were all supposed to be there for her too!

How the hell was it possible that no one had ever noticed something like this? They were all trained investigators. How could they miss this? How could they not notice this call for help? Catherine felt like she was going to be sick. She quickly swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. She didn't want to let go of Sara. She wasn't sure who needed the contact more right now – Sara or herself.

The blonde blinked back some tears which threatened to fall. She had to be strong for Sara. Maybe this seminar was the best thing that could happen to Sara. If they weren't here right now Catherine probably would have never noticed what was going on with her young co-worker.

She closed her eyes, hoping that somehow she could fall back to sleep. But all she could think about was the woman in her arms. She had so many questions right now. When was Sara cutting herself? Was it a regular thing? Or was that her way to unwind after a tough case?

When things got ugly at work, they all need something to keep them grounded. Catherine had Lindsey, Warrick had Tina, Grissom had his bugs. Often the whole group went out for drinks. They were drinking, chatting, and enjoying not being alone. Sara never went with them in the last months.

Her standard excuses were "I have to finish something at the lab" or "I'm tired. I'm going home". Now Catherine had a good idea of what Sara was doing when she went home. Suddenly the blonde thought back to the flight. The little incident with good old Jack Daniels.

Alcohol and a razor were definitely not a good combination. Did Sara really think those are her only true friends? The thought alone made Catherine's stomach turn. She knew that she needed to do something before they lost Sara forever.

She certainly had to make a plan of how to handle this after they were back in Vegas. She had to make sure that Sara wasn't spending so much time at the lab anymore and maybe … Her train of thought was interrupted when a realisation hit her. What if there wasn't anymore Sara in the lab? What if Ecklie succeeded?

Catherine immediately tightened her hold of Sara. Before the seminar she thought if Sara really lost her job it would be really hard for her to deal with. But she would make it, because she was a strong and smart woman. But one thought never crossed her mind.

A thought that was now written in neon signs in her mind. Suicide! Was Sara really capable of something like that? Catherine's panicked mind screamed yes.

A small part of her mind – probably the rational one – told her that she was exaggerating. Those were just tiny cuts. Not like she cut her writs. A lot of people are doing that too. But the other part of Catherine's mind just saw the cuts, the alcohol, the nightmare, the unsociability. That, combined with what she saw every day at work, made her expect the worst.

So somehow she had to make sure that Sara wouldn't loose her job - and if she had to kill Ecklie … she would be there for Sara. No matter what. With this thought she drifted off into a restless sleep.

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_A/N: Thanks for reading. Reviews are welcomed :-)_

_And I have a general question: What would you like to see Sara and Catherine do as a trust building activity? I have a few ideas, but could need a bit more inspiration. Any suggestions???_


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Thank you all for your reviews - and of course for your suggestions. You were pretty much confirming my first ideas, but its good to know we are thinking alike :-)  
There were also a few interesting ideas which I will keep in mind for the rest of the story. _

_A really really really biiiiiiig THANK YOU to Emily for beta-ing my story - despite the lack of sleep :-) Sleep is overrated anyway, right?_

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**Chapter 9**

As the first sunbeams started to creep into the room, the half closed curtains couldn't stop them from falling directly on the bed – and onto Sara's face. It wasn't really the sunlight that woke the brunette, but the birds outside.

Not that it was an unpleasant awakening. It was a nice difference to the norm, waking up in her apartment. There, she was normally woken by the sound of the street in front of her window – and this was a lot nicer. Birds singing and the morning sun caressing her face.

But actually she felt way too comfortable to even open her eyes. The mattress she was lying on was soft and comfortable and sheets were warm and comfy. And the arms which were holding her felt nice, too. It's been a while since she woke like that. A small smile crept on her face.

She relaxed some more into the touch and enjoyed the feeling of … Wait a minute! The feeling of whose arms was she enjoying right now? Something wasn't right here. There were no singing birds near her apartment in Vegas and her bed felt different too!

Slowly she opened her eyes. At least she tried to, but the sun shining directly in her face made that difficult. She tried to turn her face away from the now annoying light and tried to open her eyes again. This time she came to face with a sleeping blonde – a sleeping Catherine Willows actually.

Slowly the events of yesterday came back to her. They arrived at the mansion and were assigned to this room – this one single room with this one bed in it. Yeah, Ecklie made sure that she had to share a bed with Catherine and here she was.

Sara knew she wanted to stay awake, but as soon as Catherine had ordered her under the covers her eyelids became very heavy. Her body was demanding the sleep she had refused to give it during the last few days. She was probably out within a minute. And falling asleep with Catherine holding her hand was also a nice addition.

That was the last thing she remembered. Falling asleep. She didn't remember any dreams – especially no nightmares. And at that time, Catherine definitely wasn't half on top of her.

At first Sara found that feeling of warmness Catherine provided really relaxing, but the longer she was laying here and thinking, the more suffocating she found it. She needed to get away. Well, that was easier said than done. After all, the blonde had a firm grip on her and the last thing she wanted to do was wake up her companion.

She needed some space, but as soon as she started to lift Catherine's arm, the blonde started to stir, so Sara put it back down. She really didn't want to wake her. Well, then she had to wait, until Catherine woke by herself. That couldn't take too long, right?

After a few more minutes Sara couldn't take it anymore. She needed to breathe. She needed to get up. Now! She took Catherine's arm and tried lift it off her stomach. But instead of cooperating the blonde tightened her grip even more.

Sara was about to jump out of the bed when she felt Catherine move again. She turned and came to face with two sleepy eyes, blinking their way back to life. The blonde smiled when she saw her younger co-worker looking at her. "Good Morning."

Sara tried to hide her panic and put a forced smile on. "Morning."

Catherine immediately sensed that something was wrong. "Is everything okay?"

Sara just hoped that the blonde wouldn't take it wrong, but she really needed some space right now. "Eh … could you … maybe …" Her eyes wandered down to the arm which was still lying across her stomach. Catherine followed Sara's line of sight curiously.

"Sorry, Sara. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." The blonde immediately removed her arm and brought some space between them. She knew she shouldn't feel disappointed. This was Sara, and she should have expected that. But it hurt a bit anyways.

'_Great, Sara, now you hurt her feelings.'_ The look on Catherine's face was obvious. "It's okay. I just wanted to get up and open a window." What a lame excuse. They both knew it, but Catherine let her get away with it – this time.

Instead of opening the window Sara stayed in bed, not really knowing what to do or say. Silence fell over them. Catherine felt like she needed to justify why she practically slept on top of her co-worker. Maybe Sara would understand. Not really knowing how to start this conversation she used the direct way.

"You had a nightmare." Sara turned and looked at her surprised. She couldn't remember one, but that obviously didn't mean a lot. Then it hit her. If Catherine knew about her nightmare than her prediction obviously became true: she had woken Catherine.

Ashamed she turned her head away again. "'I'm sorry. I told you I would wake you, if we share a bed. I'm really sorry. I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

Catherine just shook her head. "No, you won't sleep on the couch."

Sara turned around again and looked quizzically at her co-worker. Was Catherine kicking her out of the room now? "Do you want me to find another room? I'm sure I can find a solution. It shouldn't be a problem …"

"Sara, stop rambling. Of course I DON'T want you of the room. Actually, I don't want you out of this bed either." The brunette now looked even more confused than before. Catherine continued. "I'm not sorry at all that you woke me last night. Actually I'm glad you did it. Like that, I was able to calm you down. You didn't even wake up. I told you last night I'm good at driving bad dreams away."

Smiling she looked at Sara, who had a stunned expression on her face. "You calmed me down?" When she had a nightmare, she always woke up from it and now she didn't even remember it.

Catherine nodded and continued. "Yeah, I did. It took a few minutes, but it worked. Bye the way, that's the reason why I was holding you so close." She paused for a moment, looking for the right words. "Last night you welcomed the contact. It really relaxed you."

"Oh." Was all Sara managed to get out. She had a nightmare and mother Catherine took her in her arms and made it all better. And she didn't even mind. Wow. This woman was definitely amazing. She gave the blonde a shy smile "Well, thanks."

"Anytime, Sara. Anytime." Came the immediate reply.

Silence fell over them again. Catherine wasn't sure if she should ask, but she did anyways. "Do you remember what your dream was about?" Sara just shook her head. "No, I don't. I don't remember anything at all. I just knew I wouldn't be able to sleep long."

That comment surprised Catherine. "What do you mean 'not sleep long'? You slept over twelve hours straight. I kind of doubt that you ever slept that long." Sara blinked. She slept over twelve hours? What the hell … ? She looked out of the window. It was morning. And morning was normally the time when she went to bed. That's the reason she didn't realise how long she was asleep. But Catherine was right. They went to bed around 5 or 6 p.m. "Wow. I never … I mean …" was all she could mumble.

Catherine couldn't help but laugh. "You are unique, Sara Sidle. You are truly unique." Sara was still looking disbelievingly around the room. "I told you I would keep your demons away. And believe me: You really needed that rest."

Sara nodded slowly. "Yeah, probably. Thanks again."

The blonde thought about bringing up the cuts, but she feared Sara's reaction. What would the brunette do? Run away? Get mad? Catherine figured that when she talked to Sara she should start with lighter topics. Then an idea formed in her mind. "How about we go for breakfast and then check out the place until our meeting with Dr. Albert? I'd really like to take a walk through that park."

Sara studied her older co-worker for a second. She had the same look on her face she had so often during a case. And it always meant the same: Catherine was up to something. That couldn't be good. The blonde probably wanted to talk. Sara knew she couldn't avoid that forever, so she just shrugged her shoulders. "Sure."

"You mind if I take the bathroom first?" Catherine asked, while rummaging through her suitcase. "Na, go ahead." After flashing one of her famous smiles, she vanished through the bathroom door, leaving the brunette alone in the room.

Sara walked over to one of the windows, pulled the curtains aside, opened it and took a few deep breaths of the fresh air. She was still surprised that she managed to sleep that long. Catherine obviously had a calming effect on her.

Her reaction when she'd woken up probably didn't show that, but it was true. At first she felt really safe and protected. Actually Sara didn't know why that changed all of the sudden, but from one moment to the other she felt trapped. She'd never felt comfortable when someone touched her. A result from her childhood.

When Sara was a kid a touch meant pain almost every time. It made her careful and reserved around people. She learned early on that it was in her best interests to not trust or rely on anyone other than herself. That was the problem and she knew she had to work on it. She had to start to trust Catherine – really trust her.

Catherine. She was definitely up to something. That made Sara wonder what happened last night. Did she say something in her dream? It had to be something like that. The blonde's behaviour was really strange, like she wanted to ask a question but didn't know how – and that was definitely unusual for Catherine Willows.

If Catherine won't bring up that topic later, Sara would do it herself. She also wanted to apologize again for what happened yesterday when they had gotten to the room. The older CSI had to know that her little panic attack had nothing to do with her, but the situation. She owed her that much.

But right now she needed to get ready. She opened her suitcase and looked for some fresh clothes to wear. She grabbed a pair of jeans and a simple shirt. While looking for underwear Sara came across her cell phone, which she tossed in her suitcase yesterday. She checked it for new messages only to find out that the battery died. Fortunately, she had her charger with her.

Before she managed to find it in the chaos that was her suitcase, the bathroom door opened and revealed a showered and dressed Catherine. Sara figured her cell phone could wait a bit longer. She would charge it tonight before bed.

She grabbed her toiletries and her clothes and went into the bathroom. She could really use a shower right now.

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_A/N: Thanks for reading!!!!_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Hope you'll like that one, too!_

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**Chapter 10**

After breakfast, which they spent more or less in a comfortable silence, they decided to put their plan into action, and headed outside. The birds, who had woken Sara earlier, were still singing, and the weather was warm and sunny.

There was a big glass door leading from the little restaurant to the park. After a few meters, Catherine and Sara were looking at a truly beautiful and peaceful place. They were standing at the entrance of the park

It was actually a lot bigger than the part they'd seen from the front of the mansion. Besides the lovely vegetation, there was a little old chapel in the middle of the park, a lake at the far west end, and quite a few benches. There was a gravel walkway connecting everything.

Both women took a deep breath of the fresh air. The air was completely different from the desert air they had left back home, but Catherine thought it was a nice change. The blonde took a look at her younger co-worker, who was standing beside her.

Sara had her eyes closed. For the first time since their arrival, she looked relaxed. When the brunette opened her eyes and saw Catherine looking at her, she gave her one of her trademark smiles.

Catherine could do nothing but smile back. Maybe everything was going to work out anyway. Who knew? "Come on, Sar. Let's take a little walk." With that she slowly started walking towards the lake.

Sara was immediately at her side. They kept walking for a minute in silence, each woman deep in thought. Catherine wanted to talk about last night, and, specifically, the cuts. She just had absolutely no idea how to start this conversation. The problem solved itself as Sara unexpectedly started talking.

"I'm really sorry about last night and about this morning." Catherine looked surprised at the younger CSI. Never in a thousand years did she expect Sara to start this conversation. The brunette always managed to surprise her.

When she got over the initial shock she said "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for."

Sara sighed. Why did she know that this answer would come? She'd thought all breakfast about what she was going to say to Catherine. And she promised herself that she would go through with it. "I do, and you know it."

Catherine started to interrupt her again, but Sara cut her off. "Look, this is hard enough as it is. I want to tell you some things you really need … no … deserve to know. Just let me get it all out and tell me what you think later, okay?" The brunette sounded nervous.

Catherine just nodded. If Sara was willingly opening up to her, there was no way in hell she was going to stop her. If she needed to correct Sara in a few points, she could do it afterwards.

Sara took a deep breath. Now or never. "I really need to apologize for my behaviour. I know you felt hurt and I want you understand – at least a little bit." She paused, looking for the right words to continue. "When we arrived at that room I kind of freaked, but it had nothing to do with me not wanting to be near you. It was just – like I said last night – I could be sure I would be having a nightmare and I didn't want to wake you."

Sara took a quick glance at Catherine before going on. "Actually, I really enjoyed sleeping with you." When she realised what she just said, the brunette started blushing. "I mean not sleeping with you, but being in bed with you." Okay, that wasn't really better.

Catherine had to bite back a laugh. This was so typical Sara.

"I mean as a friend of course. Just this not being alone part. It's not like …"

Before she managed talk more nonsense, the blonde cut her off. "It's okay, Sara. Really! Stop rambling! I got what you meant." Sara sighed relieved.

"Actually," Catherine continued "I really liked having a friend to fall asleep with. It felt nice." She gave Sara a reassuring smile and the brunette smiled shyly back at her. "Thanks."

After collecting her thoughts again, Sara tried to get the rest of what she had to say out. "About this morning…" She trailed off again. Part of Catherine was tempted to interrupt her, tell her that she didn't have to explain herself, but the other part – the investigator – was curious, so she said nothing.

"When I woke, I felt really good. Your arms around me made me feel…safe." The blonde smiled at that, even if it didn't explain Sara's behaviour. "That was really my first thought. I actually have no idea why it changed." Sara paused again.

"From one second to the other I felt trapped instead of safe." She took a quick glance at Catherine. Instead of anger, the blonde looked…understanding? "I've never really enjoyed physical contact or, at least, it normally takes me a while to get used to a certain person invading my personal space."

Catherine thought about that. It was true. She could count the occasions where Sara was hugging someone on one hand – and they'd known each

other for about seven years now. At least she felt good at first. After all, they had a few more nights to work on that, while they were here.

Sara's admission also made the blonde wonder what the hell happened in Sara's past that made her so averse to physical contact. She hoped her co-worker was going to tell her that little part too, but Sara stayed silent.

Catherine took that as her cue to say something. "I accept your apology. I have to admit, I was a bit hurt this morning." No reason to lie to her. "But I also know that this is just … you. And who knows? Maybe one day we'll be close enough that this won't be a problem anymore."

Sara gave her small smile. "We will work on it?" It was more a question than a statement.

Catherine nodded. "Yeah, we will." She gave Sara's hand a squeeze, before walking the last few meters to the edge of the lake.

A few ducks were swimming around the lake. Catherine couldn't help but smile. Everything looked so peaceful. "You must feel like home." Confused she looked at Sara. What did she mean by that? The brunettes face was serious. "With all these ducks … you must feel like you're in your office."

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. "Hey!" She punched Sara playfully on the shoulder.

The younger CSI couldn't hide her grin anymore. "I'm just telling the truth." The blonde shook her head, but she was smiling. She loved this playful side of Sara. Catherine just wished she could see it more often.

Silence fell over them again. Both were looking out over the water, a smooth breeze playing with their hair. Then Catherine spoke up – she just had to know. "Do you remember your dream?" Sara sighed. Of course Catherine wouldn't let it go. Here we go.

"No, I don't. Like I said this morning, I don't remember having one at all." This was the truth after all. Maybe it would satisfy Catherine's curiosity. But the blonde didn't look satisfied at all. There was an unasked question in her eyes.

Sara took a deep breath and prayed that she was wrong. "Why do you ask? Did I … did I hurt you? Or did I say something inappropriate?" She could really picture the first one.

Catherine shook her head vehemently. "God no! You didn't hurt me." Why would she think that?!? "You didn't, okay?" She made sure to make eye contact to emphasize her words.

The brunette nodded slowly. Almost afraid to ask, she whispered. "What did I say?" At first Sara thought Catherine didn't hear her, because she wasn't reacting, but then she responded, still looking out on the water.

"Something along the lines of 'Don't hurt me'. Actually you were pleading." She heard Sara's sharp intake of air, but continued anyway. "You were tossing and turning, covered in sweat, with a mask of fear on your face." She turned to face her younger co-worker. "I was really worried."

When Sara didn't react at all, Catherine went on. "Are you sure you don't remember what your dream was about? Maybe a case or something … else." That seemed to snap Sara out of her trance.

"Sorry, I really don't remember. Guess that could have been about anything." She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe it was just total nonsense. You know, I have a vivid imagination." She sent the blonde a forced smile and turned back towards the water.

Catherine knew she was lying, but she didn't call her on it. Instead she dug deeper. "Last night you said you had nightmares often. What does that mean? Often?"

"Depends." Came Sara's answer. That was true after all. She didn't have the dreams all the time.

"On what?" Catherine was persistent.

"I guess on the current…situation. If a shift was tough or if I'm under a lot of stress, then I have them often."

"I ask again: What does often mean?" Catherine's voice was calm, but Sara felt her anger rising. This sounded like an interrogation – and she definitely didn't like it. With another deep breath she tried to control her temper. She had no right to be angry with Catherine.

"Well … a few times a week, I guess." Even to her own ears Sara didn't sound very convincing. So it was no surprise that Catherine looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Sara shrugged. "Okay, more like every day. But I don't think that it matters." She used her most casual tone, making it sound almost normal – which it actually was for her.

Catherine looked at her stunned. "You mean you wake up every night from a nightmare?" That was…extreme.

Sara shrugged again. "No big deal." She paused to look at her older co-worker. "I guess that's part of the reason why I'm a workaholic. I mean, I always think that if I'm not able to sleep, I could at least do something useful."

Catherine couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Did you try something like sleeping pills? I mean the body needs sleep." Sara shuddered at that thought. She remembered very well the last time she took sleeping pills. That definitely wasn't a very pleasant experience.

"Tried it. They kept me asleep, yeah, but they didn't keep the nightmares away. Have you ever been trapped in a nightmare and were not able to wake up? Believe me, that's a lot more exhausting than not sleeping at all."

"So you cut sleep to a minimum?"

"You get used to it." Catherine shook her head. That wasn't healthy. No wonder she'd lost so much weight and always had bags under her eyes. She thought about lecturing Sara, but before she managed to speak up, her co-worker beat her to it.

"I know what you are going to say. It's not healthy. I'm not taking care of myself. I probably don't eat enough and I drink too much…coffee. My PEAP counsellor said I was self destructive. But you know what? Your body really gets used to it. Besides, what else could I have done?"

"You could have said something."

Sara wasn't expecting that answer. She just snorted. "Like what? 'Hey, guys, I'm having nightmares all the time. Who wants to comfort me?'" The brunette let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, that sounds like me, doesn't it?"

Catherine dropped her head. "You are right. I'm sorry. Stupid idea. It's just …" She paused, looking for the right words. "I wish I would have realised what was going on. I mean, I'm an investigator. How could I miss that? I'm really sorry. You shouldn't have come to us … we should have come to you."

Sara looked at her co-worker in shock. Did she just say that? She had nothing to apologize for. If she had wanted help, she would have asked for it. "That's bullshit, Cath." The force of her voice surprised even Sara herself. "I didn't want help. You are surprised you didn't notice? I'm not. I've always been good at hiding myself from the rest of the world."

She gave Catherine a weak smile. "And by the way: Even if you had figured it out, I would have never accepted your help. It was just a few weeks ago that I realised that I wanted to change something." The blonde didn't look convinced. "Do me a favour and stop feeling guilty. You said you wanted to help me. Now you have a chance."

Great, now Sara was making her feel better. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way round? Sara was right. There was nothing she could do to change the past. Never doubt, never look back. That's the way she lived her life. If she wanted to change something she had to work on the present and the future. And now was the perfect time for it._

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A/N: Any comments????_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Here's the next chapter. Hope you'll enjoy it!_

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**Chapter 11**

Sara was proud of herself. She had actually told Catherine what she had wanted to tell her – and the most important thing: Catherine wasn't mad at her. She smiled to herself. This talking thing wasn't so bad after all.

They were still out in the park, watching the little ducks and enjoying the weather and their surroundings. They still had some time until their first meeting with the mysterious Dr. Albert. If it was up to Sara, they would stand out here all day. It reminded her of when she had been a little kid and spent a lot of time watching the ocean. Life was good at that time.

Lost in old memories, the brunette missed the inner struggle her blonde companion was having. Catherine was nervous. Sure, their talk had gone well up until now. But the things they talked about were easy – if you could label anything involving Sara Sidle as easy.

Catherine learned some interesting things about her younger co-worker, but the one topic that was on her mind since last night hadn't been brought up: the cuts. She could be sure that Sara was definitely not going to bring up this topic. So she had to do it herself.

The blonde looked down at her reflection in the water. Why was this so hard? She took a glance at Sara's reflection. With the small ripples the ducks created, it looked altered, almost like it was contorted in pain. Like last night, the image of the brunette with a razor blade popped up in her head. Out of the blue she asked "How do you deal with it?"

Surprised, Sara turned to her older co-worker. Where did that come from? "Excuse me?" She was really hoping that this talk was over, but she obviously was wrong. Catherine turned to face her, her expression serious. She looked directly into Sara's eyes.

"How do you deal with what we see every day? What do you do to get a cruel scene out of your head? How do you unwind when a killer goes free?" Catherine was definitely not one for chitchat. Sara wasn't sure if she wanted to answer that question. Right now, she was more or less in a good mood, and this topic could be a mood spoiler.

So she settled for a partially true answer. "I guess I don't. I try to bury everything deep inside and just move on." Sara prayed that Catherine would let it go. Where did that question come from anyway? Was her co-worker looking for something special? Did she want her to admit to having a drink every now and then? She refused to call herself an alcoholic.

She wasn't one. An alcoholic was someone like her father, or her mother, or some people she'd met on the job, people who were drinking all the time, people who couldn't live without a certain amount of alcohol everyday, who couldn't stop drinking when necessary. Sara wasn't like that. She knew her limits. She wasn't an alcoholic!

"I'm not an alcoholic." Damn, did she just say that out loud? The look on Catherine's face told her she did. Maybe she should try to think first, before talking, in the future. She mentally prepared herself for what was to come.

"I never said you were."

All right, what was going on here? If this wasn't about alcohol, then what was Catherine up to? And Sara was sure that she was up to something.

The blonde pointed in the direction of a bench standing a few meters away. "Come on. Let's sit down." With that she moved past Sara, but not without unconsciously taking a glance at Sara's stomach. The brunette, who was watching her co-worker closely, immediately picked up on it.

Damn! How could she know this?! Sara was frozen on the spot. Catherine knew obviously about the cutting. She wasn't supposed to know that! How the hell did she find out? She was sure she'd always been careful. Damn! Her hand went protectively to her stomach.

What would Catherine say? Definitely something along the lines of 'I'm really disappointed in you' and 'I don't want to have anything to do with someone so messed up' and then she would probably throw her out of their shared room. Yeah, Sara was really looking forward to all of this. But it was inevitable.

Catherine reached the bench and sat down. She noticed immediately that Sara wasn't at her side. When she looked back to where they had been standing before, she saw that the brunette hadn't moved an inch. Her whole body seemed tense. She'd obviously put one and one together and had a good idea what Catherine wanted to talk about.

Catherine felt sorry for Sara. Her body language told her that the young woman was ready to run away – far away. But now there was no turning back – for both of them. "Come here, Sara." She patted the free space beside her. To her surprise, Sara took a deep breath and slowly walked over to her.

The brunette sat down beside Catherine, her head down, arms protectively wrapped around herself. "You saw them." It was more a statement than a question. Sara's voice sounded defeated.

"With your trashing last night, your shirt rode up a bit. That's when I saw them." Catherine started to feel bad about bringing this up. She even felt bad about seeing the cuts at all. Sara obviously didn't plan on telling Catherine about that. And honestly, she couldn't blame her.

When the brunette didn't respond, Catherine continued with a soft tone, "It scared me. I wasn't expecting something like that." Still no reaction. "Why did you do it?" She just had to ask. She had to know so that she could make her stop.

Sara thought about Catherine's question. That was an easy one. "It helps calm me down." Silently a tear made its way down her cheek. Great, now she was crying. She hated crying, especially in front of other people. She had to seem really pathetic to Catherine. Angrily she wiped the tear away with the back of her hand.

Catherine was at a loss for words, but Sara went on in a detached voice. "I'm sorry. I'm just weak. I've always have been …" She took a breath to calm her wavering voice. "… and I always will be."

Catherine couldn't believe what she was hearing. Sara thought she was weak? What the hell happened to her to take all her self-respect away? "That's not true, Honey. You are a lot of things. You are stubborn at times, but above all you are a strong, independent, smart, dedicated young woman. You are everything but weak."

From the lack of reaction she was receiving she guessed that Sara didn't believe her. "I mean this, okay? Every word of it." The brunette still wasn't looking at her, but Catherine stayed quiet this time, hoping that her younger co-worker would think about her words and the truth behind them.

They stayed silent for a few minutes, each woman again lost in thoughts.

"Will you tell Ecklie?" Sara's voice was so quiet that Catherine wasn't sure if she'd spoken at all. Will she tell Ecklie? What kind of a question was that? "Of course I won't tell Ecklie, Sara. Actually I'm not going to tell anyone. I won't betray your trust. You don't have to worry about that."

Sara just nodded. She still wasn't sure how to deal with this. Could she really trust Catherine? In the past they were often enough at each others throats. How could she be sure the blonde wouldn't use it against her? How could she be sure she wouldn't use anything she learned about her this week against her?

Trust. Right. This was the point of being here. Trusting the other one. She hadn't even been here for twenty-four hours and she already hated the word 'trust'. Catherine's hand on her thigh brought her out of musings. She looked up and was met by a pair of watery blue eyes. Why the hell was she about to cry?

Before Sara managed to formulate an adequate question, Catherine spoke up, her tone firm, but full with emotion. "I just want you to know, whenever you want to talk about this or something else for that matter, you give me a call, okay? And when you can't sleep after a case in the future or when you need something to calm you down then just grab your phone instead of something sharp. I want you to call me when you feel like that again or when you just want to talk. Will you do that?" The blonde almost pleaded the last part.

Sara looked deep into Catherine's eyes. She expected to find pity or disgust, but she was met with concern and understanding. She thought about her co-workers words. "Honestly? I don't know."

That wasn't the answer Catherine expected. It was definitely not acceptable. "That's not enough. I want you to promise it, Sara!" Sara looked at her stunned. Who the hell did she think she was? The brunette was frustrated. This wasn't going to work anyway. And she was going to tell Catherine exactly that.

"I'm so screwed up! Can't you see that?!" Sara's sudden outburst shocked Catherine. "You won't be able to help me. It's totally pointless. Others tried this before you, just to realise that I was hopeless. Do us both a favour and don't waste your time with me. It's enough that I'm depressed. There's no need to pull you down with me!"

That was it. Sara had said some stupid things today, but she wasn't going to get away with this one. Catherine had tried to hold her temper in check, but her younger co-worker obviously needed a wake-up-call. She grabbed Sara's shoulders and forcefully turned her around.

Sara was caught of guard by this movement. Catherine looked really angry now. Sara's own expression was a mixture of surprise and fear. It looked like this friendship was over before it really started. But Sara wasn't prepared for what Catherine had to say – or yet, better scream.

"Never say that again! You hear me?! You! Aren't! Hopeless!" She emphasised every word. The blonde could just hope that that would get through Sara's stubborn head. "Don't make yourself sound like you are some kind of garbage. I said it before and I will say it again. You are smart and beautiful woman and a great CSI. Never think otherwise. You are worth my time, every second of it actually. I don't know who hurt you so badly and destroyed all your self-esteem, but who ever it was better never cross my way or I can guarantee that something will happen. You are my friend. You might be screwed up, but honestly, who isn't in some way? There is no need to give up Sara. You have always been a fighter, as long as I've known you. I see that every day when you fight for a victim. Why can't you fight like that for yourself?!? That's important too, Honey. Actually, for me it's more important. If you can't do that, you will have to learn it … and I will teach you." Sara was in shock by the end of Catherine's heart rending speech. Before she'd managed to formulate an adequate response, Catherine took her in her arms.

Maybe it wasn't the most sensitive way to do it, but it seemed to work. She'd actually managed to make Sara Sidle speechless. This reaction told her that she'd at least gotten through to her co-worker and that Sara was obviously thinking about Catherine's words – hopefully she was also realising the truth in it.

After a few minutes the awkward embrace changed into a comfortable one, as Sara finally relaxed into Catherine. They sat like that until their meeting with Dr. Albert, holding each other and enjoying the warmness that the contact was providing.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: Here comes chapter 12. Thank god that work isn't really busy at the moment and I have plenty of time to write :-)  
Thank you for your reviews. I'm glad you like the story so far._

_ACertainJustice: I know I came down to business fast, but Catherine just had to get it out. But they just scratched the surface of this topic. There is more to come. _

_GreenAlpaca: You're absolutely right. Till now Sara was the only one opening up, but that's going to chance in future chapters, because she'll realise it. That realisation and the first meeting with Dr. Albert will stop her from easily opening up again._

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**Chapter 12**

After what seemed like an eternity they finally broke apart. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, each women thinking about what had just happened.

With a quick glance at her watch, Catherine decided that it was time for them to go to their meeting. "We should get going." With that she rose from the bench. She could only hope that she had really managed to get through to Sara.

It was hard to tell what the brunette was feeling. Sara looked like she was thinking hard. Most of the time – like when working a case – that was a good thing. But right now it didn't seem like a good idea. Her co-worker had the talent to over-think things, especially when it came to her feelings.

She was about to say something, when Sara slowly got up from the bench. "Let's go." She gave Catherine a quick smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. With the intention of reassuring Sara a bit more she reached for the brunette's hand, but before she managed to get a hold of it, Sara shoved her hands in her pockets and started walking towards the exit.

Catherine raised an eyebrow at the behavior of the younger CSI. A few minutes ago she'd allowed Catherine to hold her in a close, tight embrace without any complaints and now she was back to not allowing the slightest contact. Just great!

Every time the blonde thought she had broken down one of Sara's walls, her well-trained self defense mechanisms built up a new one and they were back to square one on the issues of friendship and trust.

Sadly she shook her head and started to follow Sara. Soon she caught up to her younger co-worker. "Are you okay?" The brunette took her time to answer. Was she okay? No. Was she going to tell that to Catherine? No. The blonde's outburst had shocked her – to say at least.

Sara knew that Catherine just wanted to help, but all that talking and touching went too far too quickly for her liking. The cuts, for example, were something she didn't plan on talking about at all this week. Right now Catherine already had enough ammunition to get her fired.

Where did that thought come from? Damn! Sara was sure she was slowly loosing her mind. She obviously had a personality conflict going on inside of her. One moment she really wanted to trust Catherine completely, and the next moment another part of her was taking control and telling her to stay the hell away from the blonde – like now.

She had seen Catherine reaching for her hand – probably just wanting to give some sort of comfort – but before her mind had time to think, her body responded and walked away. Obviously the blonde was anything but happy about that. She knew Catherine had questions. Actually she could feel her intense look. So what should she do?

Finally the rational thinking part of her mind won and she stopped walking. After a few more steps, Catherine also came to a halt and turned around to her co-worker. The look on her face was far from happy.

Sara took a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry." Catherine raised an eyebrow but stayed silent. Sara took that as her cue to continue, because her co-worker obviously wasn't going to say anything. "I don't know what's wrong with me." She took a nervous glance around, checking if someone was within earshot, before practically whispering "Sometimes I think I'm going crazy."

The former hard look on Catherine's face changed to confusion. She took a few steps so that she was standing directly in front of Sara. "What do you mean?" Her voice was also quiet.

The brunette sighed. "I can't explain my behavior in any scientific way." She stopped, looking for the right words. "One second I want to trust you, the next second I don't want to be near you. Like in the morning when we were waking up. It felt good to be in your arms, but the next moment I felt like I was suffocating. Or the situation now: it felt good to talk to you at first. The hug felt good. But the next second it's like someone else is taking over my body and orders me to stay the hell away from you. It's confusing. It's scary. I'm loosing my mind."

Sara was running her hand through her hair, looking everywhere but at Catherine. The blonde felt confused too. Sara Sidle was an enigma. It really seemed as if her world was slowly falling apart. Did she think that her co-worker was loosing her mind? No! Sara was just confused and needed some guidance to get back on the right track. "No, you aren't, and I told you we would get through this together."

Sara's reply came promptly. "I don't want to use you as some kind of yoyo, but I can't control it. I heard the speech you just gave me, but maybe you want to re-think what you said."

Catherine shook her head immediately. "No, I definitely won't do that. You have a lot of things to work out in your life and I'm going to help you with that – whether you like it or not."

The brunette nodded slowly. "I'm sorry." This seemed to be becoming the word of the week. She didn't really know exactly what she was apologizing for, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Catherine just sent her one of her heart warming smiles. "It's okay, hon. We'll make this okay. By the way: I love challenges." With that she turned around and started walking in the direction of the restaurant again.

Sara shook her head. This woman could be really stubborn. But she obviously stuck to her word. Maybe Catherine was not the person she should worry about right now. The blonde was on her side – at least for now. The bigger problem would be this Dr. Albert. With everything that had happened since last night she totally forget to be concerned about him as well. But it was too late now anyway. She had to take whatever came her way.

The brunette took one last breath and followed Catherine into the restaurant. The blonde was waiting for her at the exit to the reception area, casually leaning against the wall, smiling at her. Sara smiled back when she approached her co-worker. It wasn't the most heartfelt smile, but it wasn't a fake one either.

"We need to ask someone where this doctor can be found." Catherine knew they still had about ten minutes left, but without correct directions, they would probably get lost in this big building. Sara agreed. "Yeah, why don't you go to the reception desk and ask for the way. I'll go to the bathroom. I need to … freshen up a bit."

Catherine nodded. "Alright." She wanted to give Sara some space and time to prepare herself for their meeting. The last hour in the park probably took its toll on the brunette. So she made her way over to the reception desk, as Sara wandered off to the bathroom near the main stairs.

The first thing Sara did when she reached her destination was to splash cold water on her face. She felt drained, exhausted – and she had only been up a few hours. A great way to start a day.

She really wanted to prepare for the meeting with that psychologist, finding some smart and safe answers for questions he could ask, but her mind kept wandering back to her talk with Catherine. The blonde really seemed like she cared about Sara. Sara couldn't remember the last time she'd met someone like that.

Of course, over the years she'd met a few people who wanted to be her friend, who pretended to care, but in the end they all left her. A few of them were like Catherine. They wanted to know what had happened to her. They wanted to help her.

When Sara was younger she believed what people were telling her. She told them some of her secrets and it drove them all away. Some stayed longer than the others, but in the end they all left – and that hurt. It made her be so careful about letting people in. Would it be any different with Catherine? Sara wanted nothing more than to believe that her blonde co-worker was different, that this friendship wasn't temporary, but her experience told her otherwise.

But what was Catherine's motive? They all had a motive. Most of them did it because they felt sorry for Sara. Oh, how she hated it: pity. There was nothing worse than someone being nice to you because he pities you. She never wanted to get those looks again. That was also the reason why she didn't tell the people at work about her family.

But pity wasn't always the only reason for people being nice to her. She remembered one person who'd really hurt her. It was in high school, not long after her father died. Tamales Bay was a small town and word about an 'event' like a woman killing her abusive husband spread like a wildfire.

Oh, what joy it had been to come to school everyday and get _the looks_. Sara had always been an outsider. She never had close friends, because her parents wouldn't allow it. But other kids were talking to her – at least a few. Even if it was just because they needed help with their math homework, but they did talk to her.

After the murder, no one talked to her. They all avoided her like she had some deadly disease. She probably did: the blood of her parents was floating through her veins – you could call that a disease.

Some kids looked at Sara with pity, but most had pure disgust in their eyes. They talked about her behind her back, called her a freak. After half a year she kind of accepted it. So it had surprised her even more when one day a girl from her school stopped her on her way home. At first she thought she was in trouble, because Jennifer Easton was one of the most popular girls of the school and those normally meant the most trouble.

If Sara had relied on her first instinct and just kept walking, she would have saved herself a lot of pain and embarrassment. But of course naïve little Sara didn't. Jennifer wanted to become her friend – or so she said. Her reason? The same as Catherine's: she wanted to help and Sara believed her.

They started to spend some time together. They were talking, listening to music, and studying for a big exam that lay a month ahead of them. Little Sara started to trust Jennifer fast and so she told her some things about her childhood. Jennifer promised she wouldn't tell them to anyone.

Sara was so happy to have a friend that she had forgotten everything around her and she had paid for that – on the day of the big exam they were studying for. From her point of view the exam was easy. Math was never a problem for her. After it was over she went looking for Jennifer, wanting to ask her 'friend' how it was.

She finally found her in the schoolyard with some other girls, laughing about something. Sara asked her question and was happy to hear that Jennifer also did very well on the exam. Then she made the mistake. She asked her shyly if she wanted to go for a milkshake. Jennifer told her she didn't have time for that.

Sara was a bit disappointed but tried not to show it. She even suggested that they could do it some other time. That's when the girls started laughing. To say she was confused was an understatement. Then Jennifer told her that she didn't want to do anything with Sara ever again, because Sara was bad for her reputation.

Little Sara still didn't understand what was going on. She reminded Jennifer of the fact that they were friends. That just made the girls, including Jennifer, laugh harder. One of the other girls told her then that someone like Sara would never be a friend to someone like Jennifer. Sara couldn't believe her ears. She told herself this wasn't happening.

She looked at Jennifer, but the girl just laughed at her, thanking her for bringing her through the exam. Then she added that she didn't want to be bothered by Sara anymore. The group started to laugh again, but little Sara didn't hear them anymore. Tears started to build in her eyes and she did the only thing she could think of – she ran.

Later that week she overheard some girls talking and felt even more miserable. It seemed that the only reason Jennifer started talking to her was that she lost a bet with her friends. It was something like a 'test of courage'. She had to spend a day with the 'weird freak' that was Sara Sidle. After she found out that Sara was such a genius in math she decided to change her plan and get the most out of that bet.

That was the last time Sara had trusted someone easily.

Sara's original question remained: Why was Catherine trying to be her friend? Sara really didn't believe that Catherine was a second Jennifer, but she was still unsure what the blonde's motives were. Did she feel like she had to do it? Would her co-worker be so persistent if she hadn't seen the cuts? Did Catherine just want to look good later? Did she want to be the great savior whom everyone will thank and love?

Or did she really want to be her friend? Did the great Catherine Willows really wanted to be friends with Sara Sidle? When she thought about it, the situation was very similar to the one in high school. The popular girl suddenly wanted to help her.

Great, here we go again! Her insecurities were going to drive her insane one day. Why did she always have to think and worry so much? Yeah, right. Could be because she got hurt so often over the years. The most recent example: Gil Grissom.

She and Grissom had been friends for so long. That was probably the longest friendship she'd ever had. She had always had some kind of feelings for him, so when he finally decided to do something about 'this', she didn't hesitate. She trusted him and it was easy to love him. There were no fears. Sara would have never expected that Gil Grissom of all people would hurt her like that, break her heart and leave her – and yet he did.

So why should it be different with Catherine? Maybe she wanted it to be different, but would it really be different? In the last twenty-four hours, Catherine had learned more about her than in the last seven years combined. Maybe that was enough. Her older co-worker now had enough ammunition to get her into trouble. From now on Sara would be more careful with what she was telling Catherine.

Of course, Grissom never used any of the information she'd given him against her, but she knew that the more he learned about her, the more he distanced himself from her – and that hurt. Maybe she could try to build some kind of friendship with Catherine without telling her everything about her life.

Perhaps she should approach this friendship differently, more offensive. Since they'd left Vegas, she had been the passive one. Her depressed side had gotten the best of her, and Catherine switched to mother mode. Her co-worker had a past too, and Sara was sure that she also had some secrets. If she could make Catherine talk about herself, the blonde might forget about asking questions about Sara's past. Maybe …

A hand on her shoulder brought her out of her musings. She looked up in the mirror, and saw Catherine standing behind her looking concerned. "Is everything okay? You've been in here for quite some time."

Sara blinked. She should stop zoning out like that. Sooner or later it would get her into trouble. She gave Catherine a weak smile. "Sorry. Let's go."

With that they left the bathroom. Once outside, Catherine was leading the way. After passing through a few long corridors, they finally arrived in front of a door with the room number 020 written on it. There was also a makeshift plate with the name 'Dr. Albert' attached to the door.

Catherine glanced carefully at Sara. "You ready for this?"

The brunette thought about it for a second. "No, not really, but it's not like I have a choice."

Catherine smiled reassuringly at her younger co-worker. "We will do it together." With that she raised her hand in order to knock, but Sara caught her fist before it managed to reach the door.

"What if they did a background check?" She might not have been worried about the meeting since she'd woken, but she definitely was now. Her voice sounded slightly panicked.

Again, Catherine was left to wonder what it was that Sara wanted to keep private. Sure, she'd always been a private person, but she obviously had something to hide. It couldn't be something … or could it ….

"Did you ever do something … illegal?" Catherine was afraid to ask, but if she wanted to help Sara, she needed a bit of preparation.

Sara blinked surprised. It was an interesting question. Did she do something illegal? Let's check. Abusive parents? Being in foster care? Screwing up relationships? Nope, not illegal according to the law. Grissom? No, not even Grissom was officially illegal, morally maybe, but that was something else. "No."

Relieved Catherine released the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She gave her co-worker another smile. "Then don't worry. There is no reason to fear for your job. And if you're concerned about how I might react – don't. I doubt there will be anything to scare me away."

Sara still looked anything but convinced, so Catherine tried again. "Look, we all have a past. It might not be good, but it's what made us, us. Look at me. I took my clothes off for a living. I don't think I'm less respected in the lab because of that. That's because I worked hard to get where I am now – and everyone knows that."

The brunette thought about it. Catherine definitely had a point there. Maybe she really was worrying too much about her past. It just really hurt to talk about it.

She just had to avoid certain topics. With that intention, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

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_A/N: Reviews are welcomed!  
In the next chapter we finally get to know Dr. Albert. And let me tell you something - it won't be pretty!_


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Wow, over 100 Reviews!!! You guys are great! Thank you so much for reading this!_

And now, Ladies and Gentleman, meet Dr. George Albert.

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**Chapter 13 **

After a few seconds of silence, they heard a low, raspy voice. "Come in." With that Catherine opened the door and they both entered the room.

The room was a bit smaller than their own. The only furniture was a big old oak desk and two chairs in front of it. Behind the desk sat a man in his mid fifties with short grey hair and thick glasses. For Catherine, he would fit perfectly into the cliché of a psychologist, if it weren't for the look on his face. In the movies – at least those the blonde had watched – shrinks were always smiling and radiating calmness. This one definitely wasn't.

Dr. George Albert looked like a villain from one of the Bond movies. He was miles away from having just the tiniest smile on his lips. Instead his expression was grim and unfriendly. He reminded Catherine of some suspects she had to interrogate. She mentally shook her head. If she started to think like that she would end up as paranoid as the brunette beside her.

Remembering her manners, she introduced them. "Dr. Albert? My name is Catherine Willows, this is Sara Sidle. It's nice to meet you." She gave him one of her famous smiles, hoping this might soften his features, but no such luck. The only thing she got was a grumpy. "You are late."

Catherine and Sara looked at each other with raised eyebrows and then back to Dr. Albert, who was still looking at them angrily. "Take a seat." Without waiting for a response he opened a folder which lay in front of him and started rummaging through it.

Sara glanced at her watch. They were hardly five minutes late. This welcome was a bit exaggerated. But it would have probably be the same, if they had been on time. With this guy being in charge, her chances of keeping her job seemed to drop drastically.

Both CSIs did as they were told. Not really knowing what to say, or better, the right thing to say, they stayed silent and waited for the doctor to speak. After a few more seconds he looked up from his file and to the women in front of him. He looked them slowly up and down and then back to the file. The look on his face didn't change.

Sara felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. This man was giving her the creeps. Considering the fact that she worked with killers and psychopaths every day, this meant something. Now she was really wishing that she had prepared better. Maybe a little bit less heart to heart talk with Catherine and a little bit more thinking about smart answers would have been good. Well, it was obviously too late for that.

Dr. Albert leant back into his chair. "You are here on a trust building seminar. This includes doing some trust building activities as well as counseling sessions with me. It is my responsibility to make a good team out of you." Catherine and Sara looked at each other, both thinking the same. Since when haven't they been a good team? Before either of them managed to clarify that, the psychologist continued.

"I will evaluate the progress you make. If it's not acceptable, then I won't let you pass this seminar. And if you don't pass this seminar, it will be documented in your file and it will be up to your superior to take actions." Sara visibly shuddered at the thought of a smug looking Ecklie, telling her to get the hell out of 'his' lab.

"So you better work hard on this and try to satisfy my demands. To put it in simpler terms, ladies: You are here to work out your differences and I'm going to help you."

Satisfy his demands? Sara felt like she just entered death row. And what differences was this man talking about anyway? They were getting along just fine.

"No, we are here, because our boss sent us here. We don't have any differences." Sara voice had now the same unfriendly tone as Dr. Albert's. Catherine glanced at her younger co-worker. An angry Sara wasn't helping in this situation. She could just hope that Sara would hold her temper. She quickly looked back to the man in front of her.

If possible, George Albert looked even grimmer now. He was obviously anything other than happy about Sara's objection. "Really? That's not what I heard." He sent the brunette a glare. Sara, never one to avoid a challenge, returned his glare with one of her own. "Then you are obviously misinformed." They both continued to glare at each other.

If looks could kill, Catherine would have a crime scene with two bodies to process. Sara's words were true, but the way she'd said them wasn't very smart. She had to interfere before things got out of hand. "It's true, Doctor. We might have had a few little differences in the past, but we are getting along great now." Her voice was calm and sounded even friendly.

Dr. Albert averted his look from Sara to Catherine, who tried to smile friendly. Not returning her smile at all, he looked back to the file in front of him, checking his notes.

Sara had a bad feeling, a very bad feeling. Albert reminded her of some of the shrinks she's been to in her life – and she definitely didn't have good memories from them. As a CSI she was trained to make herself a picture of someone very fast. And the one she had of the fine doctor wasn't rosy.

He seemed like an arrogant ass who was just trying to create trouble. She prayed to God that this guy knew nothing about her past, because otherwise this talk could turn really ugly. Obviously he had the talent to get under her skin – just like Ecklie. Sara hoped that she wouldn't blow up at him like she did with Ecklie in the past. This could cost her the job. She had to hold her temper.

After Dr. Albert re-read his notes again he looked back up to Catherine. "Little differences, Catherine?" His look made the blonde uncomfortable. "You don't seem to remember the event I'm talking about. Let me help you refresh your memory. It was February the 3rd, 2005."

Sara swallowed. She knew this was coming. It was the last big argument she had with Catherine, the one which led to her suspension – and the talk with Griss about her family.

Catherine glanced nervously at her brunette companion. She also remembered that day very well. It seemed that fact that this happened two years ago didn't make it less relevant for Dr. Albert. The psychologist was obviously well prepared. He probably had information in the file about the incident.

Catherine remembered that she had been very angry at Sara at that time. She had wanted her younger co-worker to get fired. She had vented her anger by talking to Ecklie, but after all this time she wasn't sure anymore what she'd told him. Up until now she had never worried about it. Well, up to _now_…

Dr. Albert continued recounting the details of their argument. "You two were working the Melton-case. A man killed his former wife and buried her body in tar. Does that ring a bell, ladies?" He looked intensely at the two CSIs. When they didn't answer he went on. "Sara here had some radical ideas about the approach to this case, and you as her superior, and lead on the case didn't agree and questioned her about her behavior."

Then he looked at Sara. "And then your dear co-worker said some very impolite things, didn't you Sara." The brunette held his gaze, anger burning in her eyes. He made it sound as if that was her fault alone – but it wasn't. Catherine was as much out of line as she was. Why did no one ever see that?

Even Catherine herself admitted it one night over a drink they shared. It was about half a year later, but they finally talked about what happened and they both apologized. And since then, they've been getting along. Okay, maybe they weren't the best of friends, but they had no big arguments either.

While Sara was thinking about a smart response, Catherine spoke up, knowing that the answer of her co-worker probably wouldn't be very polite. "We'd both had a hard shift that day, and we were both on the edge, but we talked about if afterwards and worked everything out."

Dr. Albert adjusted his glassed and looked unconvinced at both women. The venom in his voice let them know that he wasn't buying it. "Really? You know, that's interesting."

Sara was angry. This guy was definitely starting to piss her off. "And why, Dr. Albert, is this interesting?"

The psychologist just smiled at her. Right now he reminded her of one of those villains in the movies who was about to destroy the world, her world. Great metaphor Sidle! As soon as the smile appeared on Dr. Albert's face, it was gone again, replaced by his standard grim expression. "That's simple. Because the information I have tells me different."

Catherine didn't like where this was going. She was almost afraid to ask, but did it anyway. "And where did you get that information?" Dr. Albert just smiled his evil smile again, but didn't answer. Suddenly it hit Sara. "Ecklie!"

"Indeed it was Conrad who provided me with some interesting information that wasn't in your records." Catherine was surprised at this admission. Was Sara right and this seminar was a big conspiracy Ecklie created? Had he already made sure that Sara was failing this seminar? And why the hell did he say Conrad and not Ecklie?

"You know Ecklie personally?" She was almost afraid of the answer.

Dr. Albert nodded. "Of course I know Conrad Ecklie. He has a reputation as a lab-director. He's very competent." Sara wanted to puke. Someone praising Ecklie like that was just too much for her. Catherine too felt her stomach turning. If Ecklie made sure of the results of the seminar, then Sara was in real trouble.

Sara obviously had the same thought as she spoke up, venom in her voice. "So, Ecklie already made sure how this seminar ends, right Doc?" Now it was Dr. Albert's turn to loose his temper. He smashed his hands on the desk, loud enough for both women to wince. Then he took off his glasses and glared angrily at Sara.

"Are you accusing me of being biased? And for you it's Dr. Albert!"

Sara was about to counter, but Catherine interrupted her, trying to keep things civil. "Of course she wasn't, Dr. Albert. We both believe that you'll only act in our best interest. You'll see there is no other way, than letting us both pass this seminar, because we don't have a problem with each other."

Now the doctor and Sara were glaring at her, but the psychologist spoke up first. "You'll have to let me make that decision, Catherine. After all I'm the experienced psychologist, not you." The tension in the room was almost unbearable – and they'd only been in here for just a few minutes.

Catherine prayed to whatever god that was willing to listen that Sara would hold her temper. If she wouldn't they could probably start packing this afternoon. The brunette seemed to have come to the same conclusion and stayed silent. When Catherine also stayed silent, Dr. Albert spoke up again.

"Now, that this is settled, I'd like to go back to our original topic." With that he put his glasses back on and looked at his file again. Catherine and Sara were looking at each other, trying to communicate without words. The blonde tried to signal her co-worker that she wasn't allowed to let the shrink provoke her.

Dr. Albert observed the silent exchange in front of him with interest. "As I said before: From what I heard you didn't work it out. Actually you haven't been talking to each other for quite some time." Catherine and Sara were both not sure whether to deny or admit it, so they didn't interrupt.

"Why don't we work this out now?" Both women looked anything but happy about this suggestion. "What was it that caused you outburst, Sara?" The doctor looked directly into Sara's eyes, obviously trying to intimidate her.

But Sara wasn't having any of it. She easily held his gaze. "Something about the case I guess. I don't remember."

Her mother always told her that lying was a sin, but then again her mother always lied when she brought Sara with a new fracture to the hospital. So she soon learned that lying is allowed when it's necessary. And now it was necessary. She hoped that he was going to buy it.

Obviously not satisfied with this answer, Dr. Albert turned to Catherine. "Do you remember what this was about?"

The blonde hesitated before answering. "No. Like Sara said, it was something about the case. Something like that happens all the time – with everyone in the lab."

The doctor started to tap his fingers on the desk, making them both more nervous than they already were. "I see. Let me refresh your memory, because fortunately this very incident is very well documented. The documentation is always good when at least one party fully cooperates." While saying the last part, the smile on his face appeared again.

Sara's eyes fell immediately on Catherine. The blonde knew she looked guilty. After all she was the one to blame for this. So she didn't dare to meet her co-workers gaze. It wasn't supposed to work out like that.

Catherine had been really angry at Sara at that time. It was a hard time in general. She was supervisor and had a lot of stress on the job and with Lindsey. Sara just had bad timing. She remembered that she told Ecklie what happened in every detail. And the bastard obviously documented every word of it. Shit!

Dr. Albert started to read from his notes. "Sara here was asking you to send social services to the Melton household, because she was ahead of the evidence like so often, saying that Mr. Melton beat his wife."

At that, Sara snapped. "I was right! He killed his wife and abused his current wife."

The psychologist countered immediately. "This is not the point! The point is, you were not following the evidence, because there was no evidence of abuse!" He averted his gaze to Catherine. "And according to your testimony from that time there was no evidence that Mr. Melton was violent at all." The blonde felt guiltier with every word. She had to defend Sara somehow.

"Maybe there wasn't evidence, but what makes a CSI a good CSI is intuition."

Dr. Albert completely ignored her remark and turned to Sara instead. "You also made an unjustified and very unprofessional comment about her marriage."

Sara couldn't believe what she was hearing. Catherine told Ecklie all that? And Ecklie documented all of it? This was just fucking great.

Catherine started to feel more and more miserable. She knew it wasn't right what she did. Actually she wasn't even remembering what she'd told Ecklie exactly, but she was obviously angry enough to leave no detail out. This definitely wasn't going to convince Sara to trust her.

Sara didn't know what to say, but Dr. Albert wasn't finished yet. "And as if that wasn't already enough … when Catherine asked you why you always loose your control – a completely normal and justified question coming from a supervisor – you snapped and accused her of using her sexuality to get what she wants!"

That was it. Sara was fuming. "This wasn't entirely my fault!"

Catherine came to her support. "She's right. We were both responsible. I provoked her."

Dr. Albert wasn't very impressed by that, even if Sara's outburst had brought a tiny smile to his face. "This was no provocation, Catherine, and you know it. It was a totally legitimate question. Why do you protect her? Do you feel sorry for her?"

Catherine blinked. Did she feel sorry for Sara? Where did that come from? She turned to Sara who seemed as shocked about the question as she was. Then Sara looked at her like she was asking: Do you? When Catherine answered she never broke Sara's gaze. "I'm not protecting her. I'm just stating the truth. We were both in the wrong."

Relief crossed Sara's face. Then Catherine turned back to Dr. Albert. "And I don't feel 'sorry' for her. Why should I? Sara is my friend. So I think it's normal that I'm on her side!" As a smug grin appeared on the face of the psychologist, the blonde wondered what she did wrong that time.

"Calm down, Catherine. There is no reason to shout." Came Dr. Albert's calm reply. Still smiling he turned to Sara, who had a death grip on the chair, obviously fighting to hold her temper. When the brunette saw the look on his face, she suddenly had a good idea where this was heading. "Why don't you just leave it alone? We talked about this. We worked it out. Just! Drop! It!"

Totally ignoring Sara, he turned back to Catherine. "Actually, I could think of several reasons why you would feel sorry for your co-worker." Catherine looked confused, Sara looked like she was ready to run away. Realizing that he'd gotten to Sara, Dr. Albert continued satisfied. "I'm sure since you are such good friends now, Sara gave you an answer to the question you asked her that day, didn't she?

"Don't." Sara voice was just a whisper. She knew that Catherine would sooner or later learn about her past, but she wanted to tell her that personally – definitely not like this. She felt Catherine's questioning eyes on her, but didn't dare look at her.

"Sara has a reason to get emotional over cases. Most people in her situation would – but then, most people in her situation would never have such a job." Dr. Albert was smiling inside. This was much more fun than he'd expected. He ignored another plea from Sara to stop, and continued. "I'm sure as the friends you are, you told Catherine about your past, didn't you? You know, I really feel for you and under different circumstances I wouldn't say anything, but you are a member of law enforcement and your behavior in the line of duty in not acceptable."

Sara, at a loss of words, just gripped her chair tighter, telling herself that this wasn't happening. In the meantime Catherine realized what was going on, too. "I don't want to hear it." Of course, a part of her wanted to hear about Sara's past, but the other part didn't want to betray her co-worker. If Sara wanted to tell her something, she would do it in her own time. "Stop it."

Dr. Albert looked at her surprised. He obviously underestimated the relationship of these two women, but that wasn't going to stop him. "You are here to become a better team and in order to do that you have to know each other better." Then he turned to Sara. "Tell her, Sara. Just answer her question like she deserves it."

Sara wasn't moving at all. She knew she was about to have another panic attack. It wasn't supposed to come out like this.

Catherine glared angrily at Dr. Albert, trying to make him understand how out of line he was. "It's okay, Sara. You don't have to tell me anything."

Ignoring the blonde, the psychologist continued. "Fine, you had your chance." But instead of dropping the topic, he did it himself. "Well, Catherine, Sara didn't have an easy life."

Catherine looked at Sara, not sure what to do. Sara looked like she was in shock. She tried once more to bring him to his senses. "Look, I said I don't want to know it." Of course it didn't stop the doctor. It just made him angry – and loud. "Yes, you want to know! I don't know what she told you to pull you on her side but you'll see that it's better when she's no longer working in the lab." Without giving any of them a chance to interrupt he continued.

"Sara was abused since she has been a little girl, mentally and physically." Catherine wasn't really surprised by that. She always expected something like that – even if she hoped that it wasn't true. So, that was Sara's big secret? Okay, now it was out and they had to move on. She wasn't thinking any less of her now and she was going to let her know that. "That doesn't change my opinion about her."

Sara wasn't reacting at all, just staring blankly at the wall behind Dr. Albert. But that was obviously not the whole story, since the doctor went on. "Years of abuse can mark someone. You should know that, Catherine."

Catherine blinked. Now they were going into her past, too? Interesting. He definitely wasn't going to shock her with that. But instead of starting to talk about Catherine, he went on with Sara's past. "Fortunately Sara was released from her personal hell at the age of twelve."

Sara felt like a little child again. Small and totally helpless. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.

When Dr. Albert didn't continue and Sara still didn't move, Catherine took that as her cue to say something. She swallowed the lump in her throat. What was she supposed to say? "Looks like child services did their job." She couldn't think of a more intelligent answer right now.

Then she had an idea. "How about we take a little brake? I think I need some refreshing." With that she rose from her chair, turning to Sara, trying to get her up, too. What Catherine didn't expect was Dr. Albert's outburst.

"I didn't allow you to stand up, Catherine. Sit down!" Okay, this guy was now officially scaring her and Sara was, too. Her co-worker wasn't moving at all, and she looked like she had gone into real shock. Slowly Catherine sat back down, which prompted the psychologist to go on in a conversational tone.

"You are right. Child services came, but only after Sara had to watch her mother kill her father in an alcoholic rage with a knife. You have to admit that would have an influence on someone."

Catherine's eyes went wide in shock. This couldn't be. He was joking, right? That didn't happen to Sara. She didn't bury all that inside of her, telling no one, right? She turned to her younger co-worker. Sara was still staring straight ahead, shaking slightly. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the doctor leaning back in his chair, a satisfied smile on his face.

This all couldn't be true.

Could it?

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_A/N: I don't know if this is what you expected ... I don't even know if this is what I expected, but it just turned out like that during writing. Let me know what you think!_


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Okay, guys, I got it! It's not very realistic. I apologize for that. I just wanted to make the Doc look really bad, and obviously I exaggerated a bit ;-). But now I have to run with it. I can promise you that I'll try to make it more believable - after the session with Dr. Albert. And if it helps: I want to get rid off him anyway. I hope you'll all stick with me until then. _

_I wanted to thank all of you for your reviews (no chapter had caused that many reviews till now) - I really appreaciate them._

_Axiegirl21: I can assure you that Dr. Albert has no interest at all in helping Sara, but in the future there will be someone who really wants to help  
__Chione of the Nile: I'm pretty sure that this guy would be unemployed very fast - in the normal world ;-) Does it help if I say that they both - Albert and Ecklie - will pay for it? One more than the other. I already have something in mind.  
__MaeLace: It will take a bit longer until they come to their senses and realise that this is just wrong - and that they can do something about it. But they will do - or at least one of them will.  
__ACertainJustice: I know that I ran into things fast - again! But that time I really did it on purpose. I wanted this session to start with a bang - and what would be better for that than the death of Saras father? If I do it again in the future, feel free to remind me of it!  
__graveyardcat: First of all: Freut mich noch 'nen Deutschen hier zu treffen ;-). As for your comments: I said it before: I exaggerated - no question there. This is way too personal and it would never happen in the real world - but this is fanFICTION, so try to ignore it gg. I'll make up for it - somehow! However I don't agree with your other remark. Maybe the 'drowning in her eyes' line was out of place (I would have used different words in German), but as for the sleeping in each others arms ... I don't think that you have to be attracted to someone for that. It's a matter of trust and friendship. But that's my opinion. I can promise you though, that this will not turn into a (real) romance._

_Alright, I said enough! Let's go on with the story!_**

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**

**Chapter 14**

_**Tamales Bay; 1984**_

_The smell was awful. A heavy layer of alcohol and copper was in the air. Sara's stomach turned. If she wasn't so busy screaming, she probably would have thrown up right here in the living room. _

_She looked around and took in the scene in front of her. The plate she had dropped earlier lay broken beside the couch. On the couch as well as on the walls were red dots. Until today, red had always been one of her favorite colors, but now she knew she would hate it till the end of her life._

_The dots were blood. His blood._

_That thought made her stop screaming. Instead she started crying. She hadn't done that in a while, because Daddy had always said that only weak people cry, and if necessary he would teach her not to be weak. A promise that would bring pain – Sara knew that. So she tried not to cry, at least not when someone was around, but right now she couldn't stop it._

_Her arm hurt from where Daddy had smashed her against the table. It was probably broken – again. But this time he wouldn't come up with a creative excuse for the doctors at the hospital, because he wouldn't go to the hospital with her. He wouldn't go anywhere anymore._

_Daddy was dead. Sara never saw a corpse before, but from the blank look in his eyes, which were turned to her, she knew that he would never get up again. That just made her cry harder. Her Daddy wasn't always the best Daddy, but he was her Daddy after all and she loved him._

_She also loved her Mommy, but right now she scared her. Her Mommy always became scary when she drank a whole bottle of the stuff she kept in one of the kitchen cabinets, behind the cleaning agents. She once told her that it was medicine, but Sara, the smart girl she was, knew better. One night when her parents weren't home she took a sip from one of the bottles and came to the realization that alcohol just tasted awful. She never did it again._

_Tonight was one of those nights where Mummy had drunk. And the fact that she was standing over Daddy with a big knife from the kitchen, blood dripping from its blade, wasn't helping the scary part either. _

_Sara cowered in the corner of the living room, knees pulled up to her chest, her broken arm hanging loosely at her side, the other one protectively wrapped around her small body. _

_Suddenly her Mommy started to look around the room. She seemed confused. Then her eyes fell on Sara. All Sara could do was stare at the knife. She didn't even realize that the knife was moving – in her direction. _

_Before her brain could register what was going on and tell her body to run, her Mommy was standing in front of her, her hand reaching for Sara. But before she managed to grab her, Sara sprung up and started to run, just to find herself in front of another wall she didn't know existed in her living room._

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**Dr. Albert's Office; Present Day**

Sara was standing with her back against the wall opposite the door, a look of pure horror on her face.

Catherine sat in her chair, not knowing what the hell happened. Yeah, that bastard of psychologist just told her about Sara's horrible past – in a very insensitive way – but the brunette's reaction confused her. She expected Sara to get angry, to yell at Dr. Albert, but instead of that, she had just sat unmoving in her chair.

The only indication that she was still alive was the death grip she had on the chair as well as the slight shaking of her body. Otherwise she had looked almost catatonic. To say that this behavior had worried Catherine was an understatement. Catherine had reached for Sara's hand, trying to comfort her, but as soon as their hands had touched, the brunette jerked away, like she'd gotten burned.

And she didn't just pull her hand away. Before Catherine knew what was going on, Sara jumped up from her chair and started to run. Considering the fact that they were still in the little room and that the door was on the opposite side of it, the younger CSI had to stop in front of the wall. She turned around, panic written all over her face.

Without realizing what she was doing, Catherine's mother instincts kicked in and she jumped up too and made her way over to Sara. This move made her co-worker step backwards, only to realize that there was just the wall and no way to escape.

The blonde immediately stopped her movements. Instead she spoke up with a soft tone. "Sara Honey, everything is okay."

Obviously nothing was okay, because when she made another step towards the brunette, she shouted, "Stay away!"

She had totally forgotten that they weren't alone in the room, until Dr. Albert spoke up again. "This, Catherine, is the problem. Can't you see that Conrad is right? She is a loose canon with a gun, simply unpredictable." He was still comfortably leaning back in his chair, a smile on his lips.

When Conrad called him and told him about the unpredictable CSI, of whom he wanted to get rid off, it sounded interesting, especially after he read the file about her past. He expected Sara to get angry, but not fall into shock and have flashbacks like she was obviously having right now. But that just made it more entertaining for him.

Catherine was fuming. How dare he say something like that? Who did he think he was anyway? This wasn't psychotherapy, but psycho war. Without leaving Sara's eyes she shouted, "Can you just shut up for a second. I think you already said enough!" Then she softened her tone again and put her best smile on. "Sara?"

The brunette in front of her started to blink. Once. Twice. Catherine saw how she slowly came back into the real world from where ever she had been.

Sara felt like she was drunk. There was a thick fog inside her head. Slowly the fog cleared itself. There was no longer Laura Sidle standing in front of her, holding a bloody knife, but a concerned looking Catherine Willows. What the hell just happened?

"It's okay. You have to calm down, Sara." Catherine's soft voice reached her ears. Why was she standing with her back against the wall? They were talking, talking about the argument Catherine and she had had a few years back and then … then Dr. Albert started to tell her co-worker about her past. Dr. Albert!? Sara's head snapped away from the blonde in front of her to the psychologist, who was still sitting calmly behind his desk. The brunette answered his smile with one of her famous glares.

Catherine felt the urge to reach out to the younger CSI, to take her in her arms, but she didn't. The blonde was sure that Sara wouldn't accept her gesture. Sara's body language told her that she didn't want anyone near her right now.

When Sara turned back from glaring at Dr. Albert, she searched for Catheine's eyes again. She just had to know what the other woman was thinking. Interpreting what she found in those blue eyes as pity, she sadly dropped her gaze.

Before Catherine had a chance to say something, Dr. Albert interrupted. "Sit down. Both of you. We've already wasted enough time. Let's continue."

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. Was this man serious? "Are you kidding? Where the hell did you graduate from? An asylum?"

Dr. Albert's smile left his face immediately. His grim look from before was back in place. He really wanted to teach these CSIs some manners, but he held his temper – this time. "Sit down." Came his calm reply.

How insensitive can one human being be? Catherine shook her head. This guy reminded her more and more of one of those psychopaths she had to deal with on the job – definitely not of a well trained psychologist. But there was no chance in hell that they would just continue. "We are taking a break."

Dr. Albert wanted to say something, but Sara was faster. She finally regained her voice. "Actually I'm done here." With that she went straight for the door.

Catherine and Dr. Albert looked stunned at her. Neither one was expecting her to give up without putting a fight up. The doctor found his voice first. "I don't think so." Came his warning reply.

Without turning around, Sara muttered. "Try to stop me." Her hand was already on the doorknob. This was definitely the last shrink she would ever go to.

Catherine didn't know what to do. Sara was obviously in pain. She just had no idea how to take that pain away. The blonde knew that she had to do something, after all Sara's job was at stake and she was not going watch her ruin her life, but Dr. Albert was faster than her.

"If you leave now, Sara, you've failed the seminar – and you know what that means. Maybe Catherine can talk you into staying, because if you leave, she will also fail this seminar."

Both CSIs had the same thought. Blackmail! Sara froze with her hand on the doorknob. Damn! "That's blackmail, you bastard! You can't do that!"

By now the doctor's evil smile was back in place. "Watch me."

At that, Sara turned around, glaring at Dr. Albert, so did Catherine. The blonde didn't know what to think right now. In the first place she was shocked about the revelations about Sara's past. Abuse is one thing, but watching your mother kill your father? Damn! She knew what Eddie's death did to Lindsey. She expected this to be ten times worse. No child should have to live like that, to experience something like that. She just had no idea how to feel about it. Did she feel sorry for Sara? Probably. Could she understand her emotional distress during abuse cases? Maybe.

Catherine definitely knew one thing: how she felt about Dr. Albert. She hated that man. He was obviously on war path and as it looked, with direct orders from Ecklie. And now he threatened to not just let Sara fail the seminar, but her also.

Would Ecklie really fire her over something like that? Her record wasn't like Sara's, but it wasn't perfect either. After all she blew the lab up… But Ecklie wouldn't dare do this right? Was her job in danger now because she was on Sara's side? Could that bastard pull a stunt like that? Could she take the risk? Catherine needed that job. She had a daughter and a mortgage to pay.

The most interesting question: could she blame Sara for wanting to leave? A part of Catherine understood how painful reliving this memory must have been, but the other part wanted her to sit back down and fight – for both their jobs. Expectantly she looked at Sara.

Meanwhile the brunette was fighting an inner battle of her own. She wanted nothing more than to walk out of this room, this place and this damn state. Sara felt horrible. She'd had flashbacks from her childhood before. Mainly after certain cases or when she was drunk. But this one was different – it felt real, more real than anything in a long time.

Sara had no idea what the doctor did to trigger it. He hardly mentioned details, but suddenly she felt like she was back in Tamales Bay that very night. Actually she could still smell the blood. She knew it was just her imagination, but her brain refused to accept that.

The brunette knew that she would loose her job if she walked out that door. And if that happened she would probably never return to Vegas again. There was absolutely nothing that held her there anymore. Maybe she could catch a flight from New Orleans directly to Boston. She still had some friends there from her time at Harvard.

She would start a completely new life. She could work in some lab, doing experiments or she could return to Harvard as a scientific assistant. Actually anything sounded more appealing than staying here right now. God knows what else Dr. Albert knew about her. Sara shuddered at that thought.

But what about Catherine? Was it fair to just walk away like that? After all, the blonde had tried to be her friend, tried to comfort her, protect her. The interesting question was, what would happen if Catherine failed this seminar? Would Ecklie really fire her too? That was unlikely, wasn't it? But what if he did it anyways? Could she really take that risk?

Catherine had Lindsey to take care of, for Gods sake. The life of the girl was hard enough without a father. She needed some stability in her life and therefore her mother had to keep her job. Maybe…maybe Sara could at least try to get through this seminar – at least this session. If she couldn't, she would probably blame herself her whole life. Damn conscience. This was going to be one of the worst days of her life – and in the life of Sara Sidle that meant something.

To hell with it. She couldn't always run away. That Catherine now knew about her past shouldn't bother her, because after this week she would never see her again! Well, if she was going down, she wouldn't do it without a fight. Sara just had to make sure she wouldn't have other flashbacks like that again. She just couldn't allow Albert to get under her skin in the future. Time for her famous defense mechanisms to build up some strong walls. And if her plan didn't work, she could still leave anytime.

With clenched teeth she turned around, glaring at Dr. Albert. Then she looked at Catherine, who was still standing in the same spot. The blonde looked scared – scared about loosing her job. It looked like their 'great' friendship was finally over. Catherine seemed to have realized that their relationship endangered her job. Now they were at least both playing with open cards – no more hiding behind false feelings.

Without a word she went back to the chair and sat down again. Dr. Albert smiled smugly at her, Sara just glared back. Son of a bitch! If he thought he could go on like that, then he was wrong. Sara Sidle was a fighter and the dear doctor would realize that very soon.

From the corner of her eye she saw Catherine come over and sit down, too. They didn't look at each other.

Dr. Albert checked a few more papers on his desk before re-adjusting his glasses and turning to both women.

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_Well?_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: Hey, guys! Glad you liked my last chapter. Thanks for all your reviews. Well, I totally agree with all of you: we should strangle Dr. Albert - or maybe Catherine and Sara should do it ... Would I make them do something like that? Who knows. You'll have to read to find out ;-)_**

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**Chapter 15**

After a minute long staring match between the three people in the room, Dr. Albert finally broke the silence. "Conrad was right about you. You are obviously not suited for the job."

Sara snorted. "Really? How come I have one of the highest solve rates in the lab?" It was obvious that her will to fight was back. A fact that completely surprised the psychologist. After her little breakdown, Dr. Albert did not expect her to have a comeback.

And now Sara was just warming up. "Don't tell me I'm not a good CSI. You are not qualified to make such statements." With a satisfied smirk she watched the doctor get angry. She knew she was still upset, but she also knew years of experience taught her how to hide it. She waited patiently for her opponent to answer – and she didn't have to wait long.

"Did you just say, what I think you said?" No one spoke to him like that – at least not one of his 'patients'. From a professional point of view he had to admit that Sara Sidle seemed to have an interesting personality. If you manage to get through to her, you can break her down easily, but her past taught her how to build up strong defence mechanisms. The first time he caught her by surprise. In order to get another reaction like that he would have to work harder this time. But he was more than willing to do it.

Based on the phrase 'the attack is the best defence' Sara went on. "If you have any trouble with your hearing you should visit a doctor."

But before she managed to verbalize some more provocations, Catherine stepped in. "Sara!"

Catherine knew that she couldn't allow this to get out of hand. She was confused, angry and scared, but maybe there was still a chance of making it through this seminar in one piece. She had to be tactical now. Maybe, if she asked the right questions carefully, she would at least know where they stood, and what Dr. Albert's intentions really were.

Sara was glaring at Catherine. Just because their jobs were at stake didn't mean she was going to kiss Albert's ass. If that was the blonde's idea of finishing this seminar, then she could really do it alone. She had thought Catherine was tougher than that.

Trying to ignore Sara glares, Catherine concentrated on the doctor and her task to get some helpful information. In order to achieve that, she put her best smile on. "With all due respect Doctor Albert, we are all adults. We should behave like them. Let's talk civilly about this."

Civilly? She wanted to talk civilly? The psychologist smiled inwardly. Maybe he could have some fun at the expense of both women. Conrad just said something about the brunette, but of course he had also some information about Catherine. And he would use it. "And you think your charming smile will contribute to that?"

Catherine and Sara both looked surprised at his reply. What was he playing at now? Before they managed to formulate an answer, Dr. Albert leaned forward on his desk, his eyes meeting Catherine's, before slowly moving downwards to her cleavage, where they stayed for second before moving up again. He licked his lips. "Was Sara right in the end?"

Catherine felt exposed and disgusted. "What is that suppose to mean?" She tried to hold her temper anyway, even if she had a pretty good idea where this was heading now.

"Do you use your attractiveness to get what you want? I mean, you are sexy as hell. No question there. I'm sure you can convince a lot of men to anything you want." Dr. Albert smiled seductively as he watched Catherine's eyes go wide and her mouth open and close a few times, without a sound coming out. She obviously didn't expect him to be this bold. Good.

Sara on the other hand was just shaking her head in disbelief. It looked like she wasn't the only target anymore. The doctor seemed willing to do anything to provoke at least one of them. But he was about to realize that this was a mistake. Because if Catherine wasn't trying to hold her back, Sara new that sooner or later something would snap inside of her – and then, she really didn't want to be in Albert's shoes.

But she hadn't reached that point. She actually felt very self-controlled at the moment. The only thing she could do now was to try and keep Catherine under control. The blonde seemed ready to explode. "Say that again." Catherine's voice was loud and dangerously low.

Biting back a smile, Sara intervened. "Catherine, I thought we don't want to scream at each other." Catherine's head immediately snapped in her direction. The brunette could read in her eyes that she was about to say something along the lines of 'What the hell are you doing? I thought this is what you wanted?', but Sara was faster and addressed Dr. Albert.

"You think she's using her sexuality now? Man, you haven't seen her in action. But let me tell you something: Catherine would never do that with you because you are miles under her standard and the thought alone is purely disgusting." Okay, maybe the first part wasn't really nice, but it was true none the less.

Catherine looked speechlessly at her co-worker. She didn't know whether she should feel offended by the first part of Sara's answer or if she should be glad about the last part and the fact that they were obviously still on the same team.

The blonde looked at Sara, who met her gaze. Each women saw the anger in the other one's eyes, but they made a silent agreement, which said 'we won't let him provoke us'.

After Sara's remark, Dr. Albert was also about to lose his temper. The brunette deserved a good spanking to teach her some manners. But he wouldn't do that. Up to now he hadn't done anything really inappropriate. They were 'just talking'. If he really did get physical – as satisfying as this may seem – it would endanger HIS job, and he couldn't risk that. But as the great psychologist he was, he knew exactly how to get certain reactions out of his patients by just talking and using the right words. And luckily the sessions here were not recorded. In the end it was just his word that confirmed his evaluation. So, if the two CSIs tried to accuse him of something it was their word against his and he was sure that he could easily pull every judge on his side. "This is why I think you have the wrong job. You deal with people every day. Your aggressions and manners just aren't acceptable. Again, I can understand why you act like that."

To Sara this seemed like some kind of ping pong match. Every side was throwing an insult or provocation to the other party, waiting for the response and the other way round. All right! If the fine doctor wanted to play, Sara was definitely in.

"And just because you know that I was abused and witnessed my father's murder you think you understand me?" She tried not to show him that saying that out loud really pained her, so she hid it under a thick layer of sarcasm.

The ball was back in Dr. Albert's court. His answer came quickly. "Don't worry Sara. I have more than just that information to prove my theory."

This time it was Catherine who spoke up. "So you brought more filthy stuff from the dirty hole you crawled out of?"

"Dirty? Filthy? Well, Catherine, you have to know the meaning of those words, don't you?" Came the doctor's reply.

Catherine narrowed her eyes. It looked like her own past was coming up now. "Don't go there." Her tone was warning but that didn't impress the psychologist.

"Where don't you want to go me? Into your dirty past? I mean, somehow I can really understand where Sara gets the idea that you use your sexuality to get what you want." Catherine's sudden intake of breath indicated that Dr. Albert obviously hit a nerve, but she stayed calm nevertheless – at least on the outside. Inside she was fuming.

Meanwhile Sara watched their interaction with interest. Of course she was on Catherine's side, yet it felt good when someone else's past was the centre of attention.

"You're talking about my days as a dancer, I assume?" Catherine's voice was still calm and she had her poker face on, the one she always used during interrogations.

Albert smirked at the blonde. He thought about how far he could go until Catherine lost her temper. It was time to push a few buttons. Again he was more than happy that this session wasn't recorded. That gave him a lot more space. The right choice of words would do the job. Dr. Albert leaned back in his chair, his intense gaze never leaving Catherine's eyes. They sat like that for a good minute, the tension growing every second.

"Tell me, Catherine." He paused again "Do you like it to be in control?" Before the blonde managed to answer, the doctor did it for her. "I know you do. You're radiating it." Again he paused, successfully making Catherine a bit nervous. "Did it make you feel in control when men – and probably women too – drooled all over your naked body, when you were sliding up and down your pole? Did it give you a feeling of power when they shoved their bills into your thong? Did it give you a kick to give some horny bastards with a hard-on a lap dance?"

Dr. Albert would have probably continued if Catherine hadn't jumped up from her chair and launched over the desk at him. If he wouldn't have been leaning back in his chair he might had some nasty scratches in his face right now. Instinctively he glided back with his chair only to connect with the wall behind him after a few inches. Well, he found Sara's reaction a lot more amusing than this! Fortunately for him, Sara came to help him – or her co-worker – depending on whichever viewpoint you look at it from.

Sara really wanted to kick Albert's ass right now or she wanted Catherine to do it, but she also knew that this would probably be the end of the blonde's career. So instead of watching and enjoying the show she jumped up too. She grabbed Catherine by the shoulders and pulled her back to the other side of the room.

Catherine was fuming. Damn son of a bitch. Yeah, she didn't want to let him provoke her, but he succeeded anyway. Sara attempts to clam her down by telling her that he's not worth endangering her carrier, weren't helping at all. She just wanted to wipe that smug grin from his face, but she stopped dead in her tracks at Sara's next comment.

"What would Lindsey say if her mother get's arrested for assault?" Damn, Sara was good. Catherine took three deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Shit! Shit! Shit! Damn bastard!

Sara let go of her co-worker and went back to the desk, leaning forward, glaring at the smiling Dr. Albert. "You are not just out of line, you're simply nuts. Which mental institution was it that you escaped from? We won't take your shit anymore. We'll go directly to your boss. You will loose your job for the stunt you just pulled!"

The psychologist just laughed at that. "Really, Sara? I'll lose my job? Can I remind you of the fact that it was Catherine here who attacked me? I just did my job – which is making you two talk about your past. But Catherine should loose her job for that, don't you think so?"

"Is that a threat?" Was Sara's only reply.

Catherine obviously found her voice again. "We are still going to your superior. Your behaviour is not acceptable."

Dr. Albert just grinned at them. "Well, than you will be happy to hear that my 'superior' is a very competent man. As a matter of fact, Ladies, the head of this seminar is Dr. George Albert!" He paused, enjoying their shocked faces. "And as for getting me fired after this seminar ... when I don't work for the law enforcement I have my own practice. So it will be hard for you to convince 'my boss' to fire me." Satisfied with the development of this session so far, he leaned back in his chair.

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_A/N: Well, Albert is still alive, but there is one more chapter left in this session. I'll try to update soon! Thanks for reading!_


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N: Here comes your update. Thank you soooooooo much for all your reviews - if you go on like that my ego will grow into unknown dimensions lol_

_This is the last part of the session - but it's not the last time we meet Dr. Albert. I can make you a promise so: I'll get rid off him - it's just a matter of time. Right now I think of a way to do it believable. I have to admit just letting him slip on the stairs all by himself and then fall into a coma sounds tempting, but I will think of something else._**

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**Chapter 16**

It looked like she had really underestimated Conrad Ecklie. Sara hadn't expected this to be a nice walk in the park, but this was extreme! She probably should return to Vegas after this seminar after all – then she could finally tell that bastard what she really thought of him. Well, why should she wait until this week was over? "If you're the boss here I guess we can just go now and spare ourselves the embarrassment, humiliation, and mental torture you want to put us through, because we all know that in the end we'll both fail this seminar. So why don't we cut this short? You had your fun. Let's call it a day."

Dr. Albert looked at her in mock hurt. "Sara, Sara." His tone sounded like he was talking to a little child. "I thought we had already covered that. Of course it's not my intention to let you _both_ fail this seminar." His emphasis of the word 'both' made Catherine and Sara realise once more that this was about Sara - and Catherine was obviously just collateral damage.

The blonde CSI thought about a smart reply, but came to the realisation that this would just provoke another verbal attack from the doctor. And she really had to avoid that. Her great plan of staying clam hadn't really worked until now, but she couldn't give up. "So your intention is to let one of us fail?" They had to know what Dr. Albert really wanted.

The psychologist disbelievingly shook his head. Obviously Catherine didn't understand it. With the voice of a teacher who had to explain the multiplication tables for the twentieth time to his pupils, he answered. "Look, Catherine. I know you are a smart woman. But right now you just see your co-worker, not the whole situation, not the lab. Sara is a ticking time bomb. It's just a matter of time until she looses control during some high profile case and ruins it."

Sara just rolled her eyes. Bastard! "Hello!? The ticking time bomb is still in the room. I would be careful so that it doesn't explode right now!" Her voice was low and warning, but Dr. Albert just ignored her.

This man was just unbelievable. Catherine shook her head. What the hell was she supposed to do now? Of course she wanted to support Sara, but what change would that make? If she teamed up with her co-worker it would just end in her getting humiliated too, but it wouldn't change Sara's situation. She glanced at Sara, but the younger CSI didn't meet her eyes. The blonde felt confused and angry. It wasn't supposed to go like this. This was supposed to be a harmless seminar which should give them the opportunity to talk about some minor fears and about their relationship in order to understand each other better – nothing more.

Catherine took a deep breath. She needed confirmation. She needed to hear it from him. "So when Sara stays and plays your perverse games with you during the week, I'll keep my job? And if not, then I will lose it? But no matter what, Sara will lose hers?"

Dr. Albert smiled at her. "Catherine, it would be illegal for me to say something like that. Of course, the decision about who will pass and who won't won't be made until the end of the week. The only thing that I know already is that if one of you leaves before the end of the seminar, you'll both fail. And before you start again with accusing me of treating you unfairly - this rule applies for every team that takes part in this seminar. It's a motivation for you to work together."

Catherine sighed. From everyone else this answer would have sounded logical and believable, from Dr. Albert however, it sounded exactly like what Catherine said earlier, just with more polite words.

It was time to make a final decision. She had meant what she'd said to Sara yesterday and this morning. The blonde wanted to be Sara's friend. She wanted to help her. Then another thought crossed her mind. Catherine remembered very well what happened last night. She could picture her co-worker having even more vivid nightmares after going through all this. She just couldn't do that to her.

Damn it. Ecklie couldn't just fire her. When they were back in Vegas, she had Grissom on her side and she could probably pull the sheriff on her side too, if she explained everything to him. This could work. There was no need to put Sara through that. There was still a certain risk, but one she was willing to take - for the sanity of her co-worker.

"Let's go, Sara." With that Catherine stood up, expectantly looking at Sara, waiting for her to follow her. Her co-worker just looked at her surprised. She obviously didn't expect Catherine to do that for her. But the surprise was soon replaced by coldness.

"Sit down. Let's get through with it. We don't want a bad entry in your record, do we?" Sara voice sounded cold and sarcastic. Catherine wanted to speak up, but Sara raised her hand to stop her. "Look, its okay, Catherine. Let's just do it, okay? Let's spend a few beautiful days in this beautiful place and then go back to Vegas. End of discussion. There is no need to risk your and Lindsey's income for something that was inevitable anyway."

Catherine flinched at Sara's harsh words. It had been a while since the brunette had talked to her with such venom in her voice. But Sara's words also stunned her. She didn't expect her to be willing to do that. And she definitely didn't expect her to think of Lindsey in this situation. Yet she did. This woman never ceased to amaze her. She knew that Sara was stubborn - often too stubborn for her own good. But Catherine suspected that if she tried to talk her co-worker out of this idea, Sara would probably think that Catherine just did it because she felt sorry for her. And she didn't want that. Maybe she could save whatever was between them after all. "Thank you. We'll work this out." Unfortunately, Catherine's reassuring words seemed to have no effect at all on Sara. Obviously her walls where up again, blocking everything out that was thrown her way - good or bad.

When she turned back to Dr. Albert and saw the satisfied look on his face, she knew that they were in for a new round of 'Tie the two CSIs into knots'. "I hope such unnecessary interruptions won't happen again in the future or I will have to write that down in my report too."

When neither of the two women objected, he continued. "I really want to help you, Sara."

The brunette let out a dry laugh. "And what exactly is it you want to help me with? Wait, don't say anything … you want to make me realise that I have the wrong job and should start over as a car mechanic."

The doctor smiled at her. "I didn't think of a car mechanic, but if you like that – why not?"

Sara rolled her eyes. This guy was just dense.

"I really understand why you behave like you do. Your past was a real traumatic experience, and it is normal that it made you anti-social and aggressive."

It seemed that as long as Sara agreed with him, Dr. Albert could talk really professionally. But he sucked anyway. There was no way, that she would just accept that. She had a certain sense of honour and dignity after all. "I'm not anti-social and aggressive!"

Dr. Albert shook is head, a mock sad expression on his face. "Let's face the facts, shall we? Maybe you'll realise then, that I'm right." With that he pulled out a new sheet of paper and skimmed over it.

Catherine wondered what events of Sara's past he would pull out this time. She really felt uncomfortable hearing all that. But she couldn't do anything, right?

"When you came into the system after your father's death and your mother's commitment there were no foster families who wanted to take you. Instead you lived at an orphanage for a half year. And you constantly got into fights."

"I just defended myself. Those other kids were bullies who always stole my school books and destroyed my homework."

Totally ignoring Sara's objection, Dr. Albert went on. "It didn't get better when a family finally agreed to take care of you."

"Where the hell did you get all that information from? My file from that time is confidential." She once tried to get such a file for an investigation, but just got a shortened version – and that was a murder investigation. How did he do that? Ecklie definitely couldn't have access to it.

"For therapy reasons these people give everything out, because they are glad when finally someone is willing to help their lost sheep."

Sara snorted. Lost sheep? As soon as this was over she had to get that damn file and destroy it. That was probably illegal – but to hell with it.

"The Walters were really dedicated. They wanted to help you, but you just ignored them. They spent their money for therapy sessions but you just destroyed their property."

"That was an accident."

"You crashed a family legacy that was really old and really expensive!" Sara remembered very well what happened that night. It was just a damn accident. But her great saviours just couldn't forget that and decided after a few months that their stuff was more important than Sara. So she was back at the orphanage.

Sara took a glance at Catherine. The blonde looked really uncomfortable. Why did she feel uncomfortable? Sara was the one who had just had to relive her painful past. What was Catherine's problem? She heard stuff like that all the time on the job.

To Sara's 'joy', Dr. Albert went on recalling her way through the foster homes. "It took you another half year to finally convince someone else to take care of you - the McKeatons." Sara shuddered at that name. Now she had to hold it together. If she showed weakness, Albert would probably start to ask questions. She couldn't allow that. So she composed herself and straightened up. Fortunately the doctor seemed to have missed Sara little slip.

When the psychologist didn't continue, but looked at her, Sara glanced at the blonde beside her. Obviously Catherine wasn't going to intervene here. So it was up to her to say something. "Hey, I stayed there for two damn years without big incidents, didn't I?" She had no idea why she felt the need to justify herself, but she did.

"Yes and honestly I don't know why they kept you that long. And even after certain incidents they still wanted you. They were really good people." Sara started to feel really sick. They were everything but good people!

"After your foster father died in a car accident the luck left you and you had to return to the orphanage again - where you got into fights again. I don't think I have to mention the short stays at four other foster homes until you finally escaped to Harvard. Admit this at least: you have a problem with your temper. When you lose it 'accidents' happen. And your outbursts obviously haven't changed since your childhood."

Catherine felt like she was in a bad movie. That was Sara's life? She didn't know what to say. Better – she didn't know what to say and do to make Sara feel better without making the situation worse. With Dr. Albert here you never knew. She felt so helpless. So she just listened, praying that this would be over soon.

But the session was far from over.


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: Sorry for the lack of update. It was busy at work the last week. But I'll make up for it. The next update will come soon._

_First of all: Emily, get well soon! First your arm and now that?!?! You seem to be ill-starred lately. I'm glad my chapters make it a bit better ;-)_

_ElGringoLoco: Catherine will come to her senses soon and try to get rid off Albert. Help from home will be difficult as you will realise after this chapter.  
GreenAlpaca: I think we will find out in the end what really happend with the McKeatons! And until then I will tease you with little parts of it lol  
ACertainJustice: I truly hope I'll never fall into your disgrace. Then I would really fear for my life ;-)  
Veronica10: Wow, I don't know what to say beside THANK YOU! That's my first fic ever and I've never expected so many peple to read it - and like it. Thanks!  
Thompson: That would be in interesting idea, but I fear they don't have a chance to get their hands on his file, cause they have to survive without help from home._

_And before we start: a general THANK YOU to ALL of you who read this story and leave behind their opinion about it! I'm really glad you like my story!_**

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**Chapter 17**

At exactly two o'clock, Dr. Albert declared the session to be over. As soon as the two CSIs were out of the room Catherine slammed the door shut, creating a loud echo in the long, high corridor. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to get her emotions under control. She felt exhausted and angry. When she was a kid her mother always told her that words can hurt more than actions - after today she was more aware of that than ever before in her life.

Catherine had to admit that she hadn't really been a great help to Sara these last hours. Every time she tried to defend her, Dr. Albert would shoot her down with something from her own life. Despite her cool attitude, she knew that her co-worker was fuming inside. Now the blonde had to do some damage control.

That meant talking to Sara and reassuring her that everything she now knew about the younger woman didn't change her opinion about her. But was that even true? Catherine came to the conclusion that her own feelings didn't really matter now - talking to Sara and gaining her trust was the important thing.

She opened her eyes again and started to address Sara, only to realize that the brunette wasn't at her side anymore. Her head snapped down the corridor where she saw her co-worker vanishing around the corner. Damn it! "Sara!" Unfortunately the brunette didn't stop. In order to catch up with her she ran down the corridor and thanked God that she wasn't wearing heels today.

In the reception area she finally caught up with Sara. "Hey, slow down." That also didn't do any good. Sara was completely ignoring her, so she tried again. "Look Sara, I understand that you're angry, but let's talk about this, okay? Let's go back to our room and talk calmly about it."

Sara still didn't stop but quickened her pace. The only response Catherine got was a mumbled "I need fresh air".

Catherine knew she couldn't let her co-worker walk away. They had to talk about this - now. Before Sara managed to get out of reach, the blonde grabbed her arm and turned her around - not a very smart move. Sara was glaring at her, her eyes a mixture of fear and fury. The brunette immediately ripped her arm back from Catherine's grip. "Don't touch me!"

The anger in her voice made Catherine instinctively take back a step. They had to talk, whether Sara liked it or not. She took a deep breath and met Sara's glare with a soft smile. "Look, Sara ..."

Before she managed to formulate a whole sentence, her co-worker cut her short. "Leave me alone!" Sara's voice was loud and cold.

Everyone in the reception area stopped what they were doing and turned around to look at them. Great, Catherine thought while looking around. She really didn't need an audience for this discussion, so she sent those who were paying a little too much attention one of her famous glares, effectively making them return to their own business.

When Catherine turned back to Sara, she realized that the brunette was on the run again and already on her way through the main door. Shit! Again the blonde started a sprint in order to catch up to her younger co-worker.

Sara was heading for the forest that surrounded the mansion. She had no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she needed space. She could just hope that Catherine got her message and would leave her alone right now - or she couldn't guarantee anything. Of course she had no such luck. Catherine wasn't far behind.

"Where are you going?" Catherine's voice sounded unsure.

"Somewhere where I'm alone." Sara kept walking, heading straight for the forest.

The blonde cursed under her breath. This wasn't supposed to go like this. Damn it - nothing in this seminar was supposed to be the way it was now. Catherine just couldn't let her walk away. "Sara Stop!" The brunette had still a head start and wasn't slowing down at all. "For gods sake - STOP!" The blonde shouted almost at the top of her lungs.

Catherine breathed a sigh of relief when Sara finally stopped. However, the brunette didn't turn around. From her body language, the blonde could tell that Sara was really angry. Her whole body was tense, her fists clenched. Catherine stopped also, but a few meters away from Sara. She figured that a safe distance might be a smart idea. "Sara, let's talk."

Sara let out a dry laugh. "Talk? You want to talk? I think I talked enough already!" They'd sat in that room for a God damned four and a half hours. In the end she even started to feel claustrophobic. It was simply too much - too much reliving her past, too many harsh words from Albert, too many pitying looks from Catherine. And now her dear co-worker wanted to talk some more? She could do that without her.

With the lack of reaction she received, Catherine started to plead with Sara. "Sara, please ..."

That was enough! Suddenly Sara turned around, fury written all over her face, her eyes almost black instead of the normal brown. She didn't want to talk to Catherine right now - actually she didn't know if she wanted to talk to her co-worker ever again.

Catherine was scared. She'd seen Sara angry over the years, even furious at times, and more than once that anger was directed at her. But never had she felt as scared and as intimidated as she did now. Was this what Dr. Albert was talking about? If you provoke her long enough little 'accidents' can happen?

Where did that thought come from? Was she really afraid of Sara? No, she wasn't - and she wouldn't let that bastard talk her into it. The next thing she would do was find a phone and call Grissom. Maybe he could get rid of that guy for them.

When Sara started to speak, her voice was dangerously low. "What the hell do you want from me? Do you want to tell me how sorry you are about everything and how you'll be there for me? Okay, thanks! And if you'll excuse me now, I really want to be alone!" Without waiting for an answer she turned around and started walking towards the forest again.

Catherine sighed in defeat. If she went after her, Sara would probably bite her head off - or simply knock her out. And she definitely didn't need that right now. Maybe her co-worker would calm down if she gave her some space. And then they would talk later. "Don't stay out there too long, okay?"

The only response she got was something that sounded like a "Whatever".

Catherine looked at her watch. "I'll give you until five pm - then I'll personally organize a search operation!" she shouted after her. Sara just mumbled something incomprehensible and kept walking. Soon she vanished behind some trees - and Catherine was left alone.

Did she do the right thing? The blonde tried to tell herself that they both just needed some time to think - and then after a nice dinner they would sit down and talk about it. Everything would be okay ... Catherine sighed. Who was she kidding? This was probably never going to work.

Then another scary thought crossed her mind. Sara wouldn't do anything stupid out there, would she? The older CSI prayed that her co-worker didn't have anything sharp with her. Damn! She shouldn't have left her alone right now! How could she forget?!? She had to bring her back!

So she started running towards the place where she saw Sara disappear. When Catherine reached her destination, she stopped. The brunette was nowhere in sight and she had no idea which way her co-worker went. Shit! She called out for Sara, but didn't get a response - not that she really expected one. Double shit! All she could do now was hope and pray that Sara would really come back.

Defeated, she walked back into the mansion. Now she needed something to occupy her mind - or otherwise she would go crazy worrying about Sara. Right, she wanted to make a phone call. Catherine assumed her cell phone wouldn't have reception anyway, so she went straight for the reception desk.

Jennifer, the girl who had showed them their room, was behind the desk. When Catherine approached her, Jennifer looked sympathetically at her. She'd obviously also witnessed Sara's little outburst. "Is your co-worker okay?"

The blonde sighed. "No, not really, but I guess she just needs some time to cool off." Maybe if she told herself that often enough she would finally believe it.

Jennifer nodded. "Don't worry. I did such seminars before. You would be surprised how many patients loose it when confronted with a psychologist."

Catherine gave her weak smile. The girl wasn't very convincing, but at least she tried to offer comfort. "Thanks." Then she remembered why she was here.

"Do you have a phone?"

Jennifer's face fell. "I do, but I can't let you use it. Sorry." When Catherine raised an eyebrow, the girl explained. "It's a rule of the seminar. The participants are not allowed to use a phone."

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. "What kind of stupid rule is that?" She knew she sounded harsh and Jennifer probably didn't deserve that, but she couldn't help it.

"It's a psychological tactic. They want the participants to deal with each other and not run off to someone else for talking."

This was just ridiculous. It sounded like the staff of this seminar had to deal with hormonal teenagers instead of responsible adults. What was she suppose to do now? "That's just great. What about cell phones? You can't forbid me to use my own cell phone, right?"

The girl smiled at her. "If you do it where no one can catch you, then I don't see a problem. But I have to warn you. We have a really bad reception here. Sometimes someone had luck in the upper rooms - but that's just sporadically."

Catherine sighed. Well, there was at least a little chance that she could reach Grissom. And then he could take care of things. She thanked Jennifer for the information and left in the direction of the main stairs. She just wanted to go to their room and lay down for a bit. Before she left the area Jennifer called after her "Don't forget the get-together in the restaurant starts at 4 pm."

Catherine didn't bother to answer, but headed straight for the room. Now she was glad that she kept the room key in the morning instead of handing it off to Sara. She opened the door and entered the room. First off all she kicked her shoes off, then she went to the window and opened it, taking a deep breath of the fresh air as it entered the room. While absentmindedly looking out of the window she realized that she had a good view on the forest into which Sara vanished, but of course the brunette was nowhere to be seen.

Turning around she surveyed the room. After all, she didn't really had time to do that last night. To her delight Catherine finally spotted a mini bar in the corner of the room. A cool drink was exactly what she needed right now.

She hoped that there wasn't any alcohol in it. Otherwise she would have to dispose of it so Sara wouldn't even start thinking about drinking to forget what happened today. Fortunately she didn't have to do it, as there were just non-alcoholic drinks in the mini bar. Relieved she took a bottle of water and went to her suitcase, looking for her cell phone.

It seemed that Jennifer was right. There was no reception. Damn! So much for her plan of getting Grissom to help her. Maybe she could ask Jennifer for help. The girl seemed really friendly. But what should she do? With Albert being the boss here they didn't have much of a choice. Shaking her head, Catherine headed for the bed. She took a sip from her water and put it on the nightstand. Then she let herself fall on the bed.

What the hell was she supposed to do???


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Here is the next chapter. Saras point of view. Next chapter will be an insight in Catherines thoughts._

_ElGringoLoco: Oh believe me, it will get worse. Or let's put it like that: after the first major crisis is mastered there will be ups and downs, but if it helps - I'm one for happy endings  
IdiosyncraticEnigma: 4 1/2 hours might sound drastic, but I think if you first start talking then time goes by faster then you think. Happens to me all the time lol. Of course not in such unpleasant ways. Anyway - a day has 24 hours and I have to fill them somehow ;-). Glad you liked it anyway!  
LyannaStark: I'm not going to stop you. You can repeat yourself as much as you want lol. I'm really glad you like it  
PrincessMoonShadow: Just two little words - but they mean a lot! Thanks for reading!_**

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**Chapter 18**

She had to breathe. She had to take deep breaths. Her pulse was way too high. She needed to calm down before she started hyperventilating. Sara was mad – no … she was furious. That sick son of a bitch! Who did he think he was to talk to her like that?

She managed to stay calm during the rest of the session – more or less so anyways – but now she really needed to let her anger out before she exploded. The brunette was honestly afraid of what would happen then, what she would do.

Sure, she was never the violent type, but Sara knew she had it in herself. After all she carried her parents' genes as well as their blood - and by God: they were violent people. A thousand questions were running through her head. Was she really capable of being violent? Could she hurt someone else? What would have happened if Catherine hadn't let her go? Would she have hit her? Sara sighed. She wished she had answers to all those questions, but she didn't.

But right now all she needed was to be alone. She didn't want the company of her co-worker. Sara didn't want anymore talk about her past, no more pity. She just needed some space.

When she was a little child after she'd been beaten by her parents she would often sneak out of her window at night and would run off to the beach. The pier wasn't far away from her home and she often hid there, because no one ever came there. It was a dark place. Some called it uncanny, but Sara had always found the darkness calming. She couldn't see what was happening around her, because it was pitch black, but that also meant that no one was able to see her. It gave her a feeling of security.

Unfortunately one night she wasn't careful enough and her father noticed when she climbed out the window. He'd followed her to the pier. Afterwards she had a broken arm and a cracked rib. It was painful, but it didn't stop her from doing it again as soon as the cast came off. And now – thirty years later – she hadn't changed at all. She was still running away when things became too difficult to deal with.

Dr. Albert told her that she was carrying the same habits around like when she was a child. Despite all the bullshit that guy said, that was probably true. But that was the only true thing. He said that her flashback was a way of running away. She didn't agree with him on that. In her opinion running away meant running from a place where she didn't want to be to a place where she felt safe. And flashbacks into her violent past just didn't fit that description.

Dr. Albert used his theory to lead over to her time at the McKeatons' home – and Sara really had no interest at all in going there. But of course her opinion didn't matter.

_A few hours earlier:_

_Dr. Albert adjusted his glasses what seemed like the thousandth time. "Let's talk a bit more about your time at the McKeaton home." Sara unintentionally flinched. Those were probably the worst two years of her life. It was the time when the cutting started. _

_The psychologist re-read some of his notes and than looked back up at Sara. "When you read this you can only come to the conclusion that John and Helen must have been saints." Sara snorted. Saints? They were probably ministers of the devil, but she stayed silent. The brunette really didn't want to go into that so she figured if she just said 'yes' and 'amen' then the doctor would drop the topic soon._

"_You don't agree?" When Sara didn't answer Dr. Albert turned to Catherine. "Well, maybe you will agree. They gave up to five kids at a time a home. They were generous. They gave them shelter, food and the chance to start a new life. And even if one of their foster children rebelled they didn't give up. They sound like good people, don't they?"_

_Catherine glanced at Sara, something Dr. Albert didn't want. "I was asking that question. You don't need Sara's opinion or permission to answer. So look at me when you talk to me!" The blonde swallowed. No matter which answer she chose Catherine knew that she would anger Sara or Dr. Albert or in the worst case both. But she had to reply. "Well … from what you just said they sound okay, but I'm sure if Sara says …"_

_Before she managed to finish her sentence the psychologist spoke up. "That's what I wanted to hear. As a normal person you just have to realise that they were truly good people." He glared at Sara who just rolled her eyes. When the brunette got tired of his glare she just turned away to the window. The weather was still great outside. What would she give to be on the other side of that window? _

_Dr. Albert shook her head. Just because she ignored him didn't mean that he would stop. "What was your problem, Sara? Why did you run away from a place like that? Did all that love scare you?" _

_Love?! That man had no idea what love was – he obviously had a heart of stone. But what the McKeatons did definitely wasn't love – at least not the one a child should receive. She just wasn't going to tell him that. Maybe a half-lie would work. "I couldn't stand them." Her voice was cold._

"_You could have gone back to the orphanage. But you didn't do that either. I'm just curious why" Dr. Albert was digging for some answers – answers Sara refused to give him. So the brunette just smirked at him. "Well, I couldn't stand the people there either." _

_From the corner of her eye she saw Catherine looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Sara wondered what her co-worker was thinking right now – just out of curiosity, not that she really cared anymore. Sure, there where times when she was longed for Catherine's approval, but right now she couldn't care less._

_When it was clear that Sara wouldn't elaborate her answer, Dr. Albert continued. "Okay, let's associate the running away part with your anti-social tendencies. You didn't want to stay with people you 'can't stand'. But what I'm really curious about is if you always attack the people you can't stand with a knife."_

_Catherine gasped in shock. Sara did something like that? Was it really her temper or did those people do something to provoke such an extreme reaction? She turned to her co-worker, unable to hide her shock. _

_Sara kept her cool. She knew that she just acted in self-defence. The smirk from before appeared on her face again. "No, I don't. Because if I did, you would have a big problem." Attack was the best defence. Sara voice was icy and made Catherine shiver slightly. Even Dr. Albert looked somewhat shocked._

_The brunette smiled inwardly. This had a certain fun factor after all. When the psychologist regained his composure, he cleared his throat, but didn't drop the topic. "Then why did you do it?" Sara knew that he knew that she was hiding something. But there was no way in hell that she would tell him anything._

"_It was the right thing to do. I told him to stay away from me – and he wouldn't listen." Well, that wasn't even a lie. She really had told that bastard to stay away and stupid John was just laughing at her. He wasn't laughing anymore when the knife stuck in his thigh. _

_Dr. Albert shook his head. "You were aggressive then and you are now. Nothing has changed since then."_

Back to the present:

Again the doctor was wrong. A lot has changed since then. She wasn't that scared little girl anymore. Today she could defend herself – even against men who were bigger and stronger than her. Today she carried a gun and knew how to use it. She wasn't afraid of people anymore, but unfortunately she was still afraid of her past…

Sara shook her head and took a look around. Where the hell was she anyways? Where ever she looked there were just trees and she didn't really know which direction she'd come from or how long she had been walking. To hell with it! Right now she didn't want to go back anyway. She would figure out her way back later. After all she was a CSI. If she got lost she could still trace her footsteps back – or something like that.

Her mind wandered back to the session again. Dr. Albert had accused her of having 'inappropriate feelings' for her supervisor. She was somehow glad that he didn't accuse her of having an affair with Grissom … it probably wouldn't have mattered at all. Sara was just in the middle of her lying marathon, so she would have denied it without showing any hesitation.

What pissed her really off what that Albert also accused her of just wanting to sleep her way up in the ranks. That bastard even went so far to question her good marks at Harvard. Son of a bitch! Whatever Sara had achieved in her life, she'd worked really hard for it. She had to, because there was never anything that came her way easily.

Fortunately he didn't really delve deep into this topic, because Catherine had finally decided to make them aware of the fact that she was still in the room and spoke up. Well, she wasn't really defending Sara … more all women in general. Something along the lines of that there were a lot of hard working women out there who deserve the position they hold. Bad move from Catherine, because that prompted Dr. Albert to bring her past as a stripper up again. He had the guts to tell her that her point of view wasn't believable because of that. That made Catherine mad and they had a long discussion to which Sara wasn't really paying attention.

Later the blonde dropped a comment about that it can happen to have feelings for a co-worker. And they were okay, as long as you don't let them intervene with your job and as long as you don't act on them. Sara felt like she got slapped. Now it was final. She was never ever going to tell Catherine about her and Grissom. Never ever!

Sara sighed and plopped down on a stump. Why has life always been so unfair to her? Why could no one see just the CSI Sidle? They all saw the abused child, the Harvard graduate, the foster child or the woman without a social life. They just didn't understand. Yeah, that was part of her, too, but it didn't define her, right? She was stronger than that and she didn't need to be reminded of it all the time.

In her new life she would approach things differently. She wouldn't socialize with anyone. She would definitely not start any sort of relationship. She would just work…

Suddenly Sara had to laugh. She sounded more than just pathetic at the moment. Now she wasn't just running away anymore. No, she was planning her running away in great detail. It was just ridiculous.

Then she felt something wet on her cheek. She soon realised that it were her own tears. Great, now she was crying like a baby! She really wanted something sharp right now. She knew that it wasn't healthy, but to hell with it. Sara knew that she was self-destructive.

It started at the time she stayed with the McKeatons and since then it has always been part of her life. When things got totally out of hand she needed a relief and alcohol wasn't always helping – but cutting was. It wasn't really the blood she wanted to see – she was more doing it for the pain. The pain calmed her. She didn't know why. Probably because pain was everything she knew as a child. Pain was something concrete, something real. It helped her to keep both feet on the ground. To anyone else that would probably sound illogical, but to Sara it made sense.

That brought her to the one question she asked herself so often. Why was she so weak? She hated being weak. Desperately she screamed it into the woods. "WHY!?!?" Without thinking she jumped up from the stump and ran to the nearest tree, hitting it hard with her fist. She didn't feel the pain that was shooting through her hand. She just felt the weakness in her body.

Sara turned around and leaned with her back against the tree. Then she started to cry harder. She didn't now why or about what she was crying but she couldn't stop it. She felt totally drained. Exhausted she slid down to the ground. When she reached the ground she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself, slowly rocking back and forth.

Why was she born at all?

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_A/N: Reviews are welcomed!!!_


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N: As promised: Catherines point of view. I'll cut this short, cause I'm in a hurry. I just wanted to thank you for your reviews and ... well, enjoy the chapter!_

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Chapter 19

Sara wouldn't do anything stupid, right? Surely the brunette would walk in any minute and everything would be fine. That's what Catherine tried to tell herself over the past hour. Despite her intention to distract her mind from her troubled co-worker, her thoughts kept wandering back to her. In the last hour she'd managed to come up with every possible worst case scenario her mind could create. Everything scenario, from Sara killing Dr. Albert to Sara committing suicide in the forest, was covered.

After Catherine reached the suicide theory she jumped up from the bed and started pacing the small room - from the open window with the view of the forest to the door and back. Part of her knew she was exaggerating - unfortunately the other part was panicking.

Sara had a shitty life. A life that no one deserved. Everything she went through at such a young age was horrible and hard enough without bastards like Dr. Albert forcing her to re-live everything in great detail. His verbal attacks took their toll on her - Catherine actually believed that it somehow changed Sara. The longer they were in that room, the colder Sara's eyes became. In the beginning the brunette was obviously shocked by the bold psychologist, but the more he threw her way, the less it affected her. Her answers became short, kind of aggressive, provoking. She obviously wanted to distract Dr. Albert from his original plans.

Catherine couldn't be sure, but she thought that Sara succeeded. She'd been a CSI long enough to be able to read people. It seemed like Sara was hiding something - not that she could blame her. If she was in Sara's position, she would also try everything to protect her secrets. Dr. Albert definitely knew enough about her.

It was really fascinating how much that dear doctor knew about both of them. Who the hell gave him all that information? It couldn't just be Ecklie. Anyone would think that an assistant-lab director was too busy to spy on his employees. He had to get that information somewhere else. But from who? The guys definitely wouldn't do something like that. Since Nick's abduction and the reunion of the team they were a close family - even if Sara had distanced herself from everyone lately. But the guys wouldn't betray any of them like that. The CSIs from Ecklie's beloved day shift wouldn't know about such stuff. That leaves the lab techs. But who would gossip like that ... Hodges! Of course it had to be him. He always seemed close to Ecklie, kissing his ass. And Hodges was always good at spreading rumors. Catherine was sure that he would have been more than willing to help Ecklie if he was asked to. All right, now she knew at least whose ass she had to kick - or make the boys kick - when she got back to Vegas.

But right now Sara was her bigger problem. She'd kept her cool during the session but Catherine was sure that she was hurting badly inside. Even if she didn't like showing emotions, Sara was human after all and humans can be hurt. Something Dr. Albert demonstrated quite impressively.

Of course Catherine wanted to get to know Sara better. She hoped she might be able to draw another secret out of the brunette, but she never expected to learn that much. Of course it didn't help at all that Sara wasn't sharing any information voluntarily.

After the session, Catherine had come to the conclusion that Dr. Albert had two main goals for this seminar. The first one was to break Sara Sidle, the second one was to alienate her from everyone around - everyone would be Catherine at the moment. The psychologist was obviously hoping that the blonde would be so deterred by Sara's past so that she wouldn't stand behind her anymore. But that wasn't going to happen! She would stick by Sara. The brunette just had to allow it – that seemed to be the biggest problem at the moment.

Again Catherine prayed to what ever god was willing to listen, that Sara wouldn't do anything stupid. Looking at her watch the blonde cursed her own stupidity. Why did she have to tell her co-worker that she could stay away until five and then she would start looking for her? That meant two more hours of waiting 'til she was able to do anything. If she started now on her own, she would probably never find Sara. And if she organized a search operation, the brunette would probably be mad as hell if they found her.

If they were back home in Las Vegas, Catherine at least had an idea of where to look for Sara. Yeah, they were not very close and did not spend any time outside of work, but right now she would expect her to visit a bar and get totally wasted. The blonde was really glad that there was nothing around them for miles beside trees. No cities, no villages and definitely no bars. Probably the only place where someone would get something alcoholic would be the restaurant in the mansion and Catherine wasn't even sure if they sold stuff like that during that seminar.

Sara and alcohol was topic in itself. Catherine didn't know how serious the drinking problem of her co-worker was, but after today she was sure there was something to it.

_A few hours earlier:_

_Dr. Albert switched the topic again. "Let's talk about your DUI, Sara. Another incident that proved your irresponsibility." A delicate topic as it appeared._

_"I didn't get a DUI!" Sara clarified immediately._

_The psychologist smiled. This was obviously a topic that managed to get under the brunette's skin. Good to know. "Okay, let me correct my statement. You were lucky that you didn't get one that night. Fortune favors fools." The last part was just muttered but both Catherine and Sara heard him clearly._

_Sara clenched her teeth. She wouldn't let him get away with that. "For your information, Dr. Albert, it wasn't luck but the decision from the city council to lower the limit." When Albert just snorted, the brunette continued. "I know that it was reckless to drive that night. I underestimated the amount of alcohol I drank. That's nothing we have to talk about. I know it was a mistake and I paid for it. End of story." _

_Catherine was more than happy to hear that. As long as she knew that she made a big mistake - that was a beginning. Acknowledgment was the first step to improvement. Maybe all those rumors about Sara and alcohol were just that - rumors._

_However, for Dr. Albert this wasn't the end of the story. "Well, it's at least something that you admit that you made a big big mistake that night. But lets not talk about the time when you get caught drinking. I'm more interested in the times you didn't get caught."_

_No one could dictate what she could or could not do in her free time! And there was no way that she would let Albert talk her into it. "So you mean the time when I'm off shift? Well, then I drink a beer every now and then. But I have never been drunk on the job - and I never will! And what I do at home is no ones business but mine!" She emphasized every word. For God's sake, why did everyone think that she was an alcoholic? She never showed up drunk for work. Never! That would be against everything she believed in. _

_Dr. Albert shook his head. Obviously he had a different opinion about that. "And that is the point where you're wrong. To booze your brain out of your head every night has a certain influence on your job - and so has an addiction!"_

_He wasn't really saying that, was he? How could he dare? SHE DIDN'T HAVE AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM AND SHE WASN'T ADDICTED TO ANYTHING! Why could no one see that? _

_And no - she wasn't living in denial either! Sara was about to give him a piece of her mind loud and clear but stopped herself. That would be exactly what he wanted - she wasn't giving him that satisfaction. So instead of shouting, she answered in a calm tone. "I have no idea where you get that idea that I'm addicted to alcohol. I won't deny that I drink a beer every now and then when I'm off duty." She definitely wasn't going to tell him about the nights when she drank herself to unconsciousness because she couldn't take it anymore. "But that's no crime. Everyone does that. You have nothing to support your lame accusations. If I'd shown up to work drunk, Ecklie would have been the first to take a blood alcohol test and fire me on the same day. I never did such a thing. So just drop the topic." _

_Dr. Albert's face dropped dramatically at this. That wasn't what he expected. He thought he could get under her skin. Sara Sidle was obviously very good at burying her feelings if she wanted to. Too bad for him. After all it seemed that at least Catherine thought there might be something true about his words. At least her body language indicated it. It looked like the brunette was dropping more and more in Catherine's eyes. _

_That was at least something. But fortunately there were other topics to approach left. "If you say so. But let's move on to ..."_

Back to the present:

Catherine sighed. That part of their conversation - if you could call it that - made her think. Yesterday on the plane she told herself she would talk to Sara about the alcohol part. But now she doubted that the brunette would talk to her about anything.

Catherine was mad at herself for not supporting Sara during that part. She could have told Albert that Sara never showed up drunk for work. That she never drank on the job. That she was a professional CSI. But somehow the words didn't come out. She had to admit that she was probably waiting for Sara to admit something like that. That thought alone made her feel even guiltier.

But then again, what would it have changed if she'd supported Sara. It would have just ended in Catherine being shot down too, but it wouldn't have really helped Sara. That was the way that session worked. Another good example of that was the part of the session when Albert brought Eddie's case up. Catherine feared that something like that would happen. Of course she knew that Sara didn't to anything wrong then - and the harsh words she said to her during that case just happened because she was angry.

When Dr. Albert returned to the issue that Sara wasn't suited for job. Sara wanted to defend herself saying that she was a good CSI. At that time Catherine thought that the psychologist probably had a senior moment because they'd already covered that part. As soon as he said something along the lines of 'but you weren't good enough to solve the murder of Eddie Willows' her stomach turned. That wasn't fair. Okay, nothing here was fair, but he couldn't tell her something like that – in the end she would really believe it! Catherine knew that Sara beat herself up enough for not being able to solve the case. She knew that she worked hard on it - probably harder than anyone else would have. Maybe she'd hesitated before, but at that point she knew she had to defend Sara no matter what - she owed it to her.

Catherine took a quick glance at Sara. The brunette looked like someone just slapped her. The young brunette was obviously not yet over the fact that she couldn't bring closure to Catherine and Lindsey. Before Sara could say something, Catherine spoke up and told Dr. Albert that this wasn't Sara fault. But instead of just accepting that, the psychologist suddenly attacked the blonde.

Before Catherine knew what was happening Dr. Albert threw at her what a bad mother she was, that she wasn't spending enough time with Lindsey and that she was obviously neglecting her daughter, because there was even a child negligence suit filed against her once. That knocked the wind out of Catherine's sails. She didn't know what to say or how to defend herself, because that was exactly what she told herself so often when she was at work. That wasn't one of Albert's lies. It was the sad truth. And with that she totally forgot about defending Sara. She was trapped in her own worries and her own mistakes, not even realizing that Albert turned to Sara again.

Some friend she was. She had to make it up to Sara. She had to get rid off Albert. And if she couldn't get a hold of Grissom and she had to do it herself. She had to talk to rest of the staff and the other participants and find out if someone was willing to help her. She just refused to believe that all psychologists here were that aggressive. She would do that for herself and, above all, for Sara. The brunette just had to come back.

Catherine stopped her pacing and looked out of the window and to the spot where Sara vanished into the forest. "Oh Sara, please come back."


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: Sorry for the late update, but the week was really busy. I had a lot to do at work and college started again. Anyway , chapter 20 is done. _

_Thank you all for your reviews! You guys are really great!_

_sarah: Believe it or not, I'm more than happy that they don't have the same hair color :-)! I'm trying to to alternate with the words, but obviously I'm not really successful so far. Maybe you can help me out. What words would you use instead of Catherine? Blonde, older woman / CSI, maybe shorter woman / CSI, ... well, I fear I'm not really creative :-( Any suggestions?_

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Chapter 20

For the thousandth time Catherine checked her watch. It was shortly before 5 pm. To say that she was worried as hell was an understatement. What if Sara really had done something stupid? They boys would never forgive her that she didn't go looking for her sooner. Her family would never forgive her ... okay, forget her family. They probably don't care at all about Sara.

Catherine had been staring at the spot where Sara vanished into the forest for God knows how long. Again she looked at her watch. Still nine minutes till 5. All right, maybe she'd told her co-worker that she would start a search operation if she wasn't back by five, but to hell with those nine minutes.

She put on a pair of more comfortable shoes than she'd wore in the morning. Who knew where she had to go or how fast she had to run? Catherine quickly locked the door behind her and ran down the stairs and through the reception area outside. The people she passed on her way looked at her like she had gone crazy. But at the moment, the blonde couldn't care less. As soon as Catherine was through the door she ran in the direction of the forest, determined to find Sara, where ever she was.

Also in front of the mansion, was 'T', the guy who'd picked the two CSIs up from the airport. He was busy paving the way to the mansion. Sometimes it sucked to be a handyman! From the corner of his eyes he saw a movement. First he thought his mind played tricks on him but then he heard the footsteps of someone running. He turned around in time see no one other than Catherine Willows from the Las Vegas crime lab sprinting into the direction of the forest surrounding the property. She didn't look like she wanted to go jogging - more like she was running away from something. Maybe he could help. "Where's the fire, Mrs. Willows?" He shouted after her, then adding with a smile. "If you really want to leave this place I can drive you."

Catherine slowed down when she heard the voice of their driver. She wasn't in the mood for his humor, but maybe he could help her after all. She turned around. "I'm looking for my co-worker. She went...for a walk a few hours ago and she promised she would be back at five. I'm really worried. I wanted to go looking for her."

'T' looked at her surprised. Those two really were a strange pair. "Well, you can calm down then."

Now it was Catherine's turn to look surprised. What did he mean by that? Quickly she jogged up to him. "What do you mean? Did you see her?"

A smile appeared on 'Ts' face. He checked his watch and answered. "Yep, about fifteen minutes ago she was sitting at the bar."

Catherine's eyes went wide in shock. Bar? Shit! Shit! Shit! Without hesitating she started to run back towards the mansion. As she reached the door, she stopped and turned around. The blonde sent 'T' a smile and shouted a 'Thank you', before turning around again and ripping the door open.

T shook his head. Were all the people in Vegas that weird??

While heading for the restaurant a thousand thoughts crossed her mind. Was Sara okay? When did she come back? How did she come back without Catherine noticing her? Was she in the bar to order a drink? Did she drink? Was she drunk? Was she still at the bar?

When Catherine reached the restaurant, she stopped at the door. The place was totally crowded. Where did all these people come from? Damn! The get together had started about an hour ago. Her eyes darted around the room. The blonde tried to catch a glance at the bar, but there were too many people standing in her line of sight. Slowly she made her way through the people, who were chatting happily with each other, all seeming more or less relaxed.

When Catherine finally reached the bar, she started looking for Sara again. At first she thought her co-worker had already left again, but then she saw a slumped figure at the far end of the bar. That was definitely Sara. Beside the brunette sat a man, about her age, talking vividly - even if it didn't look like Sara was listening. She seemed more interested in the drink before her - and the form of the glass indicated that she wasn't drinking water. Catherine maneuvered her way through the crowd, finally reaching her co-worker.

The blonde took in the sight before her. Sara sat on the last chair of the bar. On the first look she looked okay, but her eyes were blank, which wasn't a good sign. The brunette also didn't react at all to the guy beside her, who was obviously talking about his job as a cop. Catherine gasped when her eyes fell on Sara right hand.

There was blood on it and it looked bruised, maybe it was even broken. Without a second thought she pulled the guy from his chair, announcing that this was her chair. When the man wanted to object she shot him a death glare. That silenced him immediately. He muttered a few not so nice things, but left anyway.

Catherine took a deep breath and sat down beside Sara, but the younger woman didn't give any indication that she was aware of Catherine's presence. The blonde took a look at her co-workers hand. It was dirty – as though what ever happened had happened outside.

Sara looked lost. Catherine had to suppress the urge to put her arm around the younger woman's shoulders. Close physical contact might not be something Sara would appreciate right now. Instead she tried to make herself noticed. "Sara?" Her tone was soft, warm, and quiet, but it didn't seem to have reached the brunette.

Not knowing what else to do, Catherine reached for Sara's hand. However, she was stopped midway by an almost silent "Don't." The blonde sighed and dropped her hand. At least Sara knew she was here. She had so many questions right now, but she knew that she had to choose them carefully or she would risk that Sara would shut her out again. And that was something she couldn't risk. "So ... How long have you been back?" Maybe she could estimate how much she already drank without asking directly.

When Sara took a sip from her drink, the smell of the glass reached Catherine's nose. Vodka! Damn!

After putting the glass back down Sara shrugged her shoulders. "For a little while now."

Catherine nodded. That wasn't exactly precise, but at least the brunette was talking. "What happened to your hand?"

Sara turned her head to the blonde, looking at her as though she had no idea what Catherine was talking about - and she probably didn't. Catherine elaborated for her. "It's bleeding and bruised." Slowly Sara looked at her hand, observing it like she was seeing it for the first time. After a half minute she finally shrugged her shoulders. "It's no big deal."

Well, that wasn't exactly an explanation. Catherine waited a bit more, hoping that Sara was just collecting her thoughts and would answer soon. But after a good minute the blonde figured she wouldn't get an answer, so she spoke up again. "We should clean it and bandage it."

Sara took another sip and looked at her right hand again. Then she shook slowly her head. "It's no big deal."

Catherine sighed. They had covered that already. The blonde didn't know how to read Sara's behavior. Was she drunk or in shock? What ever it was, she was definitely behaving strangely. She couldn't let Dr. Albert see her like that. That bastard was probably running around here somewhere. It seemed safer to go up to their room. All she had to do was convince Sara to come along. "Look, why don't we go to our room and clean your hand?"

Sara shook her head. "I want to stay."

Catherine figured that this would challenge all her persuasion skills. "Let's make a deal. We go upstairs. I take care of your hand and then we can come back down here." The blonde had no interest at all to bring Sara back to the alcohol but right now she needed to convince her to come upstairs.

The brunette looked up to Catherine. The anger from a few hours ago was gone. She looked lost, like a little child. It looked like she was thinking hard about the blonde's suggestion. After a minute of silence Catherine was already looking for a new way to get her upstairs.

"Okay."

Catherine blinked. Okay? Did she just say okay? Okay. The blonde stood up quickly, hoping that Sara wouldn't change her mind. Obviously she didn't because she rose slowly. The younger CSI seemed to have a few coordination problems, indicating the amount of alcohol she already consumed. Fortunately she didn't fall.

Catherine wanted to ask her if she needed help, but Sara just started to walk away, making her way through the people. The blonde shook her head and followed her.

When they had left the restaurant, Sara stopped and took a deep breath. Catherine was immediately at her side, hoping that she wouldn't be sick or something like that. She grabbed her arm in order to steady her, but like during the session, the brunette yanked her arm away as though Catherine's touch burned her. Whereas Sara looked shocked, the blonde felt hurt by the rejection.

They looked at each other, each woman obviously unsure what to do next. After a few seconds Sara started blink, like trying to clear the fog that occupied her mind. Then her eyes wandered from Catherine to the restaurant to the stairs and back to Catherine. "Uh ... I'll just wash may hand and then I'll go back inside." With that the brunette headed in the directions of the bathroom she'd used in the morning.

Catherine wasn't expecting that. One minute Sara was complying, the next she was on the run again. To say that this behavior confused the blonde was an understatement. She couldn't let her walk away - and back into the bar. Maybe, if they were far enough away Sara would forget that she wanted to go back down here.

Immediately she stood in front of her co-worker, effectively blocking the brunette's way to the bathrooms. "I really think we should disinfect it." Catherine saw that Sara was about to object so she went on. "Look, let's just get upstairs. Let me fix that and then we can come back down here. Please??"

Sara thought about it. The fog in her mind was gone and right now she really didn't want to be alone with Catherine. But she also doubted that the blonde would let her stay down here and at the moment she didn't feel fit enough to fight with her. She wanted another drink to calm her nerves. And the easiest way to get that was by accompanying her co-worker upstairs. If Catherine wanted to play the caring mother - fine. But she definitely was not going to have another heart-to-heart talk with her. With a sigh she answered. "Let's go."

Catherine couldn't help but smile. 1:0 Willows.

They walked to their room in silence, each women lost in her own thoughts.

Sara knew that drinking wasn't a very smart idea right now and that she'd worried Catherine with her behavior all day, but she couldn't help it. After her mini breakdown in the forest she'd spent another hour just listening to the birds. Then she walked back to the mansion. To her own surprise she managed to find it quite well, even if she reached the mansion from the backside and not from the front, but who cared. As soon as she reached the building she headed for the restaurant and ordered a drink. God, it tasted good! Sara knew she would need a few more drinks if she wanted survive the night. Her co-worker wouldn't understand that, but there was no way that she would stop her.

Catherine was wondering what she should do now. Sara obviously wanted to go back down and have another drink - or two - or three! She just couldn't allow that. Not because she feared Dr. Albert or for her job, but because she worried about her co-worker. The brunette should take a hot shower, lie down and rest, probably even let Catherine comfort her - and they should talk! Nothing deep - she definitely didn't need anymore details about Sara's past - but the younger woman needed to know how Catherine felt about all that and that she was still supporting her.

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_A/N: I don't knnow how fast I can update, but I'll do my best ;-) Let me know what you think!_


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: In order to not kill ACertainJustice I sat down this weekend and wrote a few new lines for my story ;-)_

_sarah: Don't worry. I really appreaciated your comment. Feel free to tell me whatever is on your mind. This is my first fanfiction and I'm sure there are some points I could improve so never hesitate to point them out. If it helps: I'm thinking a lot longer about which words to use to describe Cath and Sara now. I have no idea if that will really change anything in my story - but I'm thinking longer thanks to you ;-)  
GreenAlpaca: I see, it's obviously difficult to argue with you. You seem to have good arguments 'lol'. Well, I'm pretty sure this isn't turning into slash, but maybe the universe will explode in the end. You never know:-D_

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**Chapter 21**

When they reached their room, Catherine wordlessly opened the door and went straight for the bathroom. She grabbed the first-aid-kit and a towel which she dampened.

Sara slowly followed her into the room and closed the door behind her. She moved to the bed and sat down.

Before returning to the room, Catherine stopped at the door and took her time to look at her younger co-worker. The brunette looked angry again, the shock or daze in which she had been before obviously gone. Once again the blonde was unsure how to handle the situation. Somehow she had to talk Sara into staying in the room. She knew that the brunette had already had enough alcohol. The more she drank the worse the situation would get - and she couldn't allow that.

Catherine sighed and went to the bed to sit down beside Sara. "Let me see your hand."

Sara thought about snapping at the blonde and saying that she could do it herself, but the truth was that she would probably fail because her right hand was useless and she wasn't very talented with her left one. So Sara wordlessly gave Catherine her hand without even looking at her.

Catherine shook her head at Sara's behavior. Sometimes she behaved like a defiant little child. She took the offered hand and placed it in her lap to examine it. The knuckles were bloody, the back of the hand bruised, even a bit swollen and there was dirt everywhere. "Can you move your hand?"

"Sure." Sara became more and more aware of the pain that was shooting through her whole hand and forearm, but she wasn't going to admit that.

"Could you make a fist for me and open it again?" That earned the older CSI a glare, but she was having none of it. She glared back at Sara, making clear that there was no space for arguments right now.

Finally the brunette gave in and started to move her fingers - at least she tried. Unfortunately she was hardly able to move a finger, let alone to make a fist. Sara, being Sara, didn't want to show weakness, so she gritted her teeth and did it anyway.

But Catherine sensed her pain and stopped her. "Okay, that's enough. Let's clean it first." With that the older CSI grabbed the wet towel and started to clean the hand carefully, like she had done it so often with Lindsey. She knew that this would hurt, but to her surprise Sara hardly flinched. A sad thought crossed Catherine's mind. The brunette had probably gotten into trouble when she whined or winced as a child.

The silence stretched between them, something Sara was glad for on the contrary to Catherine, who felt really uncomfortable. Finally the blonde couldn't take it anymore. "You wanna tell me what happened?" Came the hesitant question.

Sara sighed. Could that woman ever stop asking questions? The talent to stay silent when questions were inappropriate was obviously one Catherine didn't possess. The younger woman thought for a moment what she wanted to tell her. "I had a run-in with a tree." It was true after all. The unimportant part about that run-in being intentional was left out.

Catherine raised an eyebrow, not really believing Sara, but she didn't ask any questions. She had a good idea of what happened. And she felt kind of glad that it was a tree that had to deal with Sara's anger and not herself.

After the blonde had cleaned the hand, she put some disinfectant on the open knuckles. Again Sara didn't even flinch. Then Catherine inspected the hand again. She had to find out how much damage her co-worker had done to herself. Slowly she bent Sara's fingers. "Does that hurt?"

It did, but again Sara's pride got the best of her. "No."

Catherine looked at her unconvinced. She hated it when Sara had to be so stubborn. Angrily she bent the fingers a bit more.

"Ouch!!!" Sara ripped her hand away from her co-worker and glared at her.

The blonde couldn't help but role her eyes. This was just childish. "Don't always be so stubborn! Just admit it when it hurts! It's not like I'll think any less of you then!" She started to rummage through the first-aid-kit again. Finally Catherine found what she was looking for: a cream and a bandage. Sara was still glaring at her, but this time the blonde answered her glare with one of her own. "Give me your hand."

After a minute long staring match Sara finally gave in and laid her hand back in Catherine's lap. The blonde smiled: 2:0 Willows. She carefully applied the cream on the back of Sara's hand as well as on her fingers and her wrist. Then she carefully wrapped the bandage around it. Last she secured the bandage with a tape. Satisfied with her work she stood up and packed the kit.

Catherine took a glance at Sara and she knew that she had to choose her following words carefully. "Look, Sara. I know you don't want to talk anymore, but just do me the favor and listen to what I have to say."

That prompted the brunette to get up too, with anger burning in her eyes. "Catherine, just drop it. I'm not in the mood!" And before the blonde managed to interrupt, Sara went on. "And now I'm going back downstairs. Don't wait up for me." With that she walked to the door, leaving behind a very stunned Catherine.

Wow! What just happened? A minute ago she felt like she had everything under control and now Sara had just overrun her. But she wouldn't be Catherine Willows if she just gave up now and let her co-worker win.

But Catherine's patience had limits too! She had tried to be understanding and contained but Sara had to cooperate at least a little bit. "And you think alcohol is the solution for our problems?!"

Sara stopped dead in tracks, turned around and glared at her, her eyes cold as ice. "They are MY problems and maybe alcohol is no solution, but at least it's a diversion and that's exactly what I need right now." With that she turned on the heel and slammed the door shut behind her.

Catherine flopped back down on the bed, defeated. It looked like Sara just managed to gain the lead. Somehow it looked like a 3:2 for Sidle now. Damn! The blonde had no idea how she did that, but she wasn't getting away with it. Quickly she put the first-aid-kit away and hurried after Sara. If her co-worker wanted to drink then she wouldn't do it without supervision.

Sara couldn't run away forever. They were sharing a room after all. And the brunette couldn't change that, because there were no other rooms left and she also couldn't image that Sara would stay the night with some man - or two - considering the sleeping arrangements of all participants.

When Catherine entered the restaurant again, she tried to make out Sara's form. After checking the bar she came to the conclusion that her smart-ass-co-worker was hiding from her - effectively. Determined to change that, she checked every table in the restaurant, only to run into Jennifer.

"Oh, hey Mrs. Willows!" Catherine forced a polite smile on her face. "Please, just call me Catherine." Jennifer was standing at one of the large windows talking with a woman who seemed to be in her mid thirties. She had long black hair and was a bit taller than Catherine herself.

Jennifer smiled back at her, obviously unaware of the blonde's tense body language. "Okay, Catherine. This is Alex." The girl introduced the woman beside her, but before she managed to say anything else, Catherine jumped in. "You didn't happen to have seen Sara, my co-worker?"

Jennifer thought about it for a second, then she answered. "Yeah, I did. What happened to her hand?"

Catherine swallowed nervously. What was she supposed to say? That Sara decided to have a boxing match with an innocent tree? That wasn't a good idea. "She tripped and stopped her fall with her hand." Great lie, Catherine! "It was a bit swollen, so I bandaged it."

The girl looked like she wanted to ask more questions, but the blonde definitely didn't have time for that. She needed to find Sara before the brunette could do something stupid. "Do you know where she is now?"

That time the Alex-woman spoke up. "I think your co-worker went outside with her drink. They put a few tables out there, so the people can enjoy the good weather before the big storm comes, which is predicted for the end of the week."

That was all Catherine needed to know. She thanked them and left for the patio of the restaurant.

It was already dark outside when Catherine stepped on the patio. Her trained eyes moved over the area to take in her surroundings. On the contrary to this morning, there were three tables put up. They were all occupied with participants of the seminar, mansion staff and psychologists, but Sara was nowhere to be seen.

Catherine's eyes darted around. Where the hell could she be? Maybe Jennifer and that Alex were wrong and she wasn't out here. On the other hand ... maybe Sara went into the park. Well, it wasn't very smart to go in a park with a big lake when you are drunk and it is dark! The blonde saw enough tragic accidents in the line of duty and she didn't need a drowned co-worker on top of that. So she decided to check the park before going back inside. If Sara wanted to play hide and seek - fine with her.

At the end of the patio, shortly before she reached the gravel walk which lead through the park, she saw a movement in the dark to her right. She turned around, squinting her eyes, trying to decipher what it was. After her eyes finally adjusted to the darkness she managed to make out a lonely figure who sat on the ground. Catherine couldn't make out a face from her position but the chances were good that it was Sara. Carefully she moved closer.

A few feet away the blonde stopped. She still wasn't 100 sure if it was her co-worker, because the person had her head down, making it impossible to see her face. Catherine thought she hadn't been noticed yet, but she was proved wrong. "Don't you have someone else you can bother?" Well, at least it was Sara, even if she didn't seem very happy to see Catherine. The brunette sounded annoyed.

The older CSI took a deep breath. She had to stay calm. "Can I sit?"

Sara answered without looking up from the spot on the ground in front of her at which she was staring. "It's not like a 'no' would have any effect on you, would it?"

Catherine rolled her eyes, but sat down silently beside her co-worker.

Now what?

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_A/N: Well, you know how much I love your opinions, so please review! The next chapter should be up soon, leading us to another restless night._


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Here's the new chapter. Enjoy reading_**

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**Chapter 22**

"Don't touch me! I can walk on my own." Sara sounded as confident as always, but her swaying betrayed her.

Catherine rolled her eyes. She was angry with her younger co-worker, really angry.

It was now about three hours ago that the blonde had bandaged Sara's hand. After she found her outside, Catherine tried to talk to her, but the brunette just ignored her. The older CSI tried everything to make Sara stop drinking. An hour of unavailing trying and another one of Sara's outbursts later, she finally gave up. The only chance to get Sara away from the alcohol would have been by pulling her upstairs against her will and considering that the brunette was the stronger one of them, Catherine most likely wouldn't get far. And above all, it would probably get them into trouble if they made a scene like that.

So Catherine switched back to her original plan. She decided that if she couldn't convince Sara to come upstairs, she would at least not leave her side. The brunette first smirked when Catherine told her that she'd given up trying to get her upstairs, but started to get really pissed when she announced that she would supervise her to make sure she didn't do anything stupid. Obviously Sara had hoped that the older CSI would leave her alone.

After a few more minutes, Sara finally decided that she couldn't care less if Catherine was watching her or not. She demonstrated that by getting herself another drink and going right back to ignoring the blonde.

After another two hours and a few desperate monologues from Catherine, Sara finally had enough and now here they were walking to their room. At least the blonde was walking. The younger CSI alternated between stumbling and swaying, but of course she wouldn't allow Catherine to support her.

Sara's stubbornness really pissed her off. Catherine was exhausted. One drink to calm her nerves after that day sounded really good, but – NO – she had to play babysitter for her co-worker who tried to booze her brains out. Obviously really successful, because Sara just managed to grab the stair-rail right before flying back down the stairs.

The blonde shook her head. That time she definitely wasn't going to offer any help. Catherine had tried everything. She had offered everything, but Sara just refused to accept any help or advice. Right now, all the older woman wanted was to sleep. Maybe tomorrow her patience would be recharged – but right now it was gone. All she had left was a sarcastic "Are you coming?"

Sara glared at her – at least she tried. Everything was blurry. It seemed like a thick fog had settled in her mind. The advantage was that all the nice memories Albert had called back were now just an unimportant background noise. The disadvantage was that it also influenced her ability to walk.

When Catherine had showed up outside, Sara didn't know what to expect from her. After her little show upstairs, she expected her to be aggressive, commanding even, but the blonde was surprisingly composed. She tried to talk Sara calmly into going upstairs again, but the younger woman really needed something to erase all the thoughts that were swirling through her mind.

To Sara's surprise, Catherine gave up after some time. Unfortunately however she didn't leave her alone. No, she decided to stay and play supervisor. The brunette wasn't happy about that, but accepted it after a while, because like everything else Catherine vanished more and more into the background. God bless alcohol!

Despite the situation Sara knew that passing out drunk somewhere or puking all over the place wasn't a good idea, so she finally decided to stop drinking. Catherine should have been proud of her, but unfortunately she wasn't. She seemed to be pissed – not that Sara really cared right now.

Her dear co-worker could play the offended card as much as she wanted, it really didn't bother her. Sara wanted to sleep and dream of absolutely nothing. That would be really nice for a change. But for that she had to get upstairs. Sara took a deep breath, gripped the stairs-rail hard and climbed the rest of the stairs. When she finally reached the top, the brunette stepped into the corridor leading to their room – at least she hoped that it was the right corridor, because she really didn't feel like climbing more stairs.

And where was her lovely want-to-be-friend? To her right, Sara spotted Catherine yanking open a door and vanishing in a room – most likely their room. Well, at least she was on the right floor. Slowly she trotted to the still open door and went inside. The younger woman looked around, but Catherine was nowhere to be seen.

Sara frowned. She walked into the right room, right? The brunette turned around and checked the door again. After a few unsuccessful attempts to focus on the number on the door she finally succeeded: 218. Well, that sounded like the correct number and the suitcase in the corner looked like her own.

If Catherine wanted to play hide and seek with her, she could do it alone. Sara closed the door and walked over to the bed, trying hard not to stumble over her own feet before flopping down on the smooth mattress. Then she heard water from the bathroom. Ahhh, there Catherine was. Her co-worker was obviously getting ready for bed.

Bed …wasn't there a problem? Something she should remember? Think, Sara! Oh, right … they were sharing that bed. There was no way in hell that Sara would do that tonight. Unfortunately that meant that she had to get up again. Slowly she rose to her feet. She took a deep breath to suppress the feeling of nausea that came over her. The brunette really didn't want to be sick right now. Fortunately for her it worked.

So, where could she sleep? Her dazed eyes wandered around the room. Couch! Right, there was a couch. Perfect! Ungracefully Sara stumbled over to the couch and slumped down on it. It was a bit small, but she really didn't care. She closed her eyes and tried to find a comfortable position. In less than a minute she drifted off to sleep.

A few minutes later Catherine yanked the bathroom door open. She was still pissed at Sara. Hopefully her co-worker had at least managed to get into the room and didn't hurt herself on the way. Great conscience! Now she was worried again. But she didn't want to be worried. She wanted to be mad with Sara!

The first thing the blonde noticed was the closed door, so obviously Sara made it back in here. But her younger co-worker wasn't on the bed … so where was she? Catherine looked around, ready to wander off to look for Sara, when she saw her curled up on the couch.

Slowly she walked over to her. Sara's breath was even, indicating that she was asleep. He face was relaxed. Catherine took a moment to study her. Like that she looked so young and innocent, no signs of what she had been through in her life. The blonde sighed and shook her head sadly. Sara was right. Catherine would probably never look at her the same way she had before. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, was it?

After a few more minutes of silently watching her co-worker, Catherine decided to get some sleep too. Maybe it was better that they slept separated tonight. The blonde wasn't really fond of the smell of vodka in her bed. And tomorrow was a new day and – hopefully – a better one. Catherine was about to turn away, when she noticed that Sara was shivering. A part of her wanted to let her suffer a bit for her stupid behavior, but the other part felt sympathy for the young woman, so she started to look for a cover. In the nightstand she finally found one. She grabbed it and carefully put it over Sara's shivering body. When Catherine was sure that the brunette was tucked in safely, she switched off the light and climbed into bed.

What a day!


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: Well, here we go again. I'm not really happy with that chapter. I had the scene in my head, but I just didn't find the right words to write it down. I tried to re-write it a few times, but I'm still not satisfied. But make your own opinion._**

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Chapter 23

A strange sound reached her ears. Catherine slowly opened her eyes. She waited a few minutes but was only met with silence. Probably just some animal outside. The blonde turned on her side and closed her eyes again.

There it was again. A soft whimper. Catherine sat up. What could that be? Right. Sara. Her eyes fell on her co-worker who was still curled up on the small couch. On first look she seemed to be deep asleep. Then her body twitched and there was that whimper again. Oh, great! Not another nightmare! One should think that Sara drank enough to erase every rational thought from her mind. Another quiet whimper confirmed that that obviously wasn't the case.

Catherine sighed. What was she supposed to do now? Well, she'd managed to calm Sara down last night. Maybe it would work now, too. The blonde hoped that Sara's subconscious mind would accept the comfort the rest of her was refusing.

Slowly she got out of bed and walked over to the couch. The room was dark, but the moon provided enough light to make out the outline of the room. When Catherine reached the couch she noticed that Sara was shivering. Silently she knelt down beside her co-worker. "Sara?" Her voice was quiet as to not scare Sara. The only reply she got was a strangled cry from the brunette.

Sara's back was still turned to her, so she couldn't see her face from that position. Carefully Catherine leaned over Sara, placing on hand on the couch to support her weight and the other tentatively on the brunettes shoulder.

Sara's body immediately tensed. Catherine thought about removing her hand again, but opted for a more physical approach. She started to slowly rub Sara's arm and whisper comforting words in her ear. On the contrary to last night, her actions didn't have the same calming effect.

The brunette started to move around more, at least as much as the couch allowed her to, and the whimpers became more frequent. The session today obviously triggered at lot of deep buried feelings and memories – not that this was a big surprise. Catherine had actually expected it.

Sara probably did, too. It was most likely the reason she drank. To just block everything out.

Catherine checked her watch which was still on her wrist. It was almost three in the morning. Sara's plan had worked for quite some time, but the befuddling effect of the alcohol seemed to have lost its effect and all the horrible memories were coming back. And the blonde had to admit that Sara had quite a collection of those to choose from.

Sara's raspy voice brought her out of her musings. "Go away." At first Catherine thought that the brunette just wanted to be alone, but after a few seconds she realized that Sara was still trapped in her nightmare.

The older CSI leaned over the sleeping form again, that time stroking Sara's hair like she did last night and again whispering soothing words. But that didn't help to calm Sara at all. The brunette tried to turn away from the touch. "Please, don't touch me" came the quiet plea.

Of course Catherine was not one to give up easily. She also didn't believe that going away would make the nightmare stop, so she held the contact. "It's okay, Sara. No one will hurt you." At that Sara turned around on the couch, still caught in the nightmare. The young woman curled up in a ball to protect herself from Catherine's touch.

This time the blonde reached for Sara's face and carefully touched her sweaty cheek. "It's okay, Honey. Hushhh." But again, Catherine's action had the opposite effect. Sara's movements became more violent. She tried to push her away with all her strength "No … not tonight …" Sara's voice sounded panicked.

Catherine sighed. This obviously wasn't doing any good. She had to wake her up before her nightmare got even worse. "Wake up, Sara." With that the blonde touched Sara's shoulders and started to shake her gently.

But Sara still didn't wake up. Instead she mumbled a desperate "Please, John".

Catherine frowned. John? Who was John? Was that her father's name? No, that was Robert if she remembered correctly. But the name John had also been in play today… but when? The blonde started to shake Sara harder. This had to end – now!

Unfortunately Sara's defensive actions also became harder that time. Catherine managed to duck just before Sara's fist would have connected with her jaw. The brunettes raw voice cut through the silent room again "I don't want to tonight!"

The blonde looked shocked at the younger woman. What the hell was she dreaming about?!? "Sara, wake up!" That time Catherine's voice was louder, but it just made Sara twist and whimper more and before she managed to react, Sara's fist connected with her shoulder blade with such an unexpected force that it knocked Catherine backwards.

Okay, this was definitely getting out of hand! Sara was still mumbling "Don'ts" and "Stops". Quickly Catherine got up again and grabbed Sara's arms, this time shaking her as strong as she could. The whole situation was scaring the hell out of her. "Sara! For God's sake, WAKE UP!" That was probably loud enough to be heard at the other end of the corridor, but Catherine couldn't care less right now. At least she got through to Sara.

Sara sat up with a start, sweat dripping from her face, shaking hard. Catherine sighed, relieved. Finally! But when she reached again for Sara's hand, the brunette totally freaked. Before the older woman knew what was happening, Sara pushed her roughly away and jumped up from the couch, a look of pure horror on her face. The moment Sara's feet touched the ground she lost her balance and fell hard.

"Sara!" Catherine tried to come over her initial shock and get to her feet to check on Sara. Her own landing wasn't exactly smooth, but Sara's seemed really painful. But the blonde didn't get very far.

Sara scrambled awkwardly to her hands and knees, obviously not aware of her surroundings, and crawled as fast as she could into the corner of the room. As soon as she reached the wall, Sara turned around, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms tightly around herself. She started to rock herself slowly back and forth, all the time staring at Catherine like she was the devil himself.

Catherine didn't know what to do. Sara seemed to be awake, but at the same time still caught in her own past. She'd never seen something like this. Not even Sara's panic attack this morning came close to this. To see her normally so confident and strong co-worker in so much pain made her want to cry. What the hell was going on here? She had to calm Sara down somehow.

Slowly and carefully she moved in Sara's direction. The brunette was mumbling something incomprehensible. The closer Catherine got, the more Sara tensed and tried to move further into the corner.

The blonde stopped her movements, unsure what to do next. With a wavering voice she spoke up. "Sara?"

"Go away!" Sara's voice was filled with panic.

Catherine raised her hands. "Alright, I'm not coming closer." Her eyes darted nervously around the room. "Look, I just gonna sit down on the bed, okay?" When Sara didn't object, she slowly walked over to the bed and sat down, her eyes never leaving the trembling form in the corner of the room.

Silent tears were streaming down Sara's face and she was still rocking herself back and forth. Catherine felt so helpless. She tried to blink her own tears, which threatened to fall, back, but to no avail. "I'm just going to stay here, okay? Just try to calm down. Everything is okay. No one wants to hurt you." To the blonde's surprise, her voice sounded calm and steady, whereas on the inside she felt like she was breaking. To see the normally so strong woman so broken, so devastated, broke her heart. How could she have even been angry with her a few hours ago?

Catherine had never considered her life an easy one, but suddenly her past didn't seem so bad after all. Unsure what to do, the blonde sat silently on the bed, observing.

After a few minutes of silence Sara seemed to have calmed down a bit. At least she wasn't shaking so much anymore. Catherine sighed. She had to try again. She couldn't just let her sit in that corner. "Sara?"

No reaction.

After a few more attempts to get her attention, Sara finally lifted her head to look at Catherine. The blonde took that as a good sign and went on. "Sar, are you okay?" Alright, that was probably the most stupid question she could ask, but she really couldn't think of anything else right now.

But again she got no reaction from Sara.

"Do you understand what I'm saying, Honey?" Catherine thought about getting some kind of help. After all there were dozens of psychologists running around here. Of course, Albert was totally out of question, but there had to be someone. Okay, one last try and then she would get some people out of bed.

"Sara" The brunette was still looking at her "You know I won't hurt you, right? It's just me … Catherine." Expectantly the older CSI waited for a reaction – and she got one.

Sara nodded slowly. Okay, that was progress. "How about I come over to you?"

The brunette looked unsure, so Catherine added "Please. I won't hurt you, Sweetie!" The blonde prayed that Sara would agree and to her relief she finally nodded. To say Catherine was happy about that was an understatement. She had to suppress the urge to jump up and run over to her. Instead she rose slowly and walked over to Sara, who eyed her suspiciously.

A few feet away, the blonde stopped, got on her knees and crawled the rest of the way to Sara's. Suppressing the urge to hug her, she sat down beside her younger co-worker, thinking about what she could say or do. She was really surprised when Sara spoke up first.

"I'm sorry."

Catherine looked at her, confusion written all over her face. "You don't have to be sorry for anything." Sara nodded slowly, not really looking like she believed Catherine. So the blonde started a new attempt to gain her trust. "Sara …"

But the brunette cut her off. "Don't" After a pause she added. "I don't want to talk."

The older CSI nodded. That was somehow understandable. So she was again left to wonder what she should do. Then – without warning – Sara scooted closer to her and lay her head on Catherine's shoulder. To say that she was stunned was and understatement. So it took her a few seconds to react, but then she carefully put her arms around Sara. When she didn't meet any resistance she carefully pulled her closer. "It'll be okay, Sara. Everything will be okay."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Finally Catherine spoke up again. "How about we get into bed? It's more comfortable there." When she got no response she looked down only to discover that the brunette was asleep.

Alright, who needed a comfortable bed anyway? The floor was just fine, as long as Sara was okay. With that, Catherine leaned back against the wall, pulling Sara instinctively closer and closing her eyes. There was no way in hell that she would allow this madness to continue. First thing in the morning she would find someone who was willing to listen and get rid off Albert. And if that wouldn't work than she would cancel this damn seminar – with or without Sara's permission.

With that thought she followed her co-worker into a restless sleep.

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_A/N: And a big thank you for all your reviews. I really really love getting them! So, if you want to make me happy you know what to do 'lol'  
And tomorrow (tomorrow in the story - not tomorrow ;-) ) I'll will finally get rid of Albert..._


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: I have to admit you all seem to be a lot more creative than I am when it comes to getting rid off Albert ;-) I really like your ideas:_

_- Kill him with fire, knives and angry giraffes in tanks (My personal favorite)  
- Dropping him in a really deep hole  
- Burn him at the stake or boil him in oil_

_I'm not sure yet how exactly I can get rid off him without making it look totally unbelieveable. This could also mean that the next chapter might take a while._

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Chapter 24

Sara groaned. The birds were singing again, obviously celebrating the new day. But the brunette didn't feel like celebrating at all. She felt like she had a marching band in her head, a blacksmith hammering on her hand, and above all she had that sick feeling in her stomach. Somehow her whole body arched and she felt like shit. Kind of like she had a boxing match with Mike Tyson last night … did she?

Sara opened her eyes only to close them immediately. It was way too bright in this room. Slowly the brunette tried again. She blinked a few times before finally opening her eyes. To her surprise she was neither on the couch nor the bed, but instead on the floor, snuggled up to Catherine no less.

Alright, brain, what happened last night? … nightmare … yeah, right … but before she managed to recall the events any further, the marching band started to play extra loud in her head. Sara groaned and closed her eyes again. Then she lifted her left hand to her temple and started to slowly massage it. Her movement didn't go unnoticed by the person beside her.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" Catherine's voice was soft and – thank God – quiet. Without opening her eyes Sara recalled how she was feeling right now. "Headache, nausea, my hand hurts like hell." After a short pause she added. "To sum it up: I feel like crap." Her voice was still throaty.

With her head still on Catherine's shoulder, she felt the blonde nodding. Sara thought about trying to sleep a bit more, but her body ached too much. And she had to face the music sooner or later, so the brunette figured she should get it over with. "What happened last night? I think I had a nightmare, but I'm not sure how we ended here on the floor."

To Sara's surprise, Catherine totally ignored her question. "You should lie down on the bed. It's more comfy there." Okay, her co-worker was obviously mad at her. Why else would she ignore her question? Well, that wasn't really a surprise. She really deserved that. Sara knew she behaved like a total jerk yesterday. But that was her way of dealing with what had happened.

She felt Catherine removing her arms and standing up. The bed sounded really tempting but with the sick feeling in her stomach Sara didn't feel like moving at all. But before she could voice her discomfort, she felt two hands gripping her arms and slowly pulling her into a standing position. And then suddenly everything became blurred and Sara lost her balance. If Catherine hadn't caught her, she would be lying flat on the floor right now.

"Easy, Sara. I got you." The blonde held on to her until it seemed like Sara was able to stand on her own again. "Come on; let's get you on the bed."

Without any complaints Sara let Catherine lead her to the bed, where she carefully laid down. All the time her eyes remained closed.

"Stay here" With that she heard Catherine walking away. It seemed like the blonde didn't even want to be in the same room and Sara couldn't blame her. She heard a door opening and closing. Okay, so what was she supposed to do now? She still didn't remember what happened last night and that made her feel nervous. Maybe a bit more sleep would do her some good. It might be morning, but Sara still felt exhausted.

To the brunette's surprise the door opened again and someone moved back to the bed. Then suddenly she felt something cold and wet on her forehead. Sara eyes immediately snapped open only to come face to face with Catherine, who was holding a wet towel to her forehead. Maybe she was trying to drown the marching band. Sara had to admit it felt really good. And despite what she thought before, her older co-worker didn't look mad at all – just worried. Sara just couldn't understand it. "You aren't mad?"

Now it was Catherine's turn to be surprised. Why did Sara always think that everything was her fault and that everyone was mad at her? That had to change. The blonde gave her reassuring smile. "Of course I'm not mad. You did nothing wrong." Catherine paused for a moment. "Okay, maybe your drinking marathon last night wasn't very smart, but I think I understand why you did it."

Sara nodded, but immediately stopped that movement when her head started throbbing again. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The brunette felt the bed dip when Catherine sat down beside her.

"I'm going to check your hand, okay?"

Sara wordlessly raised her hand and Catherine put it in her lap like last night. Carefully she removed the bandage. The hand looked more swollen than yesterday. Sara's fall off the couch last night obviously did some additional damage to her hand. While carefully cleaning and re-dressing the hand, Catherine recalled last night events.

"You are right. You had a nightmare, but it was a lot more vivid than the night before."

Sara reminded quiet and took in everything the blonde told her.

"First I tried to calm you like the night before, but that didn't really work, so I tried to wake you. And let me tell you, that wasn't exactly an easy task."

So far it sounded like every other night in the life of Sara Sidle.

"When I finally managed to shake you awake you kind of lost it …" Catherine trailed off, unsure what she should reveal to her co-worker. After a short moment she came to the conclusion that the truth would be the best thing. "You obviously thought I was a threat, probably someone who hurt you before."

Sara cringed at Catherine's words.

"You jumped up from the couch, tripped and fell on your hand. Then you crawled into the corner over there – totally panicked. I don't think you knew where you were or who I was."

The brunette started to feel really sick. She couldn't remember ever doing something like that. But then again, there was hardly ever someone present when she had the really bad nightmares.

"When I tried to move closer to you, you started to freak out more, so I sat down on the bed and gave you some time to calm down. When you finally let me close again, I sat down beside you and before I knew what happened I had you in my arms and you were asleep." By the time Catherine was finished with her story, Sara's hand was re-dressed.

Sara looked really embarrassed by now. She didn't just scare the hell out of Catherine – no – she also fell asleep on her in the most uncomfortable position on the floor. How could she make up for that? "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize." Catherine packed the first-aid-kit, stood up and put on some fresh clothes. "Try to rest a bit more. I'll be back soon."

Sara opened her eyes again and saw the older woman heading for the door "Where are you going?"

Catherine gave her another one of her warm smiles and answered mysteriously "Solving our problems." Before Sara managed to ask what exactly that meant, the blonde was out of the door, leaving Sara and her thoughts alone.

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_A/N: Considering the fact that the next chapter is still not written, how about a few more ideas about how to get rid off Albert? Inspire me ;-)_


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: I'm so so sorry!!!! I never meant to make you wait that long. I just lost track of time ... kind of._

_Thank you so much for all your reviews! You guys are just great! Really! And creative ;-) I can't comment on all of them, cause there were just too many, so just let me say that:  
I want them to go through this seminar without help from the outside, so the dig-up-his-past-scenario is not going to happen. But a few of your reviews went in the same direction as my first thoughts and I also found some new ideas.  
I don't know if you'll be happy with the way I deal with Albert. It's probably too gentle, but it felt right to write anyway. _

_Now I said enough. Enjoy the chapter._**

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**Chapter 25**

When Catherine returned to the room she immediately noticed that Sara wasn't on the bed anymore. Instantly panic overcame her. Then she heard water running. Sara was obviously in the bathroom taking a shower. The blonde took a deep breath. Everything was okay.

While the older woman went to her suitcase to check her cell phone, only to find that there still was no reception, the water stopped.

Fifteen minutes later Sara emerged from the bathroom, freshly dressed and with the good old first-aid-kit in hand. The look on her face told Catherine that she hadn't expected her to be back already. Sara's question confirmed that. "You are back already?"

The blonde nodded. Then her eyes fell on Sara's hand. The bandage was gone. Catherine looked with a raised eyebrow at her younger co-worker.

Sara shrugged and looked away sheepishly. "You did a really good job bandaging it, but I wanted to take a shower and the bandage was in the way. But I'll re-do it now."

The older woman shook her head smilingly at that. "And how exactly do you plan to do that?"

Sara went over to the bed and sat down. "Well, I managed to dress myself with one hand, so I'm sure I'll somehow manage that, too. Don't worry."

Catherine sighed. Don't worry? Those were easily spoken words. And why was it so hard for Sara to ask for help? Or did she really think that Catherine was mad at her for taking the bandage off in the first place?

The blonde watched her co-worker for a minute fumbling with the first-aid-kit. She had to admit that it looked quite amusing. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, Catherine felt bad about it. Sara was probably in great pain and that was everything but amusing. And after all she had a plan that she had to fill her in. So she sat down beside her and took the kit away from the brunette. "Let me do this."

Before Sara managed to object, Catherine picked up her hand and started to re-dress it. "And before I forget it: I have a plan." That got Sara's attention.

Right, Catherine wanted to solve some problems. Sara came to the conclusion that that meant finding a way to get rid of Dr. Albert. And if her co-worker had plan then she was definitely in. It was questionable if she was really helpful in her condition, but she was willing to try.

When Catherine saw that she had Sara's undivided attention, she explained her plan. "This is what we are going to do …"

xxxxxxxx

They sat down in the restaurant for breakfast, but Sara wasn't really hungry. Her hand hurt like hell and she really didn't want to see Dr. Albert again. That combined kind of eliminated her hunger. But this time it was Catherine who'd had the last word and so Sara spent breakfast chewing unhappily on a slice of toast. All too soon for her liking, breakfast was over and it was time for their next session.

And here they were – back in hell! Now was the moment of truth. Would the plan work?

Catherine and Sara entered the room wordlessly and sat down opposite Albert. There were no greetings exchanged between them. The two CSI were ten minutes late – on purpose of course. They knew it and Dr. Albert knew it. But no one said a word. Instead they sat in silence for a few minutes, each side trying to intimidate the other with an icy glare.

Then, finally, Sara broke the silence. "Could we get this started? I'm sure the lab has to pay a great amount of money for this seminar and I really don't want to waste the precious budget." Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

Catherine smirked. That was a nice start.

Dr. Albert raised an eyebrow. It looked like the brunette was some kind of skipjack, the kind that knew that it would be shot down again hard, but got up again every time anyway. That girl was really self-destructive. Well, if she insisted on it. The psychologist adjusted his glasses, leaned back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. "Alright, I really like this idea. Why don't we start with what happened to your hand. I'm really curious."

Sara felt the urge to growl, but she had promised Catherine that she would hold her temper. "What exactly has my hand got to do with our relationship and the way we work together? Because if I recall correctly, that is the topic of the seminar."

The doctor also kept his cool. "A lot actually. So?"

Catherine and Sara figured that this wasn't exactly a good reason, so they both didn't bother to answer.

When Dr. Albert realized that, he went on himself. "Fine. Then I tell you what I think." Neither woman looked like she was interested in hearing his opinion, but that had never stopped him before. He turned to Sara. "I think your anger got the best you – again – and you just let it out."

That statement wouldn't sound so bad, if he hadn't turned his eyes towards Catherine while saying the last part. Sara's eyes went wide at that. Did that ass really just say that? "Are you actually accusing me of beating up my co-worker?" To hell with her promise!

This time Catherine interfered. "What the hell gives you the right to say something like that?!" The blonde sounded as angry as Sara. "You really seem to have a sick imagination, because last time I checked I didn't have any bruises."

Now it was Albert's turn to get angry. It seemed like they were picking up right where they'd left yesterday. "Sick imagination? Are you getting defensive again? I had really thought that we could start on better terms today."

His false kindness made Catherine feel sick. Then – totally out of the blue – Sara asked an interesting question. "Did you talk to Ecklie yesterday, telling him how much fun you have with us?" Again, the brunette's voice was filled with the right amount of venom, just enough to provoke the dear doctor. To Sara's delight he took the bait.

"There it is again, Sara. Maybe at the end of this week you'll realize that you just lose your temper too easily to work in law enforcement. Even if someone asks you a reasonable question you just snap at them, bringing up things that have nothing to do with the original topic." The little evil smile from yesterday found its way back to Dr. Albert's lips.

Sara countered. "You call the question if I beat up my co-worker, just because my hand is bandaged, reasonable?"

"Conrad is completely right about you. You have a bad temper, which is intervening with your work and endangering the reputation of the lab. This has to stop and I'm more than willing to help him." The psychologist practically shouted.

All right. Not that again! Now Sara was pissed. She jumped up from her chair, walking to the window and then abruptly turning around. "Don't pretend you know me, because you don't!"

Dr. Albert glared at her. "And there you are wrong. I don't need to know you to make such statements, because I know that your father was an abuser and that your mother is a cold-blooded murderer. And the fact that you are their daughter tells me enough to know that you are just like them!"

This time is was Catherine who jumped up from her chair. "How dare you, you damn …" But she didn't get further as the door flew open, revealing two angry looking people. One of them was a woman in her fifties, dressed in a brown pantsuit, the other a man, probably in his forties, dressed in a dark suit. Both looked professional – and really angry. The woman spoke up first. "I think that is enough!"

Catherine moved immediately to Sara's side. Dr. Albert also rose from his chair, looking truly shocked. "What are you doing here?!"

This time the man spoke up. "Saving the reputation of this seminar and of our profession."

Albert turned to Catherine and Sara, who had smug looks on their faces. They'd played him! Those little bitches! "You sold me? Who do you think you are, you damn little …"

"That's enough, George!" The woman interrupted him. "You already did enough damage. Your great connections saved you last time, but this time I'll personally make sure that they never ever let you near a patient again!"

The psychologist clenched his fists, turning away from Sara and Catherine to the two newcomers. "Don't talk to me like that! You can't do anything to me – I'm the head of this seminar!"

The well-clad man shook his head disbelievingly. "For God's sake, George, in which world do you live? You know very well that the stunt you pulled on Saturday had cost you that position. The only reason you're still here is because you have powerful friends."

The woman nodded in agreement. "It was a big mistake to let you stay. You are a danger to everyone around you, a ticking bomb!"

At that Sara laughed out loud. She knew it was totally inappropriate but she couldn't help it. She was really enjoying this show.

The man and the woman looked puzzled at her.

The brunette took a deep breath, trying to get herself together before answering. "Sorry, but it's just … yesterday I was the danger for everyone, the ticking bomb ready to explode. It's just nice to see that it's someone else today."

Catherine tried hard to suppress the grin that threatened to appear on her face. Sara was so right. This whole situation was really entertaining.

Dr. Albert shot both CSIs a death glare, but suddenly it seemed to have lost all its power. "You …" His attempt to insult them some more was interrupted by the woman. "George, my office. Now!"

Furiously Dr. Albert pushed past the two people at the door, leaving the room, shouting: "To hell with you! I'm leaving! No one treats Dr. George Albert like that!" With that he was gone.

The man and the woman looked at each other, both shaking their heads. Finally the man spoke up again. "I'll take care of that." With that he hurried after Albert. The woman sighed and ran her hand through her hair. Then she remembered that she wasn't alone in the room. She looked apologetically at Catherine and Sara and moved over to them.

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_A/N: Sorry for the abrupt ending, but the original chapter was twice as long and I decided to make two chapters out of it. I promise you won't have to wait for the next chapter as long as you had to wait for that. Sorry again.  
BTW: this wasn't the last thing we heard from Albert_


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and a big big Thank you to Ace47_ _for beta-ing my story!!! _**

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**Chapter 26**

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Willows." The psychologist extended her hand to Catherine, who accepted it, before turning to Sara. "Ms. Sidle, I'm Dr. Waters. Mary Waters. My sincerest apology. All this should have never happened. When Mrs. Willows came to me this morning I couldn't believe what I was hearing … but I knew George, so I agreed to her plan." She offered Sara her hand. The brunette reflexively extended her right hand, only to stop when she remembered that it was injured. Shyly she offered her left hand to Dr. Waters.

The doctor accepted it understandingly and continued. "I promise you, that Dr. Albert will be held responsible for his actions. I will make sure that he loses his license. I know that this is probably just cold comfort after what you had to go through yesterday. Mrs. Willows only gave me a few examples, but I'm already shocked."

Sara nodded, not really sure what to say. "Thank you, Dr. Waters. I appreciate that." Then something hit her. "Wait, did you say that Albert wasn't the head of this seminar?"

Dr. Waters confirmed that. "Yes, that's true. It came to an unfortunate argument on Saturday at the last staff meeting before the seminar. I really don't want to go into the details, but he lost his position to me."

Shaking her head, Sara turned to Catherine. "He lied to us all the time. We could have easily walked away yesterday." It was a sad realization. When your emotions get the best of you and fear influences your judgment, then you stop thinking logically, even when you normally do that for a living. How could they be so stupid to let it get out of hand like that? "That's just fucking great." Sara threw her hands up in desperation, but lowered it immediately as a sharp pain shot through her injured one. That earned her concerned looks from Catherine and Dr. Waters.

It was her co-worker who spoke up. "Are you okay?"

Sara gritted her teeth. Damn, that hurt! "I'm fine" With that she turned away from the two women, unwilling to admit her weakness. After a few deep breaths she turned back around, addressing the psychologist. "What are Albert's chances of getting away with that?"

Dr. Waters shook her head. "Don't worry. I promise you that there is no one who could save him from his destiny that time. It will be a board of fifteen psychologists who'll decide about his future. There might be one or two of them who would normally act in George's defense but after this incident, and Dr. Seldon's and my testimony in front of the board, even they will realize that if they support him they risk their own carrier – and that's something they won't do."

Catherine looked at her puzzled. "What about our testimony? Won't we be heard, too?" She really wanted to get back at Albert in all possible ways.

"Well," Dr. Waters started "That board will only accept other psychologists as witnesses, but I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. We'll take care of George. A lot of people would be glad if he could never get near a patient again." The woman smiled apologetically at Catherine, before continuing. "As head of this seminar you'll understand that I want to keep the damage as small as possible."

Before she got any further Catherine interrupted her. "That is totally understandable, Dr. Waters, but I won't be satisfied if he just loses his license."

The psychologist sighed. She'd feared that this wouldn't be an easy discussion. "I understand your anger. I really do."

Again Catherine interrupted her before she finished. "That really great, Doctor. Then I'm sure you'll understand that we will take legal measures." She paused. "Anyway, if you knew before what kind of person he was and how SICK he was, why did you allow him to stay here?" The blonde CSI suddenly felt angry. There was no way in hell that she would let Albert get away so easily. And if that nice doctor in front of her thought she could just calmly talk her out of it then she didn't know Catherine Willows. That ass hurt them both, above all he hurt Sara and he had to pay for that. And if Dr. Waters was somehow responsible too then she would also pay.

The psychologist ran a hand through her hair and started to slowly walk back and forth in the small room. "As I said before: George Albert has powerful friends. Believe me, I tried to send him home, but he made it clear to me that if I wouldn't allow him to stay, he would make sure I also have to go."

Catherine snorted. "Great. Who cares about the psyche of some law enforcement officers when their own job is on the line."

"With all due respect, Mrs. Willows. It was impossible to knew that he would do something like this. He was never that extreme."

"Maybe he was and you just didn't hear about it."

Dr. Waters sighed. She wanted to do damage control. There had to be way to talk the CSI out of her plans or the reputation of the seminar and probably her own could suffer hard. "Look, I totally understand your anger, but right now you need to calm down and think logically."

That wasn't really improving Catherine's mood. "Don't shrink me! You have no idea what we went through!"

Sara stayed silent throughout the discussion.

The psychologist tried again to convince the blonde CSI. "I'll personally take care of Albert. He will never ever get near a patient again. As I said before, Dr. Seldon and I heard enough to testify and the board can't overrule facts. George catapulted himself in a position where no one can save him. So you don't have to worry about anything."

Catherine nodded. "That sounds really good, but we are still going to take legal measures. This isn't about you or your great seminar, Dr. Waters. It's just about Albert."

Dr. Waters was ready to argue back, but suddenly Sara spoke up. "NO!" The two older women looked at her surprised. Whereas Dr. Waters surprise soon turned into satisfaction, Catherine didn't understand anything anymore.

"No? Why not? Sara, you know as well as I do that he had no right to treat us like that."

Sara just shook her head. "I'm not going to make a testimony in a court."

Catherine wanted to argue back when she realized what Sara's point was. "We don't have to recall everything that happened word by word, Sara."

At that the brunette let out a dry laugh. "Really? And you know that because? If he has such influential friend then I'm sure he'll get a damn good lawyer. And then everything will start all over again. I'm not going to listen to all of that a second time and I definitely also won't tell a judge and God knows how many other people what exactly he said to me that was so inappropriate. And it will finally end like that."

Catherine sighed. Okay, she didn't think of that – at least not as extremely as Sara. But her co-worker was exaggerating, right? Right? Damn it. Of course she couldn't be sure, but she couldn't let him get away like that. "Sara …"

"No, and that's my last word."

There it was again. The pain in Sara's face. The same pain Catherine witnessed yesterday with Dr. Albert and last night. She didn't want to see that again or at least she didn't want to cause her co-worker such pain. That meant just one thing – that she had to give up. "Fine." But she wouldn't be Catherine Willows if she couldn't find another way to get back at him. Surely she could figure something out.

Dr. Water voice broke her train of thought. "Ms. Sidle, I'm really sorry for yesterday and for what George did to both of you. I know that probably all you want to do now is going home and try to forget that it has ever happened, but I want to make a suggestion. I want you to finish this seminar."

Catherine and Sara looked at her like she just grew a second head, so the psychologist continued. "Listen first. I know talking to a psychologist is probably not what you have in mind, but they are not all like George. The others here are really professional. And they help people dealing with emotions, with their past on a daily basis. What happened obviously not just affected every one of you but also your relationship and if you walk away now you'll let him win. The damage has to be repaired soon or it will get bigger until it is irreparable. Don't let it go so far. I offer you a week with a professional psychologist, who can help you deal with things."

Dr. Waters words had the effect she had hoped for. Both CSIs looked like they were seriously thinking about her offer. "I think, I also know the perfect replacement for George. I'll have to rearrange the schedule but I think it will work. You just have to say yes." Expectantly she looked at both of them.

Catherine was the first to react. She nodded slowly. "That's sounds fair."

Dr. Waters smiled, then she turned to Sara who still looked skeptically. "How about that. You accept my offer for today and see how you get along with the new psychologist. And if you still want to leave tonight, then you'll have my blessing. And of course I'll personally make sure that this seminar as absolutely no effect on your jobs, so you don't have to worry about that."

Sara was fighting an inner battle. Nothing here was like it was supposed to be. Catherine knew almost everything about her and she most likely wasn't going to lose her job which meant that she would have to face the blonde everyday at work. In order to avoid that, she would have to quit her job, but quitting meant that she would let Ecklie win after all and she really didn't want that either. But could she handle the situation with Catherine?

Catherine looked expectantly at Sara, silently praying that her co-worker would accept.

After a few seconds, Sara sighed. "Fine. Let's try it." Maybe that psychologist could really help her and if not then she would be out of here very fast.

Dr. Waters smiled at her relieved. "Good. Thank you. I'll not disappoint you this time. Why don't you go to the restaurant and enjoy a cup of coffee or tee until I find a suitable doctor for you?"

With that the psychologist left the room, leaving the two CSIs alone. As soon as the door was closed, Catherine turned to Sara. "I truly think it's the best for us if we stay here. We'll work this out, Sara."

The brunette still didn't look totally convinced, but nodded anyway. Then she turned away from Catherine. "Look, Catherine, I'm sorry about the legal measures. But I just can't…"

"That's okay." Came the reply. "I understand. I'm just sorry that I didn't think of that before. Albert just pissed me off to no end. I just want to hurt him as much as possible."

Sara turned around and nodded with a serious expression. "In that case, we have to kill him… but right now I need a coffee." And with that Sara left the room.

Catherine blinked. Sara and her dry humor. That was an example of Sara humor, wasn't it? Quickly the blonde caught up with her co-worker. She was still trying to figure out if Sara was kidding or not, when the brunette spoke up again. "I mean, come on. We are both CSIs. We know how to not leave evidence behind. I'm sure we'll get away with it."

Catherine was shocked. "You are kidding, right?" She took a close look at Sara's face, but the brunette still looked damn serious. "Sara?"

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_A/N: Sara? Would she really do something like that? Time (or the next chapter) will tell us ;-) _

_HAPPY EASTER to all of you!_


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N: Hey guys, sorry this update took so long. But that time it wasn't my fault. I've been trying for days to upload that damn document - without success. I always get an error message. Now I exported one of my old chapters and copied the new content into it: Where there's a will, there's a way ;-)_

_Thank you all for your reviews!_

_ElGringoLoco: I don't think they are crazy :-) Cat wants to help Sara and Sara wants some help (as written in the first chapters) and I truly believe that there are psychologists who really care for their patients. And I think we all want them to resolve at least some of their issues and if I would sent them home right now ... well, there would definitely be no happy ending for this story._

_And here we go:_**

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Chapter 27

To Catherine's relief Sara was just kidding. That was at least what her co-worker told her when they entered the restaurant, even if she didn't put much effort into making it sound convincing. The older CSI decided that she would keep an eye on Sara, just in case.

Now they were in the restaurant silently drinking their coffees, each woman lost in her own thoughts. They were sitting at the same table that they had occupied after their arrival two days ago. On the contrary to last night, the restaurant was empty with exception of the waiter.

Catherine observed Sara closely. She looked more relaxed now. She still seemed kind of tense, but not as extremely as before. Maybe the blonde could give Sara a bit more reassurance. She cleared her throat which prompted the brunette to look up. "How about … how about we just start over new. Let's forget all that shit that happened yesterday and give it another shot, okay?" She offered Sara a way out and to emphasize her good intentions, Catherine put her best smile on.

Sara took a sip of her coffee, thinking about the answer. Then, to Catherine's dismay, the brunette shook her head. "I'm sorry, Catherine."

The blondes smile immediately disappeared.

"I can't just forget about yesterday." The sadness and pain that Sara was feeling was evident in her voice. "Those things were never meant for you to know. Okay maybe not never … If we were close friends, I probably would have told you some of it."

Catherine felt like she'd gotten slapped. It seemed as if Sara didn't even see a friend in her right now. That hurt. She knew it shouldn't because they were never really close, but it did anyway. The older woman tried to hide her disappointment, but failed.

"I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't give away the status of 'friend' easily. I'm careful with who I trust. That's just me."

The blonde nodded sadly. "I think I understand that."

Sara went on. "I'll be honest with you. I went through with it yesterday, because I thought I would never see you again. Actually I'd already planed to which city I wanted to move when we got back."

Catherine was shocked by that admission. Sara would have left Vegas just because she knew about her past? She really didn't know how to respond to that, so she stayed silent, giving her co-worker the chance to get everything out that was on her mind.

"I just don't know how to behave around you anymore." The brunette sounded desperate.

Catherine opened her mouth to speak up, but Sara raised a hand to stop her. "And don't say that I don't have to worry about that, because nothing has changed."

Catherine closed her mouth again. The brunette made sure she had eye contact when she said the next part. "You know that this is a lie, because everything has changed. You aren't looking at me the same anymore, even if you tell yourself you are!"

Sara knew that she sounded harsh, but she was always a straight forward person – like Catherine herself. She figured that sugarcoating things wouldn't help them in their current situation. They both had to play with open cards.

Catherine swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, wanting to say something to make Sara feel better. She wanted to tell her that she was wrong, but deep down she knew that her co-worker was right and she just couldn't lie to her. But before she managed to formulate a reply, someone else spoke up.

"Maybe we can work on that together and finally work out a way for both of you to deal with it."

Catherine and Sara looked up. The older CSI blinked. Standing before her was the woman who was with Jennifer last night. What was her name again? Andrea? Alex? Alex! "Hello, Alex. I take it you are our new psychologist?"

Alex smiled and nodded.

Sara looked surprised at Catherine. "You know each other?"

The blonde nodded. "Yeah, we met last night at the get-together."

Sara cringed. She still had a headache from that 'get-together'. The brunette hoped that she wasn't supposed to know the woman, too, but after the amount of alcohol she drank she really couldn't be sure.

"I'm Dr. Alex Jordan. Just call me Alex. Is it fine with you if I call you Sara? I've never been a friend of formalities." She sent Sara a smile and offered her hand. The brunette shook it, again a bit awkwardly with her left instead of her right hand.

Remembering that she was asked a question, Sara quickly answered. "Fine with me." Then the investigator in her took over and she took in the woman before her. Dr. Alex Jordan seemed to be in her late thirties. She had thick, long, black hair, which fell over her shoulders, framing her face. She was shorter but a bit taller than Catherine. She was clad in a pair of black jeans and a white top, making her look like … well, at least not like the typical psychologist. And then there was that smile on her face. Sara didn't know if it was real or just a professional mask, but like that Alex looked a lot nicer than Albert had. If she really was, was something she had to prove today. What caught Sara's eye beside her smile, was the brown folder she carried with her. Most likely Albert's folder, which held all the information about Sara's lovely past. The brunette closed her eyes for a moment. She could do that. At least she hoped she could …

Alex observed both women closely. She'd hardly had any time to read the file she'd received, but the parts she'd skimmed were anything but nice. And if Dr. Waters was right and Albert had confronted them in his first-class-ass-manner with all of it, then he probably did a lot of damage to their trust in psychologists in general and most likely to their relationship too. It looked like it was up to her to rebuild that trust again.

The psychologist looked around the room and then back to the two CSIs. "How about we take this outside? The weather is beautiful and the park is really nice. There are picnic tables at the far end of the park. We could sit down there if you don't mind. I'm not really a fan of the small stuffy rooms that they have here. From my experience nature has always had a positive effect on people."

Sara shuddered as she remembered how claustrophobic she felt yesterday at the end of the session, like she was suffocating. It was simply too much. Everything was too much.

Catherine accepted the offer happily. She could really start to like this woman. "That sounds like a great idea. Sara?" She turned to her co-worker.

The brunette just shrugged, still not convinced of Alex good intentions. "Fine with me." The lack of enthusiasm was evident in her voice.

Alex nodded. "Great. Then let's go." Sara and Catherine stood up and followed her into the park.

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The three women were walking side by side through the park, heading for the picnic tables Alex had mentioned.

The psychologist knew that Catherine was willing to work on what happened yesterday. Even if that wasn't a big surprise. If she'd understood Dr. Waters correctly, then it was mostly Sara and her past that was trampled on. And getting the trust of the brunette would be a challenge. Sara seemed to be tense and nervous, something that had increased since they had left the restaurant.

Over the years Alex had learned how to read people. She knew that she had to be really careful with Sara. The psychologist truly hoped that she would be able to repair some of the damage Albert had done. But in order to achieve that she had to break the ice first. "Well, maybe I'll just tell you something about me first, so that you know who you are dealing with." That was always a good start.

"I'm thirty-six, single, with a practice in Chicago, where I work with two friends. I was also born there. Probably the reason why I returned there after I finished college. I graduated with a degree in psychology from Harvard and I did my doctorate a few years later there too."

Catherine looked smilingly at Sara, who was walking at her side. "Wow, looks like you two have something in common."

Alex turned surprised to Sara. "You are from Chicago?"

The brunette shook her head. "No, I went to Harvard."

That earned her a smile from the psychologist. "Really? In what did you graduate? Forensic science?"

Sara shook her head again. "Nope, I did later somewhere else. I started off with theoretical physics."

Alex nodded, obviously impressed. "Wow, the chair of physics at Harvard is infamous all over the country."

The brunette just shrugged, obviously uncomfortable with the attention and the compliment she'd gotten from the psychologist.

Catherine just smiled to herself. This was so typical Sara, always shy and contained.

Alex picked also up on it and decided to drop the topic – at least for now. "Well, where was I? Right. I got my doctorate at Harvard and then I returned to Chicago to open my own practice with some friends." She paused, thinking about what might be interesting for the two CSIs. "Every now and then I support the local police as a profiler. It's really an interesting job. You meet so many different people… Well, of course some of them are so sick that afterwards you wish you'd never met them. I could tell you some stories about that…" Alex trailed of.

Catherine shook her head, smiling. "Not necessary. We have enough of those stories ourselves."

The psychologist smiled back. "Yeah, right. Of course you do. You probably get to see the cruelty and sickness of the world a lot more than I do." Alex paused again, not really sure what else to tell. "As I said, I'm single, which I really enjoy. I love playing sports but above all I love my job, because it gives me a chance to help people."

"Well, I guess that's what drives all of us." Came Catherine's thoughtful reply.

Finally the three women reached their destination. "We're here." In front of them were two long wooden picnic tables with benches at each side. Alex headed for one of them and sat down. Catherine and Sara both took a deep breath and took a seat opposite of her.

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_A/N: Any comments?_


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: And here we go again. Thank you for all your reviews. You guys really know how to brighten my day! _

_SEAGUL: I'm not sure yet if we'll see Albert again during the seminar, but we will finally hear about what happend to him.  
ElGringoLoco: I think I can't tell you what the two docs are like. Right now I would say they are on Cath and Saras side, but you'll never now what will happen in futer chapters - so, keep reading and wait ;-) And as for happy endings: I'm with you. Not every story needs one, but I think my first one should have at least a passable ending. I have the strange feeling that they will stay ...  
MaeLace: I'm with Electrafixion here. I don't think Sara is an ass, just really troubled, confused and scared. Just give her some time - and I do my best not do disappoint you.  
Electrafixion: Thanks! I'm glad you like my story. Nice to hear that got better over the chapters - even if I personally think you can all thank Ace47 (my one and only beta) for that :-)_

_Enjoy the chapter!_**

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**Chapter 28 **

"I want to apologize for Albert's behavior." Alex started after they sat down.

Catherine smiled at her. "It's okay. Dr. Waters already took care of that."

The psychologist vehemently shook her head. "I don't think that we can apologize enough for that. As a psychologist, a counselor, it should be our intention to help. You have to be careful with what you say or what advice you give to a patient, because those people rely on you and they believe in your words. They trust you, and therefore there is a lot of damage that can be done." Alex looked intensively at Sara to catch her reaction, but the brunette avoided her eyes. She really hoped that the damaged that had been done to her could be repaired.

The two CSIs had to start talking at some point and light topics were always good starters. "How about you tell me something about you, so I can get a better picture of you." When Sara effectively looked everywhere but at Alex, the psychologist turned to Catherine.

The blonde CSI looked at Sara, like silently asking her if she wanted to start. When Sara felt Catherine looking at her, she just shrugged her shoulders. "Go ahead." Making clear that she wasn't going to start talking.

The older woman nodded slowly and turned back to Alex. "Looks like I'll start."

Alex nodded and opened the folder that lay in front of her. She took out a small notebook and a pen and waited for Catherine to start.

"Well, as you already know, we are both CSIs from Las Vegas. We work the graveyard shift there. As for me: I'm divorced and have a fifteen year old daughter – Lindsey – who is my life. My job and being the mother of a rebellious teenager is taking up all my time, so I don't have much time or hobbies. If I have a few free minutes I really like to go out, spend time with friends, dance." Catherine wasn't sure what Alex wanted to know. She figured she would stick to the basics about her life and the rest would probably come up by itself.

Alex finished scribbling down something and sent the blonde an approving smile. Then she turned to Sara and looked expectantly at her.

Sara sighed. She really really hated talking about herself – especially to people she didn't know. "Well, there isn't much to say about me." It was true after all. She didn't have anything she could talk about. Maybe if she stayed silent, Alex would ask a few more concrete questions. She always found it easier to answer those. But unfortunately Alex reminded silent.

Sara sighed. "I'm a CSI and that's about it. I don't have family. I don't have any hobbies. I'm a workaholic and I practically live in the lab." That should be enough for a short introduction. To her delight Alex seemed satisfied with her answer, because she finished writing down something and then looked up to her. "Thank you, Sara."

Then the psychologist turned to Catherine. "You wanna give me an insight about what happened yesterday? Just a general summary."

The older CSI glanced at Sara. The brunette's hands were resting on the table and she was nervously picking at her bandage. Catherine took that as a clue that she wasn't going to speak up. So it was up to her. She thought about how much she wanted to tell – or better how detailed. Her co-worker definitely didn't need to hear it all over again.

Sara didn't seem to be as relaxed as in the restaurant. She seemed…defensive. Catherine figured that the brunette was trying to protect herself from Alex, so something like yesterday couldn't happen again, but she probably didn't see as much of a threat in Alex as she saw in Albert. That meant that she sooner or later would talk too, even if she only revealed as little as possible about herself.

Catherine really hoped that they would manage to work things out a bit. She couldn't live with the thought that Sara would leave the lab just because she knew about her past. If they'd been assigned to Alex from the beginning, they would probably already be on the road to a close friendship by now. Sometimes life just sucked.

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, the older CSI started to tell the story. "Before we go into yesterday, it might be helpful to explain why we are here in the first place."

That start surprised Alex. "Well, I thought you were here to improve your teamwork like everyone else."

Catherine smiled, but shook her head. "Unfortunately it's not that simple. That's just the official version, but our boss had other interests." That earned the CSI Alex's full attention, so she continued. "I think it's safe to say that Sara and Ecklie, the assistant lab director, aren't exactly close friends."

Sara chuckled. "Nice description."

Now Alex turned confused to Sara. "You want to elaborate that?"

That was something the brunette didn't have a problem with. She was as mad at Ecklie as she was at Albert. "There's not much to say. I can't stand him and he can't stand me. According to Ecklie, I'm bad for the lab. He's doing everything to get on my nerves. He's practically always hiding in a corner, waiting for me to fuck up, so he can just jump out and fire me right away. Well, unfortunately for him, I didn't make any mistakes lately, so he had to change his plans for getting rid off me. And then he magically heard of this great seminar and what it can do, that it can get a bad entry in your file when you fail it. That was exactly what he needed."

Wow, that felt really good. Sara smiled to herself. It was probably time to get that out.

Alex looked at her stunned. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, so she turned to Catherine for confirmation.

The blonde just shrugged. "It sounds like a bad movie, but it's true. Ecklie has a problem with our whole shift, but with Sara especially. He hates her, even if there isn't a real reason for it."

"Is there a special reason why he sent you with Sara?" Alex was still stunned. You didn't hear a story like that every day.

Catherine sighed, obviously uncomfortable with the question. "Well … let's say we weren't exactly best friends in the past."

The psychologist raised an eyebrow at that. "That means?"

The older CSI was looking for the right words. She knew that they never really got along, but how could she put that nicely? After all Sara was sitting beside her. "We had vivid discussions ever now and then."

Sara snorted. "We were famous for our fights. There were even bets when it would start to get physical."

Alex looked from Sara to Catherine and back to Sara. Those two seemed to be quite a couple.

Catherine rolled her eyes at Sara's words. "Come on, it wasn't that bad." Then she turned to Alex, who looked quite interested. "We are just both very headstrong, very stubborn and we don't always have the same opinion. But everyone disagrees over a case every now and then. It's normal. And that's the past anyway, because we are really getting along now. I mean, our last real 'fight' was about two years ago. Everything is fine between us." She knew she was rambling by now, but she somehow had to clarify that this was really the past – one she wasn't very proud of by the way – so she added. "Ecklie obviously didn't notice that fact and sent me here with the expectation that I would somehow make sure that Sara would fail this seminar." Satisfied with her answer, Catherine turned to Alex.

The psychologist didn't look happy about what she just had been told. "You two know that these are severe accusations against your superior?" She looked seriously at both of them.

That earned her a glare from Sara. "Are you accusing us of lying?" Maybe her first impression of Alex was wrong after all.

Alex sighed and shook her head. "No, Sara, I didn't say that. I'm just saying that this is serious. If you both say that this Ecklie is like that then I believe you."

Sara took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.

The psychologist turned to Catherine, still not seeing the whole situation. "But what I don't get is why he would send you here. What benefit would he have? I've never heard of a team that participated and actually failed. I'm sure your boss is aware of that."

The blonde answered. "You don't know him. He's capable of everything. I admit, at the beginning I was convinced too that we would pass this seminar and that Sara was just exaggerating." That earned her a glare from her co-worker, but she continued anyway. "But as soon as we met Albert and he announced that Ecklie was a friend of his, it was clear how this would work here. You could say he didn't hide his intentions."

Alex was shocked. "Wow! Let me get this straight. Albert is a friend of your boss and therefore he did what he did yesterday?"

Both CSIs nodded.

"Did he say that he would let you fail this seminar?" This whole situation got more and more delicate. Albert would be in big trouble once she told all this Dr. Waters.

Again it was Catherine who answered. "He didn't say it that directly, but his intentions were absolutely clear. The worst thing was the way he treated us. Somehow he managed to dig up information about us that he should have never had access to. He confronted us both with our pasts or simply old mistakes we made … but in the most insensitive and aggressive way. I think he wanted to provoke us, probably to break us – and he was damn good at it."

"Why didn't you complain about him as soon as he started to treat you like that?"

This time Sara spoke up. "He said he was the boss round here and that complaining to anyone wouldn't help us." The CSI shook her head sadly. "I don't know why, but somehow we believed him."

Alex ran a hand through her thick hair. "That guy has nerves."

"It really hurt what he said, especially Sara was suffering." Catherine got more and more angry, remembering what Albert did to them yesterday. "All the time I wanted to support her, defend her against his ridiculous accusations, but he would shoot me down hard, too, leaving me too shocked to do anything."

Alex Jordan shook her head. She never heard of a psychologist treating his patients like that. Catherine was right before. This all sounded like a bad movie.

"When I finally announced that he could play his perverse games without us and that we were leaving right now, he told us that when we leave we'll both fail the seminar. But he made also clear, that if we would stay, Sara would fail in the end. So no matter what we would do, Ecklie would get his reason to fire her and if we were not careful, he might get one for me, too. So Sara decided that if she couldn't save her job she would at least not endanger mine." The last part was something that Catherine hoped, but she wasn't entirely sure if those were really Sara's intentions or if she just refused to let Albert win. Considering the fact that her co-worker didn't correct her in that point right now, she figured she was right.

Alex was just listening with one ear to Catherine. Her full attention was on Sara. The brunette was staring blankly right through the Alex, obviously miles away. The psychologist put her pen down and leaned across the table, making sure to keep eye contact with the CSI. "Sara?"

That got Catherine's attention. She turned to Sara, only to realize that she had obviously again zoned out. Oh God, not one of those flashbacks again. She reached for Sara, but Alex caught her before she reached Sara's arm. "Don't" was all she said. The blonde looked puzzled.

Alex turned back to Sara, making sure to look her in the eyes. "Sara?" Her tone was soft, but like before the brunette wasn't reacting. The psychologist called her a few more time with the same result.

Catherine was ready to shake Sara back to the present, but Alex still had a steady grip on her hand. She took a deep breath and tried to tell herself that the woman knew what she was doing – she really hoped it.

After Alex called Sara's name once more, the CSI started to blink, slowly focusing on the dark eyes that were looking at her.

The psychologist smiled at her. "Welcome back. Is everything okay?"

Sara leaned back abruptly. That woman in front of her was way too close for her liking. What the hell had just happened? She turned to her side to look at Catherine. Her co-worker looked really worried. What had she done now? "What's wrong? Did I do … something?" Sara really hoped that she didn't freaked like yesterday or last night, but she really couldn't tell. To her relief Alex shook her head.

The psychologist was still smiling, which had a calming effect on Sara's nerves. "No, you just seemed to have left us for a moment. Care to tell us where you went?"

Sara thought about the question. Where did she go? When Catherine mentioned their pasts she kind of drifted off to … someplace. Didn't she decide yesterday not to do that anymore? When she didn't answer, Alex spoke up again.

"Somewhere in your past maybe?"

Sara slowly shook her head. "No, I don't think so…I don't know…" Now she felt really embarrassed.

After deciding that Sara was okay, Alex leaned back and grabbed her notebook again. "Don't worry about it. It's a defense mechanism of the human brain. When a traumatic topic is brought up, it often just switches off. It happens and I'm sure it'll happen again." Then she turned to Catherine. "If it happens it's important to work with your voice then. Try to talk her back. Physical contact is most of the time not a good idea, because the other person doesn't realize where she is in the beginning."

Catherine nodded. That sounded logical. So, talking it was the next time.

Sara felt really uncomfortable. This spacing out and having flashbacks was driving her nuts. She just wanted to stay in the present. That would be just fine with her. She took a deep breath and turned to Alex, her voice wavering. "Can I do something…against it?"

Alex nodded, while writing something down. "Yeah, you can. You can give your brain a chance to deal with everything. That means mostly talking."

Sara cringed. That wasn't what she wanted to hear – but somehow she expected it. Her reaction didn't go unnoticed by Alex.

"Don't worry, Sara. You have to realize that talking to a counselor doesn't always mean you have to reveal your deepest secrets. Often it is the small things that finally make you realize something about yourself. And that's often everything it takes." She held Sara's eyes for a few seconds, waiting until it looked like her message was understood. Then she tried to find a more comfortable position on the bench. "Well, where were we?"


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: Here's the next chapter. Thanks for all your reviews. And special thanks to Ace47 for beta-ing. Enjoy the chapter - and don't hesitate to tell me what you think! I'm happy about every review!!!!_**

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Chapter 29

Catherine and Sara ranted a bit more about Albert - and even Alex declared her disgust for the psychologist. Alex gave them her promise that she would make sure that he would pay for what he did. She also said that she would try to think of an idea to get back at Ecklie too. After all, they didn't have any evidence against the assistant lab director. It was their word against his and Albert's. And both CSIs knew that this wasn't worth much.

Afterwards Catherine told Alex some stories about their jobs as CSIs. They soon fell into an easy conversation. Even Sara joined them every now and then.

Alex smiled to herself. Sara looked more relaxed than before. It seemed that the brunette had slowly opened up and accepted her as a friend, not an enemy. Hopefully she could convince Sara to stay the rest of the week. Sooner or later they had to talk about that, but right now a little break seemed like a good idea.

As if on cue Sara's stomach growled. Alex and Catherine turned to her, smirking. Sara started to blush and looked away. "Sorry."

Alex smiled and put her notebook down. "How about we grab something for lunch? I'm totally with Sara's stomach. And during lunch I'll tell you about our plans for the rest of the day. How does that sound?"

The two CSIs immediately agreed and the women left for the restaurant.

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They were having lunch on the patio of the restaurant because Alex insisted that they should enjoy the good weather as long as possible. The menu wasn't big, but to Sara's delight there was also a vegetarian meal on it.

Sara was hungry – something she didn't realize before. She hadn't really eaten since the flight if you don't count the slice of toast Catherine forced her to eat this morning. Of course this wasn't that uncommon for her. If she was busy or under a lot of stress she often forgot to eat without even noticing it. And 'a lot of stress' was the right description for her current situation – at least until now. Sara had to admit that it seemed like Alex was good at what she was doing, because she felt a lot calmer than this morning and obviously her appetite was back.

The three women kept talking throughout their lunch, but Alex made sure that the topics stayed light. She didn't need anyone to choke on their food. Therefore they weren't talking about yesterday or the relationship between the two CSIs. Instead they discussed sports and vegetarians. When they had finished eating and were enjoying the warm sun and cool iced coffee, Alex decided that it was time to tell them about her plans for the rest of the day.

"I know that this seminar is about teamwork, but considering the circumstances I'd like to talk to each one of you alone. Maybe it's easier for you to address certain issues without the other one present."

Sara swallowed nervously at that.

"Look, I won't force anyone of you to talk about something special. I just want to give you a chance to get a few things off your mind, things you don't feel comfortable talking about right now. It doesn't have to do with yesterday. Maybe there are general things you'd like to talk about."

Catherine and Sara looked at each other. Was that a good idea or would it create more tension? They both had things they wanted to talk about – preferably without the other one present. But would it lead to further mistrust between them? Both CSIs were thinking along the same lines. After a good minute of weighing the pros and cons, they finally agreed to Alex suggestion.

"Great. Who wants to start?" To say Alex was relieved was an understatement. She hadn't expected them to hesitate that long in the first place.

Sara and Catherine looked at each other again. The blonde spoke up first. "You wanna go first?"

Sara thought about it, but finally shook her head. "No, go ahead. I think I … have to figure out first what I want to talk about."

Alex nodded. "That's fair enough." Then she turned to Catherine. "It's lunch time, so I think almost everyone will take a break and the park will be busy. Maybe we should talk inside this time. If that's okay with you …" When the older CSI nodded, Alex continued. "Your room is on the front side of the mansion, isn't it?" Again Catherine confirmed. "If you don't mind, I suggest we talk there. It should be cooler there than in the room they assigned to me." Then she turned to Sara. "Well, if you want to take a nap, we can also go somewhere else of course."

Sara shook her head vehemently. The last thing on her mind after her latest nightmare was sleep. "No way. No. No. I mean … thanks, but I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

Alex raised an eyebrow at Sara's behavior. She seemed to be … afraid to sleep. The psychologist made a mental note to bring this topic up later.

Sara rose from her seat. "Don't worry, take the room. I'll go for a walk.

That caused Catherine's head to snap in her direction, panic written all over the blondes face. "Sara …" She remembered very well what happened the last time her co-worker went for a walk.

Sara raised her left hand to cut Catherine off. "Don't worry, Catherine. I just want some space to think and this place is a nice change from Vegas."

When her older co-worker still looked anything but convinced, she sighed. "Does it help if I say that I won't do anything self-destructive this time?"

That caused Catherine to smile. "It would help if you would promise it."

Sara smirked. Then she sighed over dramatically. "Fine." She laid her left hand on her heart and added. "I promise." That earned her a smile from the blonde. Returning the smile, Sara turned to Alex. "When do you want me back?"

The psychologist looked at her watch? "It's 1 pm now. How about you come back around 2:30. I don't want to stretch that talk unnecessarily. If one of you decides that she has some other things to talk about, we can always talk again later. Our schedule is pretty much up to us."

Sara nodded. "Sounds fine to me. I see you then." Even if she was sure that she wouldn't take Alex up on her offer, because she didn't want to spend more time than necessary talking about herself. Talking about her relationship with Catherine sounded somewhat manageable, but talking about herself didn't hold any charm. Maybe she would come up with a good topic to talk about with Alex during her walk. First of all she had to get her thoughts in order.

The brunette wanted to put her chair back under the table, unconsciously grabbing it with both hands. Pain shot immediately through her whole arm. "Shit!" Sara gritted her teeth and tried to hold her hand as still as possible, hoping that the throbbing pain would stop again.

Alex and Catherine looked at her concerned. It was the psychologist who spoke up. "You know, we have a medical doctor here, too – for emergencies. You should let him check out your hand. It looks really serious. The next hospital is just about 30 minutes away, so it wouldn't be a problem to get you there."

Sara shook her head. A hospital was the last place she wanted to be in right now. Ever since she was a child she hated hospitals – and the doctors working in them. So she definitely wasn't going there, at least not voluntarily. "Don't worry. It's okay. It was just a bad movement. My hand is fine." The brunette put on her best smile to hide her pain.

Catherine switched immediately into mother-mode. "Sara, you should really let that doctor examine your hand. Maybe you did some serious damage. I mean, it really didn't look good this morning."

That comment caused Sara to smirk. "Hey, don't insult my hand. It's a pretty hand."

The older CSI rolled her eyes. Typical Sara!

The brunette continued. "And by the way, you were the one who bandaged it. So I'm sure I'll be okay." And before anyone could further object she was gone, leaving behind a head shaking Catherine and a smiling Alex.

"She's quite an interesting woman, isn't she?" The psychologist looked after Sara's retreating form then turned back to the other CSI.

Catherine couldn't help but smile back at Alex. "Yeah, that she is." But the smile was soon replaced by worry again.

Alex reached across the table and put her hand on Catherine's. "Hey, don't worry. Sara looked calm and collected. She'll be back." Of course she was following the conversation of the two women minutes before. The self-destructive-comment really made her curious. She figured it had something to do with Sara's hand. After all, Catherine was pretty nervous when Jennifer asked her about the bandaged hand last night – an indication that her answer might had not be true. Alex had a gut feeling that she would learn very soon what really happened to Sara. "Shall we?"

The blonde nodded and the two women headed for the room.


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N: Hey guys, time for an update! Thanks for your reviews. I'm really glad you like Alex.  
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ACertainJustice: I totally agree with you and Cath will also realise that in the next chapters. Her own issues will be discussed, maybe not today, but certainly tomorrow._

_Now enjoy the chapter and tell me what you think_**

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**Chapter 30**

Catherine slowly unlocked the door. They had walked in silence, Alex giving the CSI a chance to collect her thoughts.

When the door opened, Catherine stepped back and allowed Alex to enter the room first. Then she quietly closed the door and kicked her shoes off. Turning to Alex she said: "Well, try to get comfortable somewhere. If you want something to drink, the mini bar is full. Other than that I can't really offer you anything. Sorry."

Alex smiled at her. "Don't worry about it." Then she moved over to the couch and sat down. She placed her folder beside her, took her shoes off too, and tried to get comfortable.

Meanwhile Catherine flopped down on the bed, not really sure where to start. When she stayed silent, the psychologist finally spoke up.

"So, you wanna tell me how you feel about what happened yesterday?"

"No." Came the immediately reply.

Alex raised an eyebrow, silently asking her to go on.

Catherine moved back on the bed until she sat against the headboard. Once she found a comfortable position, she turned back to Alex. "I want to talk about Sara."

"Why? Don't you think that should be discussed with her?"

"You said you want to give us an opportunity to talk about things we'd normally feel uncomfortable talking about with the other one present." Catherine paused, looking for the right words. "I don't think I have a problem talking about yesterday and how Albert treated us when Sara is present."

"But you have a problem talking about Sara directly?" Alex asked.

Catherine sighed, again having difficulties putting her feelings into words. "I'm worried about her Alex, really worried. I learned a lot of things about her these last days that really scared me. I'm not disgusted or something like that – just concerned. And I'm not just talking about her past here. I'm sure … I fear that if I talk to her about those things then she will get upset and angry and I don't want that, but I can't leave these issues untouched either … so I really don't know what do." After a moment she added. "Do I make sense?"

"Yes, you do." Alex sent her a warm understanding smile. "So it looks basically like you have the same problem as your co-worker: You don't now how to behave around her…" The last sentence was more of a question than a statement.

Catherine ran a hand through her hair, not really sure what the answer was. "No. Yes. Probably." She sighed. "But as I said, it's not really about her past, but … her behavior."

Alex opened her notebook and started to take notes again. "Can you explain that?"

Now Catherine looked nervous. "You won't tell her I said that right? I mean, I don't want you to use that against her. I just want to know what to do…"

The psychologist smiled, nodding. "Don't worry. There is something called patient-doctor-confidentiality and I just want to help, so you have nothing to fear."

Catherine nodded. She grabbed a pillow, put it behind her head, and took a deep breath before starting. "Albert said something about her yesterday… He said that she was self-destructive. I think it was one of the few things he was right about."

Self-destructive. Somehow Alex knew that she would bring this topic up. It looked like her prediction was right after all. Now she was curious what Catherine would tell her. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, there is different evidence for that – at least I think it supports that…" Catherine trailed off. Was it fair to tell Alex all of that? Well, she seemed trustworthy and Sara needed help – something the blonde wasn't sure how to give. She took at deep breath. "Alcohol. She's drinking – a lot I think."

"Like last night?"

Catherine nodded, not really surprised that Alex knew about that. There were probably a lot of people who saw her and the condition she was in last night. "Yeah … I never saw her drunk before. It's not like she's coming drunk into work or something like that, but after last night I'm really worried. She told me she wanted to forget about the day … and in our line of work you have a lot of days you'd rather forget. I'm pretty sure she's doing that at home too, and that's not healthy. I really want to help her, but I don't know how to talk to her about it. Albert mentioned it and she just exploded, shouting that she wasn't an alcoholic." Catherine was rambling by now, but she just had to get it all out. "Don't get me wrong. I don't think that she is an alcoholic, but she told me herself that alcohol is a temporary solution for her problems – and in that amount it's just self-destructive. It has to have an effect on her life, her work, sooner or later. I tried to stop her last night, but to no avail. When she finally had enough, she could hardly walk anymore. And I was mad at her, but I also felt sorry for her." She turned to Alex, looking helpless. "Sorry, I'm just confused."

Alex smiled at her. "Don't worry, Catherine. Just try to get it all out. It really helps to clear the mind and then we make sense of it together, okay?"

Catherine nodded. She'd never expected to be so glad to have the chance to talk to a psychologist right now. "I know that she drank last night to erase every thought of yesterday from her mind. And it worked. She slept well 'till around two or three. That's when her nightmare started."

Alex was listening to Catherine with interest, writing down something in her notebook every now and then. She also made a mental note to ask about that nightmare later, but right now she didn't interrupted the CSI.

"Since last night, I can always see her in her apartment. Alone and passed out drunk after a hard shift, instead of talking to someone – to me! Why can't she just ask for help?" Catherine sighed frustrated.

After a minute of silence it seemed as Catherine had said what she wanted to say. Alex took that her cue to speak up. "You know a lot about her life now, don't you?"

The blonde nodded, shuddering as she thought about what Sara's childhood had to be like.

"For someone with Sara background it's understandable that she doesn't trust other people easily." Alex went on. "The ones she should have been able to trust always hurt her. I think she had to learn early to just rely on herself – without any help from others. And she survived with it until now, so she probably doesn't see a reason to change her behavior. My guess: she got into trouble when she showed weakness and asked for help with something. So she's just protecting herself. Don't blame her for it." The psychologist waited a few seconds to let her words sink in, then she continued. "As for the alcohol … Everyone tries to escape life every now and then. What do you do after a hard case?"

Catherine thought about the question. It wasn't a really hard one. "I try to spent time with my daughter."

Alex nodded. "We all have a special way to unwind after tough or traumatic events. Of course alcohol is the wrong solution. I'm not going to defend that, but it's an understandable behavior. Especially if someone she was close to once maybe showed her that this is a possibility to forget your sorrows."

"Her parents?" Came Catherine's suggestion.

The psychologist shrugged. "Maybe. Once you start, it's hard to stop. You don't necessarily feel the need to drink all the time, but when you are under stress it's the first thing on your mind."

That made Catherine think about her own addiction – or better ex-addiction: cocaine. She was over it now, but she still remembered very well how she felt back then and why she did it – for the same reasons Alex just mentioned.

Alex noticed her distant look. "You know what I'm talking about?"

The blonde looked up to meet Alex eyes. She thought about denying it, but figured that there really was no point for it. "There was a time when a certain white powder was my best friend, but that's long ago. Still, I know what you're talking about."

That was something that Alex didn't read about in Albert's file. So it was most likely not common knowledge. "Maybe you can use that to talk to Sara. That is, if you are willing to share it. It's easier to accept help from someone who was in a similar position than from someone who has no idea how you feel. And you can gain her trust by telling her something about you that not everybody knows."

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Sara was walking down a little path through the forest. This time she paid attention to her surroundings, determined not to get lost like yesterday, but soon her mind started to wander.

What would Catherine talk about? Sara didn't like the answer her mind came up with: her. She couldn't stand it when people talked about her. The brunette tried to tell herself that Catherine and Alex were trying to help her, but that didn't take the uneasy feeling in her stomach away. Help… yeah, she wanted help – at least kind of. Sara didn't know why, but accepting help was … scary.

The CSI sighed. Worrying about her general situation wasn't going to help her now. She should better start thinking about what she wanted to talk about with Alex. She had a lot of issues and therefore a big pool to choose from – that much was clear. Sara thought about it for a moment and came to the conclusion that right now she had to figure out how to face Catherine, how to talk to her without feeling totally awkward. Maybe Alex could really help her to get a few of her emotions in order. But what difference could talking for an hour or two make? It seemed like a drop in the ocean. And after their little talk she had to make the decision whether to stay or not. And if she really decided to stay she needed to know how to face her co-worker. Most likely she wouldn't know that by tonight… Why did her life always have to be a mess?

Maybe she could avoid Catherine somehow, because Sara was sure she couldn't be in a room with her alone right now. With Alex present she had some kind of buffer, but without her … Maybe she could do something about the sleeping arrangements, at least for tonight. Dr. Waters seemed ready to do anything to save her ass and 'her' seminar, so she could probably arrange another room. It was worth a shot. If she could get another room, she would stay. If not: goodbye Louisiana, goodbye Las Vegas.

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_A/N: Next chapter Cathrine will fight an inner battle about whether to brake a promise or not and Sara is once again plagued by worries. So stay tuned ;-)_


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N: Here comes the next chapter. When I started writing I never ever thought that this would turn into something that long ... I really hope I'll manage to finish it one day )_

_Erin: Happy belated birthday! I hope I'm not too late with my 'present' ;-)  
__Keepix: Wow, thanks for all the compliments 'lol'. I'm really glad you like my story. I think big part from "my good english" is to blame on Ace47, my beta, who's correcting all my grammar mistakes. I probably don't make as many as in the beginning, but I know I still make them. But thanks anyway!!!  
__GreenAlpace: I know that you don't like to hear that, but I'm very very certain that this is just about friendship :-) Of course it's up to your imagination what happens to them after the seminar ... I'm really glad you like the way I characterize their feelings and their interaction. It's not always easy, but good to hear that I'm doing okay!_

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Chapter 31

Catherine was lying on her stomach, her head resting comfortably on her folded arms, facing Alex. The psychologist had got herself an orange juice from the mini bar and was now stretched out on the couch, sipping at her drink. They had discussed Sara's nightmares and her flashbacks from yesterday. Alex gave her a few tips how to approach Sara in such a situation. The bottom line was that Catherine should use her voice rather than her hands. No physical contact – something she wasn't happy about. The blonde had always been a touchy-feely person and when Sara fought against her demons, she just wanted to hug her.

But Alex also told her seek physical contact with Sara every now and then, something simple like a pat on the shoulder. Just to make her clear that not every touch meant pain. It would take some time for the brunette to get used to it, but it was important. Alex had told her a few times that she had to make sure not to catch her by surprise though. Catherine had promised to do her best.

Now the blonde CSI was lying here and fighting an inner battle about whether to tell Alex about Sara's cutting or not. Would that be a betrayal of Sara's trust? After all she told her co-worker yesterday morning that she wouldn't tell anyone. On the other hand … this was a serious topic – like Sara's little accident with the tree. The brunette had the potential to really hurt herself and Catherine saw often enough in her line of work where this could lead to. But did that justify breaking her promise?

Alex pulled her out of her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

Catherine looked up, sending the psychologist a weak smile. She thought about making an excuse, but finally decided against it. "When is it justified to break a promise?"

Alex immediately turned serious at that question. "That's a good question. I'm often thinking about it myself. You know, I'm bound to the patient-doctor-confidentiality. Often I want to reach out to the people around my patient and tell them what's going on and how they can help. But I can't. Sometimes I want to believe that it would make things easier – and in some cases it probably would, but it could also totally backfire, because my patient would feel betrayed. And the trust that was built up over a long period is suddenly gone from one moment to the next. I could never risk something like that." She paused for a second, looking for the right words to say. "Life isn't always easy, Catherine. Most of the time we have to make a detour to finally reach our destination and there is often something good behind it, even if we don't see it in the beginning."

Catherine nodded slowly, taking in what Alex just told her. She had promised Sara not to tell anyone about the cutting. Alex was right. If she broke that promise the brunette would probably never trust her again – and she couldn't risk that. So what was she supposed to do? Maybe she could get her point about Sara being self-destructive otherwise communicated. "You are right. Breaking promises is not good." Catherine stayed silent for a minute, then – out of the blue – asked. "Why do people hurt themselves?"

Alex wasn't surprised at all by that question. It just made her curious. "Does this have something to do with Sara's hand?" She would like an answer, but she also didn't want Catherine to break any promises. "If you promised … "

The blonde interrupted her by shaking her head. "No, I didn't promise her anything about that." Catherine sighed, not really sure what she should tell. "God, I'm just worried and I don't know how to help her. Sara didn't fall like I told you last night. After the session with Albert she ran off into the forest to cool down and she had – like she called it – a run-in with a tree. My guess is that she just lost it and hit the tree. She was really angry when she left and for a second I even feared that Albert's "she-is-a-ticking-bomb" lecture was maybe true after all and that she would hurt me – so I let her go, but as soon as she was gone, I immediately regretted it. I was scared that she might do something stupid, something …"

"Self-destructive?" Alex offered, citing Catherine's earlier words.

The blonde CSI nodded. "I think that's what I'm worried about the most – like right now, when she's running around out there again. I fear that one day, all the pain inside of her will become too much und instead of asking for help she will do something really desperate."

Alex stayed silent, thinking about the right words for Catherine. The topic was serious, no question. She took a deep breath to get her thoughts in order. "What do you expect from Sara during this seminar?"

Catherine looked up puzzled. She had expected a few standard-lines from the psychologist. But where did that question come from? "What do you mean?" She really couldn't picture where this was going.

Alex elaborated. "What do you think Sara has to work on? What should she change about herself during your stay? What are her major problems?"

What should Sara do? Catherine thought about the question for a moment. Well, that wasn't that hard. "She should try to overcome her fears – or at least some of them. She should not be afraid to ask for help and she should not be afraid of how I might treat her in the future."

"But you'll treat her differently." The psychologist reasoned. "You are her superior. I'm sure every time a certain type of case comes up, you'll think about how it'll affect Sara and if she's really capable of working the case. If she works the case anyway then you'll probably monitor her very closely and ask her all the time if she is okay."

Catherine sat up on the bed, anger written on her face. "That's not true. I wouldn't treat her differently than before. I wouldn't do such things."

Alex looked at her disbelievingly, but said nothing. The CSI glared at her, but Alex easily held her gaze. After a few seconds Catherine sighed, obviously admitting defeat.

"Okay, maybe I would do some of those things. But that's just because I'm worried about her!" The blonde ran a hand through her hair. She now felt more unsure than she had before. Great!

"You fear for her health, her well-being, her sanity. I understand that." Alex said, giving Catherine some more time to think, before speaking up again. "Sara isn't the only one who has to overcome fears Catherine. You have to stop worrying so much. Sure, being worried is good to a certain extent and I truly think that Sara needs someone to look out for her, but don't over do it."

Catherine wanted to protest, but Alex went on. "You need to give her space, space to realize her own mistakes. You can't monitor her 24/7, because you fear that she maybe probably eventually some day will do something stupid. Honestly, do you really think that if Sara wanted to take her own life, you would be able to stop her?"

Catherine's shoulders slumped forward in defeat. Right now Alex was definitely not helping.

But the psychologist wasn't done yet. "You want her to get control of her fears? Try the same. I won't tell you that everything will be okay after just this week. That would be a lie I'm not going to tell you. There is a long road in front of both of you and you'll both make mistakes. Of course you'll have to talk about what happened during this seminar – you can't avoid that. And no question, you'll get angry at each other, and probably scream at each other, but the important thing is, that in the end each one of you will realize that you made a mistake and you'll both apologize. That's the way life works. It's the way a friendship works."

For her final statement Alex softened her tone. "Give her some space to make her own decisions. Make sure she doesn't feel like you're imposing your will on her. Then, when she needs help, when she needs a friend, she will eventually come to you, because she will realize that you trust her with her job and that you don't try to control her. She will come to the conclusion that you are worth her trust and finally come to you. Right now YOU need to trust HER. I think Sara is trying to change and if she says for example that she won't do something stupid you have to believe in her word and not question her. Trust needs two people – and I don't think that either one of you has an easy time with that."

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Her good intentions of not to get lost again, had been soon forgotten, because the minute she had started thinking about what had happened in the last few hours and what will happen in the next few she had totally forgotten her surroundings. It seemed that this forest was jinxed though, because no matter how much Sara thought she had gotten lost she always got back to the mansion somehow. She wasn't really sure if it was a good or bad thing.

This time she came back through the park – and she was even on time or better hardly late. It was 2:30 now and it would probably take about ten more minutes until she reached the room, but Sara figured that it was an acceptable delay. But that was just her opinion, so she quickened her pace – she really didn't need another psychologist who was mad at her.

When she walked on the patio of the restaurant, she was greeted with an unexpected sight. Sitting at one of the tables was Catherine, obviously already finished with her little chat and now enjoying the sun and drinking what looked like another iced coffee.

Suddenly Sara was nervous again – really nervous. Somehow she had managed to avoid that feeling during her walk, but seeing her co-worker brought all her doubts and fears back. What had Catherine told Alex? She was still convinced that she was the topic.

Did she tell the psychologist about the cuts? She had promised not to, but would she stick to that? Sara knew that she wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it with Alex – at least not right now.

Should she approach Catherine and ask her about it or should she spare them both another awkward moment? Maybe she could sneak into the building. After all her co-worker seemed to have her eyes closed and wasn't aware of her yet. But again the luck left her as Catherine turned around and spotted her. "Hey, Sara."

The brunette stopped and put her best smile on. Avoiding each other was childish anyway. "Hey, how did it go?"

Catherine shrugged. "I guess it went okay. Alex is good. I really like her way of working. She made me realize some important things."

Sara nodded and tried to read the other woman's face, but failed. She also didn't really know what else to say. Part of her was tempted to ask what she had talked about, but she was too afraid of the answer, so the brunette just shrugged. "Well, I'm late, so I better get going. Is Alex still in our room?"

"Yeah." That was all Sara needed. She turned around and headed for the restaurant.

Catherine had immediately noticed that Sara was nervous. Her co-worker was probably worried about what she had told Alex. She was really glad now, that she didn't tell the psychologist about the cuts. It just wasn't her place. Maybe Sara would do it on her own. But should she tell her that she didn't break her promise? Was Sara even thinking about this special issue? Was it a good idea to bring it up now or would it make her more nervous? Why was she worrying again?

Sara was almost inside, when Catherine finally made up her mind. "Sara?"

The brunette stopped and turned around, looking at Catherine.

"I … I didn't tell her about … you know … I promised you I wouldn't and I do my best to stick to my promises." When a shadow of relief crossed Sara face Catherine knew that it was a good idea to mention it. As a reward she got a weak smile and a quiet 'thanks', then her co-worker vanished into the building.

'You have to stop worrying so much.' Alex's words still echoed in her mind. "I try." Catherine said quietly to herself. Then she leaned back again in her chair, closing her eyes and enjoying the sun.

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_A/N: If have no idea if I do make sense with what I write. I think I should have studied psychology to do this right - instead of information systems :-) So, lets all pretend that a real psychologist would say something like that, okay?  
Next chapter you'll find out whether Sara will really show up and talk with Alex or if she will run away again._


	32. Chapter 32

_A/N: You guys are just amazing! Thank you so much for reading and for leaving all those lovely reviews. There is nothing that could turn writing into something more enjoyable than getting those little emails with your comments (So yeah, I'm more than happy that the alert system is working again)._

_Enjoy the chapter!_**

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**Chapter 32**

Sara had been standing in front of the door for a good minute now. Why the hell did she feel so nervous? Alex didn't want to hurt her – she just wanted to help. That was what she had tried to tell herself for the last half hour, but unfortunately she couldn't really convince herself.

Catherine's statement about her promise had really reassured her, so why was she still standing out here instead of being in there? Maybe because she didn't know whether she should knock or not. After all it was their room, so did she have knock? Okay, that was probably one of the most stupid excuses she could come up with. Sara sighed.

Ten minutes ago she wanted to avoid Catherine and now she was wondering why she felt less nervous all morning with the blonde at her side. Why was everything so confusing? Sara shook her head and opened the door.

Alex was still sitting on the couch, reading, with a serious expression on her face. Sara stopped. She had a pretty good idea what Alex was reading about – her past.

The brunette tried to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. Was she really ready for that? For another talk? For more pity looks? Didn't they already mess enough with her mind? Sara thought about turning back around and leaving, but again luck wasn't on her side.

"I won't bite, you know?" So much for running away unnoticed. Sara turned around and looked at Alex who was smirking at her, obviously very aware of her intentions. She sighed and closed the door.

Alex took in the woman before her. Obviously Sara had used the last hour to think or better to worry about everything and created a few horror scenarios about this conversation. She was tense again, her body language was defensive. Sara Sidle was definitely a challenge.

Fortunately Alex had finished her little chat with Catherine twenty minutes earlier than planned and Sara was late. That had given her enough time to read Albert's file and all the gruesome details from Sara's childhood. Considering how she grew up, the brunette had really made something out of her life. She'd came this far, but was obviously struggling now to hold it all together.

Reading almost every detail about Sara's life made her sad – and really mad at Albert. Catherine was right before when she said that Albert had information about them to which he shouldn't have access at all. But that bastard had not just dug everything up, he had also used it against her and for that he had to pay.

Alex truly hoped that Sara would start talking about something on her own, but considering the fact that she just wanted to run away it was unlikely. Maybe she could start with some small talk and then slowly approach some issues. "How's your hand?"

Sara was still standing at the door. The confusion about Alex' question was written all over her face. "Why do you care? It's not like it has anything to do with my past or my relationship with Catherine." She sounded harsher than she had intended to, but she just hated it when people who didn't even know her pretended to care about things that were not their business anyway.

Alex shook her head sadly. "Why is it so hard for you to accept that someone else might care about you?"

Sara snorted. "You have the answer literally in your hands." Was her sarcastic reply.

The psychologist sighed. This really wasn't the good start she had planned. "Sara, times have changed. You aren't that helpless little girl anymore and – even more important – you finally have people around you who really care about you, about how you feel. You just have to let them. From my professional experience I know that this isn't easy, but you have to try Sara."

Sara thought about snapping back, but what would it be worth? The sad thing was that Alex was right. She couldn't understand why people cared about her, because no one had ever done that. But was Alex right? Had times really changed? She went over to the bad and sat down, thinking.

Alex had expected Sara to fight back, to start some kind of argument, but to her surprise the brunette remained silent. Alex hoped that she had thought about her words and maybe realized the truth in them. To give the brunette a chance to collect her thoughts, she stayed silent and waited for Sara to start.

After a few minutes of silence Sara finally spoke up. "It's okay." Her voice was barley above a whisper.

Now it was Alex turn to look confused. What was okay?

Sara sent her a weak smile. "My hand." She explained. "It's okay. It doesn't hurt as much as it did in the morning."

Alex smiled back at her. Well, that was a beginning. "It's good to hear that."

The CSI let herself fall back on the bed. Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling when she asked the question that was dominating her thoughts. "What did you and Catherine talk about?" Sara figured Alex wouldn't tell that anyway, but she could at least try. Maybe she would find the right questions to ask the psychologist along the way.

There was a small smile tucking at Alex lips when she answered. "Ever heard of something called patient-doctor-confidentiality?" Sara didn't sound like she was seriously expecting an answer to her question anyway.

Sara replied, still looking at the ceiling. "Yep, heard of it." But in the same beat she asked. "Did you talk about me? Oh…let me rephrase that: What did you talk about me?"

Alex shook her head. "You aren't being fair, Sara. Catherine is worried about you." When the brunette didn't react, Alex continued. "I think Catherine has issues too. For example her marriage or her relationship with her daughter. But as soon as I wanted to go deeper into those topics, she always told me that right now she was too worried about you to talk about something else. She wanted to know how to behave around you and how to make you feel better or at least how to not make things worse."

Sara cringed inwardly. Why did she have to ask? Now she started to feel guilty.

"She said if I think it's necessary to talk about those things, we could do it later when you are present too. She wouldn't mind that." Alex figured she could try to reach Sara's conscience. Maybe that would get her somewhere. "But she was afraid to talk about you with you present. She said she wanted to help you, but she was afraid to cause you anymore pain."

She waited for Sara's reaction, but none came. That made her a bit angry. "Don't you have anything to say to that?"

The CSI turned on her stomach to face her. "What do you want me to say?"

Alex looked at her disbelievingly. "I don't know. What ever is on your mind, but say something. How do you feel about Catherine feeling like that? How do you feel about Catherine at all? How do you want Catherine to behave around you? I think you have enough things to talk about."

Sara let out a long sigh and turned back on her back, facing the ceiling again. Alex was ready to give the brunette more food for thought when she finally spoke up.

"I'm confused. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life."

They psychologist nodded at the admission. "Why are you confused?"

"Because I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Wait … let me rephrase that. I know what I'm feeling; it just changes all the time." Sara struggled for the right words to express her thoughts. "These last days … I think I felt anything possible and sometimes I feel more things at the same time and it's all just confusing and frustrating."

Alex picked her notebook up and started to write things down again. "What do you feel?"

Again Sara took a moment to answer. "When I first heard about this seminar I was angry. Then I thought it was a chance to deal with some of my issues and then I got scared like hell. And those mood swings haven't changed since then. A lot of the time since we have been here I was angry at Catherine and wanted to avoid her at any cost. That's especially what I've feel since yesterday. But when she's not there I feel kind of lonely. And when she's there and, for example, gives me a hug I feel safe at first, but suddenly I start to panic and go right back to avoiding her. Before I came here I met her in the park and it was just awkward. I don't know how to behave around her anymore and I think she has the same problem. Does that all make any sense to you?" When Sara finished her rambling, she took a deep breath to fill her empty lungs with air again.

"Yes, it does make sense." Relief crossed Sara's face at Alex' words. "A part of you wants help, wants to change things, and wants to accept Catherine. But there is also another part that can't let go of the past and is suspicious at everything and everyone."

That statement earned Alex a glare from the CSI. "Great. Are you telling me I'm schizophrenic?"

The psychologist couldn't help but smile. "No Sara, I think you are perfectly sane."

Sara rolled her eyes and stood up, walking over to one of the windows and opening it. Without looking at the other woman she answered. "Don't exaggerate it."

This time Alex couldn't help but laugh. "Sara you aren't crazy. Trust me with that. There is a difference between being crazy and being confused. I actually think it's good that you feel that way." Now Sara looked at her like she had grown a second head, so she tried to explain further. "You want help, Sara. A part of you is already ready to accept help. And that's worth a lot. You still have a long way before you, but you're on the right track – and I think that's good."

The CSI slowly nodded, taking her time to analyze Alex words. She thought about a reply, but couldn't find a suitable one, so she stayed silent and looked lost in thought out of the window.

Alex took that as a good sign. She obviously managed to get through to Sara. Maybe she could push some more. "I guess you are used to doing things alone, but I'm sure it will be easier with someone at your side. Catherine is offering her help and I think you should take it. I have the feeling that you two can make this work. I can just tell you what I also told Catherine. You have to overcome your fears. That means that you sometimes have to do things you don't want to do. You have to change your behavior. You have to start accepting help and don't take everything someone says personally and as an offense. You two also have the characteristic in common that you are straight forward and always ready to fight. Maybe you have to learn again to control your temper and not just snap back when you feel like it."

Sara absentmindedly ran a hand through her hair. Alex had known them for a few hours now and she already KNEW them, understood them. That was scary. And her solution also sounds scary, somehow simple, but still scary as hell.

"I know I want a lot from you. I'm very aware of that. But you are not alone, not right now. As long as you are here, let me be your guide. Maybe I can give you a few tips for the future. I truly think you two can make that work."

Sara turned to Alex, looking unsure. "You think so?"

The psychologist put her best smile on to reassure the brunette. "Yeah, I truly do." Then she added teasingly. "And stop doing that." When Sara looked puzzled at her, Alex explained. "Stop questioning everything. Just accept it okay?"

Sara smiled back, nodding. "I'll try."

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_A/N: Next chapter: Sara will make her decision whether to stay or to leave - and it won't go the way she expected it._


	33. Chapter 33

_A/N: This time I have nothing to say ... besides THANK YOU for reading and reviewing ;-)_**

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**Chapter 33**

Catherine was still sitting on the patio. She tried her best to follow Alex advice and stop worrying so much, but it was easier said than done. The more she concentrated on not worrying, the more she worried. The blonde closed her eyes, trying to relax, but her mind came up with the most unpleasant pictures.

Sara passed out drunk.

Sara's bloody hand.

Sara with a razor.

Catherine sighed. She needed something to occupy her mind. Right now she regretted that she didn't take Alex up on her offer to talk about some of her own problems. Like that she would have something else to think about right now, maybe Lindsey or something like that.

Lindsey. Catherine knew that she had to make sure to talk to Alex about her daughter. Their relationship was more than strained lately. Maybe Alex could give her some tips how to break down the wall that had formed between them. She hated that she could hardly talk with Lindsey anymore.

Unfortunately for the CSI, her mind again wandered back to Sara. Right now at this moment her relationship with her co-worker seemed to be a more acute topic. Their last meeting about thirty minutes ago was kind of awkward. It was obvious that neither woman knew what to say. The blonde really hoped that Alex would manage to help them to communicate again, because the idea of Sara leaving Vegas because of her was really killing Catherine.

xxxxxxx

Sara had gotten a lecture about bottled up emotions and what they can cause. She felt like a little girl who had gotten reprimanded when Alex told her that it was a lot smarter to talk about problems instead of hitting innocent trees. The psychologist really made her feel bad - which was probably a good thing.

Looking back at it, it wasn't really a lecture, at least not one like Grissom or Catherine would give her about too much working and not enough sleeping and eating. Alex was more subtle and made her figure out some things by herself. She encouraged her to think about what she had done and the consequences. Like that Sara couldn't just ignore it, like she did so often with her two superiors.

They had also chatted about her nightmares, even if it wasn't very long, due to the fact that Sara didn't remember anything from her dreams. Something she was really glad about. When Catherine had told her what she had mumbled during those dreams, she actually had a pretty good idea about what it could have been. Especially last night scared her. If Catherine understood her correctly she was dreaming about the McKeatons and that was something she hadn't done in a long time. Damn Albert! Sara really wished she would have punched him instead of the tree. At least then the satisfaction would justify the pain.

Fortunately Alex didn't deepen the issue of her nightmares. She just labeled it more evidence for her bottled-up-emotions theory. Sara knew that she wasn't ready to talk about what happened at a certain foster home. Actually those were things she never wanted to talk about to anyone.

Right now they probably only had one of the real tough topics left - and Sara and Alex both knew it: the question whether Sara would stay the week or leave had yet to be answered.

Two possible scenarios had formed in the investigator's head. In the first one, she would leave today. Sara had to admit that she had probably calmed down enough to give her life in Vegas a second chance. If it wouldn't work out there, she could still leave the city. Unfortunately she was very sure that it wouldn't work out.

The second scenario meant that Sara had to stay for the rest of the week, something that didn't sound too bad. Catherine was right before. Alex was really good at what she was doing and to Sara's surprise they got along. So the psychologist could probably really help. But Sara still had that one condition that had to be fulfilled before she agreed to stay. Even after her talk with Alex she wasn't ready to spend the night with Catherine in one bed. She needed some space to breathe and to think about everything that happened - alone. That meant if another room could be arranged, Sara was willing to stay. But how would she communicate that to Alex and Catherine?

As if reading her mind, Alex spoke up. "Did you make your decision about staying the rest of the week?"

Sara sighed. Maybe Alex would understand her after all. "I told you that I needed some space."

The psychologist nodded, not liking the beginning at all. It sounded like 'I'm leaving' in gentle words.

The brunette went on. "I also told you that I felt totally awkward being around Catherine when it's just the two of us." When she noticed that Alex wanted to speak up, she raised her hand to stop her. "I know you told me that I have to overcome my fears. And that's a great plan, but I don't think I can do that today. You said yourself that I'm still upset and that my mind needs to settle first - and I totally agree with you."

Alex raised an eyebrow. Was Sara now using her own words against her? She had really hoped that the CSI had already made the decision to stay. Considering how their conversation had gone so far, the psychologist was really optimistic. Now she wasn't so sure anymore.

Again Sara continued. "To cut to the point: I don't think I can share a room with Catherine. Not right now. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but not right now. I want my own room for the night. Dr. Waters said she would do anything to get us stay. I'm sure she can organize a room for me. If I get one, I'll stay. I know this probably sounds like blackmail, but right now I really don't want to share a bed with Catherine."

Alex looked at her, not sure if she should be relieved that Sara considered to stay at all or worried that she didn't want to be alone with Catherine. The interesting question was: Was this a reasonable decision or was Sara just running away? Maybe she could get some more information out of the brunette. "You don't want to be alone with her right now?"

Sara nodded, now almost looking ashamed.

"So ... if the three of us could do some more talking after we finished here and maybe have dinner together, that would be okay for you?"

Sara ran a hand through her hair, while answering. "Yeah. Look, I don't know why it is like that ... but it just is." She sounded almost desperate.

Alex tried to calm her. "It's okay, Sara. I accept your decision. I'm just trying to understand you a bit better."

Sara took a deep breath and tried to calm down again. All she wanted to do was fall in a bed tonight - alone. Would she have nightmares? Most likely, but at home she was always alone and until now she had always survived her nightmares. So that shouldn't be a problem.

When the CSI didn't respond, Alex spoke up again. "I don't mind spending time with the two of you. I honestly think it's a good idea that we spend time together, but can you explain to me why exactly you don't want to share a room with Catherine?" Before Sara could answer she added. "I mean, you normally don't have to talk at night - you sleep. So, what is the problem?"

Sara thought about it. Alex had a point, but still ... "It would be awkward and I wouldn't get any sleep."

"Why?"

Sara sighed. Did that woman need an explanation for everything? "Because I would try to not fall asleep so I couldn't have another nightmare like last night and the night before."

"You would rather be alone when you wake up scared and shaking instead of being with a friend? May I remind you that you fell asleep in Catherine's arms both nights?"

Now the questions started to get annoying. "Yeah, I'm rather be alone. At least like that I wouldn't have to worry."

"About what?"

Sara glared at Alex, more than unhappy about the interrogation. But did she know the answer to Alex question? About what was she worried? Right. "Catherine told you what happened last night. What if it happens again? ... What if I hurt her?"

Alex couldn't help but smile at that. However, the CSI didn't see anything amusing. "Why the hell are you smiling?"

Alex answered, still smiling. "Because you care." When Sara looked just puzzled at her, she explained further. "You really care about Catherine. You don't want to hurt her. I think that's worth a lot. And I think that your argument is reasonable and you don't just run away."

Sara sighed relieved. "So, you'll talk to Dr. Waters?"

The psychologist shook her head. "No, that would be pointless."

Sara looked at her disbelievingly. Didn't she just say that it was okay to be alone one night? Before she managed to ask a question, Alex spoke up. "There are no other rooms left. I can tell you that for sure."

Okay, so much for her plan. Sara panicked. What was she supposed to do now? She jumped up and started pacing the room - to Alex's amusement.

The psychologist watched her for a little while before finally speaking up. "But ..."

That got Sara's attention immediately and she stopped pacing. "But?"

"We could switch rooms. I have a room for myself and if you and Catherine agree I would agree to switch with you for tonight." Alex made sure to emphasize the last word.

Sara nodded, her heart rate slowly calming down again. "Sounds good to me."

"Under one condition."

Sara cringed. She had feared that there's a rub in it.

"I want you to tell it to Catherine and I want you to tell her why. I'll be there with you, but you'll have to do it."

Sara's eyes went wide. "What?!" That part wasn't included in her original plan.

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_A/N: Everything is fine so far. They both try. Will there be a twist in the story? Sure - but it will happen when you don't expect it ;-)  
I've already planed some more drama, but for now I'll keep it smooth. _

_Next chapter? Well, Alex will pull Sara directly to Catherine ... so ... stay tuned!_


	34. Chapter 34

_A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to update. I was busy lately, my beta was busy lately - you do the math! _

_Thanks again for all your lovley reviews. It really makes me happy to hear from so many different persons that my writing has improved "smilingproudly" ;-)_

_Enjoy the chapter!!!!_**

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Chapter 34

Alex and Sara found Catherine in the park. She was lying in the grass, obviously trying to get some rest. The psychologist immediately moved over to the blonde, only to realize after a few steps that Sara wasn't beside her. She turned around to find that the CSI hadn't moved at all and was still standing on the gravel walk looking nervous. Alex rolled her eyes. The brunette was definitely not getting out of this! She walked back to Sara, grabbed her arm and pulled the woman after her.

Sara didn't want to do this. She knew that telling Catherine that she didn't want to share the room with her anymore – and if it even was just for one night – would hurt the feelings of her older co-worker. But considering the fact that staying with Catherine would probably mean hurting her physically, it still sounded like a good idea. However, no matter what she did, it would always end with Catherine getting hurt and that really bothered her.

Sara knew exactly why she hardly had any friends. She was just too messed up. Why was Alex forcing her to do this? The psychologist could have certainly found better and gentler words to explain the situation than Sara could have ever come up with. She just wasn't a people person. But before she really realized what was going on, she was suddenly pulled down and landed ungracefully on her ass. She turned immediately to Alex, who sat down beside her, and glared at her. But before she managed to give the psychologist a piece of her mind, Catherine also sat up.

"Hey you two." The blonde sent them a smile.

She looked like she was half asleep – and Sara couldn't blame her for it. After all it was her who had kept Catherine up most of the night and it was her who had forced Catherine to sleep on the floor instead of the comfortable bed. And now she was basically going to tell her that she didn't want to be in the same room as the blonde. Great! A great friend she was.

Catherine looked from Alex, who was smiling and looking satisfied, to Sara who seemed like she would rather be somewhere else. "How did it go?"

Alex answered first. "It went fine. We talked and I think we managed to settle a few things."

The blonde CSI nodded. That sounded good. So what was up with Sara? But before she managed to ask her co-worker, Alex spoke up again.

"It's safe to say that you both have to work on yourselves. You let fears dominate your life. You need to realize that you have to take a chance every now and then. That means you'll also have to do things you're probably not comfortable doing. And – most importantly – you have to learn to talk to each other. Try to explain your emotions, explain what made you make a certain decision. I know it'll be hard in the beginning, but I also know it'll get easier with time."

Alex turned to Sara, silently indicating her that it was now her turn to talk, but the brunette didn't feel like talking at all. When the CSI turned away and remained silent, Alex sighed. Well, then she had to push a little bit. "Catherine, Sara wants to tell you something." That earned her a glare from Sara and a surprised look from Catherine.

Curious about what was going on, Catherine turned to Sara. "You do?"

Alex had a smug look on her face, obviously satisfied with her work. She leaned back and looked into the sky, giving the two CSIs a chance to talk.

Sara sighed. Why was she doing this again? Right. Trust and friendship were the magical words. But how could she tell Catherine without hurting her too much??? Maybe she could find the right words … to hell with it. The more she waited the more nervous she became. She had to get it out now or she was probably not say anything at all. "Well … I know you won't like this, but …"

"You decided to leave?" Catherine interrupted. "Come on, Sara. I know this can work. We can make this work."

The brunette shook her head. "No, I didn't decide to leave." After a pause she added. "At least not yet. Actually it depends on you whether I stay or not."

That earned her a puzzled look from Catherine. Sara closed her eyes for a second and then started to explain. "I need some space." But again the right words left her. Why was it easier to talk to Alex? This wasn't fair.

When Sara remained silent, Catherine looked at Alex for an explanation or at least a hint about what this was about, but the psychologist just shrugged. She obviously wasn't going to get an answer from her, so she turned back to Sara.

When the brunette finally spoke up again, she looked everywhere but at Catherine. "I told you before that I'm not sure anymore how to behave around you."

"Sara, I …" Before Catherine interrupted further, Alex stopped her.

"Please don't interrupt her, Catherine."

The blonde nodded. "Sorry."

Sara took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She just had to say it. She just had to say it!!! "As I said, I feel a bit awkward around you right now, but I'm willing to work on that."

Catherine sighed relieved. That sounded good so far. So where was the problem?

"I just think I need some time alone for that. What I'm trying to say is that we" Sara gestured between herself and Alex. "came up with a solution for that. Alex and I'll swap rooms tonight and I wanted to know if this was okay with you." The brunette held her breath. Now it was out.

Catherine was stunned. Was she that bad? Could Sara really not stand to be alone with her anymore?

Sara saw the pain in Catherine's face, which immediately made her feel horrible. Alex also saw it, but she remained silent. Instead she sent the brunette a do-something-look. Sara looked back at her helplessly, but the psychologist still stayed silent.

Sara knew that she had to say something – she just hoped she wouldn't make it worse. "Look, Catherine, I know how this must sound…but this is not about you. It's about me – me and my fears. Most of my life I had to deal with my problems alone. That's what I'm used to. Just give me tonight to calm down and get my thoughts in order – and don't be mad at me. Please?"

When Catherine didn't react, Alex turned to Sara. "Didn't you want to say something else? Explain your reasons in a bit more detail?"

Sara glared at her. She hated talking about feelings and the last part had already been hard enough for her. Couldn't they just leave it here? Just wanting to be alone was a great explanation! Unfortunately Alex glared just back at her, making clear that she wasn't getting away so easily.

Catherine didn't know if she really wanted to hear more from Sara. She felt hurt. She probably shouldn't, but she did.

Finally Sara gave up. "I'm probably going to have a nightmare tonight."

Now the blonde CSI was confused. "Then why would you want to be alone?"

"Because I could hurt you." Sara's answer was barley above a whisper.

Catherine wasn't sure if she heard correctly. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. "What?"

Sara sighed. "I could hurt you. If I freak again like you told me I did last night, I could seriously hurt you – and that's the last thing I want. I have nightmares all the time at home – alone. I'll be fine. Don't worry…I just need this night for myself."

The older CSI was touched. Sara seemed to care about her after all. And if Alex supported that idea then it couldn't be that bad right? Catherine felt still hurt, but also relieved at the same time. And this sleeping arrangement was just for this night, wasn't it? Tomorrow they were able to share a room again. It wasn't that she couldn't live without Sara in her bed, but she felt simply better if she knew that Sara was soundly asleep and not fighting any nightmares.

Alex voice brought her out of her musings. "See, Sara, that wasn't that hard, was it?" Then the psychologist turned to Catherine. "I really think it is a good idea that Sara has some time to herself tonight. Unfortunately I can only offer my own room, because there is nothing else vacant in the mansion. I know that you hardly know me and this is all very sudden. I can understand if you don't…"

"It's okay. I don't mind." Came the blondes reply.

Sara sighed relieved, a small smile tucking at her lips. Alex was also smiling. "Good. Then we've got this settled."

Catherine turned to her younger co-worker. "Sara?"

The brunette looked up, only to be met by a gentle smile from the older CSI.

"Thanks for telling me. I know it wasn't easy for you. I have to admit I'm not happy about your decision, because I would sleep better if I knew you weren't having any nightmares alone, but I accept your decision – I really do. I hope we can work on that…on us." Catherine sounded almost unsure, obviously expecting a negative answer from Sara.

But the younger CSI just smiled at her, before answering. "Yeah, sure. And we can start right now." With accepting her decision, Catherine lifted a heavy weight of her shoulders. Right now she felt good – strong, strong enough to deal with everything that came her way. Sara really hoped her positive mood would stick around for a while.

Meanwhile Alex lay back down in the grass, smiling satisfied. This went really well. Actually Catherine took it better than she had expected. It was obvious that both women were ready to work on their friendship. It looked like there was hope for them after all.

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_A/N: Now that sleeping arrangements are settled, Alex will give our two favorite CSIs a little task to do next chapter. So you can expect another one my great psychological ideas ;-). _

_Thanks for reading!!!!!!_


	35. Chapter 35

_A/N: Sorry again for making you wait so long. Sometimes I could post a chapter faster, but I really really want to get it corrected first. And if you have two people who need to read the chapters and send them back and forth via mail, then it takes some time. So, sorry again, but I hope you understand. _

_And now enjoy the chapter - which was hopefully worth the wait ;-)_

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**Chapter 35**

The next few hours went by fast. Alex, Catherine and Sara had returned to their former talking place in the park. Again they sat down at one of the big picnic tables and started to talk.

Actually Alex had planned to talk to the two CSIs about the argument which led to Sara's suspension, but they never reached that topic. Somehow the conversation drifted from the shift split to the event that finally ended it – Nick's abduction. The psychologist soon noticed that this was an important topic for both women. So, instead of directing them to the suspension-topic, Alex let them talk about their feelings during that incident. Even Sara opened up a bit and admitted how scared she was for her friend.

The story made Alex realize once again how sick some people really are and that – most of the time – the shittiest things happen to those who don't deserve them. The fact that Nick Stokes was fine and still working at the Las Vegas crime lab surprised her even more.

Around 7:00 pm the three women decided to have dinner after Alex reminded the two CSIs of the fact that this wasn't Vegas and nothing was open 24/7 – and the cook of the mansion would definitely call it a day soon. In order to get a warm meal, they left for the restaurant.

xxxxxxx

When they finally reached the restaurant, all tables outside were already occupied, so they entered the building. Even the nice tables at the windows were already filled with vividly chatting people, so the three women were forced to take a table near the bar. Neither Catherine nor Alex were happy about that place, considering the proximity to the alcohol behind the bar. But to their surprise Sara didn't even seem to notice. The brunette didn't show any signs of nervousness. No permanent glances at the bottles. She just ate her pasta.

While she was observing her younger co-worker, Catherine's thoughts wandered back to what Alex had said earlier. Obviously the psychologist was right. Sara didn't need alcohol all the time – it was just the easiest way out as soon as trouble came up.

After taking another glance at Sara, Catherine came to the decision that the brunette looked a lot more relaxed since the sleeping arrangements had been settled. Seeing her like that reassured the blonde CSI that it seemed to be a good idea after all – even if she couldn't understand it.

Sara had said herself that she expected to have a nightmare. Wouldn't she be worried about that? Wouldn't she be scared? Catherine had a pretty good idea what her nightmares were made of, so Sara would most likely wake up scared, shaking and disoriented at first – Why the hell did she want to be alone?!? Was her co-worker really so used to that?

Alex's voice brought her out of her musings. "Since the two of you are separated for the night, I have a task for each of you." That earned her curious looks from the two CSIs. The psychologist sent them a smile and fished a few papers out of her folder. She gave a few of them to Catherine, the rest were handed to Sara.

"Those are questionnaires I want you to fill out over the night. Think good and long about your answer and be honest to yourself when you answer them. I can promise you that I'll be the only one who will ever see them. So you can write whatever is on your mind – you don't have to hold back. I also hold the opinion that sometimes it is easier for people to express their feelings on a piece of paper instead of communicating them with someone else."

Alex took a sip of her water before continuing. "Actually those are two questionnaires with a number of questions each. The first one is about yourself. I want to know how you feel about certain topics. I want to know how you see yourself. Stuff like that. On first glance some questions might sound banal, but do me the favor and try to really think about the answers before you write them down. Look deep into yourself and answer truthfully. The answers you come up with might even surprise yourself, because often we don't take the time to analyze our own feelings."

When Catherine and Sara nodded, the psychologist went on.

"The second questionnaire is about your co-worker or better how you see your co-worker." The two CSIs glanced at each other, not really sure what to think of that. "As I said before, the other one won't read your answers, so you can write whatever is on your mind. I simply want you do that in order to understand you and your relationship better. It will help me to prepare the rest of the week – and I think it will help you clear your mind. "

When Sara and Catherine silently started to skim over the papers, Alex interrupted them. "Don't read them now. Do it when you are alone and undisturbed. You'll both have that chance, because the staff has a meeting every night, so I'll be gone for about two hours. I want to talk to Dr. Waters about Albert."

Albert … Sara inevitably cringed when Alex said that name. She really really wished she had never met that man, because now her life was messier than ever.

"I suggest we go to your room now and you grab everything you need for the night. Then I show you my room."

When Catherine and Sara agreed, the three women left the restaurant.

xxxxxxx

When they arrived at Sara and Catherine's room, the younger CSI immediately started to go through her suitcase in order to get some fresh clothes for tomorrow as well as her toiletries. The tension in the room was almost visible. As soon as Sara had found everything she was looking for, she turned to her co-worker. " … well …" She didn't really know what to say. It was one of those awkward moments again. "… I got to go …" She sent Catherine and apologetic smile, not knowing what else to do.

Catherine put her best smile on, trying to reassure Sara. She still felt kind of hurt, but she figured it would be the best to give the brunette an easy way out. "It's okay, Sara. I'll see you tomorrow. I hope you have a good rest."

Sara nodded. She knew what Catherine was doing and she really appreciated it. Once again she admired the people skills of her older co-worker. She always knew what to say. "Thanks. I really appreciate that. Goodnight." The brunette stopped for a second, before teasingly adding. "And don't worry too much about me."

Catherine couldn't help but chuckle.

Alex too had a small smile on her lips. When it was obvious that everything was said, the psychologist turned to Sara. "Let's go." When Sara nodded she turned to Catherine one last time. "I guess I'll be back in about two hours. Take your time to fill out the questionnaire."

"Ok."

Then Alex and Sara headed for the door, only to be stopped by Catherine again. "Wait!" Both stopped dead in track when the blonde CSI ran into the bathroom. They looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

When Catherine reappeared again, she carried the crème from the first-aid-kit. "Put this on your hand before you go to bed. I really think you should leave the bandage off for tonight. And tomorrow morning I can re-dress it again – if you want I mean …" She trailed of and handed the crème somewhat shyly to Sara, who smiled at her.

"Thanks." Sara felt a little bit embarrassed. She had already forgotten about her hand again. To her surprise she felt a warm sensation running through her veins. It was really kind of nice to have someone looking out for you. Maybe she could get used to that after all. With a last "goodbye" Alex and Sara finally left the room.

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After a nice long, hot shower Catherine wondered how she could occupy her mind until Alex was back. Then she remembered the questionnaires she had put on the bed before going to the bathroom. Determined to answer the question as well as possible to help Alex help them, she went to her suitcase, looking for a pen. When she finally found one she went over to the bed and lay down. The blonde took a deep breath and started filling out the questionnaires.

xxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile in a room on another floor of the mansion …

Sara was sitting at a little desk with a laptop in front of her. On their way to Alex's room, both women realized that Sara wouldn't be able to write anything with her injured hand. To get the questionnaires filled out anyway, the psychologist made her laptop available. And here she was. Typing with just your left hand wasn't the fastest way to express her feelings, but it was less painful and probably still faster then writing with her right hand. Sara had quickly skimmed over the questions before and knew that it would probably take a while to answer all of them. With a deep breath she prepared herself for a long night and read the first question.

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_A/N: Next chapter will be a longer one. We will get a lot of questions and a lot of answers. _

_BTW, thanks to all those who reviewed!! Don't hesitate to do it again ;-)_


	36. Chapter 36

_A/N: Thanks for all your reviews!!!! With each chapter I'm amazed again how many people read my story - and how many like it ;-)_

_This chapter is written differently than the others. Instead of describing how Catherine and Sara fill out the questionnaires I just post the filled out questionnaire._ **

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Chapter 36

Catherine's answers:

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This form is about yourself: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate upon them.

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1. Question: 

What is/are your greatest dream(s)?

Answer:

One day I want to have a normal happy family again. I want a partner, maybe even husband, who really loves me and above all my daughter. I dream about a man who respects me and accepts my job. Someone who can be father for Lindsey. Since Eddie's death, a male, reliable, role model is missing in her life. I think she needs a father as much as I need a strong shoulder to lean on after a hard shift or someone to spend my nights off with.

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2. Question: 

What is/are your greatest fear(s)?

Answer:

My greatest fear is that something happens to my baby. That would be the worst thing ever. Even if we don't get along so well at the moment, Lindsey is my life. It would be devastating if I lost her. I don't think I could go on without her.  
Another fear, which is constantly on my mind, is that something happens to me. That I die in the line of duty and leave my daughter as an orphan. She has already lost her father and if I'm gone too, she would be alone in this world.

* * *

3. Question: 

How do you think your co-workers see you?

Answer:

I think they respect me – at least most of them. I know that the ones I work closely with do. They trust me. That's at least what I hope. I guess it took them a while and some people still have trouble seeing me as a CSI who deserved her position instead of an ex-stripper who slept her way up. But they don't matter to me. The ones that matter are my co-workers from graveyard shift and I know they respect me. We are all like a big family. From time to time our family is a little bit dysfunctional, but mostly we are doing okay.

* * *

4. Question:

How do you think your family sees you?

Answer:

Actually I fear that most of the time my co-workers have a better opinion about me than my own family. My job is demanding. I have to do a lot of overtime and I have unusual working hours. I'm very aware of that, but my mother always has to remind me of it. In her eyes I'm a bad mother because I never have time for Lindsey. That's not true. I probably don't have as much time as I want to, but I would spend every free minute with my daughter – if she would let me.  
In her eyes I'm probably the worst mother ever. I'm hardly home and I forbid her a lot of things her friends are allowed to do. But that's just because I love her and I want to protect her. I see every day what people do to innocent children if they get a chance – Lindsey just won't understand that.

* * *

5. Question: 

What is your best characteristic?

Answer:

I'm a good listener. I have always an open ear if my friends need me.

* * *

6. Question: 

What is your worst characteristic?

Answer:

I think I have problems with admitting that I was wrong about something. And I don't really like it if someone tells me he was right and I was wrong. I guess I can get really bitchy then.

* * *

7. Question: 

Why do you do your job?

Answer:

I try to tell myself that I make the world a little bit safer every night. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about Lindsey running around Vegas at night. I know that is idealistic, but it's what keeps me going.  
I guess the thing that made me start this job in the beginning was the fact that I love puzzles. I still do.

* * *

8. Question: 

Are you a team player? What role do you have in your team at work?

Answer:

Yes, I'm a team player. I love working in a good team. Most crime scenes are more comfortable or less scary when you have a friend there with you. I really don't like working alone.  
If I look at the graveyard shift I think I'm kind of the mother of the team. I really like this role.

* * *

9. Question: 

If you could change something in your past what would that be and would you do it?

Answer:

I know I made a lot mistakes in my life, but everyone does. I don't think anyone can call himself or herself perfect. But I wouldn't want to change anything. The mistakes I made, the experiences I collected, they made me who I am today. We learn from everything that happens to us – some things are good, some are bad. But they influence our life. Looking at where I stand today in my life, I wouldn't want to change that. I always believed in the phrase: Never doubt, never look back.

* * *

10. Question: 

What does the word friendship mean to you?

Answer:

Friendship means a lot of things. Its two people spending time together. Two people who can rely on each other. Two people who trust each other. Two people who are comfortable sharing whatever is on their mind. Friendship means having someone to call in the middle of night when you feel like it, knowing that the other one won't mind. It means having someone to share secrets with, to share sorrows. It means to have someone you can yell at, but later when you apologize everything is okay again. It means to have someone who tells you what they think, whether you like it or not. It means to have someone who tells you the truth, even if it's unpleasant. Friends can talk for hours about everything. Friends give each other a hug, when the other one needs comfort. All that and more.

* * *

11. Question: 

What do you expect from this seminar?

Answer:

When I first heard about this seminar, I just wanted to be Sara's friend. We've been getting along lately and I wanted to pursue this friendship, because I really miss having a female confident. Of course I also hoped that this seminar would save Sara's job. Since I've learned about Sara's life, I don't just want to be her friend. I want to help her. Help her to put her life back together. Help her deal with her problems. Of course this is all part of being a friend, but I think Sara needs more than just a normal friend. I guess I started rambling now, so I better stop.  
If I get the chance, I want to sort out some of my own problems. There are quite a few. Especially the relationship with my daughter is critical lately. A few tips how to deal with her would be helpful too.

* * *

This form is about your co-worker, who attends this seminar with you: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate upon them.

* * *

1. Question: 

What do you think your co-worker thinks about you?

Answer:

I think in the beginning Sara wanted to be my friend. She tried to be nice and all, but somehow I just couldn't stand her. I always shot her down with some nasty remarks and soon she started to play that game with me. I think there were times when she truly hated me, e.g. when I got the lead in a case she wanted or when I pulled rank on her or simply the way I treated her most of the time.  
Lately we have been getting along. I really don't know what changed. I don't think I did. I think Sara changed. She became more passive, more distant, more quiet. She wasn't fighting back anymore. I guess that was when I realized that I had really hurt her a few times and that our behavior was childish, so I stopped too. Since then we've been getting along well. No arguments anymore. It even seemed as if she wanted a close friendship. When we arrived here we both wanted that.  
But since the thing with Albert happened everything has changed. I think she's really mad at me. No – she hates me to a certain extent, because I know all those things about her and I guess she's afraid of me because of that.  
Well, I think she has a right to hate me. I wasn't really helping yesterday. Even if I honestly tried!  
I know that she trusted me to a certain extent before we came here and that's all gone now. I honestly don't know if that can be rebuilt. I hope so. I really do. I don't want her to hate me or be scared of me …

* * *

2. Question: 

Do you envy your co-worker for something?

Answer:

Her age and her beauty. She doesn't need to dress up or wear a lot of makeup to look good. With her it comes naturally – and everyone in the lab knows that. And she is so smart. I mean she went to Harvard. What did I do? I was a dancer and went to night school in Vegas to become a CSI. That's probably why I couldn't stand her in the beginning. She was everything I wasn't: Young, beautiful and intelligent. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't think I look good. I know I do look good for my age, but she is younger than me and got the best education. Furthermore I was the only woman on graveyard shift until she showed up and suddenly there was someone who threatened to take my place. Now I know that were never her intentions, but my insecurities got the best of me at that time.  
To a certain extent I still envy those things, but today I know that I would never want to switch my life with hers. I know that my own life wasn't always easy, but no one deserves such a life as Sara had.

* * *

3. Question: 

What is the worst memory you have about you and your co-worker? What incident would you rather erase from everyone's memory?

Answer:

I think there are two incidents I'd rather forget, because I know they did a lot of damage to our relationship. The first one happened when Eddie was murdered. Sara got the case and she wasn't able to solve it. It wasn't her fault – I know that now. Sometimes we just don't have enough evidence. It happens - but I was so pissed that it happened to me. I treated her like shit during that case. I did not just attack her personally (like I normally did), I became super bitch and questioned her qualities as a CSI. And I know that this did a lot more damage than everything I'd ever said to her before. The job always seemed to be everything for her – and I practically told her that she sucked at it. I was angry at that time. I don't know at whom. Definitely not at Sara, but she was the one I blew off. I was angry that Eddie was dead, that he was leaving his little girl without a father. I was angry that he put Lindsey into danger. I was angry at his girlfriend because she didn't even try to save my daughter. And then I exploded. Sara probably knew all that – that I was just mad – because she didn't snap back at me. But I saw the pain in her eyes – pain I caused. That's something I'd like to take back.  
The other thing I'm not proud of is my behavior during the Melton case, the case over which Sara got suspended and almost fired. She took the case personally – like so often before. Now, I understand exactly why, but then I didn't. She lost it with a suspect, with me, and with Ecklie. And I did nothing. Well, let me correct that, I was on Ecklie's side. I wanted to get her fired, because I had the opinion that no one had the right to talk to me like that. It's really sad. I was a supervisor at that time – and that incident didn't exactly highlight my leadership abilities. Actually I failed badly that day. I was the lead on the case. I was the superior. I was the more experienced one. I should have handled the situation differently. I should have talked to Sara in private or something like that. At least I should have supported her in front of Ecklie – but I did nothing like that. I'm glad that Gil was there for her at that time and that she had a close and caring friend with Greg.

* * *

4. Question: 

What is the nicest memory you have about you and your co-worker?

Answer:

I fear there don't exist many of those memories, considering that we were always just co-workers and never really friends. We hardly socialized outside of work. When we went out for drinks it was usually with the rest of the team. But I remember that one night when we got a beer together. It was after she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Technically her boyfriend had a girlfriend and was cheating on her with Sara. It's no surprise that she was down. So I took her out for a beer. That one beer turned into many more and if you would have seen us that morning you'd probably thought we were real close friends. It was the first time Sara opened up to me about something. I really cherish that moment. It felt nice. I hope more like that will come.

* * *

5. Question: 

What is/are the best characteristic(s) of your co-worker?

Answer:

Her enthusiasm for work. The determination with which she approaches cases. That fire in her eyes when we have a new clue in an otherwise cold case. She never gives up. When justice needs to be found she forgets everything else. She works for hours – days – without sleep. Nothing matters other than the case and the victim. I admire that.

* * *

6. Question: 

What is/are the worst characteristic(s) of your co-worker?

Answer:

Her social skills! They hardly exist. Now I know what made her the way she is, but I was wondering for years. She is always distant, always living in her own world. And this behavior had gotten worse lately. She is the silent type - not one for small talk. I think she never really learned how to do that – talking I mean. She doesn't like to be touched. No surprise with a history of abuse like she has. She doesn't know how to take a compliment, probably because she never got them when she was younger. She doesn't like to go out with us anymore. She is a lone wolf.  
I think her poor choice in men can be attributed to that, too. I know her for seven years and in all that time she was just dating that paramedic who cheated on her and she always had a thing for Grissom. Actually I don't know what's worse. Don't get me wrong. Gil Grissom is one of my best friends, but he is even worse than Sara when it comes to human interaction. I know that he had feelings for her, but he was just too afraid to act on them. I guess in a way he broke her heart more than once. What that has to do with Sara's bad characteristics? I think she chooses men who are unreachable for her, so she can go after them without making any commitments. Considering that you are the psychologist I'm sure you have a better explanation.

* * *

7. Question: 

Why do you think your co-worker does his / her job?

Answer:

If you would have asked me that before this seminar, I would have said that she just wanted to help people – bring justice to them.  
Now, after all I know about her, I think she wants to give others the justice she never got. I think she wants to save others because no one ever saved her.

* * *

_A/N: What do you think??? Good? Bad? Unusual? ;-)_


	37. Chapter 37

_A/N: Here comes your update! Finding Saras answers for all those questions was somehow a lot more difficult than finding the ones for Catherine. And here I thought I understand Sara better than Catherine ;-)_

_Thank you so so so so much for your reviews!!!! You always brighten my days!_

_Kess: I like the idea of them talking directly about what they wrote down. Up to now I just wanted Alex to have this information and use it somehow. But maybe I can create some nice conversations about the questionnaires between Sara and Catherine.  
anonomys19: Sorry to disappoint you, but they won't fall in love with each other. It's not because I have a problem with that - I definitley don't - but I started it as friendship and I'll finish it as friendship. I hold the opinion that there are not enough friendship-fics round here and I'm trying to change that ;-) But who knows what my next story will look like ...  
orsika: I'm so with you. After that finale we can all use something to cheer us up. But as the huge Sara fan I am I have the feeling that everything will be okay - it just has to be!_**

* * *

**

Chapter 37

Sara's answers:

* * *

This form is about yourself: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate upon them.

* * *

1. Question: 

What is/are your greatest dream(s)?

Answer:

My greatest dream is to live a normal life one day. I want to have someone at my side who truly loves me – the real me. Someone who accepts me for who I am. Someone who has the strength to put up with me and makes me happy. I want to move back to California again. I want to have a little house at the beach and a dog. I know that this sounds totally corny and not like something I would say, but since I was a little girl I was always dreaming of that. It's something that would probably never come true, but still…it would be nice.

* * *

2. Question: 

What is/are your greatest fear(s)?

Answer:

I fear I'll become like my mother one day. I remember very well how she always drank and that she didn't care about anything or anyone. I remember how she let dad get away with everything – hitting her, hitting me…until that one night of course. I remember how she always lied to her friends and to the doctors at the hospital about my injuries. I also remember very well the first time she hit me and the last words she ever said to me after the trail: This is all your fault, you unworthy brat!  
I don't want to be her. But can I really influence that? After all I have her genes. I fought so hard all those years, but to no avail. I'm starting to change. I drink too much. I lie to my friends. Sometimes when I wake up hung over and look into the mirror I see her – and that scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to stop it.

* * *

3. Question: 

How do you think your co-workers see you?

Answer:

I guess they think I'm weird. I mean I've always been the outsider – from day one. That's no surprise, considering that Grissom called me here to investigate Warrick (a CSI from graveyard) – one of their own. I think I never really learned to fit in. I guess I can blame that on me. I know that I'm not outgoing. I value my privacy, being alone. There were times when I was really close to Greg, a lab tech who decided to become a CSI. I taught him a lot and we spent time together outside from work. He was a real close friend then. 'Was' because I don't think we are close anymore. Things changed and I distanced myself more and more from everything – including Greg. He tried for a while to find out what was wrong, but then he gave up – not that I blame him. I couldn't have told him what was bothering me anyway, because it was nothing special – it was everything.  
The rest of my co-workers? Well, there's Ecklie. He hates me. I have absolutely no idea why. I really don't know, but I'm not sure if I even want to know.  
Then there is Grissom…I don't know what he feels. I was never able to read him. Even when I thought I had figured him out, he proved me wrong. I don't think he hates me. Hate is the wrong word…maybe I disgust him?

* * *

4. Question: 

How do you think your family sees you?

Answer:

What family? I like to pretend I don't have family, because Mum doesn't feel like family anymore. After the final court day of Dad's murder, I never had the guts to face her again. Like I wrote before, that day she made clear once again that everything was my fault and that she hated me. I think it's easier to pretend you don't have family instead of family who hates you.

* * *

5. Question: 

What is your best characteristic?

Answer:

Do I have something like that? I'm not reliable. I'm not confident. I'm not funny. I'm not optimistic. Well, I'm good at drinking even if I doubt that you had something like that in mind.  
I guess a good characteristic is my persistence when it comes to work. Yeah, I think that's a good answer. Considering that work is actually everything that is left in my life, it's understandable. So, if it comes to work, fighting for justice and all that, I'm very persistent. That's at least something good…

* * *

6. Question: 

What is your worst characteristic?

Answer:

As you have already figured out I'm kind of self-destructive. I know that. I've been told it before. No big surprise here. Why am I like that? I don't know. I like to believe that my parents or foster parents are to blame for that. It's probably just me, but it's always easier to blame others.  
Why do I do stuff like hitting a tree? I like to feel pain. Okay, 'like' is the wrong word. Let's say it prevents me from going crazy, because sometimes everything becomes too much. One of my best friends lately is Jack Daniels. He's always there when I need him – a really reliable buddy.  
But that's not all. You were right before, when you said that it's easier to write things down instead of saying them out loud…When the alcohol is not enough, I cut myself. There! I wrote it! I couldn't bring myself to tell you this earlier. I'm ashamed of it. Unfortunately I do it anyway. Catherine knows about it, too. She saw some of my old cuts the other night, but she had promised me not to tell you. I honestly don't know why I'm writing this right now. I still don't want to talk about it with you – I really don't. I guess, I just wanted to let you know…

* * *

7. Question: 

Why do you do your job?

Answer:

I want to help those who can't help themselves anymore. I want to bring a little bit more justice in our world. I want to make a difference. I need a reason to live and I find it in doing my job everyday.

* * *

8. Question: 

Are you a team player? What role do you have in your team at work?

Answer:

No, not really. I'm more of a loner. Like I said before, I value my privacy and I like being alone. I don't talk much. So, I guess it's safe to say I'm not a team player.  
Do I have a role in our team? Nick once said I'm like a younger sister for him. That really touched me. But with my stupid leave-me-alone-behavior lately I don't know if I still have this position.

* * *

9. Question: 

If you could change something in your past what would that be and would you do it?

Answer:

That's a hard question. There are a lot of things I'd rather not have lived through. I really don't know what was the worst thing. The physical abuse from my parents? Watching Mum kill Dad? Jumping from foster home to foster home? The stay at certain foster homes?  
Sometimes I think it would have been better if I was never born. I guess that would have saved the world a lot of trouble.

* * *

10. Question: 

What does the word friendship mean to you?

Answer:

Trust. Friendship means trust. I don't give the title 'friend of Sara Sidle' away easily. It takes me a long time until I allow someone 'in', because I know when I open up I'm vulnerable – and too often people abused that. So, I don't open up to people before I'm 100 sure that the other one won't hurt me. Okay, that was my plan in the beginning, after Dad died. But after a while I got very lonely, because I had no friends at all (what a surprise!). So I lowered my standards drastically – just to get hurt badly again. Now my walls are back up. And as much as Catherine would like it – she's not even close to the top of that wall yet. And with all she knows about me she's the one person in this world who can really really hurt me. She has the power to destroy me, so I guess the wall is even higher than normal.

* * *

11. Question: 

What do you expect from this seminar?

Answer:

Actually I wanted to get to know Catherine better. I wanted to deal with a few of my issues. Well, that was before yesterday. I never planned to deal with everything at once and I never ever planned on Catherine knowing everything about me. Now I just want to know how to pick up the pieces that were once my life – and how to work things out with Catherine.

* * *

This form is about your co-worker, who attends this seminar with you: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate them.

* * *

1. Question: 

What do you think your co-worker thinks about you?

Answer:

Right now I guess she thinks I'm kind of crazy. I mean I think that, too. She know now how messed up my life really is.  
And Catherine being Catherine probably feels really sorry for me, sorry that all that happened to me, sorry about yesterday, sorry about…everything. Did I mention how much I hate pity?  
I guess she's also a little bit scared of me. She never saw me so angry like I was yesterday after the session with Albert. I know there was fear in her eyes when I screamed at her.

* * *

2. Question: 

Do you envy your co-worker for something?

Answer:

Something? More like everything! Catherine has everything I don't. She has sex appeal. She had self-confidence. She had a lot of friends. She has a family who cares about her, a mother, a daughter, a sister. She has the respect of her superiors. I've always been like a little ugly duck. When I enter a room, people don't care or they don't even notice, but when Catherine enters a room all attention is on her.

* * *

3. Question: 

What is the worst memory you have about you and your co-worker? What incident would you rather erase from everyone's memory?

Answer:

After you read Albert nice information about me, you probably suspect that the worst memory would be my suspension, but it isn't. Sure, the whole incident sucked, but to be honest it felt really good to tell Ecklie off. It got me suspend – so what?  
The worst thing was definitely the case about her ex-husbands murder. Grissom gave that case to me. I guess he did it because I was the one who would remain the most objective, considering my great relationship with Catherine at that time. Believe me, I wanted to solve that case. I wanted nothing more than to give her and Lindsey some closure. I worked hard, but for Catherine it wasn't hard enough. She was always looking over my shoulder. She even attacked one of my suspects. It was evident that she wanted revenge. She was angry and after I had to pull her off my suspect she finally lost it. She practically told me that I sucked at my job. I know that she just needed to let steam off, but it hurt nevertheless. I guess if anyone else in that situation would have told me that I wouldn't have taken it so hard, but with Catherine I was never sure if what she said wasn't just what she always thought of me, but never told me.

* * *

4. Question: 

What is the nicest memory you have about you and your co-worker?

Answer:

I guess my nicest memory is a bit strange. Actually I'm sure that Catherine won't even remember that day, because it most likely meant nothing to her.  
It was after a triple murder we worked together. Catherine had obviously trouble at home that time and she wasn't concentrated at work. Of course she didn't admit that, but it was plain obvious when she gave me the lead in the case. Well, in the end, after days of hard work, we finally managed to close the case. And before she left that shift she gave me a pat on the shoulder and told me that I did a really good job and that she was glad I was so stubborn sometimes – because that's what broke the case. Then, she admitted that she wasn't 100 with me, because something was up with Lindsey, and that I practically solved that case alone. She also said that she was proud that I kept my professionalism and didn't get too emotional.  
Don't get me wrong, I don't live only for the acknowledgment of my superiors, but it felt really good to hear that from Catherine.

* * *

5. Question: 

What is/are the best characteristic(s) of your co-worker?

Answer:

I don't know. I really think there many. I guess the best is this whole being-a-mother-thing. She cares about everyone and she helps everyone.

* * *

6. Question: 

What is/are the worst characteristic(s) of your co-worker?

Answer:

I told Catherine before and it got me suspended, but I still hold the opinion that she uses her sexuality to get what she wants. She does that with suspects, witnesses and co-workers. And I think this is really sad, because she is such a great criminalist. She doesn't need to play on such low levels.

* * *

7. Question: 

Why do you think your co-worker does his/her job?

Answer:

I think she's doing it for Lindsey. She want's to make Las Vegas safer for her daughter.

* * *

Sorry for the short answers at the end, but I'm tired and my hand and my head hurt.

* * *

_A/N: I just love my last sentence. It was the perfect way out, cause somehow my inspiration just left me. I ask for forgiveness and I promise I won't do it again :-)!  
Anyway, next chapter we'll get some info about Albert and Alex and Catherine have a serious conversation - and it's not about Sara!_


	38. Chapter 38

_A/N: A new chapter in the old style :) No more questionnaires. The style just seemed to fit at that part of the story, but now we go back to normal._

_scubysnak__ The beer they shared after Hank was just too obvious, so I tried to think of something else. About the shipper-thing: I did this on purpose - at least with Sara. Caths husband-statement came out wrong. I just wanted to say that she considers to get married again, but I think the other meaning is okay, too. It gives everyone the chance to picture the partner they want for Cath and Sara. It won't be part of the story, so all readers can decide for themselves with whatever they feel comfortable.  
__SaraLou__ Not yet, but I have some pretty good ideas what I finally do with him. But it will only be revealed in one of the last chapters.  
__SEAGUL__ Again, I made already plans for that, but I'm not going to tell. To find out you definitely have to stick around till the end of the story :-)  
__FloatingInMoon__ Okay, Saras answer might have been a little bit depressive ... but I promise her mood on Wendsday will be a lot better.  
__ACertainJustice__ This very topic will cause some tension in the future. I can assure you that you aren't the only one who doesn't like it_

**

* * *

**

Chapter 38

Catherine was standing at the window, silently looking out into the dark. Filling out the questionnaire made her think – and thinking was a synonym for worrying right now. She had finished twenty minutes ago and was now waiting for Alex to return. She really needed someone to talk to or simply someone to distract herself.

After a few more minutes there was a knock on the door. The CSI made her way over to the door and opened it, revealing Alex. She stepped back to let the psychologist enter. Alex carried a small bag which probably contained her things for the night.

Since Alex had left about two hours ago there was always the question about Albert's whereabouts swirling around in her mind. "How did it go with Dr. Waters?" Catherine's question sounded casual, but inside she was really praying that he already received some sort of punishment – or maybe he fell down the stairs and broke his ugly nose. This thought brought a small smile to her lips. Of course she knew that it was highly unlikely, but she was really curious where he was. She hadn't seen him since the morning. Did that mean he was still here and hiding? Did he talk Dr. Waters into getting another pair of participants assigned? Did Dr. Waters send him home? Did he leave on his own?

Alex put her bag down and sat down on the couch before finally answering. "Looks like the dear Dr. Albert isn't as good at receiving criticism than at giving. After Waters left you this morning, she went to her office where Albert was waiting for her. Albert started to complain about everything, but Waters was so pissed at him for how he treated you that she just told him to shut up – and he did. I never thought of Waters as a very intimidating person, but she obviously was today."

With a smile Alex went on. "Then she told him what a lousy psychologist he was and what ethnic and professional rules and laws he'd just broken and – believe it or not – that little ass actually just ran out." She shook her head, still amazed about the story Dr. Waters told her. "He packed his things and left. Can you imagine that?"

Catherine couldn't help but chuckle. That would have been something she'd like to see. It would have been very entertaining – no question. But a question still remained. What consequences would all this have for him? Obviously his mysterious friends helped him out before. Would he get away with his actions? "What's going to happen to him now?"

Alex sighed. She expected this question. "Probably not what he really deserves. I'm pretty sure he'll lose his job. I don't see any legal chance for him to keep his license. Will it go to court? I don't know. Maybe we can manage to find some old patients who are willing to file charges."

The blonde CSI took a deep breath. She and Sara should be the ones to file charges. Again Catherine wasn't sure if she should be angry with Sara for not pressing charges or understanding.

The psychologist seemed to read Catherine's mind when she spoke up. "Don't be mad at Sara. Actually I think she isn't that wrong with her assumption about what Albert might do during a trial."

Catherine nodded. Alex was probably right. It wouldn't help to get angry anyway, because Sara most likely won't change her mind and she really didn't want to cause her co-worker any more pain. Maybe it was time to talk about a completely different topic. "Do you have limited working hours?" The question sounded innocent.

Alex smiled. Catherine was probably ready to tackle some of her own issues now. The sleeping arrangement for the night might be good for both of them. She just hoped that Sara wouldn't injure her hand any further if she had another nightmare. But this was nothing she could influence.

The psychologist tried to get comfortable on the couch before answering. "In that department I'm like Las Vegas – open 24/7."

The answer made Catherine chuckle. "Well, that's good to know." The small smile on her lips was gone as fast as it appeared. The blonde knew she had issues of her own – and suddenly she could really understand Sara's dislike for talking about herself. She probably had different reasons than her co-worker though. Sara just didn't like talking and accepting her past, Catherine on the other hand was more afraid of the answers she would finally get from Alex.

Unconsciously she started to pick on the blanket which she had used to cover Sara last night. It was still resting on the couch – and was now the victim of Catherine's nervous hands. The blonde sighed. Did she really want to go there?

Alex studied her closely. Whatever it was the CSI wanted to talk about, it was obviously very serious, considering how easily she talked all day about almost everything. She tried to reassure Catherine. "You can tell me whatever you have on your mind. I doubt that you could shock me with anything." Alex tone was light when she spoke.

The CSI looked up. "Talking isn't exactly the problem. It's more about the answers, because I don't think I want to hear them."

That explanation earned her a puzzled look from the psychologist.

Catherine sighed. "All right … you know I have a daughter and I already told you that we are not getting along too well lately…" She trailed off, not really sure what to say.

Suddenly everything started to fall into place for Alex. Catherine had mentioned before that she had trouble with her teenage daughter, but had refused to deepen the topic. It looked like whatever was going on in the Willows home, the blonde thought it was her fault and expected Alex to point that out. This was definitely going to be an interesting talk. When the CSI didn't continue, Alex spoke up. "Yeah, you told me that. What exactly is the problem?"

Catherine nodded slowly, making an agreement with herself that it was okay to talk. This was harder than she had expected. "I love Lindsey with all my heart. Sometimes I whish she would still be that carefree little girl with whom I went to the park or Lake Mead. The little girl that always came to me when something was wrong." Again she trailed off.

Alex took in what Catherine told her. "You said she was a teenager now. I guess she just grew up. They all do that, Catherine." Was this just about a mother who couldn't let go of her daughter?

Catherine looked at the psychologist, her eyes filled with sadness. "She had to go through so much and I fear I wasn't really helping most of the time. To sum it up I think I screwed up royally raising my daughter and she's turning more and more away from me and I'm scared of losing her completely." Now it was out, but saying it out loud made Catherine realize how serious this issue really was. It wasn't just a little disagreement between a mother and a daughter – this was a lot bigger!

"Don't you think you are a bit hard on yourself? Actually I can't imagine you screwing up raising your daughter. I've known you just for a day, but if I had to make a profile of you, the words caring and understanding would definitely be in it."

The CSI sighed. "That is exactly the problem. When it comes to work or my friends at work – then I have always time. And I know how to deal with them, how to talk to them."

"But you don't know how to talk to your daughter?" Came Alex question.

The blonde nodded. "I don't know how to talk to her and she doesn't even want to talk to me in the first place."

Alex noticed the desperation in Catherine's voice. She really hoped that the CSI was just exaggerating and the situation at home wasn't that bad. But to analyze everything she needed more information – a lot more information. "Okay…look, how about we start at the beginning."

When Catherine took a deep calming breath and nodded, the psychologist went on. "You said that she had to go through a lot while growing up. Can you explain that?"

"You already know the hardest thing. My ex-husband died. Lindsey's father died. And he didn't just die." The blonde closed her eyes and started to recall the events of that fateful night that changed her life in many ways. It was the night she had lost someone she once cared deeply about. Her daughter had lost a father and had almost gotten killed too and she ruined her growing friendship with Sara - and all that in a matter of hours.

When the CSI finished her story about how she pulled Lindsey out of that car, she stood up and walked over to the window. Without turning around she said. "That was somehow the beginning of the end. Since then things were never the same again."

Alex shook her head slowly. That this incident changed a lot was no surprise. "That's understandable. This was a very traumatic event – not just for Lindsey. I suppose also for you. Losing your ex-husband…" When Catherine wanted to object, Alex held up her hand to stop her and continued. "I know that you see death on a daily basis, but it is something different when people you know are involved. Even if you were divorced at that time, you loved that man once and he was the father of your daughter. He meant something to you, a lot probably – you can't deny that."

Catherine sighed defeated. "He was a horrible father. Always breaking promises he made to Lindsey. Forgetting about things he wanted to do with her." Remembering all those things made her a bit angry. Hardly above a whisper she added. "But he was still Lindsey's father – and despite all his mistakes she had loved him." With that the CSI turned around and headed back to the couch.

Alex nodded. It was obvious that Catherine wasn't really over Eddie's death. Even after all those years. It looked like she had the ability to bottle things up in common with Sara. But Eddie's death was another topic. Their original conversation headed into another direction. "How did Lindsey take Eddie's death?"

"Good." The CSI ran a hand through her hair. "Considering that she was seven at that time and probably not really aware of what anything meant that was going on around her."

This was nothing new for Alex. At that age it was unlikely that the girl understood the full extent of what happened that night. She saw it often enough in her practice. However, all that didn't explain why Catherine thought she did a bad job raising her daughter. So far nothing seemed to be her fault. "How did things develop? How did she deal with it? How did you?"

"I guess I pretended that it didn't affect me and I buried myself in my work. Lindsey seemed fine at that time, but she slowly started to change…" Again Catherine fell into silence.

Alex tried to keep her going. "What did change?"

The blonde sighed. She really didn't like that topic. "She started to get into fights at school. I didn't thought too much of it at first. Of course I tried to make her understand that it was foolish to hit other pupils. So I grounded her a lot. Instead of talking about the reasons why she fought with those kids, I sent her to her room and forbid her to watch television. Years later she told me why she got into those fights…because the other kids talked bad about her father. And what did I do to support her?" Catherine laughed dryly at her own question. "Super-mom Catherine just grounded her."

Before Alex managed to comment in any way, Catherine went on. She obviously was on a roll that the psychologist didn't want to stop. "Lindsey hated me for that. And that was when she started to do everything to make me mad. And God believe me – I have a creative kid. Every time I was at work she did the things she wasn't allowed to do. She went out with friends, even if I explicitly forbid it. She didn't do her homework. She didn't prepare for tests anymore. She got into more fights at school – for no real reason, because I put her in another school and those kids definitely didn't know anything about her father and therefore couldn't provoke her with him. My favorite is hitchhiking. As if Vegas wasn't dangerous enough as it is – NO – my daughter had to get into the cars of total strangers. Today we hardly talk anymore. Even if I'm home on time, she doesn't want me to drive her to school, because it's just uncool. After school she hangs out with friends – friends I forbid her to hang out with. And she knows that she is driving me mad with her behavior. And then her provocative statements when I want to talk to her…I really don't know what to do anymore."

Alex stayed silent for a few seconds, thinking about what Catherine had just told her. To her it looked like Catherine's fear that she screwed up as a mother was partly true after all. Now she needed to find a way to communicate that smoothly. In order to get the CSIs attention she cleared her throat. When the blonde finally stopped destroying the blanket which she still held captive, Alex spoke up. "To me it looks like she wants to get your attention with all those things she's doing."

"So it's all my fault, isn't it?" Catherine's voice sounded pained. Her mother always told her that. Her daughter always told her that. And now she had the official statement form Alex.

Sensing Catherine's resignation, Alex reached for one of her hands and took it in her own. This caused the blonde to look up. "No, it's not just your fault, Catherine. There are always two persons who influence a relationship. You probably made mistakes, but Lindsey did too. But that's normal. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes."

The blonde shook her head. "What am I supposed to do? I try to reach out to her all the time, but she always brushes me off. Instead she's just doing everything I forbid her."

Alex gave Catherine's hand a little squeeze. "You work a lot don't you?"

Not trusting her voice right now, the CSI just nodded.

"I'm sure you do it just for Lindsey, don't you?"

Again the blonde nodded. "I want her to have a good life – a stable life."

Alex sent her a reassuring smile. "That's good, Catherine, but did you tell her that? Did you tell her why you aren't around much?"

With a long sigh, Catherine answered. "I tried, but she's never listening when I talk to her."

Alex nodded. She was expecting this. It looked like the two Willows women had a big communication problem. "As I said before, it seems like she wants to get your attention, something she's missing. This is a common phenomenon." The psychologist explained. "You have a demanding job and you work a lot. Lindsey probably doesn't get to see you that much, right?

Catherine just silently nodded.

"She wants her mother to notice her."

The CSI shook her head. "I doubt that. When I'm home and want to spend time with her, she doesn't want anything to do with me."

Alex thought for a second. "What do you want to do when you are together?"

"I want to watch a movie or maybe get some ice cream. Just normal family stuff." Came the reply.

The psychologist nodded. That was what she expected. "Lindsey isn't a little kid anymore. She grew up. And now she probably wants to do other things than a few years ago. Maybe she would like to go to dinner with you – like adults do. Or she wanted to talk to you about her latest crush, knowing that you won't judge her. Do you do stuff like that?"

The blonde slowly shook her head while taking everything in. Alex was right. Lindsey wasn't seven anymore. She was a teenager, almost an adult – and she deserved to be treated like one. But what could she do now. "How can I repair the damage I've done?"

Alex sighed. It looked like the most important point didn't reach Catherine's mind. "Like I said before, Catherine. This isn't entirely your fault. If Lindsey wanted your attention she could have simply asked for it, instead of doing all those crazy things. If you want to make this work between you, then you both have to change something in your behavior."

When the CSI didn't react, Alex went on. "It might be hard, but when there are events that are important for her, than don't let your job intervene. Make sure that sometimes – not always – but sometimes your daughter just comes first. You might piss of your boss a few times, but he will get over it. And the first thing you need to do, when you get home, is talk to Lindsey. Tell her that you two need to have a serious conversation. And then you give rules for that conversation. The first rule is that everyone can say what is on her mind. The second rule is that you aren't allowed to lie. The third rule is that you don't interrupt the other one. Make her agree to those rules and than just start to tell her how you feel. Tell her that you think she hates you and that you feel very sorry for that. Tell her that you really want to change that, but you won't be able to do it alone. Then ask her how she sees the situation and what she wants. That's very important. You have to listen to her and respect her wishes. Then you'll have to decide what to do about it. This is totally up to you. Your relationship won't improve 100 from one day to the other – this will take a while – but you have to start somewhere. Maybe you can agree on talking. Tell her about your cases and how they affect you – and she should tell you about school and the people around her. Start to get to know each other again, because I think somewhere these last years you grew away from each other."

Catherine listened carefully to what Alex had to say. It sounded simple. Again she felt the psychologist squeeze her hand – and this time it had the expected effect: it gave her courage. "You really think I can do that? We can do that?"

Alex smiled at her, nodding. "I don't just think it – I know it. You just have to be open. That's the foundation for every relationship. And the same goes for Sara and you."

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_A/N: Reviews are as always more than welcomed. And of course a big THANK YOU for all the reviews for the last chapter.  
The next chapter is already finished. It shows the thoughts of Cath, Sara and Alex before they fall asleep. It's already finished, but it will take awhile until I can post it. I already sent it to my beta, but Emily is out of town till monday, so you have to be patient. _


	39. Chapter 39

_A/N: Surprise! Here's the next chapter. I know I said my beta was out of town - and that's true - but I now have a "back up beta"! Big thanks to sara-sidle-csi-3 for correcting this story! Heaven sent you 'lol'. And like always big thanks to all you readers and a pretty big thanks to those who take the time to review. Now enjoy the chapter._

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**Chapter 39**

She knew she should sleep. She knew that tomorrow there lay an exhausting day in front of them. Yet, Catherine couldn't find rest. Her body was probably more than willing to travel in the land of dreams, but her mind was working overtime. Her conversation with Alex was playing in her mind over and over again. Her relationship with Lindsey was her fault – according to the psychologist just partly, but was that true? Could she really blame a little girl who wanted attention? Was Alex just trying to make her feel better?

She had so many unanswered questions. For the twentieth time the blonde thought about turning around and talking some more with Alex, but her conscience stopped her from waking the woman beside her, who was probably as tired as she felt herself.

Alex said she needed a plan for Lindsey and herself. And she needed to define certain rules for both of them. This couldn't be too hard, right? The hardest thing should be to stick to those rules. The last year they fell into a certain pattern. This pattern included a lot of yelling and door slamming. In the end it didn't really mattered what they were talking about - one had always the opposite opinion of the other. It looked like their only way of communicating with each other was arguing – and this had to stop.

Catherine wasn't sure if Alex plan would really work. After all she knew how stubborn her daughter could be. But again … could she really say she knew her daughter anymore? The psychologist was right, when she said that Lindsey wasn't a little kid anymore. She was a teenager. She grew up. Maybe she was a lot more reasonable now than Catherine believed.

Here and now she made a decision. She wouldn't dwell on the past. She knew she couldn't change it. All she could do now was look forward and try to change the future. The first thing she would do when she was home, was talking with Lindsey. She would tell that she missed her daughter and that it pained her to argue all the time with her. She would tell her about Alex suggestion concerning the rules and the plan and from that point it was up to Lindsey to make the next step.

No matter what would happen, Catherine wouldn't give up. She had a new goal in her life now: getting her daughter back. And even if her first attempt should fail, she wouldn't give up. She was called stubborn for a reason. With a smile she closed her eyes.

Unfortunately the images that were now popping up in her mind prevented her again from falling asleep. Those last hours all she thought about was Lindsey. But she had another problem to deal with – Sara. Okay, maybe problem was the wrong word. Challenge was probably more suitable.

Catherine wondered what her younger co-worker was doing right now. Somehow she doubted that Sara was peacefully sleeping. Either Sara's thoughts kept her up as well or she was already having a nightmare. Both ideas sounded logically. But Sara was a big girl, wasn't she? It was her own wish to spend the night alone. She knew from the beginning what she was going to face. The brunette also told her not to worry, that she would be fine.

Sighing inwardly, Catherine weighed her options. She could get up and check on Sara, what would probably piss her off, because she wanted to be alone and expected Catherine to trust her with this. The other option was to simply trust Sara enough to believe that she would come up here when she didn't want to be alone anymore and until then try to sleep. Somehow the last one sounded like the better one. Again Alex words from earlier echoed in her mind: stop worrying so much!

This was exactly what she was going to do. Sara would be fine – somehow – and as soon as she was home she would start making things with Lindsey right. And right now she needed to sleep so she was fit tomorrow, when she had to work on her friendship with Sara. Satisfied with her plan, Catherine closed her eyes, and after a few minutes she drifted of to sleep.

xxxxxx

With a sigh Sara finally closed the laptop. She was exhausted. Her eyes hurt from looking into the screen for hours. When she started to answer the Alex questions she never thought that it would take that long. It was almost 2 a.m. and her last answers were rather short due to the increasing pain in her hand and her head. Even though she kept herself short the last questions, she was really satisfied with herself.

She had taken Alex by the word and thought hard about the answers. Needless to say, that when Sara Sidle started thinking it could take a while. She also re-read her answers over and over again, sometimes wondering why the hell she wrote all that.

A few times in the last hours she was close to erasing her admission of the cutting. Again and again she got scared that Alex might be very disappointed and would loose all the hope in her or that she would use that information like Albert. But each time she came to the conclusion that it was a good idea to tell her. Sara still didn't feel ready to talk about it – the heart-to-heart talk she had with Catherine was enough for now – but she figured that it was a good start.

Actually the CSI was proud of herself. Like when she told Catherine about the seminar for the first time in the locker room, she was now willing to work on her issues. She was willing to give Alex a chance to understand her better and help her deal with things. If someone would have told her that yesterday she would have probably ripped his or her head off.

Sara chuckled dryly. Yesterday she was in a completely different mood. She was angry and aggressive – and all that because of that psycho. Her only wish was to never see that man again. Hopefully Albert already left the mansion.

Right now she felt fine – at least as fine as the situation would allow. Of course Sara also knew that saying everything was okay and what happened yesterday was forgotten was a big lie. Albert ripped a lot of old wounds open again - wounds which had already healed nicely, even wounds which she had totally forgotten about. Yesterday she felt like there was nothing she could do anymore, like her fate was already sealed, like her past had finally taken her over. After today she was more optimistic. Alex gave her hope.

The psychologist proved her trustworthiness throughout the day. She was understanding and empathetic, yet direct and honest – just the right mixture. She really seemed willing to help and not like for the sake of her job like Dr. Waters. Sara guessed she and Alex had something in common – they both did their job because they wanted to help and it was more than just a job – it was their life.

However this was just her impression after the first day. Tomorrow would show if things would go on like that. Sara was curious what Alex had planned for her and Catherine.

Catherine. She wondered briefly if her older co-worker was asleep by now or worrying about her. She really hoped for the first. Then another thought crossed her mind. She looked around the room. When her eyes fell on the table near the door, Sara couldn't help but smile. She had put the crème there. There very crème Catherine had made sure she had with her.

The brunette figured when her co-worker had allowed her to have some space tonight, she could do her the favor and take properly care of her hand. Slowly she walked over to the table, while carefully undressing her hand. Sara put the bandage down and picked the crème up to carry it back with her to the bed. She sat down and inspected her hand. Even in the dim light of Alex desk lamp her hand looked a bit swollen. The CSI sighed. She really hoped she wouldn't have to go to the hospital eventually.

When she finally managed to open the crème she carefully put it on her hand, wincing every now and then when she applied to much pressure. When she was sure that she didn't miss any spots, she finally climbed into bed and switched off the light. She pulled the covers tight around her and closed her eyes, waiting for the nightmares to come.

xxxxxx

Alex smiled to herself. It sounded like her companion was finally asleep. Catherine's breath had evened out and she had stopped turning around. A few times she expected the CSI to talk about her problems again, but to her surprise nothing happened. That could have been due to the fact that the psychologist had pretended to be deep asleep.

Like that Catherine had to deal on her own with whatever was on her mind. Of course Alex was willing to help, but when she had a patient there was just so much she could do. The big and more important part always lay by the patient. As a psychologist she could analyze things. She could make people realize stuff. But the real goal to finally accept old mistakes or painful events was something only the patient could achieve.

Alex knew that the CSI had a sharp mind, so she was sure that she would finally figure things out. And turning around and looking at the sleeping form beside her, she came to the conclusion that Catherine had done exactly that.

When the blonde started to talk about her daughter, she was surprised at how serious things seemed to be. All day Catherine appeared to be the strong one, the one who was willing to do everything to build a steady friendship with her co-worker and had no problem to make sacrifices for that. Of course Alex learned over the years that everyone has a weak spot. The strongest persons often have trouble with the easiest things, like talking to their children. Yet she wasn't concerned that Catherine wasn't going to win her daughter back. The CSI needed some sort of inspiration and Alex provided it.

The one person she was more worried about was Sara. When they said goodnight to each other, the young CSI seemed fine. She was obviously more relaxed than the rest of the day. But this could have been just a façade. It seemed that Sara was very talented in hiding her true feelings from the rest of the world. Of course it was her job to read people, but Sara Sidle was a real challenge.

She couldn't really blame her. After her meeting with Dr. Waters she took the time to read the rest of Albert's file. The brunette had a hard life – no question. Actually Alex was sure that there was more. She had the distinct feeling that Albert didn't find out everything about her. She really hoped that the young woman would bring it up sometime this week. But even if she did, the psychologist had decided that she would try everything to get Sara into a regular therapy.

She had a friend from college who had a practice in Las Vegas and who was skilled enough to help the CSI. Alex knew that talking Sara into that would be hard work. She obviously had been to psychologists before and wasn't happy with their work. Of course it's always a matter of the right attitude and when she didn't want help at that time no psychologist would have been successful. Right now Sara wanted help. If Alex managed to keep this like that, the chances were good that she could talk the brunette into therapy.

She would test the waters tomorrow. All she could hope for now was that Sara's nightmare wouldn't be too bad. Praying that she wouldn't have one in the first place was highly unrealistic. Hopefully the trust and confidence that build up today wouldn't be destroyed over night.

Deciding that there was nothing she could do about that now, Alex closed her eyes and followed the blonde beside her into the land of dreams.

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_A/N: You know, your opinion is important to me, so don't hesitate to review! The next chapter will be up soon. We will finally get a glimpse about Saras time with the McKeatons._


	40. Chapter 40

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! I cut this short, cause I'm a hurry. Enjoy the chapter and tell me what you think!_

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**Chapter 40**

_Sara sat on the couch in the living room, watching a documentary about black holes. She had already finished all her homework and was enjoying having the power about the remote control. It would probably be another hour until her foster sisters and brothers were finally done with their homework. She made sure that she finished first. It was her only chance to watch something interesting instead of the cartoons, soaps or talk shows the rest of the McKeaton household watched all the time. _

_Tonight Sara was even alone in the living room. Normally John or Helen, her current foster parents, were here, too, but to Sara's delight she was alone – something she really enjoyed, but hardly had since living here. Helen was somewhere upstairs doing housework and John wasn't home from work yet – luckily. _

_She focused back on the screen and tried to absorb as much information as she could, hoping that her knowledge would one day open her a better life. A few more minutes passed, before she finally heard the front door open. She stiffened, knowing what that meant. He was finally home. John was home._

_Sara thought about switching the TV off and returning back to her room, but before she managed to even grab the remote control, John entered the room. 'Not tonight' was all she thought._

_When John saw her sitting on the couch, a small smile appeared on his lips. Sara tried hard not to shudder at the look in his eyes. She fought the urge to scream and run away and put instead her best smile one. "Hey."_

_The mans smile grew wider as he sat down beside her. "Hey, Sugar." When Sara turned back to the television and ignored him, he tried to find out what she was watching. After a minute he finally gave up to understand what the guy in the suit on TV was talking about. "What are you watching?"_

_Sara tried hard not to roll her eyes. She wished that for once in her life she would be living with someone intelligent. With her eyes still glued to the screen she answered. "It's a documentary about black holes." When her foster father looked as clueless as before, she tried to elaborate. "It's about astronomy and astrophysics."_

_Another look at Johns face made her understand that it was pointless to explain anything any further because he probably had no idea what astronomy or astrophysics was about. Sara turned back to the television, trying to concentrate on the documentary again, but with John so close it was difficult. _

_She was silently praying that he would leave her alone, but of course she didn't have such luck. "Well, that sounds exiting. I'm going to watch that with you." With that he put his arms around her shoulders, pulling her against his body. Sara tensed up immediately, but still tried to concentrate on the TV._

_They sat like that for a while. Sara became more and more scared. John wasn't paying attention to the documentary at all, he was just looking at her. Then he started to slowly stroke her cheek. She had to bit her lip in order to stop herself from screaming. She didn't want that – not tonight – not again._

_Then she heard something to her right. Sara turned her head and saw Helen looking at her – at them. She sent her a pleading look, hoping that she would say something to make him stop, but like the other nights she didn't. Wordlessly Helen left the room again. _

_Before she knew what was going on, Johns hand was on her knee and slowly wandered upside. Sara clenched her teeth and closed her eyes. She tried not to panic. Being here wasn't so bad at all. It was still better than being back at one of the group homes. It was, wasn't it? _

_His hand moved further up._

_She managed to shut the world out when her dad was beating her up - like it wasn't happening to her. She could do this here, too. _

_Johns hand moved further up and suddenly Sara couldn't breathe anymore. No! Not tonight! She just couldn't! Without warning she jumped up, running to the bathroom. After all it was the only room with a lock. _

_Her foster father looked startled after her. "Hey, what's up, Sugar?" He called after her in his raspy voice._

_Sugar … oh how she hated that nickname. He always used it when he came to her room at night. But tonight she just couldn't. She didn't want to go back to a group home or yet another foster home with another punch of new people, but tonight she just wanted to be left alone. Without turning around she answered. "I think I'll be sick." Before John managed to reach her, Sara had locked herself into the bathroom._

_Just as tried to get her erratic breathing under control again, the door handle was pushed down and someone tried to enter forcefully. Surprised and scared she jumped back from the door. _

"_Open the door, Sugar! You know you are not allowed to lock the door."_

_Sara moved further against the wall opposite of the door. Right, she wasn't allowed to lock herself in. One night John caught her cutting herself and since then he had the perfect excuse to forbid her to lock a door. He said he was just afraid that she would do something stupid and hurt herself. Of course he wasn't concerned about her. John just wanted to make sure she had no place to hide, when he came after her._

_Sara crouched beside the toilet. What had she done? She knew the rules. She was here for two months now and she knew that this would make him angry – and only God knew what he would do to her now. Maybe she could lie to him. "I feel sick, Daddy-bear." Another rule she learned. Always call him Daddy-bear. _

_This time there was a soft knock on the door. "Just open the door, Sugar, and Daddy-bear will make it all better." _

_Thinking about what he meant made her really sick. Quickly she opened the toilet and emptied her stomach contents into it. Now she wasn't lying anymore at least. Again there was a knock on the door. "Sara?"_

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Catherine stood in front of Sara's room – or better yet, Alex room – with the first-aid-kit in hand. To her own surprise she actually managed to get some sleep tonight. It was dreamless, but it was sleep and rest nevertheless.

Since she was awake the one thing on her mind was Sara. How was she? Did she sleep well? Could she sleep at all? Alex had managed to hold her back for thirty minutes after they got up, but then Catherine couldn't wait any longer. She had grabbed the kit and used it as a pretense to head to Alex room.

And here she was now, standing in front of the door, knocking. Actually she had been knocking for a few minutes now – with no reaction. To say that this made her worried was an understatement. She doubted that Sara already went for breakfast. Maybe she was in the bathroom and couldn't hear her.

Or did she do something … stupid? With that thought Catherine started to knock again, harder this time. "Sara!?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Sara still sat beside the toilet, thinking of a way out. Johns knocks became louder, but … his voice … it was different. Softer. Almost concerned. And definitely female. _

Sara blinked. What was going on here? With a start she sat up in her bed, sweat dripping from her forehead. This wasn't a bathroom. This wasn't the home of the McKeaton's. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and to regulate her breathing. Then there was a knock again.

"This isn't John! This isn't John!" Sara whispered over and over again to herself.

"Sara?"

Catherine? What was she doing here? "Yeah?" Sara's voice was hoarse and hardly loud enough to be heard at the other side of the door. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Yeah?"

Outside the door Catherine sighed relieved. Sara was in there after all. "I just thought I might wake you up and I brought the first-aid-kit, so we can dress your hand again."

Sara looked around the room. Did she want to be pampered from Catherine right now? If she was honest … not really. But if she sent her away she would hurt her feelings – again. And the brunette really didn't want that. Catherine bit the bullet last night with allowing her to sleep here, so now she had to do the same. "Just a second!"

She jumped up and grabbed her clothes before going over to the door. She took one last breath before opening it. "Hey, Catherine."

Catherine took in Sara's appearance. Her clothes were crinkled, her hair was a mess and she looked … panicked?

Sara stepped back to let her in. "Thanks for waking me. Can you give me five minutes? I just want to take a quick shower. Then you can play nurse again, okay?" She tried to smile at her co-worker, but didn't succeed. So instead of waiting for a reply she headed directly for the bathroom.

"You had a nightmare again?" It was more a statement than a question.

The brunette cringed and turned around again. "NO!" Okay, where was the point in lying? Catherine knew exactly what was going on. "Yes. Maybe a little one."

Instead of the I-told-you-so she had expected, the blonde looked at her concerned. "Are you okay?"

Hastily Sara nodded. "I'm fine." After a short pause, she added. "Okay, fine is probably the wrong word…" She trailed off again, not really eager to talk about her dream. "Look, just give me five minutes. I really need a hot shower."

Catherine nodded, understanding her co-workers wish. "Okay, I'll wait here for you."

The relief was visible on Sara's face, even a small smile appeared. "Great! I'll be right back." With that she turned around again and locked the bathroom door behind her.

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_A/N: Next chapter we will finally learn what Alex plan for the day is. Stay tuned :-)_


	41. Chapter 41

_A/N: Chapter 41 is finally ready. Thanks to those who reviewed!  
E__rin: No books yet, but who knows … ;-) I once started one, but I never finished. Probably better like that "lol"_

**Chapter 41**

Sara put another fork full of scrambled eggs in her mouth. She tried hard not to shudder at the taste. She had never been a fan of eggs, but today it looked like these were her only choice. It had nothing to do with meat, because the buffet was well stocked and contained a lot of vegetarian things.

Catherine for example had a pile of delicious looking pancakes on her plate. So why was she eating these eggs for breakfast, which looked like they were already eaten once? Because she was Sara Sidle and like so often her pride got the best of her. Everything on that damn buffet – beside the scrambled eggs of course – would have needed to be cut in pieces before she would have finally been able to eat it. And considering the fact that she had just one hand available, cutting anything was out of question.

Sure, she could have asked Catherine to cut her pancakes for her. But again: she was Sara Sidle and would never do something like that. This was the reason she was stuck with these horrible scrambled eggs. The only good thing so far seemed to be the coffee, so she drank plenty of it. Catherine on the other hand was happily chewing on her blueberry pancakes, totally oblivious to her co-workers distress.

They were eating their breakfast in silence. It wasn't really an uncomfortable one, though it was okay. Each woman used the time to think of a good topic to talk about once they finished eating. Due to the fact that Alex had to attend a spontaneous staff meeting right now they were alone.

Catherine wondered what this unplanned meeting was about. She truly hoped it had nothing to do with Albert. Alex had no idea herself when she left. Her mind drifted off to what happened this morning.

After Sara's quick shower Catherine had carefully dressed her hand again. She hadn't mentioned Sara nightmare. The brunette still seemed to be a little out of it when she came out of the bathroom. Catherine figured that if Sara was ready to talk she would do it. There was really no point in bringing the topic up before.

What the blonde CSI did mention was the fact that Sara's hand looked just as swollen as yesterday. The brunette had told her that this was a good sign and that this proved that she did no additional damage over night to make it worse. Catherine on the other hand held the opinion that if her hand wasn't seriously injured the swelling would have gone back long ago. Of course Sara being Sara still refused to see the medical doctor Alex talked about the other day. And after a little while Catherine gave up trying to convince her.

They had made their way back to the other room where Alex was waiting for them. Catherine and Sara wanted to pick her up for breakfast. That was when the psychologist had told them that there was a spontaneous staff meeting this morning. She had mumbled something about the weather and told them she would meet them later in the restaurant. That was the reason why they were sitting here alone.

To the surprise of both women there wasn't that awkward tension between them. Sure, they weren't totally relaxed either, but it wasn't like yesterday. So after a bit of pointless and harmless small talk they ate their breakfast in silence.

After Sara had forced down 2/3 of her scrambled eggs she decided that she had enough. She was never a fan of breakfast, most of the time not a fan of eating in general. That would at least be an explanation why she always forgot it. And considering that her breakfast were those horrible tasting eggs she didn't feel encouraged at all to eat just one more bite. She pushed the plate away and leaned back in the chair, drinking some more coffee to get rid off the taste.

Catherine was just about to finish her last pancake – still oblivious to Sara's problem. She decided that if she did not consider the reason why they were here, this place was great. She somehow fell in love with the old mansion the first time she saw it. Not to mention the beautiful park and after being here for three days she could without doubt say that the cook was a genius.

When she had finished, she looked over to Sara. Her eyes fell immediately on her only half eaten plate. Sara's portion wasn't big from the beginning, which meant that she hardly ate anything. The blonde couldn't help but sigh. Why was this woman so stubborn? Didn't she say sometime during these last days that she wanted to take better care of herself? Maybe she was just in pain and therefore had no appetite? There was just one way to find out. "Are you in pain?"

Sara stopped looking out of the window and turned surprised to Catherine. "No. Why would you ask that?" Of course there was that permanent stinging pain in her hand, but she'd already gotten used to it and didn't consider it as real pain anymore.

The older CSI studied her closely, trying to decipher whether she was telling the truth or not. "Well, I thought that maybe the pain took your appetite away …"

Sara couldn't help but smirk. "It wasn't really the pain. We can blame it on these horrible eggs instead, okay?"

Catherine raised an eyebrow. She wasn't sure if she should believe her co-worker or not. Sara obviously noticed that and pushed her plate over to her.

"Try for yourself if you don't believe me. They really are horrible." The brunette made sure to keep her tone light, so Catherine would know that she wasn't mad at her for not believing her in the first place.

When Catherine finally tried the food, Sara tried hard to keep a straight face, because the expression of her co-worker was priceless. Even a blind man could see that the blonde didn't like the scrambled eggs either.

Catherine tried hard not to spit out everything again. When she had finally managed to swallow it, she immediately grabbed her orange juice to get rid off the taste. Disgusted she turned to Sara. "How the hell did you manage to eat that much of it?!"

The brunette just shrugged, a small smile tucking at her lips.

The older CSI shook her head. Those eggs really tasted awful. She would have stopped eating them after just one bite. Sara didn't really eat much either. Maybe she could convince her to eat something else. "Why don't you get yourself something else? You really didn't eat much. You should try the pancakes. They were great."

Sara shook her head. "Nah, I'm okay. Don't worry. I've never been a breakfast person anyway."

Catherine sighed, obviously not happy about Sara's eating habits. The brunette watched her open her mouth for a lecture about healthy nutrition, but to her surprise the blonde seemed to change her mind. Instead her features softened, before she spoke up again. "I'm not going to lecture you, but you need to take better care of yourself."

"I'm really okay, Catherine. Thanks for looking out for me, but I've never been a big eater." She paused, before adding. "You know, I never really got much as a kid and I kind of got used to it."

A soft understanding smile appeared on Catherine's face. Sara Sidle was willingly sharing something from her past. "All right then…." She didn't get any further, because Alex suddenly showed up and sat down at the table.

"Hey guys."

Both CSIs returned her greeting.

"I hate these spontaneous meetings – especially when there is no food involved. I'm starving." Before Catherine or Sara managed to stop her, Alex already had fork full of scrambled eggs in her mouth.

The two investigators looked at each other, then back at Alex, who was – according to her face – just realizing her mistake.

Alex eyes went wide. She closed her eyes for a second and forced the food down her throat, all the while trying not to gag. "Where the hell did they pull that out from?!"

Catherine and Sara couldn't help but chuckle. Alex just glared at them. Catherine tried to hide her smirk and handed the psychologist her glass with orange juice.

Alex thankfully accepted it and took a big gulp. She shook her head and handed the glass back to Catherine. "You know, you could have given me a warning."

The two CSIs looked at each other again, then back to Alex, shrugging. It was Sara who answered. "You were just too fast for us."

That earned them another playful glare from the psychologist. "Are you trying to get rid off me?" Her tone was light and anything but serious.

Again it was Sara who answered. "Don't insult us! We are two smart CSIs. If we would like to get rid off you, we would find a better way than scrambled eggs."

Catherine couldn't help but chuckle. Sara seldom showed humor, But when her dry humor came through, she just loved it. She shook her head and turned to Alex, hoping to get a few answers. "So, how was that mysterious meeting – despite the lack of food?"

Alex took another sip of Catherine juice before she started to re-call what she had just learned. "At each seminar we do a little orientation trip. Each team gets a map and a compass and has to find a camp which is somewhere in the woods. Once there they get food, water, and can rest. And after a break they have to find their way back. This trip is usually on Thursday, but due to the bad weather which is expected for tomorrow, they want to do it today."

Catherine and Sara glanced at each other, both having the same thought. Hiking!? In that sticky weather?!

The psychologist continued. "Every half hour a team starts. The point is that you have to spend time together and work as a team to find the camp. Normally the participants go alone, without their assigned psychologist, but I actually think it might be a good idea if I come with you…that is if you don't mind."

The CSIs shared another quick glance. Again they had the same thought: This was an excellent idea. They both nodded in agreement.

"Great!" Alex exclaimed. "Then it's settled. We start our little trip at 12 and hopefully are back around 6 or 7 p.m."

Catherine and Sara groaned simultaneously. That meant six to seven hours of hiking! They were not looking forward to it.

Alex, seeing their unhappy faces, tried to calm them down. "Don't worry. It sounds worse than it is. We walk about two to two and a half hours. Then there will be a long break at the camp. After that the same time back to the mansion. Of course that depends on whether you can read a map and use a compass." She couldn't help but laugh when the two investigators glared at her. After a while she held her hands up in surrender. "Okay, I take it back. I didn't mean to insult the big brains of yours." Alex was still laughing, but this time Catherine and Sara joined her.

Catherine looked at Sara. The first time since their arrival she looked really relaxed. It was good to her hear laugh. She did that way to rarely back home. Of course in their job there wasn't much to laugh about. But still…sometimes humor was the only thing that made you stay sane. Seeing that sparkle in Sara's eyes gave her more hope – hope that they would be okay finally.

She had to admit, the breakfast wasn't awkward at all. Sure they had hardly talked, but she had expected it to be worse. And Sara seemed to be fine – despite whatever nightmare she had. Maybe she would tell her about it later.

Then a thought crossed her mind. She took a quick glance at her watch. "It's 9. What will we do until 12?"

Alex looked slowly from Catherine to Sara and back, before answering. She really hoped the two women would accept her suggestion. "Well, actually I wanted to read your questionnaires. I thought you two could do some talking on your own in the meantime."

Sara looked at Catherine. Did she really want that? Or better: could she deal with it? Until now the mood was good, but they were just making small talk. This would probably change now. The brunette glanced again at her co-worker. It looked like she was the one expected to make that decision – something she was really thankful for. Catherine still seemed to believe that they could work everything out.

She took a deep breath. She could do that. Breakfast was okay, even before Alex arrived here. Maybe it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't horrible either. She could talk to Catherine. The blond wouldn't hurt her right? She wouldn't! Sara took another look at Catherine's eyes and what she saw there made her make her decision. She was met with concern and understanding – and that was all she needed. "That sounds like a good idea."

A big smile appeared on Catherine's face, when she heard that. It looked like all Sara needed was a bit of space last night. The brunette answered her smile with one of her own.

Alex stood up, satisfied. "Okay, how about you just stick with light topics and just get comfortable talking to each other again? And this afternoon we talk about some tougher issues, okay?"

Both CSIs agreed.

"Okay, perfect. Then I suggest we meet quarter to 12 here again. I'll bring a backpack and the map and the compass. From the cook we can get drinks for the day as well as some food."

Catherine answered for both of them. "Okay, we'll meet you here then." When Alex had left the restaurant, the blonde turned to Sara. "How about we look for a nice bench in the park? Some place to rest before we have to go on that marathon."

Sara nodded. "Sounds good to me."

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	42. Chapter 42

_A/N: Hey guys, the next chapter is ready. Thanks for reading and reviewing. _

_I hope you'll enjoy reading!_

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**Chapter 42**

Catherine and Sara were sitting on the same bench as they did on Monday morning, again looking out over the lake. They had stayed silent on their way here, but again it wasn't an uncomfortable silence.

Both women tried to get their thoughts in order and figure out good and, above all, safe topics to talk about. Finally it was Catherine who broke the silence. "I know Alex said light topics, but … Look, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, okay? I was just wondering if you would like to talk about your nightmare."

Sara sighed. How did she know that her co-worker would bring up something like this? Did she want to talk about her nightmare? It was out of question to tell Catherine the details of her dream – the blonde already pitied her enough as it was. But maybe she could tell her some general things anyway, so Catherine would be satisfied and realize that Sara too tried to make this work – even if it wasn't easy.

After Sara's sigh Catherine didn't really expect an answer from her younger co-worker. If she was to be honest, this didn't surprise her. But it was worth a shot. Maybe it was the best to let the brunette decide what to talk about. Before she could tell her that, Sara proved her wrong, because she actually started talking.

"Albert ripped open a lot of old wounds. Things I haven't really thought about in a long long time." Sara's voice was emotionless when she spoke. It was the only way she could talk about it.

Catherine turned on the bench, so she was facing Sara. She wanted the brunette to know that she had her full attention.

The younger woman took a deep breath before continuing. "I normally try to pretend that most of the things from my childhood never happened. That usually works so well for me, that if you would have asked me last week about, for example, some details about certain foster homes, I wouldn't have been able to give them to you. But since Monday everything is back – and as you probably have already figured out, my past holds everything a good horror movie needs." She sent Catherine a weak smile.

"It's funny, you know? I don't have any memory about my dreams from the first two nights, but from what you have told me about them, I actually have some vague ideas about their contents." Sara trailed off again, looking out onto the smooth surface of the lake. The little ducks they had spotted on Monday were again happily paddling near the shore. It even made her smile a little bit.

"When we were with Albert and I freaked out when you tried to touch me…" She looked at Catherine, silently asking if she knew what she was talking about. When her co-worker nodded, she continued. "I was suddenly back home then. That very day my father…died." Her voice wavered a bit with the last word. Sara couldn't really believe what she was doing. She actually talked about 'the day' – volunteering. She didn't know the last time she did that. Okay, the last time was Grissom…but that was different.

She swallowed the lump that had started to form in her throat and went on. "After I saw my mother stabbing him I ran away and tried to hide in a corner of the living room." She let out a dry laugh when she remembered it. "Of course it wasn't really a good hiding place. After she had stopped her…attack…she came to me and I thought that she would kill me, too. And to make a long story short, on Monday somehow my genius mind mixed past with present. I mixed you with my mother. That's why I couldn't stand your touch that moment."

A thousand thoughts were running through Catherine's head now. Sara thought she was her mother? Did she look like Sara's mother? Did Sara always see her mother when she was looking at her? Was this the reason why they had never gotten along? Did she remind Sara of her mother when she said all those nasty things to her over the years? Catherine's expression must have given her thoughts away, because Sara spoke up again.

"Don't worry, Catherine. You don't look like her at all. Believe me! I don't see her when I look at you. It was just the situation in this moment. It could have been Albert who touched me and I would have seen my mother anyway, okay?" Sara looked at her co-worker, hoping that she would believe her. The last thing she wanted with her little admission was to make Catherine feel guilty. She cursed her people skills.

"See, this happens if I start to talk. I have a talent to always say the wrong things." Sara sighed and dropped her head in her hands.

Catherine looked at the younger woman, trying to understand what just happened those last seconds. One moment she felt worried that Sara saw her mother in her and that this was the reason they fought so much. The next moment Sara reassures her that this wasn't the case and due to her lack of response, because her brain got stuck somewhere, Sara's insecurities took over and now suddenly the young brunette blamed herself. Catherine shook her head. This made no sense. She had to correct that.

"Sara, it's fine. You didn't say anything wrong. Actually I'm really glad that you are telling me all of this." The blonde paused, looking for the right words. "Well, for a moment I thought you might see your mother in me and that kind of stunned me, because I wasn't expecting something like that, but if you say that this isn't the case then I believe you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You hear me? I think it's really good that you talk about it."

Suddenly she remembered something that Alex told her yesterday: Look for physical contact – not too much, just a pat on the shoulder or something like that. Carefully she placed her hand on Sara's knee.

The brunette immediately tensed out of reflex. She looked from Catherine's hand to her face and back to her hand.

The older woman was about to take her hand away, when Sara relaxed again and spoke up. "Okay. It's okay."

Catherine wasn't sure what Sara referred to. If she was accepting that she didn't do anything wrong or if she was okay with the hand on her knee. She guessed it didn't really matter anyway. She gave Sara's knee a soft squeeze, then removed her hand.

They stayed silent for a few minutes.

Catherine thought that Sara wouldn't tell her more about her nightmares or flashbacks, but again her co-worker surprised her.

"You still want to know about last night?"

The blonde nodded slowly. "Only if you want to talk about it. Otherwise I could tell you something about my night."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "Did you have a nightmare, too?"

Catherine shook her head, smiling at the concern in Sara's voice. "No, but I had an interesting talk with Alex."

The younger CSI didn't know what to think of that. "Okay…I tell you first and then you tell me?" She sounded insecure.

Catherine smiled at her. "Okay." She had never talked to Sara about Lindsey before and she it was still an uncomfortable topic, because she thought she failed as a mother, but her co-worker deserved to know stuff like that after all the things she knew about her.

Sara nodded and took another deep breath. "Last night I dreamt about one of my foster homes - the McKeatons. You know, the ones Albert described as saints?" When Catherine nodded she continued. "They weren't saints." Sara's features hardened as she thought about them. Now was the question, what she wanted to tell Catherine. She had never ever told anyone about the abuse she'd received at the McKeatons home – and she swore herself she never would.

"I really don't want to talk about all the details, but they … let's just say they treated us – all their kids – like shit." It wasn't the best explanation, but it was better than nothing. She really hoped that Catherine saw it like that, too. "You are probably wondering why I stayed their anyway. That's easy. It was still better than living in one of the group homes. I was allowed to go to school and I had my own room with my own stuff." She turned to Catherine. "Sounds desperate, doesn't it?"

The blonde shook her head. "No, it doesn't. I can't say I can relate to it or that I can understand your decision, but I'm sure you made the decision best for you at that time. It just pains me to hear stuff like that. It is…so sad. You should have never been in the position to make such decision – no child should. But again: thanks for telling me. I promise whatever you tell me stays between us."

Sara nodded. "Thanks. That means a lot."

When silence started to stretch between them again, Catherine figured it was her time to walk. "I guess it's my turn now." Again she turned sideways, so that she was facing Sara. Her co-worker also turned to her.

"As I said before I had a talk with Alex last night after she came back." She wanted to start about Lindsey when she remembered something else she forgot to pass on. "By the way, you don't have to worry about Albert anymore. Waters obviously tied him into knots and he ran away, like a little child. We are probably never going to hear from him again." Like last night she couldn't help grinning at picturing this.

Sara also started to smile. "That's good news – real good news. I feared I might run into him." Her smile fell. "I don't know what I would have done if he had provoked me again." She turned away from Catherine, shaking her head. "Sad, isn't it?"

"Don't worry. If I ever met him again he would a least get a good slap. I really hate that guy now. After the session everything that happened to us started to sink in and it made me really angry and it made me understand you a lot better."

Sara looked up again, straight into Catherine's eyes. She tried to decipher whether her co-worker was lying and just trying to make her feel better or if she truly meant that.

The blonde easily held her intense look. Sometimes a look can say more than thousand words. As if reading the other woman's thoughts, she answered. "I would never lie to you, Sara. That's something I can promise you."

The brunette held her gaze for a few more seconds, but she couldn't find any indication that Catherine was lying. She accepted her co-workers answer and brought the conversation back to the original topic. "So what did you and Alex talk about?"

Catherine was relieved that Sara believed her. Now it was time to share some things, too. "We talked about Lindsey. More precisely we talked about the relationship Linds and I have at the moment."

When Sara looked quizzically at her, she once again realized that Sara hardly went out with the team these last months, because otherwise she would have inevitably heard her complain about it. She always told her co-workers and friends about Lindsey's latest actions. Putting the thought to the back of her mind, Catherine elaborated upon the problem.

"To say that our relationship is stormy lately is and understatement. We have that big communication problem going on. We don't communicate with each other and if we do on rare occasions we are just yelling at each other."

Catherine tried to keep her tone as light as the topic would allow it. She just wanted to inform Sara about the trouble in her own life and not depress her more, but Sara sensed immediately how serious this topic was for her co-worker.

Her eyes gave her away. Now she needed to show some people skills – great! "I'm sorry to hear that. I had no idea." That sounded at least like a good start.

"Last night before Alex came back I was about to go crazy. After finishing with the questionnaires I started to asses my relationship with Lindsey, because the topic appeared in a few of my answers, and well…the result, I finally got the shit scared out of me. I really thought I totally messed up raising her and that I lost her forever."

Sara couldn't believe her ears. Why would Catherine think something like that? She was a wonderful mother, who loved her daughter with all her heart. She could tell that by the way her eyes sparkled every time she talked about her and by the way cases with children affected her. How could she seriously believe that she didn't do a good job in raising Lindsey?

"Why would you say that, Catherine? You are a great mother and the last time I checked, Lindsey had turned out to be a beautiful teenager. And arguments happen. I think they are even healthy every now and then. Lindsey is lucky to have you as a mother."

Catherine couldn't help but smile at Sara's attempt to make her feel better. It felt nice to have her say all those things – yet it didn't change anything. "Thanks, Sara, but it doesn't change the fact that I made a lot of mistakes and it's my fault that we are constantly at each others throats – according to Alex just partly, but my fault nevertheless."

Sara shook her head. Was Catherine really that blind - even after everything she learned those last days? "Of course you made mistakes. Everyone makes them."

The older CSI frowned. Weren't those Alex's exact words?

"But I still think you are a wonderful mother. You love Lindsey and you would do anything for her and even if you shout at her every now and then, you have your reasons and you would never hurt her." Then Sara added. "This is everything I ever dreamt of."

The whispered admission made Catherine want to cry. To her surprise Sara went on quietly.

"On the one hand I never understood why families fight so much - over everything. Small totally unimportant things are used to create big arguments. People nowadays don't appreciate what they have. That is because they don't know what it's like without. If Lindsey knew what its like to have to live without parents, maybe with total strangers instead, then she would appreciate you and all you do for her more. It maybe sounds masochistic, but if I had the chance I would do everything to prevent that night my father died. Sure, I often got hurt and there was a lot of screaming, too, but nevertheless, they were my parents and I think I loved them. And not everything was bad. There were times when my parents showed me that they cared. Yeah, so the moments were rare, but they were there nevertheless."

Sara paused. Deeply lost in thought she went on. "On the other hand I think I can relate to Lindsey somehow. After all, I know what it's like when your father dies a violent death. It changes the behavior of people around you. Some make fun of you, some treat you like you are made of glass. All this makes you angry and you lash out at the people around you, because it feels like no one understands you - and probably no one does..." Sara was lost in memories, She didn't even realize she said all that out loud until she felt two eyes bore into her.

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. For someone who doesn't like to talk, Sara could throw out some real serious stuff when she first started – even if it didn't sound like she was aware of the fact that she just told her co-worker all of that. Catherine was at a loss for words. It made sense. Everything Sara said made sense.

Alex gave her away out of her dilemma last night – Sara just gave her an explanation. For both she was more than grateful.

When Sara looked up again and realized that the blonde was still staring at her, she blushed and turned away again. A nervous laugh escaped Sara's mouth. "This is exactly the reason why I hate talking. I just have the tendency to talk the greatest bullshit. Do us both a favor and don't listen to me." She stood up and walked the few feet to the water.

Why oh why couldn't she just shut up. She just told Catherine what her daughter might feel and she knew that Catherine Willows didn't like to be told anything and she definitely didn't need or want any advice concerning her daughter from someone as messed up as Sara was. What did she think? Like that they would never become friends. "I'm sorry."

Hearing Sara apologize, Catherine jumped up and was immediately at her side. "I don't believe you!"

Here it comes, was all Sara could think.

"Why do you have such a low self-esteem? Okay, forget that question. You need more self-confidence. Sara, what you just said…it made so much sense. I never thought about this before, but you have a lot in common with Lindsey. Therefore you can probably relate to her. Last night Alex told me how to make things right, that I should talk to her, that I should set certain rules for that talk. This whole 'don't interrupt, be honest and respect each other'-thing. It sounded good and I really think it can work, but what Alex failed to give me last night were concrete reasons for Linds' behavior. I mean, I know for myself that it all started with Eddie's death, but what you just said made so much sense. Now I know better how to talk to her and what to talk about. And therefore I owe you a thank you – and you definitely don't have to apologize for anything."

Sara looked at her stunned. This wasn't what she had expected. But did she really mean it? Oh God, damn insecurities. She needed more self-esteem. Now! She took a deep breath. "Really?" When Catherine nodded she couldn't help the smile that started to appear on her face.

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_A/N: Please please tell me what you think!  
The next chapter will be up in a few days. Cath and Sara talk some more before they finally have to go hiking._


	43. Chapter 43

_A/N: As promised here's the next chapter. Thanks to those who reviewed! You are all the most perfect readers I've ever dreamt of ;-)_

_Enjoy the chapter!!!!_

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**Chapter 43**

"So…how was filling out the questionnaire?" Catherine's question sounded casual, even if she was more than curious about the answer. They were both lying in the grass by now, trying to collect their strength for later. Catherine turned to her side and popped herself up on her elbow to study Sara.

The brunette was lying on her back, looking into the clear blue sky. She still couldn't believe that they were expecting a big storm tomorrow. It looked so quiet up there. But then…she knew how the weather in Nevada could switch from one moment to the next. Sara thought about Catherine's question. It sounded like a strange question. Then a small smile appeared on her lips before she finally answered cheerfully, "It was great actually. I don't remember when I had that much fun the last time."

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. "Is this some sort of joke for you? I thought you would take this serious. Damn it, I …"

But she didn't get any further, because Sara burst out laughing.

The blonde looked stunned at Sara. Did Sara Sidle just play a joke on her? A real real bad joke? She shook her head and was about to start a lecture, but then she looked at her younger co-worker. The brunette was still laughing and now rolling around in the grass with tears in her eyes. That sight literally left her speechless. She never saw her so carefree. She never saw her laughing like that before. There was probably no one in Vegas who had.

Catherine shook her head, but couldn't help the smile on her face. The situation itself was probably not so funny. Actually the questionnaire was a serious topic, but like mentioned before: sometimes the only thing that gets you through tough times is humor. And if that made Sara feel better, there was no way she would take that moment away from her. Instead she decided to play along, her tone teasing "You know, for such a smart girl you have a really wicked sense of humor, Sidle."

Sara had stopped laughing and turned to her side to face Catherine. God, she didn't remember when she had laughed like that the last time. While she spoke she was wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry, Catherine. It's just…your face was priceless."

When she saw the blonde smiling back at her, she knew she wasn't mad. "To answer your unasked question: of course I tackled the task very seriously. I took Alex's advice to heart and thought long and hard about the answers. And I think it really was easier to write things down instead of talking about them."

Catherine nodded. She could relate to that. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I think without those questions I don't know if I would have talked to Alex about Lindsey."

Sara turned back on her back, again gazing into the sky. Her expression turned serious. Without looking at her co-worker she spoke up after a minute of silence. "I think it's sad. I think we are sad."

That statement surprised Catherine. She wasn't really sure where Sara was heading. "What do you mean?"

The brunette shrugged. "Look at us. We both have stressful lives – no question there. But I think somewhere along the way we lost our focus of the really important things."

Catherine frowned. "I still don't get it."

Sara turned her head and gave her a weak smile. "We are so engrossed in our work or in what we call our life that we no longer pay attention to the really important things. You said it yourself: you probably wouldn't have realized how serious your problems with Lindsey are. Yet, after two hours you suddenly realized it. I mean, all it took were two hours in which you thought about your life. You figured out the greatest problems and already started to make plans to fix them. Do you see where I'm going now?"

The blonde nodded sadly. "If I would have sat down two years ago and took the time to think about everything it would have never gotten out of hand like this."

"That's what I'm talking about."

Suddenly a small smile appeared on Catherine's face. "You know, if you keep saying things like that you can compete with Alex."

Sara chuckled. "I kind of doubt it."

They fell into a comfortable silence. Each woman thought about what she could have realized sooner in her life and fixed before it became a real problem. The result was truly sad.

After a while Sara broke the silence. "I told her."

Catherine turned to her, frowning. Did she miss part of that conversation? She doubted it. So what was Sara talking about? Before she managed to formulate an adequate reply, the brunette explained further.

"I told her about the cutting. I wrote it down"

The blonde was speechless. She really didn't see that coming. Even if it was of course a pleasant surprise. So what was she supposed to do now? Compliment her on it? Would that make her feel awkward? Should she just ignore the comment? Should she just nod in acknowledgement? Would that make her feel not respected? Damn! She decided to go with her heart. "I'm proud of you, Sara. I know that this wasn't easy for you, but you did the right thing."

Sara turned to her and they looked at each other for a moment. For a second Catherine thought she had said the wrong thing, but then a small smile appeared on Sara's face. "Thanks."

Catherine reached for Sara's hand and gave it a soft squeeze. Due to the fact that Sara didn't even tense, the blonde was doing in internal happy dance.

The younger CSI appreciated the blondes comfort, but her smile slowly faded away. "But I honestly don't know if it was really that courageous what I did. I mean sure, it was kind of hard, because I think I deleted and rewrote it for about twelve times, but the problem is more about what I wrote…because that wasn't all that courageous. I told her that I don't want to talk about this topic. That I just wanted to let her know. Considering this I would say my admission was kind of pointless…even cowardly, don't you think?"

Catherine thought about it for a moment. Cutting was somehow comparable to alcohol. It was a sort of addiction, so maybe it was time to follow Alex's advice and tell Sara about her own addiction. It would probably make her feel better if she knew that there was someone who experienced all those messed up feelings once. She took a deep breath before finally replying.

"I don't think you are a coward, Sara. I know that it took a lot of courage to write it down in the first place and maybe you feel comfortable enough some time this week to talk to Alex about it. I actually think that talking about a problem is not as important as admitting that it is there in the first place."

Sara eyed her doubtfully, not really believing it.

"Trust me, if you don't realize that there is a problem in the first place, no one will ever be able to help you." After a pause she added. "I've been there."

That got Sara's full attention. "What do you mean?"

"As a dancer you always have to look good. You always have to be in good mood. You always have to stay in shape. That in itself can drive a woman crazy. You know, that there are just days, when you look like shit because you feel like shit inside and not a ton of makeup could hide that. Or when you are really sad about something and you just can't get yourself to smile. As a CSI it doesn't matter. You can be grumpy or you can look like hell. In our line of business it doesn't matter. But as a dancer it did matter. And when the manager wasn't satisfied with your outfit, your mood, your body, then he would simply fire you. That pressure can really drive you crazy. The other thing that could do that were customers. Most were harmless, quietly sitting at their table and drinking their beer or every now and then throwing some money your way."

Sara listened intensely.

"But there were others too. Those who when they look at you make you shudder, but not from some sort of arousal but from pure fear and disgust. Believe me, I met a lot of man those days and a few I'll never forget. At one point I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something that helped me stay relaxed, in good mood, thin, something that made all those hungry eyes unimportant."

Catherine let out a dry laugh. "Of course my always concerned husband had the perfect solution for me: cocaine."

Sara was shocked. Not about Catherine's description of her former life – she pictured it like that – but about her admission about the drugs. Never in a thousand years would she have expected that Catherine Willows – always confident and strong Catherine Willows – to fall for any sort of drug. Sara wasn't sure how to respond to that. Unsure she asked. "Did it help?"

Catherine snorted. "Hell yes, it did. Whenever I took it I was in heaven. Everything seemed perfect and nothing really bothered me anymore. My boss loved me like that and Eddie did too when we were in bed. He said it made me so relaxed and open for everything." She couldn't help but shudder, thinking about those times. She had no problems with the fact that she took her clothes off for a living, but she was absolutely not proud of the whole drug addiction.

Sara was speechless. She didn't know what to say, so she stayed silent and allowed Catherine to tell her story.

"In the beginning it was great. God I was so naïve. I took it just when I had a bad day, but by playing with drugs it was just a matter of time until I became a real addict. And the time came fast. Soon I needed my dose at least once a day. But still, I didn't think I had a problem I had to get rid off. A few friends tried to talk me into rehab and once they even succeeded, but I never made it through, because I was convinced I didn't have a problem."

"What changed?"

"I did. I became pregnant and after a long lecture from my doctor I finally realized I had a big problem. Again I went into rehab and that time I made it. That's the reason why I think that realizing that you have a problem is the most important step. I'm not going to tell you it'll be an easy road, because we both know that's not the case. And don't believe you will ever get rid off the cravings. I still get them every now and then. For example when I'm near cocaine or when I'm under a lot of stress, but I never gave in and I never will."

Sara nodded numbly, trying to process everything Catherine just told her. "I'm not as strong as you are."

"Yes you are, Sara. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. Look at what you went through in your life. Yet, you never gave up. You fought your way through everything. You are strong." When Sara didn't reply, she continued. "How about we extend our deal from Monday to cutting? If you want to cut yourself or if you want to drink yourself senseless then you give me a call. No matter when, okay?"

Sara thought about it. Technically they didn't really have deal, considering that Sara never agreed to Catherine's suggestion in the first place. Then why did she feel like she made that promise anyway? Why was life so confusing? At least she could do Catherine the favor and try. "I'll do my best."

The blonde sent her a smile. "That's all I wanted to hear. You can do it, Sara."

Sara nodded. After a short silence she said. "Thanks - for sharing and you know…"

"Anytime."

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_A/N: Okay, enough rest for the two CSIs. Next chapter they have to go hiking - whether they like it or not ;-)_

_And feel free to tell me what you think about this chapter!_


	44. Chapter 44

_A/N: Hey guys, I'm so so so so so sorry for not updating sooner. This week was really busy and everytime when I had time to write the right words just didn't want to come out. But today I finally managed to finish another chapter._

_I just want to thank you for all the reviews you submitted. I'm glad you think my story is (kind of) realistic. I hope I can keep this up until the end. _

_As for the story itself: I promise that the hike will bring an unexpected twist - at least I hope I can surprise you.  
Now enjoy the chapter!_

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**Chapter 44**

Sara groaned. She had no idea what she did to deserve such torture. A tiny part of her started to believe that Albert and Alex were a team and after Albert's mental attack, Alex now tried to break her physically. Okay, this was very very very unlikely, yet this whole hiking thing sucked.

The air was awfully sticky and after a good hour of walking, Sara was drenched in sweat. Despite the fact that they were in a shadowy forest, the brunette felt like she was in a big sauna.

And the weight she had to carry wasn't helping at all. Sara didn't know how it happened but somehow Catherine and Alex had tricked her when the psychologist had divided the stuff they needed for their trip. Catherine had to carry the compass, a tiny little object which didn't weigh anything at all. Sara on the contrary got the map AND the backpack – and that thing definitely was heavy! And what did Alex carry? According to her, the responsibility! Sometimes life just sucked.

And as if that all wasn't enough, the young CSI had also trouble walking. The ground was sandy and deep, which made it impossible to get a good grip – and the fact that they were just about to climb a small hill wasn't helping at all. Every step was exhausting and every few feet the ground under her feet slipped away, causing her to stumble. They would probably die before they reach the camp.

Catherine wasn't happy about their situation either. The blonde cursed silently as another one of those damn insects which seemed to have followed her from the start bit her. What the hell did that have to do with teamwork and trust?

Like Sara the older CSI had turned her pants rolled up, but unfortunately it didn't do much good despite giving the damn little flying monsters more space to attack her. This had to be the most ridiculous trust building activity that was ever invented.

The air was sticky and Catherine felt like she was walking on a beach in deep sand. Her body felt like it had already run a marathon, whereas they just left the mansion about an hour ago. Especially her feet were killing her. The blonde brought comfortable shoes for the seminar, but they were definitely not for hiking.

Catherine was glad that she just had to carry the compass. She glanced at Sara, who was walking, or better, stumbling a few feet in front of her. Now she almost felt sorry for her younger co-worker who she made carry the backpack. That additional weight had to make the whole experience a lot more exhausting. But there was no way that she would offer help to Sara. The brunette was younger and probably in better shape – she would manage.

It wasn't that Catherine thought she was in bad shape, but she was never really into sports. Somehow a balanced diet was everything she needed to look the way she did. And what they were doing here had similarities to extreme sport – and she just hated it. It made the good mood she had that morning slowly disappear.

Alex walked ahead of them. The psychologist didn't look as affected by the weather and the ground as she and Sara. That wasn't really surprising, considering that Alex told them that she spent every free minute doing some kind of sport. But she had to find walking up that hill at least a little bit exhausting, 'cause she had stopped talking about fifteen minutes ago – not that Catherine was complaining.

The older CSI had no problem with talking in a relaxed environment, but it wasn't a good idea while she was under stress or great exertion, because then she used to lose her temper fast. Catherine knew that she had to be careful today. She hoped that Alex was aware of that and would react accordingly.

Lost in thought Catherine didn't concentrate on the path in front of her anymore and missed the rock that lay in the way. It wasn't really big but solid enough to cause her to stumble and finally fall.

Sara and Alex stopped dead in tracks when they heard a short scream behind them followed by a thud and loud cursing. They both spun around to find Catherine flat on the ground, trying to get up again. It was a rather amusing sight, due to the fact that the slippery ground made the blonde lose her balance over and over again. While Alex just grinned at her, Sara immediately hurried to her side.

"Oh my God, Catherine! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?" The brunette was concerned. It was bad enough that her hand was injured. She definitely didn't wish her co-worker something similar. She knelt down beside Catherine, grabbing her arm and helping her up.

The second Catherine was up on her feet again she spun around, glared at the stone which still lay innocently on the ground.

"Catherine?"

Before answering the blonde kicked the stony evil thing with all her strength, which made it fly somewhere into the woods. Unfortunately it wasn't a very good idea for the foot which kicked it. "Ouuuuch!!! That hurt. Damn little bastard!" Now she was hopping around on one foot, cursing loud.

Alex came to stand beside Sara and they were both watching the spectacle in front of them. The psychologist was still smirking and even the young CSI couldn't help the grin that started to appear on her face. Sara knew that it was wrong, but still … it was kind of funny.

Suddenly Catherine turned around and started hopping in the opposite direction, which meant to Sara and Alex. When she saw their smiling faces, she sent them one of her famous death glares.

"That's not funny at all! Wipe that grin of your faces!" Angrily the blonde limped past the two women and headed straight for on old stump, which lay a few more meters up the hill on the side of the path. When Catherine reached her destination she slumped down and started immediately to remove her shoes and socks and inspected her feet. The one which kicked the stone looked okay, even the pain was almost gone again, but unfortunately there were the first signs of blisters, too. The blonde groaned. When she noticed that Alex and Sara where still looking at her and didn't move at all, she just shook her head. "We are taking a break – NOW! That means you can stay where you are or you can come and sit down here." Her voice didn't leave any room for arguments.

Alex and Sara looked at each other, still amused by Catherine's behavior. It was Alex who spoke up. "I think we'd better not argue with her, if we don't want to end like that stone." The CSI immediately nodded in agreement and they made there way over to Catherine and sat down beside her.

"Are you okay?" Again it was Sara who was worried about Catherine's condition. Her voice was quiet and unsure. She really didn't want to upset her co-worker further.

Catherine turned to her, ready to snap at her for asking such a stupid question, but immediately changed her mind when she was met with worried brown eyes. She took a deep breath to calm down. "I'm not hurt, if it's that what you're asking."

Sara seemed relieved to hear that.

"But I'm not really okay." Now it was time to voice her displeasure about this whole activity. "I'm exhausted. My legs hurt from walking on that damn sandy ground. I'm totally soaked with sweat and I have probably a thousand insect bites. And now I'm not just sweaty but also dirty from the nice fall I just enjoyed and above all my feet start getting blisters. So…no, Sara, I'm not really okay." Before Sara managed to reply, Catherine went on with her rant and turned to Alex. "What the hell has this to do with team building anyway? I mean, come on! This is physical torture. We are hardly talking because we are all out of breath. I don't see your damn point."

Sara was speechless. From first hand experiences she knew that Catherine could lose her temper every now and then, but after yesterday or even that morning she didn't expect it during that seminar. The brunette thought about replying, but decided against it. The two CSIs were alike in that department. They both needed to cool off before a reasonable discussion was possible again.

Of course Sara wasn't happy to be here and she cursed this whole trip since the moment they started walking, but a part of her believed that Alex knew what she was doing and that everything they were doing had a purpose. So she had kept going.

Alex was caught off guard by Catherine's outburst. She really didn't see that coming. She had to admit what they were doing here wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but she didn't think of it as that horrible. The blonde was obviously angry and exhausted – a dangerous combination. "Please calm down, Catherine. I do realize that hiking in this weather is exhausting. The other years the weather was never as sticky as today. I swear, normally it's comfortably cool." She paused, trying to find the right words. "This trip is about spending time together. You are right, we didn't spend as much time talking as we should have. But I honestly think especially for you, it's important just to spend time together."

Catherine took a deep breath. Alex was right. She needed to calm down. This wasn't helping anyone. "I'm sorry. Can we take a break anyway? Please?" She hoped that a short break would lighten her mood again.

Alex smiled at her. "Sure. Actually that sounds like a good idea. Maybe we can catch up with that talking thing. How does that sound?"

The blonde CSI nodded. Everything including a break sounded good. And Sara looked also happy about the suggestion. The brunette took the backpack off, sat on the ground and leaned against the stump, relaxing her aching legs. She opened the backpack and took the three bottles of water out, handing her two companions one and keeping the last. "So what do we talk about?"

Alex accepted the bottle happily and tried to find a comfortable position on the stump before answering. "How about we continue were we stopped before we – how did Catherine put it? – run out of breath?"

Sara and Catherine groaned simultaneously. Their last topic wasn't exactly one of their favorites: Eddie's death.

With Albert they just talked about it shortly. Well, that wasn't really a talk – more a monotone from the old psychologist. He used it to support his statement that Sara wasn't good at her job but instead screwed up everything all the time. When he mentioned it Sara didn't defend herself, because deep inside she knew that he was right. With that one case she screwed up royally. And that was still nagging at her.

Catherine tried to defend her younger-coworker – at least for about thirty seconds. Then Albert started to attack her most vulnerable side – being a mother, a bad one according to him. They didn't talk about the case again later and more important: Catherine and Sara had never talked about it before. And by now Alex had probably figured that out.

"I have a question for both of you." Alex started after a while. "Think about it first and then answer. And I want you to be honest. I said that before and I will again. A friendship is built on honesty and as long as you lie to each other – even if it is to protect the other one – you will never be able to trust completely." The psychologist looked from one CSI to the other. She knew damn well that this issue was difficult for both women - the questionnaires had told her – but they needed to deal with it. "You might not like the idea and it most likely will make you uncomfortable, but I want you to tell each other your answers."

That earned her a curious look from Catherine and a scared look from Sara. "I know that Catherine said that she was just overreacting back then and I know that Sara said that she knows that not finding the murderer wasn't her fault. But is this really true?" Alex turned to Sara. "Do you feel responsible for not being able to close the case? Be honest to yourself and be honest to Catherine and try to explain why you feel that way." Then she turned to Catherine. "You said you overreacted, but are you sure you really really really don't blame Sara for not solving the case? Doesn't a little part of you still think that she could have done more? And if so, what could she have done."

Catherine and Sara looked at each other. Their eyes said both the same: 'I don't want to answer that!'

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_A/N: Well, that's it. What do you think? Any sort of comment is welcomed. I try to hurry with the next update but I can't promise anything. Sorry in advance if it takes a while again.  
PS: I've never been to Louisiana, so I don't know anything about the ground or insects. You can consider that the not so realistic part of the story ;-)_


	45. Chapter 45

_A/N: I'm so sorry. Sorry doesn't even start to describe how I feel. Life just has been damn busy lately. I'm in the middle of writing my diploma thesis, exams will be soon and I had an important assessment center on Thursday for my dream job. All that took (and takes) a lot of time. Yesterday I needed a break, so I wrote this chapter. I's not my best, but I guess it's better than nothing. I guess I have more time to write next week. Please be patient with me!_

_I didn't have much to smile lately, but reading all your kind reviews was definitely a reason. I'm also very happy that I now have even more readers :-)_

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**Chapter 45**

Alex sighed. It had been a long time since she felt like she had made a mistake - from the professional point of view of course. Private mistakes didn't count here. Usually she always seemed to have a gut feeling for the right things to say to a patient. Usually she did the right things at the right time. Usually she asked the right questions, but today was somehow different.

If asked forty minutes ago, the psychologist would have said that the weather didn't affect her, but right now she had to re-evaluate her statement. Somehow the sticky air must have clouded her judgment, because Alex had really thought that her two companions were doing fine. Okay, fine wasn't the right word - more like 'not-happy-about-the-whole-hiking-situation-but-still-eager-to-work-on-their-friendship'. Well, she should have known better. She should have never asked those fatal questions.

As the experienced psychologist she was, she should have realized how the situation had influenced Catherine and Sara. Alex especially underestimated the older CSI. It seemed as if Catherine was put under a lot of stress, her normally calm and controlled behavior would be gone and replaced with a harsh and unfriendly one.

The blonde wasn't acting reasonably anymore. She didn't think about her actions or words like yesterday - she just acted. That of course influenced Sara.

When Catherine finally admitted that she really blamed the brunette a bit for not being able to solve the case, Sara first started to get defensive and you could literally watch her slowly retreat back into her shell. The younger investigator said she had always felt guilty for not being able to find Eddie's murderer and with Catherine's statement her guilt started to overwhelm her.

Alex had expected Sara's behavior - she really did. She was prepared for it, but what threw her of guard was Catherine. In the beginning the blonde CSI tried to reassure her younger co-worker that she shouldn't blame her herself. However, after Catherine admitted that she was still blaming Sara, that statement didn't have any effect.

Sara felt responsible. She started to mumble apologies and seemed to retreat more and more in her own little world. If Alex didn't know better she would have guessed that Sara was the one who actually killed Eddie and was not just working the case.

That was when things started to get out of hand.

While Alex tried to reason with Sara, something in Catherine suddenly snapped. Without warning she threw the compass on the ground and shouted at Sara that she should stop whining for God's sake. She should just accept the situation like she did till now and stop drowning herself in self-pity.

The second those words had left her mouth, the blonde regretted them. Alex knew that, because Catherine looked as shocked about her outburst as Sara and herself did. And that was when the silence began to stretch.

A silence which Alex - despite all her experience - wasn't sure how to break. It really seemed like the sticky weather somehow affected her ability to think. Sara was the first to react. She just started walking again, without a comment, without even looking at her two companions, probably feeling guiltier than ever. After a few seconds Catherine started to follow her, but in a safe distance. She too seemed to feel guilty - but for her outburst - and she obviously didn't know how to make this right again.

Alex shook her head in order to clear the fog in her mind. She knew she needed to do something. Now. She grabbed the compass from the ground and hurried after them. After a few unsuccessful attempts to get them talking again, the psychologist gave up - temporarily at least. She needed to think about a way to defuse the situation.

And right now that was what she was still doing: thinking. Alex took another glance at her watch. Now they were hiking for almost 2.5 hours. Where the hell was this damn camp? They needed a break - all of them - and not just a physical one but also an emotional one.

She glanced at the two women who were now walking a few feet behind her. Again she wondered how she could let this happen.

Alex knew that the camp wasn't far. That meant that, if she wanted to do something, she had to do it now. The psychologist took a deep breath and stopped - so abruptly that Catherine who walked right behind her couldn't stop anymore and ran right into her. "Damn, Alex! How about a little warning next time you take a break in the middle of the way!?"

Alex sighed and turned around. She put her best smile on and used her calmest tone. Now or never. "I'm sorry, Catherine."

The blonde still looked kind of angry, but accepted the apology without further comment.

The two CSIs looked at Alex expectantly. She studied them for a moment before finally starting to speak. "I think we'll soon reach the camp."

Catherine and Sara sighed in relief as they heard that.

"And I think we should settle this silent argument here right now - or otherwise we won't be able to really relax during that break." Alex prayed that they would agree with her and not just start walking again.

Fortunately they didn't walk away - not yet at least. But they weren't happy about the situation either. It was Catherine who spoke up. "Look, why don't we just forget everything that was said in the last half hour. We...you tried to settle this before - whatever this is - and it didn't work. Let's just go to that camp and take a break. Then everything will solve itself."

Alex wasn't really surprised by Catherine's answer. But the part about her trying to settle this before - unsuccessful - felt like punch in the face. Probably because it was true. She should have never allowed this issue get out of hand like that. She really just wanted to slap herself for being so unprofessional. Dr. Waters would definitely reprimand her for it. If she could have kept the control of the situation...if…if…if …

That line of thinking would be definitely not helpful. It was time to act. "Look, I know you are both exhausted."

That earned her sarcastic laugh from Catherine. Sara just observed her quietly. "I didn't want you to argue about this topic. I just wanted to make you think.

Actually I was hoping that you would discuss this - reasonably of course – because yesterday you did exactly that. You talked calmly to each other. But I made a mistake. I underestimated the stress that trip put you under and as you might have realized things got out of hand."

Alex paused, giving Catherine and Sara time to take in what she was saying. Then she continued. "Let's all take a deep breath and calm down, okay?

I know that you two don't want to be angry at each other and I know you can work this out - you just have to try."

After a minute of silence it seemed that Alex words finally started to sink in. "Close your eyes for a moment. Try to get your anger under control. I know that this sounds silly, but please try it. Just take a few deep breaths."

Hesitantly the two investigators did as they were asked. A few minutes later they looked a lot calmer.

Alex smiled relieved. That was at least a start. "Okay, are you feeling a bit better now?"

When they both nodded, the psychologist went on. "Let me sum up the point of views. You" She pointed to Catherine "still blame Sara for not being able to solve the case, but I think you are doing this job long enough now to know that not every case can be solved, right?"

The blonde slowly nodded, almost ashamed. "Yeah, I do."

Alex smiled inwardly. Now it seemed at least like Catherine was thinking reasonably again. Then she turned to Sara, who suddenly found her shoes very interesting. "You still feel guilty about not being able to close the case?"

Without looking up the brunette answered. "You know the answer to that question."

"I ask you the same question I asked Catherine: You are aware of the fact that sometimes there just isn't enough evidence to convict someone?"

A small nod was the only response Alex got. She thought for a moment, trying to find a good way to get through to both women.

"Sara, do you blame yourself for every case where you couldn't get a conviction?" Alex seemed to have hit a nerve with that question because the young brunette was now looking everywhere but at her.

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, Sara finally answered in a small voice. "Yeah, I do."

"Do you blame yourself more for Eddie's case than for the other cases?"

Again the brunette nodded.

"Why?"

This time the young CSI looked up to meet Alex eyes. "Isn't that obvious? If I can't solve a case...if I disappoint friends or family of the victim, I'll probably never see them again, but with Catherine and with Lindsey...I see them again, Catherine every night and it always reminds me of my failure."

To Alex's surprise Catherine beat her to replying. "That doesn't make sense, Sara. You did nothing wrong. You didn't fail at anything."

Sara turned to her, confused. "But you said yourself you think I could have done more."

The older woman sighed. "I know I did. But it's just the way I think. You blame yourself when you can't solve a case. I do that, too. Maybe not as extremely as you do, but I do it, too. And after such a case I always think that there has to be a tiny bit of evidence that I couldn't find, because I don't believe in the perfect crime. There is always evidence."

Alex sighed relieved. It looked like they were finally getting somewhere. Now all Sara needed to do was accept that - and Alex was going to make sure this would happen. She turned to Catherine. "So you don't really blame Sara, but you think that there might have been more evidence? It was just so well hidden that **NO** CSI could have found it?"

Catherine shrugged "Something like that. I don't know if this makes sense, but ... yeah, I do think that."

Satisfied with that answer, Alex turned to the other CSI. "Sara, you heard that Catherine isn't really blaming you. It seems to be in both your natures that you think you missed something when you can't solve a case - you probably do. If something like the perfect crime doesn't exist I guess it's okay if you blame yourself a tiny little bit. It will drive you on, maybe make you solve cold cases no one has hope for anymore. But don't let it overwhelm you. You are a good CSI. I took a look at your file. Your solve rate, your engagement. It's impressive."

Then she turned to Catherine again. "Catherine, can you try to answer me one question?"

"I'll try."

"If another CSI would have been assigned to the case, would you blame him too? Honestly?"

The blonde was silent for a minute, thinking hard. Then she finally answered. "Yes, I would." Turning to Sara she continued. "I didn't mean to shout at you earlier. I know too that you are a great CSI. If I'm under a lot of stress like back when Eddie died or like right now when I'm exhausted and my feet hurt like hell, then I tend to lose my temper. I really didn't mean it. Let's not let get this in our way, okay?"

The two investigators looked at each other silently. One with a hopeful expression, the other one with a thoughtful expression.

Alex looked from Sara to Catherine and back to Sara. The younger CSI had yet to respond. Would she take Catherine's outburst personally or as what it was - a overreaction? Was her optimism from the morning back and she would accept the apology?

When Sara finally slowly started to nod, Alex felt like an enormous weight was lifted of her shoulders. There was - without doubt – some damage done in the last 30 minutes, but it was repairable.

After this was settled, maybe she could continue the rest of the day like she originally planned.

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_A/N: Well, that's it. I'm curious what you think, so don't hesitate to review. I try to write a new chapter ASAP._


	46. Chapter 46

_A/N: Hey guys, here's the next chapter. I wanted to thank you for sticking with me despite my lack of update lately. But you have my promise that this is going to change. I also want to thank you for your reviews!_

_keepix: As you said: every chapter is different. And I'm especially curious about your opinion when I'm not so happy myself with a chapter. Let's just face it - I'm a review-addict ;-)  
__stareagle: thanks for your review. I tried to give a few answers to the things you mentioned in this chapter. As for the heat: I think there is big difference between the Vegas' dry heat and this sticky weather. From personal experience I would say the last one can wear you down a lot more. I admit that this chapter was ... different and you have a point with the things you said, but I needed it that way, cause I'm trying to build up a certain plot. You'll see in the next few chapters what I'm talking about.  
__kay: I promise Ecklie will be dealt with ... kind of. But it will take a while until we reach that point :-)  
__MaeLace__ Thanks, I think I need that!_

_Now, enjoy the chapter!!!!_

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**Chapter 46**

Cat sighed in relief when her feet touched the cold water. This felt so good – like being in heaven. She could definitely stay here forever - or at least for a few more hours.

The blonde sat under a big old tree in the grass, her feet dangling in the cool water of a little stream running through the forest. The air was still sticky, but with her feet in the water and a cold wet towel around her neck it didn't feel so bad anymore.

A quiet curse beside her brought her out of her musings. Catherine turned around to see Sara still fighting with her shoes. She was pulling on her shoes with her left hand, trying to finally get rid off them. Just as the blonde was about to offer help, one of the shoes came off, shortly followed by the second. After the socks were also off, Sara carefully moved closer to the edge of the water and put her feet into it. With a long sigh the brunette leaned back until her back touched the ground. She crossed her arms behind her head and closed her eyes.

Catherine studied her for a minute, unsure if it was a good idea to speak up or not.

After Alex had finally managed to break the uncomfortable silence that had stretched between them after her unwanted outburst, Sara had still kept quiet. Even if she had accepted Catherine's apology, the older woman didn't know if she had just said it to please Alex. She didn't really have a chance to ask either, cause soon afterwards they finally saw the camp. Once they reached it, Alex had showed them this nice quiet place and had told them to relax while she was getting something to eat and drink.

Since the two investigators had been left alone, neither of them said anything. The first thing on Catherine's mind was to do something to relax her feet, but right now she had only one question swirling around in her mind: how did Sara really feel? But was it a good idea to ask now? Should she wait until Alex was back? What would Sara's answer be?

Sara's voice finally broke her train of thought. "Just ask."

Her brunette co-worker hadn't moved at all. She was still lying on her back, eyes closed. Catherine looked at her confused. "Excuse me?" Was Sara now able to read her mind?

This time Sara turned her head to the blonde, a small smile tucking at her lips. "You are staring, Catherine, and I don't even need to look at you to feel your eyes burning into me."

"Oh." Now she felt somewhat embarrassed, embarrassed for getting caught.

Sara was still smiling at her. "Normally when you are looking like that, you want to ask a question, so shoot."

This time Catherine was smiling back. It looked like Sara knew her better than she had expected. "I was just wondering…eh…well…if we are really okay. You've been awfully quiet since…you know…" Before Sara had a chance to reply the blonde continued. "I know I had no right to snap at you. I really didn't mean it. I just overreacted. This whole hiking thing is really pissing me off."

"It's okay. I guess I'm not mad at you. I know what it's like to lose your temper after all." And Sara did know. She had done it often enough. Snapping at someone just because she was stressed out. That wasn't really the problem. The one thing that was nagging at her was the fact that Catherine was really blaming her. It was like some long feared nightmare coming true.

Catherine seemed to have noticed that Sara wasn't totally okay with everything. That would have been too easy. Real life wasn't like that. Eddie's death was definitely a difficult topic, but they needed to sort it out. "About what I said about Eddie's case …"

"It's okay, Catherine. Just drop it." Sara wasn't sure if she was ready to hear more reasons for why her older co-worker was blaming her for not being able to close the case.

But Catherine was stubborn. "No, Sara, it's not okay. Please let me explain." She was almost pleading now.

Reluctantly Sara nodded.

"I told you before how I truly feel. Yes, I do blame you a little bit for not being able to solve the case, but like Alex said - like I said before - I know that often there isn't enough evidence to solve a case. It's not really logical what I do, but it's my own personal way of dealing with things. Even if I don't like to admit it, most of the time I'm convinced that no other CSI could have solved the case either. If this would have been any other case I would have said 'we could have done more' and would have left it at that. But this was my ex-husband and that made it personal. I can't take back what I said to you an hour ago and I don't want to, because that is what I think. But I don't want this to stay between us. We talked about it and I honestly think that it was very very important, but I also think that we should not over-evaluate it. You probably also think some things about me, that I don't like, but I'll tell you something: That's okay. Two friends don't have to think of each other as perfect to be friends. Maybe you can live with what I think if you tell yourself that it isn't logical – it's just me. Because I still want to be your friend, Sara, even if you couldn't solve this case."

After her monologue Catherine observed her co-workers reaction closely. All she could do was hope and pray that Sara would accept her offer. She didn't know if her explanation made to Sara as much sense as it made to herself. All she knew was that this shouldn't stay between them.

Sara didn't respond in the beginning. She wasn't sure how. On the one hand it hurt that Catherine blamed her. But on the other hand it was what she always had expected. She had believed this for years, so why would it make a difference now? The brunette also understood Catherine's way of arguing. When a murderer walked free, she felt responsible even if it wasn't her fault.

After what seemed like an eternity for Catherine, but wasn't more than a few minutes of silence, Sara finally answered. "I want to give this…" She gestured between herself and Catherine. "…a try, too. I really do. I guess you are right. It's probably good that we finally really talked about it. However I suggest that we – if not absolutely necessary – don't talk about it in the future. I think you have your point of view and so do I. This situation can't be resolved. It's as it is…and I guess we should just accept it as that and move on…" Sara trailed off, not really sure if she was making sense anymore or just rambling. With uncertainty written all over her face the younger CSI glanced over to her older co-worker, awaiting her reaction.

When Catherine sent her a warm smile, she released the breath she didn't know she was holding. "I think that sounds like an excellent plan."

Before Sara managed to reply Alex was suddenly back and sat down beside them on the ground. The psychologist had brought a box with her, which she placed right beside her. While removing several items from the box, she spoke up. "What is an excellent plan?" She handed each woman a big, cool bottle of water and a sandwich. Then she looked at Catherine and Sara, expecting some sort of answer. She really hoped the two of them were okay again.

It was Catherine who finally answered. "We just decided that it was good that we talked about Eddie's case and that now everyone knows how the other one feels. And we accept that, but won't let it influence our relationship anymore."

Alex looked from Catherine to Sara and back to Catherine. Both women were smiling at her and nodding. It really seemed as if everything was settled. Relieved the psychologist returned their smile. "I'm really glad to hear that. After what happened in the forest I was really worried at first."

"Well…" Sara started. "You weren't entirely innocent in all of this, were you?" The younger CSI couldn't help but feel, that somehow Alex should have done more than just letting the silence stretch between them after Catherine's outburst.

Alex sighed and nodded slowly. "I know. I know. And I'm truly sorry about that and I want to apologize and maybe do a little bit explaining." When she noticed Sara curiously inspecting her sandwich she said quickly. "It's vegetarian." After she received a grateful smile for that, she continued. "As you have noticed this whole trip wasn't planned like that." While talking the psychologist too pulled her shoes and socks off and started to cool her feet in the water.

"I said it before and I can just repeat it. We do this hiking trip every year during the seminar and normally it's not so awfully sticky during this time of the year. The idea behind this activity isn't to put you under a lot of pressure and see when you finally use your temper. That's really not the point. The point is that the participants spend time together and work together to find the camp."

Again it was Sara who spoke up "You could have helped us out a little, you know? Like for example taking the backpack every once in a while." The brunette was still not happy that it was her who had to carry the damn backpack all the way – and Alex was carrying nothing.

Alex couldn't help but smile at this. "I didn't do that to make you mad at me or to punish you, Sara. I told you that normally the psychologist doesn't accompany the participants and I wanted to influence the trip as less as possible. Before you ask why there weren't two backpacks with equal weight…well, it's part of the teamwork. As a member of a team you could have asked your other half to take over after a while if it was too heavy. Why didn't you ask Catherine?"

Sara glanced at Catherine, trying to hide her grin, before finally answering. "Well, to me it looked like she was having enough trouble without the additional weight." That earned her a playful glare from Catherine, but she knew that her co-worker appreciated her decision. "It wasn't really relaxing to carry this thing around, but it wasn't killing me either. I just thought that you could help me out, since you looked kind of fresh and vivid all the time…"

"You could have asked me, if it was that exhausting" Came Alex's reply.

Sara countered. "I did. I just figured after you told me the first time that you were just carrying the responsibility I would get the same answer a second time. So I kind of hoped that you would offer taking over yourself."

That caused Alex to lower her head. It looked like she missed much more than she had originally suspected during this trip. "I'm sorry, Sara. I wasn't realizing that. Actually I wasn't realizing a lot of things and that's what I want to apologize for."

That earned her curious looks from both CSIs.

"I should have realized how much this trip had influenced you both. I didn't notice how much pressure all this put on you. I didn't realize that you had trouble with the backpack and I didn't realize that Catherine got more and more exhausted which would influence her temper. I guess the weather did also influence me somehow because I'm trained to read people and normally I'm pretty good at it. I'm sorry that that wasn't the case earlier."

When Catherine wanted to interrupted the psychologist, Alex held her hand up to stop her. "Please let me finish this first."

The blonde CSI nodded and took another bite from her sandwich instead of talking.

"If I would have realized in what condition you were, I would have never asked those questions. I knew that they would cause you to discuss the case again and your feelings during it. I just hoped that you would discuss this calmly and reasonably like you talked yesterday. But the physical exhaustion made you both edgy and we all know the result. I'm convinced that if we would have had this discussion for example in the park it would have gone in a totally different way. I already talked to Dr. Waters and I can expect a nice lecture by tonight – but I know I deserved it, so it's okay. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. I'm really glad that you two are okay again."

Surprised by Alex admission the two investigators didn't know what to say at first. Finally it was Catherine who spoke up. "We accept your apology. It's nice to see that you really take your job seriously."

Sara shook her head. "Sure it is, but don't you exaggerate a bit… mean with running straight to Waters?" She didn't want Alex to get into trouble just because of something that – in her eyes – wasn't even a real mistake.

Alex send her a warm smile, a bit touched that Sara was worried about her. "I do deserve this lecture, Sara. Like Catherine just pointed out: I take my job seriously. I'm not Albert. I want to help you and I know the responsibility I have. Psychology can be dangerous territory and mistakes like the ones I made today can lead to real trouble."

Catherine and Sara both accepted Alex's explanation.

The psychologist then pulled some more food out of the box and they chatted some more and tried to recharge their power resources again.


	47. Chapter 47

_A/N: The next chapter is ready for you! Thank you all for your kind reviews. It's good to know I'm doing a good job so far!_

_crowned tiger: As a GSR-fan I'd like to warn you: This story isn't putting Gris in a good light, as you will learn soon. But I'm glad you like - at least till now :-)  
lovecatsara4eva: Sorry about that. I really don't want to imply that Cath is old. I just mean that she's older than Sara - which is true ;-) But I try to minimize the use of 'old'  
Zoey26: I'm glad I finally converted you to the one and only 'CSI'-fanfics! Vegas rocks:-)  
gamg337: I really can't take the responsibility for you going nuts, can I? Here comes the next chapter_

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**Chapter 47**

After the three women finished eating, Catherine re-dressed Sara's hand. The hand still looked swollen and anything but okay - even if Sara tried to convince her otherwise. She made a silent promise to herself that as soon as they were back in Vegas and there was still no improvement she would drag her younger co-worker to the hospital herself, but right now she knew that trying to get her to a doctor would cause an argument - an argument that could easily get out of hand and that was the last thing she needed.

Catherine had calmed down remarkably since they had reached the camp. Just sitting here with the feet in cool water really felt like heaven, but the blonde also knew that this heaven would soon be over. After Alex had apologized she also told them that she would like to continue the rest of the day like she had originally planned - that meant more talking and trust-building.

Catherine didn't mind talking as long as they were in the camp. Now she felt a bit exhausted, but also kind of relaxed. Like that she was easily able to control her temper, but she already feared what would happen when they started on their way back.

The older CSI spent the last ten minutes thinking about possible topics Alex could bring up. And everything she came up with didn't seem to be a problem from her point of view. The only other critical topic might be Sara's suspension, but she and Sara had talked about that before. It wasn't a heart-to-heart-talk where everyone revealed their deepest feelings, but they both apologized and right now Catherine couldn't imagine that this would get them all worked up again. And other than that it shouldn't be a problem, yet she was curious what Alex would bring up.

Speaking of Alex...the psychologist had left them with an order to rest before they continued. And it looked like she wasn't back yet. No sight of her on the left and behind her. When she finally turned her head to check the right side, she couldn't help the smile that appeared on her lips. Lying there under the tree was Sara Sidle - and according to the quiet snoring she was asleep.

Catherine felt a little bit guilty when she thought about the reasons her co-worker was so exhausted. After all it was Sara who had to carry the heavy backpack all the time and with the nightmare last night she probably didn't get much rest. Yet Catherine had never offered her help. On the way back she would be carrying the damn backpack - no matter what. It couldn't be that exhausting.

Without warning, Sara's face changed from relaxation to discomfort in a matter of seconds - another nightmare. Without really thinking about it, Catherine moved over to her co-worker and kneeled down beside her. What should she do now? She looked around to see if Alex was nearby, but the psychologist was nowhere to be seen. She looked back to Sara, only to discover that she was still trapped in her dream. The blonde suppressed the urge to touch her and started to call her name instead, like Alex had told her.

"Sara? Wake up." At first Catherine kept her voice calm and in a normal volume, but that wasn't showing any effect. Determined to free her from her nightmare, she raised her voice. "Wake up, Sara!" That time her co-worker heard her, as she bolted up into a sitting position immediately. Catherine sighed in relief.

Sara looked around confused, trying to decipher what the hell just happened. She felt a bit disoriented, but was soon aware of Catherine kneeling beside her and looking - like she had so often in the last few days - worried. What did happen? She closed her eyes and tried to get her erratic breathing under control. The last thing she remembered was lying down in the grass and then...then...she must have fallen asleep. That left only one possible conclusion: She had another nightmare.

"Are you okay?" Catherine asked in a soft tone.

Sara turned to her and sent her a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Did I freak out again?" On the contrary to her dream in the morning she couldn't remember this one. She just hoped that she wasn't asleep long enough to let it get ugly. To her relief Catherine shook her head.

"No, you didn't. One moment you slept peacefully, but then you suddenly looked like...well, like you were having another nightmare, so I thought it might be better if I woke you now."

The brunette nodded. "Thanks. I'm sure that was a good idea." Sara didn't know why but suddenly she felt insecure. She looked around, expecting to see Alex, but the psychologist wasn't around. "Where is Alex?"

Catherine sat down beside her and shrugged. "I'm not sure. Probably inventing creative trust building activities with her other shrink-friends. But I guess she'll be back any minute."

Sara smirked. "You aren't looking forward to new trust building stuff?"

Before answering, the blonde leaned back until she was lying comfortably on the grass. "Well, let's just say I would prefer lying here for another hour."

Sara nodded and leaned back too. Lying here beside the water was really way more appealing than...than anything actually.

The silence started to stretch between them again, but this time there was no tension. Both CSIs were relaxed and they knew that they had just mastered another step on their way to a real friendship. Eddie's case was still a critical topic and most likely they weren't going to talk about it in the future, but they revealed their feelings to each other and that was what trust was about, right?

Out of the blue, Sara spoke up after a few minutes. "How are your feet?"

Catherine looked at her surprised. "My feet?"

"Yeah, you said something about blisters earlier..."

The blonde sighed. Unfortunately those very blisters were still there. "Yeah, well ... I have one big fat blister on every foot. If Ecklie would have informed us a bit better about what to expect here I would have brought my hiking shoes. My shoes are great for working a crime scene, but not really suitable for hiking. I'm not sure yet how to prepare my feet for the walk back but somehow I'll have to manage." Catherine sent her younger co-worker a weak smile.

Sara smiled back. Her shoes weren't perfect for hiking either, but due to the fact that she almost always wore her comfortable boots the brunette survived the last hours without blisters. However she was pretty sure that by tomorrow her legs would hurt like hell. Still, she kind of felt Catherine's pain. Maybe she could give some advice. "You should pad them. Use for example the cotton from the first aid kit. Like that walking will be a bit more exhausting, but it shouldn't hurt so badly anymore." With a little grin she added. "I know from personal experience that those little bastards can hurt like hell."

Catherine skeptically raised an eyebrow. "You really think that works?" She heard about lancing the blisters before, but padding them? That was new to her.

The young CSI just shrugged in response. "It worked for me."

While Catherine was contemplating Sara's suggestion, Alex came back from whatever she was doing. "Hey guys, how are you feeling?" Her tone was light and cheerful - a little bit too cheerful for the two CSIs. They looked at each other and had the same thought. It was Sara who finally voiced it.

"How come you can be so cheerful? You just had to walk nearly three hours through some strange forest, in totally sticky weather, surrounded by a bunch of flying monsters, then - as you said yourself - you underestimated the whole situation which - of course, with our help - brought us almost back to square one in the friendship department and then you always have the prospective of walking all the way back to the mansion again, too. So why the hell are you so cheerful?"

Alex couldn't help but laugh. "Probably because I'm an optimistic person and not like you a hopeless pessimist. I won't let those little setbacks ruin my mood for the rest of the day." The look on Sara's face was priceless.

The brunette shook her head. This attitude was something she would never understand.

"I brought you fresh water." With that the psychologist handed Catherine and Sara each a new bottle. "How about we use this break for now for a little more talking? I have a few topics I want to discuss with you."

Both investigators groaned simultaneously. They had both hoped for more 'doing-nothing'-time, but it looked like Alex was inexhaustible, someone who never needed a break.

Slowly Catherine rose to her feet. "Well, then I need to relieve myself first. Didn't I see some kind of toilet over there?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, but you should put your shoes back on. It's not the cleanest place on earth."

Catherine shuddered at the thought of what might be waiting for her. Maybe a trip behind a tree would be the better idea. Wordlessly she picked up her shoes and headed for her destination, leaving Alex and Sara behind.

Sara immediately lay back down, taking Catherine's departure as a chance to get a few more minutes of rest. She crossed her arms behind her head and closed her eyes.

Alex observed her closely. Since she had read Sara's answers from the questionnaire she was more worried about the brunette than before. During the last hours she had tried hard not to show her concern and act casual, trying to respect Sara's wish not to talk about this issue. But the urge to tackle the serious topic became stronger and stronger.

Low self-esteem was one thing, but the brunette's self-destructive tendencies made the whole situation a lot more delicate. In her line of work, Alex met a lot of cutters, and often it was just an innocent habit, but in Sara's case she wasn't sure anymore. It was obvious that the CSI still struggled to come to terms with her past. If she assessed the situation right this time, Sara was hiding things, events from her past which she probably thought would go away if she just ignored them long enough.

The psychologist glanced at Catherine's retreating form. It looked like she had a few minutes alone with the younger CSI. A chance she should take. "How are you feeling Sara?"

"I'm fine - a bit tired - but otherwise fine." Came the reply. Sara slowly opened her eyes to look at Alex, only to catch her eyes traveling up and down her arms, like looking for something...Inevitably she tensed. The psychologist wasn't looking for 'something', she was looking for cuts. Instinctively she moved her arms to cover her stomach. When their eyes finally met, they both knew what the other one was thinking. It was Alex who broke the silence, trying to keep Sara calm.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to force you to talk to me about anything you don't want. I just want to make sure that you are okay." When Sara didn't reply the psychologist went on. "I want to ask you a few questions. You don't have to answer them, if you don't want to, but I think it would be good for you to talk." When Alex still got no response she started with her first question.

"Did you cut yourself since you've been here?"

That question got Sara's attention. She tried to tell herself that Alex just wanted to help. She just wanted to help. And if she wouldn't want help at all, she wouldn't have admitted to the cutting in the first place. The brunette shut her eyes tightly before slowly answering. "No, I didn't." She could hear Alex sigh relieved.

"I'm glad to hear that." Alex paused shortly, before asking her next question. "Did you want to cut yourself?" Sara's sharp intake of breath gave her the answer before the CSI did.

"Yeah." It was just a whisper, but Alex heard it clearly.

"What did you do instead?"

"I hit a tree."

Alex slowly nodded. She kind of expected that. "Have you wanted to do it since then?"

As an answer, Sara just shook her head.

Alex glanced at the spot were Catherine had vanished. She didn't want to have this discussion with the other CSI present, but fortunately the blonde wasn't in sight yet. "Do you think you have a problem?" The psychologist wasn't prepared for Sara's reaction: she laughed. "Was that a funny question?"

Again Sara shook her head. "No, sorry. I just ... Catherine asked me the exact same question yesterday and told me little story about herself. She even made me promise that I call her whenever I feel the need to drink or to cut. I told her that I'm not sure if I can do that, but that I'll try. Does that make you happy?"

Alex was surprised at Sara's answer, but definitely not in an unpleasant way. It was good to hear that Catherine took her advice and told her co-worker about her own addiction. "Yes, Sara, I'm very happy to hear that. I'm just not 100 sure if it is enough to..." She didn't get further, as Catherine was suddenly back and she really didn't want to discuss this with the blonde present. She knew that Sara wasn't cutting right now and that should be enough for now. With one last look at Sara she turned to Catherine, who was complaining about her feet again.

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_A/N: Next chapter we'll learn a bit more about Saras and Grissoms relationship. Stay tuned!_


	48. Chapter 48

_A/N: You guys are just great. More than 500 reviews!!! You have no idea how greatful I'm for all the feedback._

_Dragonfly17: I don't do that on purpose. It's just coming out like that. I try to keep an eye on it for the future._

_GoldenLocks: As you see, I didn't miss the deadline :-) Well, at least here it's Thursday 6:20 AM. Thanks for you review and I hope I'll hear more from you in the future. And sorry to disappoint you, but this is no femmslash._

_Now enjoy the chapter!_**

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**Chapter 48**

The three women spent a good hour talking about different things, mostly emotions during certain cases. Right now they reached an interesting topic: relationships in the workplace.

Sara had no idea how and when their talk headed in that direction - she just knew that it was dangerous territory. With everything going on the last days she actually managed to forget her problems with Grissom. Despite all the lectures about honesty from Alex, the brunette still had no intention of telling Catherine about her short-lived relationship with her supervisor.

Sara still held the opinion that Catherine wouldn't take the information very well. First of all she was Grissom's best friend. That would mean she would feel betrayed by both of them. She would be disappointed that Sara lied to her all the time and that would definitely be the end of their blooming friendship. Most likely it would also affect Catherine's relationship with Grissom, probably not as drastically as her own, but it would have an effect. What she feared most was that Grissom would manage to pull Catherine over to his side in their little 'cold war'. And if so, not just Grissom would treat her like an incompetent rookie, but the blonde would as well. There was no way she could stay in Vegas.

Sara knew that she was good at keeping secrets if necessary. After all she had never told anyone about what happened with the McKeatons' - and she never would. She was sure she could also keep this Grissom thing to herself. Grissom didn't really have an advantage of telling Catherine about their relationship. At the painful end it was his idea to keep it secret at all cost. So the chances were good that her co-worker would never know that she and Grissom were more than friends once. All she had to do now was to hide the fact that she was lying – especially since Alex seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to things like that. She left her train of thought and concentrated on the discussion which was taking place around her.

"Don't get me wrong. I know from first hand experience that often you can't help for whom you develop feelings or for whom you have a crush, but I think that those kinds of relationships are inappropriate in a workplace, especially if one is superior of the other." Sara tried hard not to groan at Catherine's statement. It was similar to the one she declared during their session with Albert. Why did they have to talk about this?! And what was she supposed to say that wouldn't sound suspicious. The brunette was saved from answering when Alex spoke up.

"Would you like to enlighten us or at least me about your first hand experience?"

Without hesitation Catherine started to tell Alex about the relationship between her and Warrick - or the lack of it or whatever you want to call it. Sara was always amazed how easily the blonde could talk about stuff like that.

Even with her lack of social skills she knew that her two co-workers always had chemistry, but after Catherine smilingly told them about her almost kiss with Warrick at a crime scene, Sara was speechless. She had never expected that there was more than harmless flirting between them. Well, her non-existent social skills had to have an effect somewhere.

That almost-kiss made Sara feel a little bit better about her own situation with Grissom. Her temporary relief was soon replaced with fear again, when Catherine told them that it was the best for both of them that they stayed friends instead of anything else. Her exact words were: 'everything else would have been a mistake'.

Sara sighed. In the aftermath she too would say that Grissom was a mistake, but she really didn't need to hear that from Catherine. Maybe she could direct the talk to another, safer topic. Before she managed to come up with a good distraction tactic, Catherine asked the question she had feared.

"What about you and Grissom?"

Sara tried not to cringe. She had to keep it together. As casually as possible she asked. "What about me and Grissom?"

Catherine rolled her eyes. "Come on, Sara. It's common knowledge in the lab that you have a crush on him."

Common knowledge?! Great! Why did she have to be so obvious during her first years in Las Vegas? Hopefully she could do this without too many direct lies. "I don't have a crush on him." When the blonde wanted to interrupt, Sara went on. "I probably had...once...a long time ago, but that's in the past." That wasn't a lie. A long time ago Sara had a crush on him, a few months ago she had probably loved him, but that wasn't the question.

The answer seemed to have been right, because Catherine smiled at her. "What happened? What changed?"

Sara fought the urge to roll her eyes. Her beloved co-worker could be like a dog with a bone - once she was on to something she wouldn't let go. "I guess I did...or at least I realized that he couldn't give me what I need." That wasn't a real lie either. She needed someone to love her and Gil had stopped loving her - if he even had in the beginning.

Alex stayed quiet, but listened intensely to the two CSIs.

To Sara's surprise Catherine reached for her hand and gave it gentle squeeze, before replying with a warm smile on her lips. "That's just Gil. He's just can't show emotions."

Oh, how wrong she was with that statement. If she wanted, Sara could tell her about certain nights and how Grissom showed her exactly how he felt, but of course she wouldn't do that.

"I think you deserve someone who is more in love with you than his job." With a grin Catherine went on. "Like that you would probably stop working so much overtime instead of working overtime together with your lover."

Sara put on her best fake smile. "Yeah, you're probably right with that."

Of course Catherine was still not satisfied. "Sooooo...was there ever something between the two of you?"

It took all of Sara's willpower not cringe. She had prayed that the blonde wouldn't ask so directly, but this was Catherine Willows - of course she would get straight to the point. She glanced at Alex, but it didn't look like the psychologist was aware of the real situation. Sara looked back to Catherine, who looked expectantly at her. She didn't want to lie. Maybe she could avoid the question. "I asked him out after the lab explosion." Ha, that wasn't a lie! It wasn't the answer to the question, but it was a nice way to get around it.

Catherine looked surprised. "You did? What did he say?"

"He said 'no'." Came Sara's short answer.

"Just 'no'?"

Sara nodded. "He said 'no' and that he didn't know what to do about 'this'." To emphasize the last word she made quotation marks in the air. "I guess that was when I stopped having that crush, as you called it, on him." This was - again - the truth. Never in a thousand years would she have expected Grissom to finally ask her out. It was a surprise, but not an unpleasant one at that time.

Catherine sent her another understanding smile. "I think its better like that."

Sara was doing a happy dance inwardly. On the outside she just nodded in agreement. It looked like this was the end of this topic. However, Catherine had one last punch to give. "The greatest problem I see - and that's why I'm against relationships at work - is when the relationship fails. If you break up, probably over an argument, you'll still see each other everyday at work. How can you guarantee that this won't effect you work?"

That really hurt - like the truth always did - and this time Sara couldn't keep her face straight. It was Alex who noticed it. "Sara?"

"I just moved my hand the wrong way." That was a real lie. Great job, Sidle! Fortunately they both seemed to buy it.

Alex stood up and stretched, before looking back at Sara and Catherine. "Well, Ladies, I fear our break is over. We need to start walking back if we want to reach the mansion before the rain and before the night." That earned her a loud groan from each woman. She shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, but we have to. Anyway, I think we made some progress those last hours. You talked to each other - like friends if I might add - about your emotions in different situations and I think you are on the right track."

Sara and Catherine looked at each other. Catherine smiled happily and Sara sent her a smile back - a smile that made her feel real guilty, but there was still no way that she would tell the truth.

The two investigators stood up, when Alex spoke up again. "But before we leave I want to do a little trust building activity."

_

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A/N: What do you think???? Feel free to tell me. And now I have to run or I'll be late for work._


	49. Chapter 49

_A/N: Sorry that it took me so long again to update, but the words just refused to come out._

_Two general things:  
1. I know my last chapter was shorter than the others - sorry about that. But look at it like that: otherwise you would have had to wait till today to read a new chapter ;-)  
2. Why is Sara not just coming clean about Gris? Well, she's afraid that Cath would be so mad at her (and Gil) that they would go straight back to hating each other. Does that make sense? I don't know, but it's essential for my story, so you'll have to accept it :-)_

_And now: Enjoy the chapter!!_**

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**Chapter 49**

Sara and Catherine looked at Alex suspiciously. They both weren't sure if they should be happy that they could postpone their march back a little bit longer or if they should be worried about what Alex had planned for them.

The psychologist couldn't help but laugh. "It's not going to hurt. I promise. It's nothing complicated or exhausting."

The two CSIs relaxed visibly at Alex statement. Then Alex went on. "I want you to do a Trust Fall. You know, one of you let herself fall backwards like a board and the other one catches her before she hits the ground. You see: totally simple."

Catherine shrugged. "I guess that sounds simple enough. Everything for which I won't need my feet sounds fine to me."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "Just letting yourself fall backwards is a certificated trust building activity?" This sounded more like an exercise done in a primary school - and not a serious way to create trust. To her even talking sounded more useful, but Sara wasn't the one in charge here. A fact that was probably good, considering that they most likely wouldn't have made any progress in that case.

Alex shook her head and glared at Sara playfully, before trying to elaborate the activity further. "Sara, I would in fact call it a 'certificated trust building activity'. It probably sounds simple to you and I admit that it is one of the easier things to do. But I'm convinced that even small steps can bring you to your destination and to be honest, I think you two shouldn't go too fast." The psychologist made a pause, waiting for Catherine and Sara to show some sign of acceptation for her choice of activity. After a few seconds her words seemed to sink in, as the two CSIs slowly nodded.

Alex sent them an encouraging smile, before continuing. "Sooo ... as I said, it's a simple activity. At least it's simple to accomplish, but don't underestimate the amount of trust you'll need for it. To let yourself fall backwards relaxed and without hesitation does mean that you need to rely on the other one for those few seconds - or you'll get hurt. You'll most likely just bruise your ass, yet it might hurt a bit." Alex couldn't help but grin at her own statement.

Catherine and Sara just rolled their eyes.

After composing herself, Alex went on in a more serious tone. "I just want you to take this seriously. This isn't for your entertainment, it's important."

The two investigators nodded again. It was Catherine who spoke up. "Who should start?" The blonde was actually looking forward to this exercise. It was nothing exhausting and if Alex said it was good for her and Sara's relationship then she would do it. Every chance to show Sara that she trusted her and was trustworthy was one she would take - without hesitation.

"I suggest that you begin." Came Alex answer. Then she turned to Sara. "Don't use your hand. We don't want to make things worse than they already are. Just bow your arms and Catherine stretches her arms to her side. Then you should be able to catch her by letting her arms fall into yours"

Catherine nodded and exchanged a quick smile with Sara before turning around so that her back was to her younger co-worker. "Ready?"

Sara smiled. "Whenever you are."

The blonde spread her arms and closed her eyes. This was easy. She trusted Sara - even if the brunette didn't really trust her - yet. Actually she would trust her with her life every time. And she was going to prove exactly that to Sara.

The only worry she had was that she somehow would land on Sara's injured hand. That was the last thing she wanted to do. Maybe they really shouldn't do this...this whole hiking thing was exhausting enough as it was - without additional pain. But Alex had said this was important and Sara looked ready to prove herself too.

If she would try to slow down her fall, she would most likely make it more difficult for her co-worker to catch her and therefore increase the possibility of hurting her. Catherine took a deep breath and braced herself. 'Don't think too much, just do it.' she reprimanded herself. "Okay, on three."

"One."

Sara took a small step back, giving Catherine some room to fall. Otherwise the whole exercise wouldn't make much sense. She concentrated on the woman before her. She could do that. She had to do that. Sara knew that she would catch Catherine even with her hands if necessary. Never ever would she allow her older co-worker to get hurt - at least not if she could prevent it.

"Two."

Sara bowed her knees a bit, in order to be able to slow down Catherine's weight - or better non-existent weight. She hardly doubted that the smaller woman was anything but a feather weight. The thought brought a small smile to her lips.

"Three."

Catherine slowly leaned backwards, silently shooting one last prayer to God that Sara would really catch her without hurting herself.

The ground came dangerously close.

But before she knew it, she was hanging safely in Sara's arms, two feet above the ground. She looked upwards only to find the brunette smiling down at her. Catherine returned the smile, before finally - with Sara's help - getting back on her feet.

Alex nodded satisfied. "Very good. Now it's your turn."

Sara nodded, but before she turned around Catherine placed a hand on her shoulder, making her look at her.

"Is your hand okay?" That was the only thing Catherine was concerned about. To her Sara didn't look like she was in pain, but with Sara Sidle you never know what she really feels, even if the blonde got a lot better in reading her co-workers emotions these last few days.

Sara fought the urge to roll her eyes at Catherine's over-protectiveness. Instead she answered nicely. "Its fine, Catherine. You didn't even touch it." And that was true - even if not the whole truth. The impact had sent a wave of pain through her hand, but she wouldn't be Sara Sidle if she had shown any weakness. In her opinion she had shown enough weakness since they'd arrived here.

When Catherine sighed in relief, Sara turned around so that her back was facing Catherine. In a few seconds she would let herself fall backwards and rely on her co-worker to catch her before hitting the ground. This was easy, right? Catherine had just done it. She could also do that.

Sara took a deep breath. Like Catherine she spread her arms and braced her body to make it easier for the blonde to catch her.

Catherine's voice reached her ears. "Don't worry. I'll catch you."

'Don't worry. I'll catch you.' She heard those words before. Sara took another deep breath and closed her eyes. She trusted Catherine enough to do this. She could do this.

"One."

Another deep breath. Why was she starting to get nervous? She could do this.

"Two."

'I'll catch you.' Who did say that to her?

"Three."

Sara started to lean backwards.

_Flashback (Tamales Bay, 1980):_

_Sara was in her room on the first floor of the little bed & breakfast of her parents - and she was happy. Her good mood had a simple reason. Today in school they got an important math test back and on hers was a big A. Actually it was the best work of the whole class. She couldn't wait to tell it her parents. _

_Her mother was still busy cooking for a few customers and Sara knew that she would be in trouble if she dared to interrupt her. Her father was not home. She didn't know where he was or when he would be home, but she really hoped he would be back soon. She wanted to share the good news. Maybe he would buy her the book she had wanted for months as a reward. _

_As if on cue she heard the door downstairs open. Quickly she grabbed her test, jumped up from her bed and ran to the door of her room, looking into the hall to the stairs. A good minute and some strange noises later, Sara saw her father slowly appearing at the top of the stairs. He looked...tired. _

_When he reached the top, he stopped. _

_Sara looked at him closely. Something seemed strange about him today. She thought about returning to her room to wait a few more hours before telling him about the test, but then his rough, deep voice reached her ears._

_"Sara?" His brown eyes bored into hers. "What's up, Darling?" He smiled at her, still not moving from his position. _

_Sara smiled back at him. Slowly stepping out of her room, but still keeping the distance between them, not sure if it was really safe to get close to him. After all she had learned to be careful over the years._

_"I wanted to show you the math test I got back today." Sara's voice was small and unsure. Something about her father made her nervous today. _

_Her father gripped the stair rail before answering. "And, what did the teacher give you?" _

_Something about his voice sounded also strange. It was rougher than normal. But Sara was way too happy about her mark. So she decided that everything was okay. "I've got an A. The best test of the class." Now the young brunette was beaming from her position at her door._

_Slowly she watched a big smile appear on her fathers face. "That's my little girl! I'm so proud of you." Then he said something Sara never expected to hear. "Now come here and give me big hug." He opened his arms wide and waited for his daughter to come to him._

_Sara must have looked as surprised as she felt, because her father spoke up again. "Now come on. Just run and jump in Daddy's arms, Darling. I'll catch you."_

_Not really thinking, Sara started running towards her father, towards the stairs. If she would have been more observant she would have noticed the strong smell of alcohol before. She would have noticed his lack of balance. She would have noticed his slurred voice. But Sara didn't. She was way too happy with the events of the day. First she got that test back and now her father wanted to hug her. _

_A few feet away from her father the little brunette jumped. Unfortunately it was the exact moment when her father lost his balance in his drunkenness and reached for the stair rail with both hands. _

_The next seconds were a blur. Sara couldn't stop anymore and jumped directly down the stairs. The last thing she was aware of before she blacked out was the horrible pain in her leg._

_End Flashback_

Her fathers words still echoing through mind, Sara started to panic. Unable to stop the fall, she tried reflexively to slow down her impact on the ground. For that she turned midair to her side, trying to get her left hand in front of her to break the fall.

Catherine was caught by surprise by Sara's movement. The new position the brunette was now in, didn't allow Catherine to grab her properly like she had planned. All she managed to grab was Sara's shirt. Like that she managed to slow down the fall of her co-worker at least a little bit, but not as much as she had whished.

Sara's landing wasn't exactly gentle, but it could have been worse. As soon as she hit the ground and felt Catherine and Alex by her side helping her up a few seconds later she realized what she had done. "I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry…"

Catherine felt hurt. She was hurt and disappointed. Why couldn't Sara just trust her? The blonde tried her best not to show her disappointment, but she failed, because Sara didn't stop apologizing.

"God, Catherine, I don't know what cam over me. It was just another flashback. My father wanted to catch me, but didn't and then I fell down the stairs and…" Sara was rambling. She felt horrible. She knew exactly what she just did to Catherine. She confirmed her that she didn't trust her at all. But that wasn't the case. It wasn't like that.

Alex watched the scene before her. She feared that something like that would happen. She chose the easiest activity she knew on purpose, yet it didn't have the desired effect. Sara had still a lot of bottles up fears and they had the tendencies to show up in the most inappropriate moments. Today really wasn't her day. First the argument about Eddie's death and now this. What would come next?

After hearing Sara's rambled apology Catherine knew that she shouldn't feel hurt. It wasn't Sara's fault. She just had never someone to trust, right? The blonde took a deep breath. Now she had to calm down Sara – and forget about her own feelings.

"Its okay Sara. Don't worry about it. Nothing happened." She gave Sara's shoulder a soft reassuring squeeze. The look on the brunettes face told her that she was truly sorry. Before she managed to say something else, Sara spoke up again.

"I'm so sorry. Let's do it again, okay?" Sara sounded desperate.

It was Alex who replied. "Its okay, Sara. We shouldn't exaggerate it. You are afraid in certain situations, due to what you had to go through as a kid. You are traumatized and that doesn't go away from one moment to the next just because you want it to be gone. No harm was done and I think that's everything that matters. We should start our way back now."

Before Sara had any chance to protest, Catherine was already on her way back to one of the big vans that was parked in the middle of the camp. "I'm getting some cotton to pad my feet." Was all she called over her shoulder.

After knowing Catherine for seven years, Sara knew that she was very disappointed.

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_A/N: Well? I'm sure this didn't go like you expected it. As you may have noticed, I'm building up some tension - and there's more to come. Stay tuned!_


	50. Chapter 50

_A/N: I know that it's been a while since I updated, but somehow life got in the way. Well, now I'm back and I really hope that I can finish the next chapter faster. _

_I owe you all a big THANK YOU for your reviews. They always inspire me, so keep writing them ;-)! Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!_

_Now, enjoy the new chapter._

* * *

**Chapter 50**

After watching Catherine disappear with slumped shoulders, Sara angrily turned to Alex. "Why did you do that? Why didn't you let me do it again? I trust Catherine at least that much and I would have proven it."

Alex was slightly taken aback from the brunette's outburst. "Look, Sara, you need to calm down."

She didn't get any further as the CSI interrupted her again. "I don't want to calm down. I let her down, Alex. I really let her down. I could have proven that I started to trust her, but I failed. As if that wasn't be bad enough. At least you could have given me chance to make up for that." Sara was mad, mad at Alex for not giving her a second chance and definitely mad at herself for not being able to do such a damn fucking simple exercise.

"Sara, please calm down and let me explain." Alex could understand Sara's anger to some extent, yet she knew that she had to calm her down.

When Sara didn't answer, but just glared at her, the psychologist took that as her cue to go on. "Sara, I know you probably won't want to hear this, but there would have been no point in repeating the exercise."

When the investigator was about to interrupt again, Alex held a hand up to stop her. "Please let me finish, then think about what I told you and then answer, okay?" She sighed when she received another icy glare. At least Sara seemed to stay silent.

"As I said, it would have been pointless to do it again. First of all, your fears are buried deep in your subconscious. They are always there, even if you don't realize it. Of course you can work on them and one day I'm sure you'll be in control of your fears, but that definitely doesn't work from one moment to the other just because you want it. The human mind is a tricky thing, Sara." Alex paused looking for the right words to continue.

"You would have probably managed to let yourself fall the second time, but honestly, it would have proven nothing. You would not just have done it, you would have forced yourself to do it. I can see it in your body language that you are still troubled by your latest flashback. You also have to consider that it could have happened again. You could have another flashback. You don't have control over that. Fortunately you managed not to hurt yourself the last time. I would like to keep it like that."

Sara was looking at the ground. She didn't like one bit of what Alex was telling her. It came down to the fact that she was so screwed up that she was incapable of even the smallest thing. "At least I could have shown Catherine that I trust her." The brunette's statement was almost whispered and filled with guilt.

Alex shook her head. Sara didn't seem to get it. "No, Sara it wouldn't. I know you don't want to hear that, but you ... well, kind of disappointed Catherine the first time and no second or third try would have erased that. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is always better than some lie, because lies are doomed to come back and get you when you didn't need it at all."

Sara looked up sharply at Alex's reply, tears already starting to form in her eyes. She screwed up - big time! She tried to blink back the tears. She really didn't want to cry in front of Alex. The brunette already felt weak and embarrassed enough without that additional humiliation.

Alex observed the CSI closely. She knew that her last statement was harsh. It probably sounded even harsher than she had intended, but she couldn't let Sara believe in a lie. The psychologist knew that Sara tried so hard to get over her fears and that it really wasn't her fault that she was so closed off.

From what she had learned these last days, the brunette was a nice girl, normally strong and independent - at least on the outside. To see her so broken after such a simple incident made her heart ache. Normally Alex saw her patients an hour or two a day, some of them just once a week, some more often. With those it was easier to stay detached. But after spending all that time with Sara and after learning all the horrible things about her past, it was hard not to feel. That was the only explanation she had for what she did next.

She carefully hugged Sara.

At first Sara tensed and tried to move away, but soon she gave in. She leaned her head on Alex shoulder, but refused to let the tears fall.

When she felt Sara relax in her arms, Alex spoke up again, this time her voice soft and quiet. "Sara, this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. I'll talk to Catherine and explain that to her. Give her a little time to think about it and I'm sure she'll realize it on her own. She stuck to you these last days, no matter what happened. She won't abandon you now. I've planned another activity for tomorrow. So you'll have another chance to prove yourself, okay?"

She felt Sara nodding against her shoulder.

"But you have to promise me something. Don't force yourself to do things you aren't comfortable with. You had to live through a lot in your life and now everything is catching up with you. I think it's good that it's coming out, because like this you have the chance to deal with it. Just don't expect it to happen from one day to the next. It will take a long time. And the best thing you could do is meet regularly with a counselor when you are back in Vegas. With Catherine at your side, I'm sure it will work out. You just have to give yourself time."

Sara took Alex words in and slowly started to untangle herself from the psychologist's arms. While doing so she avoided Alex eyes. She hated it to show weakness in front of other people. "Sorry."

Alex took a step back to give the investigator some space to regain her composure. After a minute of silence she asked: "Sara, do you understand what I just said?"

Without looking up, Sara gave her a small nod.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thirty minutes into their walk back Catherine felt Sara's eyes on her again. She knew exactly what was coming next.

"I'm really sorry, Catherine."

Catherine sighed. This was slowly starting to get annoying. "For the thousandth time: its okay, Sara. I know that it wasn't your fault." Unfortunately that didn't make it hurt any less. But she wasn't going to admit that. Her co-worker seemed truly sorry and even if a tiny part of her wanted to lash out and make her hurt too, she just couldn't do it.

To say that she had been optimistic when Alex had announced what kind of exercise they were doing was an understatement. It sounded simple. Simple enough for Sara to do it – so she thought.

As sad as it was, it looked like Sara really didn't trust her. Maybe she never would… They have known each other for over seven years now, yet it seemed that there was no trust at all between them.

Catherine sighed absentmindedly. She had really hoped that this seminar would change something between them. Well, it did change something. It changed the light in which the blonde saw her younger co-worker. But that's about it. It didn't seem like Sara saw anything different in her now.

She just couldn't understand it. How could the brunette not trust her? She would trust Sara with her life every time, but her co-worker couldn't even do that little exercise.

They had been here for almost three days now and right now it didn't look like there would be the big break through in their friendship anytime soon. Tomorrow would be the last productive day, because there was only one last summarizing meeting planned on Friday morning and then they would start their journey back home to Vegas.

They were definitely running out of time – and Catherine was running out of patience.

In the beginning she was very understanding for Sara's situation and her behavior. But that was because she believed that everything would be okay. Then it was easy to forgive the brunette for her actions and words. It was easy to understand her feelings.

But after three days she had really hoped that they would have archived more. Catherine was disappointed and she was sure that Sara and Alex were very aware of that.

Thinking about what lay ahead of her didn't exactly make her feel better. They were just thirty minutes into their march back and her feet were already hurting. It looked like Sara's idea wasn't really helping. And on top of that she had volunteered to carry the backpack – something she already regretted. It made every step even more painful. Of course she wasn't going to admit that.

The problem was that if Sara kept apologizing and if her feet hurt more, Catherine couldn't guarantee anything she might do.

She feared the moment when Alex would start to talk again. She was sure that the psychologist already had a few nice topics in her mind about which she wanted to talk. Considering what had happened on their way to the camp, Catherine really wasn't sure how she would react this time if a critical topic would come up. Because right now she felt a lot worse than she did a few hours ago – and they still had a long way in front of them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. She took a deep breath. She needed to stay calm. She needed to stay clam! This whole seminar was nothing but frustrating. She took another deep breath and turned to Sara. "What do you mean you think we got lost?" It took all her will power not to scream.

The sky was already dangerously dark – not from the approaching night but from thick, dark rain clouds. It was just a matter of time until the first rain drops would fall.

Sara looked at the map for the hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes. How the hell could that happen? Normally she was able to read a map. Actually, she couldn't even remember one time when she held a map the wrong way. If she could know at least where they were …

The brunette took another worried glance at the sky. The last thing she needed now was a storm. Didn't the weather forecast predict the bad weather for tomorrow?

Catherine's angry voice ripped her out of her thoughts. "Sara?! I asked you a question!"

Sara inevitably cringed at her co-workers tone. Yet she couldn't help the sarcastic reply leaving her mouth. "How many meanings does "we are lost" have?"

Catherine was ready to snap back, when Alex interrupted them. "Ladies!" Her voice was loud and clear and got both CSIs attention. "This isn't helping."

Again it was the older investigator who wanted to reply, but Alex just held her hand up to stop her. "Shouting at each other won't bring us back on the right track – only teamwork will."

That earned her a snort from Catherine. "Oh yeah, teamwork is one of our specialties. Haven't we shown that about three hours ago? Or the last days? How good can you work together if the other one thinks you are some kind of slut?"

"WHAT?!" Sara couldn't believe her ears. Never ever did she say something like that. Catherine's bitchy mood these last hours was starting to piss her off. "I never said something like that and you know that!"

To Sara's surprise Alex shared the same opinion. "She's right, Catherine. You are exaggerating."

Catherine sent the psychologist an icy glare. "Really? Thank you, Alex. And now you are probably going to tell me that it's my fault that we have no idea where we are!?"

Sara thought about telling her that it was at least partly her fault because if she hadn't been overreacting when the brunette had admitted that she still thought that Catherine was using her sexuality every now and then to get what she wanted, if her older co-worker hadn't pushed her, she wouldn't have dropped the map and wouldn't have lost their position. However Sara was smart enough to know that such a comment would most likely start World War III, so she kept quiet, hoping that Alex would manage to calm the blonde down again.

"Catherine, please clam down. You are right. Sara probably did read the map wrong but we both know that she did this by accident and not on purpose." Alex tried her best to sound calm. She too wasn't happy about being lost in a big forest with strange animals and a storm about to break loose. But the psychologist also knew that blaming Sara wasn't a solution. "We need to think of a way to get back to the mansion – as fast as possible if we want to make it before the rain and night."

Catherine was still miles away from being calm. She was in desperate need of a shower and a bed. Her feet hurt like hell and it was starting to get colder. All that didn't really improve her mood. "An accident? You call that an accident?" The blond knew that her behavior was childish, but right now she was frustrated enough with the whole situation to not care at all.

Sara was now slowly loosing her temper, too. "I'm sorry. I made a mistake! I'm just human. That happens." She glared at Catherine before adding. "Or do you wanna tell me you never make mistakes?"

The older CSI shook her head and let out a dry laugh. "At least I don't get us lost in the middle of nowhere!"

Without really thinking Sara countered. Her rational side was long gone. "No, you just blow up the lab. Way to go, Mrs. Willows!" As soon as the words had left her mouth Sara regretted them.

Right now it seemed like nothing had changed between her and Catherine. They were arguing like in the good old times. Words were flying like daggers without thinking about the damage they could do. One snappy remark was followed by another one. Feelings on both sides got hurt. Damn!

Sara closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Catherine. I didn't mean it." Her voice was quiet and full of guilt.

Catherine just held up her hand to stop the apology. All the anger and energy suddenly left her body. "No, you are right. I'm definitely good at making mistakes." She sounded defeated.

Now it was Alex turn to loose her temper. "I don't believe you! Do you remember what I told you yesterday?" She looked accusingly at both CSIs. "It was something about thinking first and then talking. You both let yourself guide way too much by your emotions. No wonder you are constantly at each others throats."

Sara and Catherine both looked away embarrassed. Why did they always manage to get so easily under each others skin?

Before Sara had another chance to apologize, Catherine started to walk back to where they'd come from. "Alex is right. Right now all I want is to get back to the mansion. I suggest we walk back until we cross the big road. It should be a good mile in that direction. When we reach it we can try to orientate ourselves." Her voice sounded as empty as Sara's.

Sara nodded numbly and followed her co-worker silently.

Alex was left behind, again wondering what the hell just happened. If this was all the two investigators had to say, then it looked like there was a long silent way in front of them. Alex sighed and followed the two women.

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's it. I'm not really happy about the ending, but the right words just refused to come out. Forgive me!_


	51. Chapter 51

_A/N: You guys are great! That's the only thing I can say. After receiving all your kind reviews I just had to sit down again and write another chapter right away. _

silver-screen-953, princess moon shadow, bene, chocolatefan, meester, Haldir's Heart and Soul, charmed1818: _Thank you all so much for your reviews! It's great to know that my work is appreciated. I hope I can also live up to your expectations in the future._  
wicked smile, Halliwell-luver, Stella Taylor16: _Well, I wrote somewhere that I normally like happy endings, but right now things don't look too good for Cath and Sara. And I can promise you that there's more trouble to come._  
El Gringo Loco: _Why am I not surprised that you like the way things turned out ;-)? But I have to disappoint you with Alex. She WON'T suddenly vanish. If she can really help is something time will have to tell ..._  
Lyanna Stark: _Don't worry! I might be busy_ _at times but I really really want to finish this story. And if I should announce one day, that I won't finish this story, feel free to bother me with PMs until I start again ;-)_  
Rumidha:_ Wow, thank you! I'm really glad you like the way I portray the characters. _  
boneswhisper: _This is definitely no GSR-story - at least not one with a happy ending for Griss and Sara. But Saras former relationship with Grissom will play an important part in the future chapters._

* * *

Alex sighed. The hike had ended exactly like she had predicted it would: in total silence, and with tension in the air thick enough that you could cut it with a knife. Not to mention the fact that it had started to rain, about forty minutes before they had reached the mansion. It wasn't raining much, but even those few drops managed to soak them completely after forty minutes. 

And now here they were, in front of the mansion, wet and cold, with bottled up anger threatening to explode any second. Alex knew that if she had to name a work assignment which went totally wrong this seminar the two CSIs would be on top of the list.

Yesterday she was optimistic. Hell! Even this morning she was still optimistic, after seeing Catherine and Sara joking around during breakfast. The psychologist really didn't expect the two investigators to react the way they had under physical duress.

Alex knew that deep down the CSIs didn't have a problem with each other. They just both seemed to have the same defense mechanisms. As soon as they were put under physical or mental pressure they lashed out at their environment to protect themselves.

Great, she could explain their behavior psychologically, but wasn't able to do anything to help them. She really needed advanced training!

But Alex knew that instead of thinking about what she could do in the future to prevent that, she should rather do something for Catherine and Sara right now.

Catherine was the first to arrive at the door. Without waiting for the others she pushed the door open and entered the building, heading straight for the stairs. The only thing on her mind was to get those damn shoes off and to take a very hot shower. Then she would fall into the bed and pretend that this day never happened.

Alex was the next one at the front door. She held the door open for Sara, who finally entered with a very defeated look on her face. After she had closed the door again, leaving all the unfriendly weather outside, she turned to the brunette who stood motionless beside her. "Come on, let's get dry." She gave Sara a slight pat on the shoulder, but the CSI wasn't moving. "Sara?"

Sara ran a hand through her wet hair and sighed. "Actually I doubt that Catherine would want me upstairs with her. I think I screwed up enough today." She had trouble getting the words out, because her teeth refused to stop chattering. Thinking back to the temperatures in which they had started their hike this morning, Sara was amazed how fast the temperatures could drop. From the scientific point of view it probably wasn't that cold, but her wet clothes created another feeling.

Alex put her hand carefully on Sara's arm what caused the brunette to look up. "Sara, what happened at the camp wasn't your fault. That we got lost wasn't really your fault either. Stuff like that happens. The only not so smart thing you did today was your remark about Catherine blowing up the crime lab. Even I don't know if I can blame you for that, considering that Catherine wasn't really innocent in that very argument."

Sara looked at Alex like she had grown a second head. "Why do you say that?" She shook her head confused. "You make it sound like I did nothing wrong and Catherine is the one to blame. That's not true." After a short pause she continued. "I gave her a reason to be mad at me. Then I got us lost. And then I made the totally inappropriate remark about the explosion at the lab. I really don't see how I can be innocent and Catherine guilty."

Alex sighed and shook her head. Here we go again. "I didn't say that, Sara. Actually I don't really think that either of you is responsible for that. You just had…bad luck. A chain of unfortunate events. And if we want to blame someone, than we should blame me."

The CSI sent Alex a confused look. She really couldn't picture how the psychologist was at fault for this mess.

Before answering Sara's unspoken question, Alex pulled her with her in the directions of the stairs. They needed dry clothes after all. When the investigator followed reluctantly, Alex spoke up again. "Sara, I'm the psychologist. I get paid for figuring out what problems people have and how they can deal with them. And today I didn't realize what great pressure this trip put you both under. After what happened on the way to the camp I should have never allowed you to walk back. I think something like that was bound to happen. I guess, I didn't want to admit that. And therefore it's my fault."

Sara stared at her. Could she do that? Simply blame everything on Alex? That wasn't right. But right now she was in no condition to argue with the psychologist, so she just followed her quietly down the hall to her and Catherine's room.

Without knocking Alex opened the door. Catherine was sitting on the bed, clad in only her underwear, a towel thrown over her shoulders, carefully inspecting her feet. When she heard the door open, the blonde looked up.

Catherine was ready to snap at them, for … well, she would just snap at them without any real reason. But she was too tired. Since she got out of her clothes and shoes she felt a lot better – and she definitely didn't need another argument right now. So without saying anything she turned her attention back to her feet.

Alex looked from Catherine to Sara and back to Catherine. It didn't look like any of the women was going to say anything, so it was her turn. Before speaking she cleared her throat. "Well, ladies, what are we going to do now?"

Catherine looked up again. "I don't know what you are going to do, but I'll take a long shower and then go to bed. No more talking, no more exercises. No more nothing." She had definitely had enough trust building for today.

Sara cringed at Catherine's harsh tone, but Alex wasn't impressed. "I wasn't talking about something like that. I was more referring to the two of you. Let me get something straight first. What happened today was mostly my fault. I was the one responsible for choosing what to do – and today I failed miserably. I should have realized how much of a toll this trip would take on you. If I had have done this the situation would never have escalated like it did. Yet, I'm convinced that neither of you really meant what was said today. You were both stressed and upset, which is understandable. I really think you should sleep on it and tomorrow we can start off new. I haven't given up on you and I really really hope that neither have you." She paused, hoping her words would sink in. "But before I leave we have to clear something else." Alex waited until Catherine looked at her again before continuing. "Sara here doubts that you would share a room with her. Are you that mad or can you work it out?"

Catherine closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was so typical Sara. "Look, right now I'm tired, and cold and my feet hurt like hell. All I want to do is take a shower and sleep. And I really don't care …" She stopped herself mid sentence. Her anger wasn't really helping now. She took another deep breath. "Sara, of course you can stay. First of all this is your room, too, and secondly I don't mind." She sent Sara a forced smile before getting up and vanishing in the bathroom.

After the bathroom door closed, Alex turned to Sara. "Are you okay?"

Sara just nodded.

"Are you okay with staying here with Catherine?"

The brunette shrugged, a small smile on her lips. "I really think we are both too exhausted to go on fighting. I'll be okay. I just hope you are right. That tomorrow there will be a new start and a better day." While slowly walking over to the couch she added. "You know, if it stays like that I don't think I'm going back to Vegas. I couldn't bear the thought of someone I'm constantly fighting with knowing all my deepest secrets."

"Sara, it …"

"Good night, Alex. We'll talk tomorrow." With that the CSI sat down on the couch and started to get rid off her shoes.

Alex knew that this was the last word she would get from Sara today. Hopefully after a good night sleep they would all be more optimistic and productive tomorrow. Before leaving the room she turned to Sara one last time, her voice quiet and soft. "Try to sleep as long as possible tomorrow and just come and find me when you are both awake and ready. We have no hard schedule. I just want you two relaxed, okay?"

Sara's only answer was a small nod.

Alex sighed. She needed to talk to Dr. Waters. After a quick shower and dry clothes she would find her boss and ask for help, because right now it seemed like there was nothing she could do. "Good night." With that she left the room, heading for her own one.

Sara was left behind. After her shoes were off, she opened her suitcase and got her big fluffy towel out of it. Quickly she undressed and wrapped the towel around her, before sitting down on the couch again, waiting for Catherine to finish the shower and hopefully leaving some hot water for her.

While waiting her mind drifted back to what had happened these last days. Before they traveled to Louisiana everything was okay. Maybe it wasn't perfect. She knew that she had lived through happier periods in her life, but it was okay. She could cope with it. Even the relationship between Catherine and herself was more or less okay. They were hardly fighting anymore. Probably because Sara had lost the fire and the will to fight back somewhere those last months.

Still, they were not fighting. When she told Catherine about the seminar it even looked like Catherine really cared. After all she wanted to be her friend. Things looked good. Even the flight was okay when she was allowed to hold Catherine's hand. Then they shared the bed the first night and her co-worker held her during a nightmare. No one had done that in a long time.

Then came the beginning of the end. The first session with Albert. Catherine learned all her secrets. Something that was never supposed to happened – not like that at least. That was when she was angry at Catherine. Angry for not helping her with Albert and angry for suddenly knowing all those things about her.

That night she did what she would do when she was alone at home after a hard day: she drank. The alcohol and the memories Albert had called back caused a really bad nightmare. She couldn't remember what it was about, but from Catherine's descriptions it must have been vivid. Well, considering that she did God knew what to her hand it had to be vivid. Despite the nightmare she fell asleep again in Catherine's arms.

The next morning everything seemed to be okay. Catherine even had a plan to get rid off Albert. And it worked. The bastard was gone and they got a new psychologist: Alex. A – on the first look – friendly and competent psychologist from Chicago. The rest of the day went well. They talked. And it didn't feel so bad at all.

Like so often there came the time when her fears got the best of her. She was afraid to hurt Catherine during another nightmare. So she arranged to switch rooms with Alex. Catherine seemed to understand and everything looked so positive. It looked like they could become friends.

Like expected Sara had another nightmare – definitely not a pleasant one. Yet, things were okay. Catherine was nice and they had breakfast together. If she thought about it like that, it really seemed like it was only the hike which made things go from good to bad in a few hours.

Firstly they talked about Eddie's murder and it turned out that Catherine was still blaming her. Alex turned around the facts and made it finally look less drastic, but even the psychologist couldn't change the fact the blonde was still blaming her. Well, she decided to live with that somehow.

At the camp things seemed to calm down again. They talked and everything was okay again. Then Alex wanted to do that exercise. A damn simple exercise. Yet, Sara was unable to do it – which hurt Catherine.

She tried to apologize on the way back to the mansion, but Catherine just told her it was okay. Of course she knew that it wasn't. Then Alex brought up the fight which led to her suspension. At first she didn't think that this topic would cause any trouble, considering that she and Catherine had talked about this before back in Vegas and they had both apologized then.

Well, it turned out Sara was wrong. Or Catherine understood her wrong when they talked about it. Whatever it was, Catherine became mad. She even bumped into her forcefully, which caused Sara to drop the map. A simple act which caused even more trouble, because somehow she lost their position on the map during that time and therefore pointed them in the wrong direction afterwards.

When Catherine found out that they were lost, she became really mad. The things she said also made Sara lose her temper. In the end they both said things they didn't mean – again.

Somehow they finally found their way back. To make things worse it started to rain and they were soaked when they arrived back at the mansion. And now Catherine was still mad at her. And – even if it hurt – she had a right to be mad.

Sara knew she screwed up. And she really didn't know if she was able to repair the damage she had caused today. She probably pushed away one of the few people who ever really wanted to be close to her.

The opening of the bathroom door ripped Sara out of her thoughts. She looked up to meet Catherine's eyes, trying to decipher her mood. They looked silently at each other for a few seconds, before the blonde turned away and headed for the bed.

"There should be enough hot water left." Catherine said, while she started to put her wet clothes on the windowsill to dry.

Sara nodded. "Thanks." She had hoped that her co-worker would say something else, but this would have to wait until tomorrow. She stood up and picked up her sleep wear. Before going to the bathroom she turned to Catherine one last time. "Alex said we should sleep as long as we can tomorrow. She wants us as relaxed as possible."

"Alright. That's a good idea, because I'm really exhausted." Catherine sent her a weak smile.

"Yeah, me, too." And with that Sara vanished into the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower could erase some of the disturbing thoughts that were running through her mind.

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_A/N: Hope you liked it.  
Next chapter: Catherine and Sara think about what happened today._


	52. Chapter 52

_A/N: All I can say is: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! for reading and reviewing. I just love you all :-)_

_Just two quick statements before we start:  
El Gringo Loco: Don't get me wrong either. I just love your reviews! I really enjoy reading them. Sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they inspire me that not everything should go too smoothly. You just have to keep posting :-)  
GoldenLocks: You know, actually I was tempted to wait a bit longer with this update, just to see what you would finally come up with ;-)_

_Now enjoy the chapter!_

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**Chapter 52**

Catherine was staring out the window and into the darkness of the night. She pulled the covers tighter around her body. Despite being totally exhausted sleep refused to come over her. So instead of sleeping she was watching the rain drops hit the window with a monotonous sound. Her mind was way too busy to just switch off.

The fact that the woman her mind was analyzing was lying right beside her wasn't really helping either. After Sara had gone into the bathroom to take a shower, Catherine had immediately crawled under the warm comfy covers of the bed. She had moved as far as possible to one end of the bed. She wasn't sure yet how to feel about her co-worker, who would soon be lying beside her.

Catherine hadn't managed to fall asleep since then, but she didn't move either - not even when Sara had entered the room again. She could feel the brunette's eyes on her, but instead of acknowledging her presence she just feigned sleep. Catherine was pretty sure that her co-worker wasn't buying it, but at that time she felt anything but ready to talk about what had happened today, so she closed her eyes tightly and waited for Sara to move.

But she didn't. Sara didn't move at all. Catherine couldn't see her, but it sounded like she was still in front of the bathroom, probably contemplating whether to talk to the blonde or not. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably nothing more than a few minutes, the younger CSI seemed to have made up her mind, because she heard her moving and finally slide under the covers beside her without uttering a single word.

When Sara finally lay still, Catherine opened her eyes again, blankly staring ahead out of the window and listening to her own breathing and the rain. Her mind was busy analyzing her own feelings.

Her feelings were hurt - that much was clear. But was feeling like that justified? Was she being unfair? Should she be more understanding of Sara's situation? So many questions and no answers.

Catherine had feared that the day would end like this. Even on the way to the camp she knew that this physical exertion would cause her to become touchy. Sara not being able to do the trust fall was just the trigger for her slowly building frustration to break free. Of course, deep down, she knew that she couldn't hold her co-worker responsible for what happened. It wasn't like Sara had any power over those damn flashbacks. But even if it was illogical: she still felt hurt.

Why did such a simple thing have to cause that flashback? Everything was more or less fine before. They had enjoyed the break together and this exercise was supposed to be motivating - that's the reason why it was so simple. But of course it didn't work out as it was planned.

Was she really asking for too much when she wanted Sara to show her at least a little sign of trust? God damn it! Seven years and three intense trust building days and nothing had changed. Wasn't she allowed to run out of patience at some point? Some sort of appreciation would be really nice. But right now she really doubted that she would ever get it.

Looking back at the days events, Sara failing to do that exercise wasn't even the worst thing. What had really hurt her was the brunette's admission that she still thought that Catherine used her sexuality to get what she wanted. She was really shocked when she heard that. After all they had talked about their outburst over a beer a few months later and they had both apologized for what they had said. But as Sara had clarified today she wasn't really sorry for what she said, just for the way she had said it.

When her co-worker had announced that a few hours ago, she felt like someone had slapped her. She really hadn't seen that coming. That was probably the moment when her will to stay in control of her anger and frustration slowly left her. At that point she really felt hurt.

Sara finally admitting that she had no idea where they were at the moment, was the straw that broke the camel's back. She started to lash out at Sara without really thinking about the consequences. Talking without thinking, like Alex called it. Right then, all she needed was a good fight. A fight like she'd had before with Sara. One with a lot of shouting. Some sort of cleaning thunderstorm. Simply a chance to get rid off all the built up anger. And Sara wouldn't have been Sara if she had turned down an invitation to fight.

They hadn't fought like that in a long time, but somehow it felt ... good. And that thought alone made it so very wrong. Catherine suddenly became aware of that when Sara had blamed the lab explosion on her. It felt like a stab right through the heart and it left her breathless. In that very second she started to realize how wrong this shouting match was.

Like always in the past, in the end someone ended up hurt. Often it was Sara who was at that end of the fight. But not today. Today she won.

Catherine suddenly had a hard time fighting back the tears. This day made her realize some things.

1) Sara still didn't trust her one bit.

2) They still had the ability to fight with each other over nothing.

3) They still knew exactly how to hurt each other.

Was this really the basis for a friendship? Tomorrow would bring some sort of decision. Alex would probably make them talk and then there would be that other trust building activity the psychologist had talked about. Tomorrow was their last chance to work something out. Would they succeed?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sara didn't know how but somehow she'd managed to shower. Washing yourself and your hair wasn't exactly easy with just one hand. And that was really all she had, because her injured hand was hurting like hell. Maybe she needed to see a doctor after all - even if she definitely wasn't looking forward to it. But like that she couldn't work. Well, who knew if she needed to work in the near future? If things weren't working out here, she would probably quit in Vegas anyway.

She sighed. Wasn't she really optimistic this evening? It never ceased to amaze her how life can change within a few hours.

After drying herself off she somewhat awkwardly redressed her hand. If it hurt like that it was probably better to stabilize it over night. Her dressing didn't look as perfect as Catherine's, but it had to do, because there was no way she would bother her right now.

When Sara was dressed and ready for bed she switched off the light and stepped back into the room. The light was already out. It took her eyes a few seconds to adjust to darkness. Soon she was able to spot Catherine in the bed. The blonde's back was turned to her. Her body wasn't relaxed, but kind of tensed. A good sign that Catherine wasn't asleep - yet she wasn't moving.

Sara waited, hoping that her co-worker would acknowledge her presence, would say something, would do something to resolve this awkward situation. But nothing happened. After watching Catherine for a few minutes, Sara decided that it was pointless. She carefully moved to the bed, trying not to stumble over objects in her way. Without much sound she crawled in the bed beside the blonde.

Catherine still refused to admit that she was still awake. But now that Sara was close enough to hear her irregular breathing she knew for sure that the older woman wasn't sleeping. Unsure what to do, she watched her for another minute, before finally giving up. She turned her back to Catherine trying to find a comfortable position without hurting her hand.

Sara closed her eyes and listened to the rain. The sound of rain drops on a window always had a calming effect on her.

She snuggled deeper into the pillow, for the first time since their return realizing that she wasn't just mentally exhausted but also physically. Her legs felt heavy and her hand and head were throbbing. All she wanted to do was sleep. Sleep and forget about what had happened today. Sara knew that if she now started to think about what happened today she would never catch any sleep.

She sent a silent prayer to which ever God was willing to listen, that things would work out tomorrow. Then she slowly drifted off to sleep.

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_A/N: I have some trouble writing the next chapter right now, so it could take a while until I update again, but I promise to hurry. Thanks for reading!_


	53. Chapter 53

_A/N: When I said it might take a while until I update again, I really didn't had three weeks in mind. I'm sorry about that. But right now I don't have much freetime, because I try desperately to finish my diploma thesis :-) I'll hope next time I'll be faster..._

_Thank you so much for all your reviews! You guys are really great! Thanks!_

_Willow-Eris: All 52 chapters in one night? Respect:-) I'm sure that took some time. Glad you like it.  
tracy: Actually I never thought about submitting my story anywhere else. To be honest I have no idea where else to post it ;-). Any suggestions?  
GoldenLocks: German is fine with me. Ist eh' die coolste Sprache, oder? ;-) Sorry again that this chapter took so long. I hope I get a review anyway?? )_

_I want to apologize in advance. This is a rather short chapter. But I figured I would give rather this instead of nothing.  
Enjoy reading!_

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**Chapter 53**

"Well…and then Catherine walked away and Sara followed her silently." With that Alex finished her story about the day's events. She definitely wasn't proud of what had happened today.

While recalling everything for Dr. Waters, she felt more and more miserable. With every word she realized more what happened today and how she screwed up.

Her boss was kind enough not to interrupt her, but if Waters angry face was any indication for what was to come, the next few minutes wouldn't be pretty.

Alex sighed. "After that I had no idea what to do. Sara was angry at herself for not trusting Catherine and for the things she just said, Catherine was disappointed in Sara for not trusting her and hurt by the things Sara had just said, and I…well, I forgot everything I'd ever learned about human behavior."

She lowered her head and stared at her hands in her lap. Now she remembered what it was like to get reprimanded by the headmaster of the school.

But the expected outburst from Dr. Waters never came. There was just silence - a long silence. Alex thought about looking up again and meeting Waters eyes, because her own behavior seemed really childish to her. But she didn't. She kept waiting for the woman opposite of her to make the next move.

After a few more seconds there was a long sigh at the other side of the desk and she heard Dr. Waters getting up.

"I don't like what you are telling me, Alex."

Now Alex looked up, seeing the head of the seminar standing at the window, looking out into the rain. "You are a great psychologist and I was glad every year when you accepted my invitation to come here."

The younger woman closed her eyes. There was definitely a 'but' coming.

"But you are right about your assessment of the situation: you messed things up." Dr. Waters turned around, looking straight at Alex. "I had a feeling that those two were not easy. That's the reason I chose you to take care of them."

Alex sighed, not sure how or if she should defend herself. "I'm sorry, Doctor. Normally I have control over situations like that. I really don't know how it went so wrong…" She trailed off, unsure how to continue.

To her surprise, Waters also sighed and shook her head before turning back to the window. "After I read their files and especially after the stunt George pulled I should have expected that things wouldn't be easy. Seriously, Sara might be a nice girl, but I'm not really sure if her psyche is stable enough to do the job she is doing."

Alex blinked. Did Waters just say that? "With all due respect, I practically spent the last two days at her side and I can tell you that Sara might have her problems and her ways with dealing with things are right now definitely not the healthiest, but you can believe me if I tell you that I had patients before who really seemed hopeless." She shook her head, a little bit angry that Waters had already wrote Sara off without even knowing her.

"Sara went through a lot – yes – but she survived everything. She's probably a little bit lost right now, but a lot of lost souls have found their way back to life." Alex's voice was filled with determination as she spoke, something that didn't go unnoticed by Waters either.

A small smile appeared on the older woman's lip. That was definitely the Alex Jordan she knew. The question remained if Alex's good intentions were enough to help Sara and in the process help Sara and Catherine. "It looks like you haven't given up yet."

Alex nodded. "You are right. I haven't. There are still one and a half days left. I'm sure I can get them to work out their differences somehow."

Waters' face turned serious again. "Alex, your enthusiasm is remarkable as always, but please consider that this time there is more at stake than just their relationship."

When the young psychologist looked at her quizzically, the head of the seminar explained further. "Maybe you should put more effort in calming them down instead of sorting out their problems. After all, they could still want to hold Albert and therefore this seminar responsible for what happened. If they want to press charges …"

She didn't get any further, because Alex couldn't believe her ears and stood up angrily. "I can't believe you just said that. How can you say that? We are psychologists. We are supposed to help people deal with things which are too difficult to deal with alone. How can you put something trivial like a seminar, even if it's your seminar, before that?" She shook her head unbelievingly.

"You know, Doc, I've always admired you for what you archived in your life, for the way you always put people first. I never expected something like this from you…" Alex felt disappointed. It wasn't like Mary Waters was some kind of hero for her, but she was always impressed when she had a chance to watch her work. And her last statement was totally out of character.

Dr. Waters ran a hand through her hair and shrugged apologetically. "It's called politics, my dear. I still want to help people. Never think otherwise." She paused, looking for the right words to justify what she'd said. "I'm honored to be the head of this seminar now. I think the people from law enforcement who come here deserve nothing less. They risk their life everyday and most of them don't know how to deal with everything. And I know that this seminar – as simple and ridiculous as it sounds – has already helped a lot of people. And I want to continue with that work. Do you see my point?"

Alex slowly let Waters words sink in. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to sacrifice Sara and Catherine for the best of this seminar. She just couldn't do that. She would do everything in her power to help them work out some sort of agreement.

The psychologist sighed while listening to her own thoughts. If her old mentor, Prof. Harris from Harvard, could hear her now, then he would most likely tell her one of his famous rules: You can't get too close to the patients. And she knew that she already felt way too close to Sara. That woman had hit a nerve in her. She wanted desperately to help her – she still just had no idea how.

Dr. Waters ripped her out of her thoughts. "I see your mind is already working on a solution and I know very well that I can't tell you to do something you don't want. But please keep my words in mind. There is more at stake than just Sara and Catherine. As harsh as it sounds, it's true. I will do everything in my power to support you, but I also have the responsibility to this seminar."

Alex nodded, wondering if all Dr. Waters was worrying about was the seminar or if she actually feared to be 'punished' herself. She had no answer to that and she definitely wouldn't get one if she voiced her question.

After all she rather have an understanding Waters on her side than an angry Waters who would work totally against her. And deep down in the rational part of her brain, she knew that the older woman had a point with her statement. She just wasn't ready to admit that yet.

Alex grabbed her notes from the desk and turned to Waters one last time. "Do you have any suggestions for how I should continue?"

Dr. Waters sighed, knowing very well that Alex was not following her order. That meant that she would most likely try to confront them with their problems. Confrontation was a method often used when there wasn't much time to get someone to open up. But she was also aware that a confrontation gone wrong could end this seminar and her position. And she really didn't want that.

"Alex, you are moving on dangerous territory. I said it before and I say it again. Sara seems very labile to me right now and direct confrontation with Catherine could make things get worse instead of better. I'm aware of the fact that you are running out of time to help them and I also realize that you probably don't give a shit about what I just said to you. All I can advise is take it slow and try to keep the upper hand when they start arguing again. I know you can do that."

Alex nodded, not really sure if she should be happy about Waters confidence in her or if she should be disappointed that this great advice wasn't really helping. One thing she knew for sure: she needed to do a lot of thinking and planning before tomorrow.

With that thought she said goodbye to Dr. Waters and left the older woman's office, heading for her own room. On the way there she couldn't stop her mind from wandering to her favorite CSIs. She sent a silent prayer to God that those two would calm down over night and not bite each other's head off till the morning.

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_A/N: Next chapter will be about the next morning. I started writing this chapter for about three or four times already and I always deleted it again. I hope my next attempt will be better.  
Thanks again for reading!!!_


	54. Chapter 54

_A/N: Hey guys! New chapter is finally ready to be posted. Thanks for your reviews! It's great to know that my work is appreaciated. I just love you all!_

_Halliwell-luver: I'm not sure. I guess that depends on how you define okay. You'll have to wait till the end to find out though.  
MaeLace: Thanks! It's about process management. I have to implement new production processes and analyse two process models. It is as boring as it sounds ;-)  
GoldenLocks: I did indeed smile reading your review. And I hope there'll be many more for me to smile about :)_

_And now enjoy the chapter._

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**Chapter 54**

Sara threw her left arm over her eyes, trying desperately to stop the light from disturbing her sleep. But it was to no avail. Her mind slowly drifted back to consciousness.

She sighed and turned around, burying her head in the pillow. When she moved her body she couldn't help but groan from the pain that was suddenly shooting through her legs and arms. The brunette decided to lay as still as possible until she was fully awake and able to determine the cause of that pain.

After a few more seconds yesterday came back to her. The long long long hike on that slippery sandy ground, which had changed to mud after the rain had started. Yeah, that hike would be a good explanation for the current pain in her muscles.

Suddenly she remembered that the complaints of her body about yesterday's activities weren't her only problem. Actually it was the smallest problem she had right now. The other one was lying beside her.

Okay, calling Catherine a problem wasn't really correct. It was more like she was the problem. Anyway, she had to face the music at one point. Last night Catherine managed to avoid the probably painful discussion that lay ahead of them by simply ignoring her and pretending to be asleep. Hopefully her dear co-worker managed to calm down over the night.

Sara sighed again. After her stupid comment last night it was unlikely that 'calmed down' would describe Catherine's state of mind. She was most likely still hurt and disappointed – something she had a right to feel. The brunette just hoped that they would at least talk about it.

That thought caused her to chuckle. She couldn't remember one occasion in her life when she was ready to talk – without someone forcing her to do so.

Sara figured that she had survived this week till now, so she could at least try to make it not a complete waste of time. That meant she somehow had to work out her 'thing' with Catherine. Sara decided that before she started to over-analyze things again, she should just go for it. Maybe a friendly good morning was a good way to test the waters.

"Good Morning."

With that the CSI turned around, gritting her teeth at the unwelcome pain that made itself known in her arms and legs. She closed her eyes and waited for the pain to vanish. When it did after a few seconds, she opened her eyes again.

What she saw then wasn't what she had expected. Beside her was no Catherine. The other side of the bed was empty – and according to the temperature of the sheets - for quite some time.

Sara sat up, ignoring her arching muscles. Panic started to rise inside of her. Where was Catherine? Was yesterday really the straw that broke the camel's back? Had Catherine already left? Was everything over?

Her eyes darted around the room, looking for anything that might give her a clue about her co-workers whereabouts. The first thing Sara noticed was the open bathroom door and the darkness inside. Catherine definitely wasn't in there.

Panic was slowly overtaking her. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Before her little attack developed into a full panic attack her eyes fell on Catherine's suitcase, which lay still in the same spot as yesterday.

She didn't leave.

SHE DIDN'T LEAVE!

Sara took some deep breaths to calm herself down again. When her breathing returned to normal she leaned her head back against the headboard of the bed. She didn't know whether to cry or to laugh about her own stupidity. It wasn't like her life depended on Catherine.

Or did it?

She banned that disturbing thought to the back of her mind.

Didn't Alex say something about thinking more positively? Catherine was probably just hungry and went to breakfast and she didn't wake her because she didn't want to disturb her sleep – or because she didn't want to talk to her, Sara added as an afterthought.

The brunette shook her head. All this thinking wasn't going to help her. She needed to do something. After all she came here with the intention to fix her own problems and build some sort of friendship with Catherine.

And there was still today left to prove to the blonde that this friendship thing could work between them. She could prove that she trusted Catherine – at least to some extent.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do." She said out loud.

Enthusiastically she threw the covers off and swung her legs over the edge, only to be reminded again of yesterday's torture. Maybe she would start with a hot shower to relax her muscles before starting her search for Catherine.

Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. Slowly she hobbled to her suitcase, grabbed a towel and fresh clothes and hobbled into the bathroom.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A nice long, hot shower later, Sara felt a lot better. Most of the pain in her limbs had left her body again. To her frustration the condition of her hand hadn't improved at all. Washing her hair with just on hand was again a challenging task, but somehow she succeeded.

Compared to getting dressed it was actually easy! Ever tried to close the button of your jeans with just on hand? After a few failed attempts and loud courses, Sara was dressed. Re-dressing her hand wasn't really difficult. After all she was a fast learner and last night she also managed to do it.

A flashback of Catherine carefully bandaging her hand, while looking all worried about her shot through Sara's mind…She shook her head to get rid off the thought.

With a long sigh she left the bathroom to put some shoes on. When the brunette inspected the boots she had worn yesterday she hardly recognized them, because of all the mud they were covered in. Deciding that she really didn't want to walk around like that, she headed for her suitcase.

After all she had been smart enough to bring another pair of shoes. While rummaging through her luggage she came across her cell phone which she had had wanted to recharge after the first night.

More out of habit then for any other reason she searched for her charger and plugged it in the next socket. Satisfied when the blinking sign on the display appeared, she turned back to her suitcase and put a pair of sneakers on.

It was time to find Catherine.

_

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_

_A/N: I know, it's rather short again, but it feeled like the right place to end here. And next time there will be the promised chapter about Cath and Sara._


	55. Chapter 55

_A/N: I won't even start to apologize. I know it's been a while - again. But it looks like I'll have more time to write in the future. My thesis is finished and I started my new job. Next chapter is almost finished, so it definitely won't be long until I post again.  
But first of all I need to thank all those of you who are still sticking with this story despite the lack of update! You guys are really great and I try to make it up to you._

_Forget Me Not Blue: Unpredictable, eh? Well, I can promise you this isn't going to change :-). There's going to be an emotional roller coaster over the next chapters. Hope you'll like it.  
GoldenLocks: In that case there'll be a lot more updates in the future ;-). I know the last chapter was short, but this one and the next are definitely longer.  
OktoberLibra: Well, thank you. I'm flattered ). IF things will work out between them then they will end up as friends. In the beginning I had a happy ending planned, but I'm not sure if I'll stick to it. At least there's no romantic relationship.  
Lyanna Stark: Sorry I had you worried again. I'm certainly going to finish this fic. I too hate unfinished ones. Have faith in me :-). BTW: I'm really happy that after all those chapters you still like my story!  
FloatingInMoon: Yeah, politics suck sometimes. You'll have to believe in Alex and her hidden skills. If she's still as determined as last night will be revealed next chapter. Cath and Sara definitely won't make it easy!_

_Now enjoy the chapter!_

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**Chapter 55**

Sara was slowly starting to panic. Where the hell was Catherine?

Her first logical choice was the restaurant and she was almost convinced that she would find her co-worker there. At least then there would be good explanation for Catherine's absence. Like that Sara could always tell herself that the blonde was just hungry. But after scanning the room for the tenth time and not spotting her anywhere, the brunette decided sadly that Catherine was probably just avoiding her.

Sara knew that they needed to talk. Every other day it would have probably been her hiding somewhere to avoid a tough conversation, but not today. Today there was a lot at stake.

She sighed and took a look around the lobby of the mansion. A few people were scattered around the place. The most traffic was between the restaurant, the reception desk and the stairs. A few people were sitting in the comfortable leather chairs in one of the corners and chatting happily. The longer Sara observed them, the more depressed she felt.

They looked like they felt at ease with each other. They seemed comfortable in each other's presence. They could talk together, laugh together. They were the total opposites of Catherine and herself, considering that it looked like her co-worker couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her.

Maybe she shouldn't look for Catherine. Maybe it was better to give her time and space until she was ready to talk. At least that was what she would need if the roles were reserved. The only problem with this idea was that they didn't have time. Like last night and the days before, Sara held the opinion that returning to Las Vegas wouldn't make sense for her if the things between Catherine and herself didn't work out. That meant that if she wanted to do something she had to do it now. Today was not time for hiding.

That left just one problem: Where was Catherine?

Unsure where to go next Sara slowly walked over to the main entrance. Maybe the blonde went outside. She carefully opened the door and was immediately met by a strong cold wind. It looked like the forecast was right after all. The weather was getting worse with every hour. Compared to last night the rain had increased and the winds picked up.

Sara wrapped her arms around her already shivering body to protect herself from the unfriendly wind. She looked around. Everything was wet and muddy, but more importantly it was abandoned. There was no one in sight. After another strong wind drove a shiver down her spine Sara decided that it was unlikely that Catherine would be somewhere out here. Quickly she returned back inside.

In the lobby she looked around again. Where could Catherine be? They'd been here now for almost a week, but she hardly knew this place. All she knew was the restaurant, the park, her own room, and Alex's and Albert's ones. The brunette had already checked the restaurant and with the weather the park wasn't really an option. Catherine wasn't in their room and somehow Sara doubted that she would be with Alex right now. Unfortunately she had no idea what else this place had to offer – and neither should have Catherine.

Again a disturbing thought shot through her mind. What if she really already left? Sure, her luggage was still here, but maybe Catherine felt like she needed to get out of here as soon as possible and already arranged that they send her stuff after her. For all she knew the blonde could have left in the middle of the night. After the hike and the physical and mental exertion she had slept like dead and there was probably not much that could have woken her.

So, that's it? Catherine was already gone? She felt like the air suddenly left her lungs. This couldn't happen. Slowly, on unsteady feet, she walked over to one of the leather chairs and sat down. She wanted to cry. She wanted to shout, but somehow she didn't find the strength to do so. Instead she just said there, trying to wrap her mind around everything that happened.

She must have looked lost, because soon a voice brought her out of her musings.

"Hello, Sara! You look like you need help. Maybe I can help?" It was Jennifer. Why did this girl always sounded so awfully happy? Sara closed her eyes for a moment. What was she supposed to do now?

If she asked Jennifer if she had seen Catherine then there was a small chance that the girl would tell her that the blonde was somewhere within this building. But there was also a big chance that she would confirm that Catherine already left and she really didn't know if she could deal with that. The brunette sighed. She needed an answer if she wanted to hear it or not.

Sara cleared her throat, hoping she wouldn't sound as upset as she was feeling. "Hey, Jennifer. Have you …" Her voice gave out again. She gave herself a mental slap and tried again. "Have you by any chance seen Catherine?"

There! Now it was out. Sara held her breath. It seemed like an eternity until Jennifer finally answered.

"Sure. I think I saw her around the common rooms."

Sara head shot up at that answer and air filled her lungs again. Did that mean that Catherine was still here? "When was that?"

The funny look Jennifer gave her indicated that she had probably sounded as desperate as she felt. Before she had a chance to strangle the girl for not answering faster and just looking at her, Jennifer looked at her watch and then back to Sara. "I guess about thirty minutes ago."

Thirty minutes? That meant that Catherine was still here. She definitely didn't leave. That meant that there was a chance after all. Without thinking the brunette jumped up and headed for the stairs. Half way through the lobby she stopped and turned around again. She had no idea where those common rooms where. And maybe a little 'thank you' would be polite, too.

She walked back to Jennifer. "Ehh … where did you say were those common rooms?" The girl looked at her funny, a mixture between confusion and amusement. Sara couldn't blame her. All the time the two of them crossed paths she behaved really strange. The CSI should probably be glad that Jennifer was still so nice towards her.

"They are on the first floor. Just up the stairs and then left." Before Jennifer really finished her explanation Sara was already gone again. The girl shook her head. She really didn't know what was wrong with that woman. It seemed like 'T' was right: people from Las Vegas were strange. She shrugged and returned to her work.

xxxxxx

When Sara finally reached the first floor her heart was beating fast – probably faster than healthy. Now that she was most likely just a few feet away from Catherine she started to panic again. But this time it was not because she was afraid that her co-worker had already left. It was because despite the fact that she wanted that conversation she had no idea what to say.

She leaned against the wall, closing her eyes for a moment. Sara was never good at dealing with emotions and considering that right now probably a hundred different emotions were running through her mind she had absolutely no idea how to deal with them.

The brunette took a deep breath and opened her eyes again. Catherine would know what to do, right? Her co-worker always knew what to do or what to say, but considering that the blonde was the one who was hiding in the first place it was unlikely that she would start such a conversation.

Sara sighed. To hell with it. To hell with all that thinking. She would just do it. She would find Catherine and after that…well, after that she would improvise. Determined she turned to her left and went in search for the common rooms.

Two doors later she was standing in front of the first one. A paper with the words 'Common Room' in capital letters written on it was taped to the door. According to the noise level behind the door there was a lot of activity going on. Sara just hoped that Catherine was really in there.

Carefully she opened the door and peeked inside. The room was nicely decorated and full of people. There were a few tables with chairs around them and a few comfortable looking couches in the back. They were all occupied. People were talking and playing board games. If Sara didn't know any better she would have thought this was some kind of school trip. Somehow she didn't see the trust building in it. But considering that she and her 'partner' weren't even able to do something simple as talking she probably shouldn't make any suggestions on how to build trust.

After checking every table, Sara was sure that Catherine wasn't here. She left the room again and closed the door behind her. Where was Catherine? Jennifer said that she would be up here. The brunette looked to her right and to her left, thinking about what to do next.

Suddenly a door to her left was opened and a man stepped out of it. According to the noise which came out of the room there were a lot of people in there. Didn't Jennifer say something about common 'rooms'? There had to be more than one. Catherine was probably just in one of the other rooms. Determined to find her co-worker Sara turned back and went to inspect the other common rooms.

xxxxx

After four other rooms filled with people but definitely not with a certain blonde CSI, Sara was close to tears again. Catherine was obviously damn good at hiding. She really didn't want to know how much the older woman hated her right now to do that to her.

Why did her life always have to be such a mess? Why was everything she touched doomed to fail? Sara leaned her forehead against the wall in front of her. This wasn't fair. What had she done to deserve all this? Slowly a few tears made their way down her cheeks. It wasn't fair.

For a few minutes she just stood there, letting the tears fall. Luckily no one entered or left the rooms in that time to witness her little break down. Finally Sara managed to compose herself again. Her mood changed from sad to angry within a second.

"Fuck!!!" Angrily she hit the wall with her foot. What the hell was wrong with her?!? Sara Sidle didn't cry. Sara Sidle was capable of controlling her emotions – at least most of the time. This damn seminar really messed with her mind.

One minute she's determined to solve her problems, ready to fight for what she wanted like she always did. The next minute she is crying, just because Catherine didn't want to talk to her right now. She had already told herself today: Her life didn't depend on Catherine. She was Sara Sidle. She didn't need anyone.

The only thing that depended on her co-worker was her life back in Vegas. But maybe it wasn't that bad to start over new. Maybe a different job would be a good idea. She could work at any lab or she could start teaching. There were enough possibilities for scientist that didn't involve death and violence.

She had tried to fight for her life. She had really put everything into it, but this was something she couldn't do alone. With Catherine's help it could have worked out, but it was obvious that the blonde wasn't ready to help her like Sara needed it. Nothing had really changed since she had moved to Vegas.

She and Catherine still had the talent to get under each other's skin. Each one of them had a few characteristics the other one wasn't happy about. After the last days the two women knew what the other one truly thought of them. This was a good thing – at least it should have been.

Thinking about what happened yesterday, Sara came to the conclusion that their last argument wasn't really about what she had said to Catherine about the lab. This was just another pointless argument between them. The problem was that the blonde refused to accept that she was using her sexuality every now and then. Sara had an opinion about Catherine that the older woman couldn't live with.

Looking at it from this point of view, there wasn't really anything Sara could do. Of course, the brunette could lie to Catherine, telling her that she didn't think so anymore. But that would be a lie and her little 'Grissom lie' was already bad enough. No, it wouldn't work like that. If Catherine couldn't accept that fact then there would simply be no future for them and no future for her in Las Vegas.

It wasn't easy for her, but she knew that she could accept what Catherine thought about her. For example the thing with Eddie's death. She could learn to live with it. But if the blonde wasn't ready to do the same, then it just wouldn't work. She was definitely not going to beg!

If Catherine didn't want that friendship – fine! That was exactly what she was going to tell her, when she would finally found her co-worker. It was up to the blonde. Sara had tried everything she could. She had opened up, she could live with what Catherine thought about her, she had tried everything in her power to show her that she trusted her. If all that wasn't enough then she couldn't help it.

A loud thunder and a flash of lightening Sara could see through the window at the end of the hall stopped her train of thoughts. The rain seemed to be even heavier than when she was outside a little while ago. Fascinated by the play of nature she slowly wandered over to the big window.

'So wonderful and yet so deadly' was all Sara could think, while looking out of the window. Despite being a CSI and being trained to observe everything it took her a good minute to realise that the hall made a turn at this end. Right around the corner in front of another big window was a little table with three chairs.

Two of the chairs were empty, but to Sara's surprise one of them was occupied by no one less then Catherine Willows.

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_A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to tell me what you think!_


	56. Chapter 56

_A/N: You guys rock! Thank you so much for all the reviews I received for the last chapter. They kept me going, even if this new chapter was hard to write. Right now I'm on my lunch break at work, so I fear I don't have the time to respond to each review. There were just too many and I have not enough time. I'm also pretty sure that you'd rather read the new chapter than my strange comments :-). That's why I decided to just post the chapter instead of waiting until I'm home. _

_Here we go. Enjoy!_

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**Chapter 56**

Suddenly everything was gone. All her anger, all the things she wanted to tell Catherine. Sara's mind was blank. She didn't move nor did she announce her presence. She just stood there, staring at her co-worker who was staring out of the window and into the rain.

Just a few minutes ago she had this conversation played out perfectly in her mind. Her point of view, what she could offer, what she couldn't offer. Simply everything! But seeing Catherine sitting there, looking as hurt and vulnerable as yesterday, the words Sara wanted to say were all gone.

Right now she didn't even how to announce her presence. Should she just sit down wordlessly and wait for Catherine to start the conversation? Should she say a neutral 'Good morning' and wait for the blonde to offer her a seat? Should she just turn around, get the hell away from here and come back when she had managed to write down all the things she wanted to say?

The decision was taken from her.

"Are you going to stand there all day and just stare at me or are you going to sit down?"

Sara inevitably cringed at the words. Catherine didn't sound angry. She sounded detached. Something that was a lot worse. She could deal with an angry Catherine. She'd done it before. She knew what to expect. But right now she had no idea what mood the blonde was in.

The older CSI was still looking out the window. She didn't need to turn around to know that the newcomer was Sara. Actually she didn't even want to turn around. She wasn't really happy about Sara being here right now. She had hoped she would have some more time to herself before being forced to face the younger woman. But of course she didn't have such luck.

To hide from Sara seemed to be completely childish. For that observation she didn't even consider the fact that hiding from a trained CSI was pointless anyway. The act in itself was something more suitable for a teenager than a grown woman. To justify her behaviour, Catherine came to the conclusion that she wasn't hiding from Sara. She just happened to come across this place and found it nice.

After another minute in which Sara didn't move at all passed, Catherine finally sighed and turned around to look at the younger woman. The brunette was standing stock still and just looking at her. A lot of different emotions washed over Sara's face. She was obviously unsure what to do. She too looked like she would rather be somewhere else right now. That was kind of strange, considering that she came looking for her in the first place. But Catherine figured that this was just Sara.

When Sara still didn't move Catherine took the time to take in the woman before her. Her hair was wet, probably from taking a shower. Her clothes looked a little bit wrinkled and her blouse was buttoned up wrong. The bandage around her right hand also looked kind of strange today. Catherine figured that just having one hand to work with could do that to you. Part of her felt suddenly a bit guilty for leaving Sara alone in the first place.

When the blonde had finished her inspection of Sara, her eyes travelled up the younger woman's body again until they met her face. Catherine made eye contact, trying hard not to show too much emotion in order to not scare Sara away. Even if she didn't want to admit it, she knew that they needed to talk.

What Sara didn't know was that Catherine had heard the confession she had made to Alex the night before. The one about leaving Las Vegas. Even if this friendship thing didn't work out, the blonde still didn't want Sara to leave. She was a great CSI and the Las Vegas crime lab couldn't be gladder to have her. Sara staying in Vegas meant also that the two of them would have a lot more time to work on their friendship. Right now they were under a lot of time pressure and that wasn't a good condition.

When Sara finally focused on her, Catherine held her gaze. They looked at each other silently for a few more seconds, before the brunette gave in and took a seat opposite Catherine.

Again they fell into an uncomfortable silence. Sara was really at a loss of words. Suddenly something Alex had said two days ago popped into her head. 'Sometimes it's easier to write things down instead of talking about them'. That was what the psychologist had said about the questionnaire she had to fill out. And it totally applied for this situation, too!

To Sara's relief Catherine finally started talking. "Did you sleep well?"

The brunette blinked, not really expecting that question. Well, some small talk would probably be a better way to start this conversation than directly getting to the point. Sara finally shrugged before answering. "I don't think I ever slept that deep and long before. Yesterday really wore me out." Not just physically. "Unfortunately waking up wasn't that pleasant. Muscles I never knew I had were suddenly hurting like hell, but after I took a nice hot shower I felt better." With that Sara finished her little explanation. She didn't know why she felt the urge to answer this detailed. A simple 'Good. You?' would have served the purpose as well, but the words seemed to pour out of her. The interesting question would be how long they were going to pour out.

Catherine nodded slowly, surprised by Sara's detailed answer. If she was reading the brunette's face right, she too hadn't expected that answer. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Again silence.

Sara fought the urge to roll her eyes. This was just ridiculous. They were both adults and they both knew that not talking about the problem wouldn't make it go away. Catherine obviously had different plans.

"The weather is getting worse."

The weather?! Sara didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry. This was more than ridiculous - especially for Catherine, who was normally straight to the point. The brunette sighed. If her co-worker wasn't going to address the important stuff then she would. "Catherine, stop beating around the bush. It's not going to solve our little problem."

Realizing the truth behind Sara's words, Catherine dropped her head in her hands. Was there a solution at all? The optimist in her screamed 'yes', but the realist had a rather bad feeling and would prefer to not talk about yesterday. Considering that Sara was here now and ready to talk she should follow the younger woman's example. The blonde took a deep breath and looked up to meet Sara's eyes again. "You are right. This isn't helping. We should get this sorted out. Let's talk about yesterday."

Sara's answer was immediate and direct. "No."

Catherine looked at the brunette in disbelief. "What do you mean 'no'?" Did she miss something?

"I don't want to talk about yesterday - at least not directly." Sara clarified. "I would rather clear some general things first." When Catherine nodded, the younger woman took that as her cue to continue. "First of all I think we need to make sure, that we both want the same thing, because if we aren't pulling in the same direction we'll get nowhere."

If Sara approached a topic directly she really wasted no time. Actually Catherine had hoped to postpone this very question. It was the one that had been constantly swirling around in her mind since the argument yesterday. The answer she came up with so far wasn't really an optimistic one, but Sara deserved the truth.

"This isn't an easy question, Sara. I have to admit I was asking this myself over and over again and until now I don't really like the answer I came up with."

Sara cringed at Catherine's words. This didn't sound good. It really looked like right now she wasn't the only one who had low expectations in their future. Unfortunately there was a difference between expecting something bad to happen and the actual event. The latter was hurting a lot more. Sara unconsciously gripped the arm rest of her chair, trying to prepare herself for the blonde's next words.

"I know why I came here in the first place. I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to show you that you are not alone, because lately you've been very distant to everyone. I wanted to be your friend."

So far everything sounded fine to Sara's ears, but there was definitely a 'but' coming. She gripped the chair tighter.

"But after everything that happened I really don't know if we can archive that in the degree I originally had in mind."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does the degree you had originally planned looks like?"

Catherine sighed. Why did this have to be so difficult? She knew that Sara was definitely not going to like what was coming next. It would most likely hurt her, but the blonde knew it needed to be said anyway. "Do me the favour and let me get this out without interruption, okay?"

When the younger CSI just nodded, Catherine started to explain. "I think these last days we settled that a friendship needs two people to make it work. Everyone has to contribute to make it work." The blonde paused, looking for the right words. "As I said before, I wanted to help you, but I also wanted something for myself. I too am missing a shoulder to lean on. I too am feeling lonely and I too am looking for someone I can share my problems with. Since Warrick got married I don't have someone like that anymore."

Sara was confused. She had absolutely no idea where Catherine was going with this.

"What I want to say is that I need to be in a close friendship with someone who is also ready to give instead of just taking." The older CSI ran a hand through her hair and looked a little helpless at her companion. "Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Sara wasn't sure if she did. She couldn't image that Catherine was trying to say what she thought she was trying to say. The blonde took Sara's silence as a 'no' and tried to explain further.

"I do realize that you have a lot going on in your life; that you had to go through a lot. But since we have left Vegas it was me taking care of you. Not once did you ask about my feelings."

Sara blinked. Was this really happening? Was Catherine really saying this? Slowly the anger from before started to boil inside of her again.

"I held you in your sleep, I protected you from Albert, I gave you all the space you needed and what I got in return were harsh words the second things weren't going so smooth anymore. I'm …" But Catherine didn't get any further.

That was enough. Sara was mad. No – she was furious. How did she dare speak to her like that? She jumped up from chair, knocking it over in the process. "I don't believe you. So this is entirely my fault now?!" The brunette didn't even try to keep her voice down.

All Catherine could do was stare at her co-worker. She hadn't expected such an outburst.

"Excuse me for having such a messed up life! Believe me, it's not like I wanted it that way." Sara was pacing by now, the pain in her legs completely forgotten. "If you came here hoping to find yourself a girlfriend you can drag along shopping, dancing or to a beauty farm when you feel like it, then … well, news flash: I'm not fitting that profile! You're looking for an easy friendship without risks and trouble? Someone who's looking out for you without own problems? Sorry I have to tell you that, but I'm not that someone!" The brunette was really mad. She stopped her pacing and turned to Catherine with an icy glare before delivering her last verbal punch. "But you know what? As the great investigator you are, you should have figured that out long before. Hell, you had seven years to analyse 'the evidence'." Sara's voice dripped with sarcasm. Any rational thought was gone.

Catherine was speechless. She didn't mean it like that! Who did Sara think she was to talk to her like that, to accuse her of something like that?! She too stood up. She definitely didn't needed Sara towering over her sitting form. "For your information: If you haven't noticed, I didn't say any of the things you just accused me of! But this situation is the perfect example for what I was talking about. The second things don't go like you want them to go, you explode at me without real reason!"

Sara's words were hurting her. That wasn't exactly a big surprise, considering that most of her fights with the brunette left a more than bitter taste behind. But she didn't see this one coming. She had actually expected Sara to be disappointed and willing to do everything in her power to make things right. The sudden anger was nothing she saw coming – especially not with the venom in Sara's voice. The brunette obviously wasn't done yet.

"Without real reason? May I ask in what world you live? Let me inform you about the fact that you aren't the centre of the universe and that there are other people who have needs, too." If Sara was going down she wasn't doing it without a fight.

That was it. Catherine's patience was gone. If Sara wanted a fight then she could have one – a good one. "Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?! I always put everyone else before myself! My daughter comes first, then work and my friends. I stopped long ago to trying to satisfy my personal needs. It doesn't fit in my schedule."

"Well, Catherine, that's good to know. It looks like I'm neither in the category 'work' nor the 'friends' category. But I can kind of understand that classy beautiful Catherine doesn't want to be seen with or even bothered by messed up ugly Sara. It's just not your style!"

Again Catherine was at a loss of words. She had no idea that Sara was that good at turning around the meaning of a sentence. But if dear Miss Sidle wanted a real dirty catfight she was definitely not one to turn one down.

Before the older CSI managed to formulate suitable response, a sharp voice cut through the air. "That's enough!" The voice was loud and angry and got Sara's and Catherine's attention immediately. They both turned to see Alex standing at the corner. The psychologist looked anything but happy.

"I don't believe you!"

When Catherine started to interrupt her, Alex held effectively a hand up to stop the blonde from talking. "Now I'm talking. You already said enough." Ignoring the glare she received from the older woman for that statement, she spoke up again.

"When I told you last night, that we would meet later today, I wanted you to rest. Imagine my surprise when I come to your room and find it's empty. At first I just thought you went to have breakfast. That thought made me smile, because it would indicate that you are willing to spend time together. So I'm heading for the restaurant. But I never made it there, because while walking down the stairs I suddenly hear loud voices, loud angry voices that sounded so familiar. When I was close enough to understand what was being said, my mood didn't exactly improve."

Sara and Catherine looked down, avoiding Alex angry eyes.

"Since the first time I met the two of you, you intrigued me. There was something between you. Despite all the obvious difference you seemed to hold the potential for a real friendship. Actually I still hold that opinion. Yesterday was a bad day for all of us. I already told you that I screwed up, but you two weren't exactly helping either! When I went to bed last night, after a long discussion with Waters, I had a master plan about how to get you two to realize that you are good for each other. I had everything worked out. How to approach the difficult topics, how to guide you in the right direction. But instead of waiting for me, like we planned last night, you just go ahead and scream at each other like there's no tomorrow. What the hell were you thinking!!!"

No answer.

"I thought so. The problem is you weren't thinking at all. Like always you just acted. But from now on we do things my way. Because on the contrary to you, I haven't given up on you. And now we'll go to a more private place and talk things through."

The two investigators looked at each other. Neither woman was one to take such order from anyone, but something in Alex' voice told them better not to object. Wordlessly they followed the psychologist.

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_A/N: Well, you didn't believe that they would just talk about it and everything would be fine, did you? Give me some credit :-)!  
Now be nice and send me some inspiring reviews ), 'cause I'm really struggling with the next chapters right now.  
- Stormy -_


	57. Chapter 57

_A/N: Hey guys! I'm back - and I brought a new chapter with me :-). Thanks for all the lovley reviews. I really found some interesting ideas for the rest of the story._

_El Gringo Loco: Interesting aspect. I wasn't thinking about this before, but I'll keep it in mind. Thanks.  
Lyanna Stark: I like your idea, but I need that storm for something else ;-). Well, maybe it fits in anyway ... (going away and thinking hard)...  
jessie: I'm not sure yet if Sara will find the courage to tell Cath, but I'll certainly take it into consideration..._

And again a big Thank you to all the others I haven't mentioned here. It always makes me smile, seeing that my work is appreciated.

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**Chapter 57**

Alex, Sara and Catherine were now in a room of the mansion, decorated similarly to the one Albert had used as an 'office'. Again there was an old wooden desk in the middle with one chair behind and two chairs in front of it.

As she had entered the room, Sara had to fight the urge to turn around and run away. She had a sense déjà vu. The room looked way too much like Albert's and it seemed that Alex was now in a mood similar to the one Albert always had: angry and kind of unpredictable. The brunette must have looked as scared as she felt, because after closing the door Alex looked at her, her features suddenly a lot softer and warmer. "Sara, calm down. I'm not Albert. This is probably not going to be a very pleasant conversation, but it will be nothing compared to what that bastard put you through. You can always walk out of this door."

Sara took a deep breath and nodded.

Alex then walked behind the desk, took her chair and placed it beside the other two chairs. The then proceeded with arranging the three chairs in a little circle. When she was done and satisfied with her work she sat down on one of them. She then realized that the two CSIs weren't joining her, but instead still standing near the door, looking a mix between lost and uncomfortable.

The psychologist observed the investigators closely. It seemed that her little outburst in the hall had really shocked them. She guessed they were also already regretting what they had just said to each other. There was definitely a lot of work ahead of them. "Why don't you take a seat?"

Reluctantly Sara and Catherine made their way over to the chairs and sat down.

Alex crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap before starting to speak. "I apologize for my little outburst, but as you may have noticed your little talk got a bit out of hand and you needed something to bring you back down."

Neither CSI said anything.

"Before we start this I want to ask you a question. It's a simple one and I want you to answer with either 'yes' or 'no'. No explanations, no 'buts', no nothing, just a simple 'yes' or 'no'. Got that?"

Sara and Catherine glanced at each other then turned back to Alex. Both nodded slowly.

Alex chose her next words carefully. "Do you have – even if it's just a tiny little part of you – any hope left? Hope, that we can use the time till your departure tomorrow to work something out for you. To leave behind most of the hate and anger and create a solid basis for a friendship?"

The psychologist watched the two women closely. She knew damn well that this wasn't an easy question, but it was an important one. If one of them said 'no' then this conversation wouldn't make any sense. In that case she could send Catherine home right away and try her best to convince Sara that her life was still worth living. Alex silently prayed that it wouldn't come that far.

The two CSIs were thinking hard. They both knew that Alex question was similar to the one Sara had asked Catherine, the one which caused their latest argument. But the way the psychologist formulated it made it less dangerous.

Sara closed her eyes and started to massage her temples with her left hand. It seemed like the tension from her limbs had finally reached her head. She was starting to get a headache. The fight she had just had with Catherine probably also contributed to it. If Alex would have asked that very question before she found her co-worker today, her answer would have been 'yes' without hesitation. Right now she wasn't so sure anymore.

Hadn't Catherine just made it clear to her that she didn't want a friendship with her? Just thinking about the words she and the blonde had exchanged made her shiver. They had lots of fights but to her it seemed like none were this…low.

Now that Sara had calmed down again and gone over their argument in her head, she had to admit that Catherine had a point. They were probably really not meant to be friends. But then…when in her life had she assessed a situation concerning people and human behavior in general ever correctly?

If she listened to the tiny voices that were still present in her head, then at least one of them still wanted some sort of friendship with Catherine. Beside those friendship-voices there were also the stay-in-Vegas-voices which demanded that this situation was at least resolved. Taking all that into account Sara came to the conclusion that there was only one honest answer she could give Alex. "Yes."

Several minutes of silence had already passed. Alex' didn't see that as a bad sign. It meant that Catherine and Sara were really thinking about their answer and this indicated that they would come up with what they were really feeling. When Sara was the first one to speak up, the psychologist was more than happy to hear a determined 'yes' coming out of the brunette's mouth. She sent her a small encouraging smile and turned to Catherine. After hearing the end of their argument in the hall she was more concerned about the older woman's answer – and the blonde took her time.

Catherine wasn't really sure if she should feel surprised by Sara's answer or not. After the things they'd just said to each other she would have expected the brunette to want nothing to do with her anymore. But like so often these last days, her co-worker did something unexpected.

Sara was probably already regretting their latest fight – and to be honest: so was Catherine. But despite this fact, the brunette's words hurt. A tiny part of her still wanted this friendship. That was out of question. Sure, Alex said that this was everything that was needed to answer with 'yes', but Catherine didn't exactly share this opinion.

She didn't want to have such fights all the time. She wanted a friend she could talk to and – if necessary – have a civilized argument with. Did Sara fit that profile? She glanced sideways to her fellow CSI, but the brunette wasn't looking at her. She was looking down at her lap, waiting for her answer tensely. Catherine then turned to Alex. The psychologist made no sign of rushing her to an answer. Instead she got a little encouraging smile. It looked like this answer was one the blonde had to find herself.

Maybe she should treat this situation like a case and consider the evidence. She was looking for a friend. She knew Sara for over seven years and trusted her. Most of the time they got along and she admired her. Sara had a troubled life and needed some support. They had ugly arguments every now and then. They went through a lot together since they'd arrived at this seminar.

Where did that leave her? Probably with the fact that they had more good than bad times and that they'd gone through too much to give up just like that. Alex was right. They had time until tomorrow and they should use it. If things got out of hand again, she could leave anytime. "Yes."

Sara sighed relieved.

Alex released the breath she didn't know she was holding. The first step in the right direction was made and she couldn't help the smile that was finding its way to her lips. "Great! Now that this is settled, let's get started." The psychologist shifted in her chair, trying to find a more comfortable position before starting to talk.

"First of all, I want to tell you how I see the current situation and what I think is possible to archive during your remaining time here. Do me the favor and just listen to what I have to say. Afterwards each one of you will get the chance to talk about her point. Is this okay with you?"

The two CSIs glanced at each other, both forcing a small smile to their lips. They turned back to Alex and nodded in agreement.

"A lot happened those last days. A lot of stuff neither one of you had planned. You both came here with the same goal originally. You wanted to build a strong friendship. From what I learned I would say that you, Sara, had to struggle with your life lately. This isn't really a surprise. You've been through a lot in your life and unfortunately you are not one to share your problems. Some sort of break down was inevitable. I see that happen a lot in my line of work. And you can believe me when I tell you that a lot of those people never make it."

Sara tried to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. Didn't Alex want to do something helpful? Confirming how shitty her life was and that she didn't have a choice at all wasn't helping at all.

"But you are different."

Sara looked up, looking confused at Alex.

"I'm not sure what triggered you to finally realize that you would need some help to deal with your life. But there was certainly something. Maybe you did something as simple as sitting down and thinking about your life. Whatever it was, you knew you needed a friend and you turned to Catherine. You did that besides the fact that you had a few nasty fights in your past. You did it because you respected her and trusted her. You did trust her with your life every night, so why not your private life, your past, too? But I guess like so often in your life, you felt insecure and had no idea how to approach Catherine. Not sure if you two had a chance or if she hated you. But then you get lucky. You were forced to participate in this seminar – together with Catherine."

Sara tried hard not to laugh out loud. Was she really lucky to be here? Right now she didn't think so.

"You, Catherine, are a mother. You are looking out not just for your daughter but also for your co-workers and friends at work. They are all family to you. When someone of the team needs something, a shoulder to lean on, a good advice, then you are there for them. And Sara is part of that family, too. I'm sure you were always curious about what made her the shy reversed person she is. I honestly think that you never really had anything against her. In the beginning it was a territorial fight. Later you used each other every now and then to blow off steam. You both needed that every now and then. It was probably not the smartest way but it fulfilled its purpose. I think somewhere along the road you realize something. That Sara had a certain power over you. She could get under your skin like no one else could. It showed that you had a connection. You've been hurt often in your life. By family, by lovers, by friends. My guess is that one day you made the decision that it was safer to keep Sara at a distance instead of risking getting hurt once you let her close enough. And Sara, not really gifted when it comes to human interaction, just accepted it."

Catherine suddenly found her feet very interesting. Alex was right.

"So, all the time when you, Catherine, needed get rid of your collected frustration you took it out on Sara, knowing that she would fight back with equal fire. But then something changed. Sara changed. She became distant. She slowly closed herself off from the world, shutting absolutely everyone out. She did it so tactically that no one else really noticed. But you did. Because you cared about her and her behavior worried you. Actually I'm sure that sooner or later – even without this seminar – you would have approached her. But instead of having to figure out a way to get Sara to open up to you, you got lucky. You boss sent you here."

Both CSIs were amazed by Alex' story. No, story was the wrong word. It was a perfect summary of everything that had happened before.

"You want to correct me in some points?"

Sara and Catherine shook their heads. Alex smiled at them and continued.

"When you came here you had a plan. You are two highly intelligent women. So of course you had a plan. You wanted a friendship. It sounded easy – yet it wasn't. Things didn't develop like anyone of you would have expected. Ecklie tried to mess things up and with Albert he found the perfect tool. He also made it impossible to get into trouble himself."

Without realizing it, the two investigators inevitably tensed by hearing Ecklie's name. It was entirely his fault.

"Within hours Catherine learned almost everything about Sara's life. Sure, Sara wanted to start a real friendship and that would mean sharing secrets, but she didn't have something like that in mind. Suddenly everything she had tried so hard to hide her whole life was out in the open. It made her vulnerable – and she doesn't like that feeling at all. Am I right Sara?"

Without waiting for an answer, Alex went on.

"You probably have met enough people in your life who judged you because of your past. They judged you and they hurt you. And you didn't want to get hurt again, so you switched on your defensive mode. Attack is the best defense, so you started to lash out.

The human mind is a complex and tricky thing. Sometime even for me it's hard to understand why people do what they do – and I studied psychology! You don't really know how to deal with your co-worker, do you Catherine?"

Again not waiting for an answer, Alex continued.

"You try to be nice. You try to help. But Sara's past showed her that people like that never really mean what they say. It's just pity. So she takes it the wrong way and snaps at you. You just want to help, but you want to get some gratitude for doing so and not just a painful remark. It pisses you off. No one treats you like that. You worked too hard to get were you are now. You made something out of your life and therefore you want to be treated with respect."

Catherine let the psychologists words sink in. Was it just like that?

"And if someone isn't nice to you, then why should you be nice to them? You snap back and the fight is on. It might start with a harmless argument, but sooner or later you stop thinking and you just act on what you instincts are telling you. Both of you are like that. You stop thinking and just lash out at the people around you. I know that you don't mean the things you say. You are just trying to stop your opponent from hurting you and especially from seeing your weakness."

Alex looked at the two women intensely. She hadn't practiced her speech in advance, but once she started talking everything else fell into place. She normally worked like this, driven only by her intuition. It felt good to have this general overview back. And above that it looked like she'd hit the mark. Catherine and Sara didn't seem to be very happy about her observations but they were obviously accepting it and thinking about it. She leaned back in her chair to give them some time.

A thousand thoughts were swirling around Sara's mind. Somehow everything Alex had just said sounded logical. At least her point of view was correctly told. Considering that Catherine didn't interrupt the psychologist, Sara figured that she too agreed with Alex. So where did this leave her? She was confused. All she knew right now was that she had one hell of a headache and her hand was also throbbing.

Catherine was like Sara, not really sure what to think of all of this. Alex was right. So much was clear. She just had trouble putting all this new information into an action plan for the future. To her it sounded not really rosy. Was there hope?

After a few minutes of silence, Alex spoke up again. "Do you have anything to add to my summary?" She was curious if either woman saw things different. Sara was the first to answer.

"From my point of view everything you said is true I guess. I never really saw everything in this context, but it sounds right. Yet one question remains: can we overcome our fears or habits - or whatever you want to call it – and start a friendship without them intervening?"

Catherine nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, your little story sounded right. Right now I just don't see how this could help us. To me it looks like theoretically we share the characteristics for a friendship but our pasts hurt so bad that neither I nor Sara is willing to commit in any close relationship."

Alex tried to hide her disappointment. She had actually expected a more positive answer. But she wouldn't be Alex Jordan if she gave up now. If those two wanted to make it difficult for her…fine! She would fight till the end. "How about this: I tell you now what I think you can archive and then we'll discuss it."

Catherine's only answer was a slight shrug. It looked like she really didn't have that much hope in finding a suitable solution. Sara looked at her critically, before finally nodding.

Alex put on her best optimistic face. This was going to be interesting.

* * *

_A/N: Well, what do you think? I still have trouble finding the right words for this very conversation. Up to now this is really the hardest part. But I promise I will come up with something. _

_CU, Stormy_


	58. Chapter 58

_A/N: I finally managed to finish this chapter. I don't know what's wrong with me - some sort of writer's block I guess. _

_Big thanks to all of you who are still reading after 57 chapters and 10 month :-) You are really great. Special thanks to those of you who also left a comment behind last time. I really really appreciate your reviews. They keep me going. _

_Halliwell-luver: Good question :-). I guess only time will tell.  
forkeh: Pouting is not going to help here. This story is just about friendship ;-)_

_Now enjoy the chapter!_

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**Chapter 58**

Alex eyed the two women sitting opposite her carefully. She didn't know if they would agree with her plan for the future or if they would stay as stubborn as they were right now. She prayed for the first.

Realizing that she had the full attention of Catherine and Sara the psychologist started to speak. "I don't believe in miracles. Which means you won't be leaving this room being the closest friends in the world. Stuff like that just doesn't happen - at least not in real life. If you want to be in a friendship you have to work hard for it. I'm pretty sure you know that already."

Catherine fought the urge to roll her eyes at Alex last comment. Working hard didn't even start to describe what was necessary to reach this point.

"These last days you had to fight hard for something you wanted from the beginning. I know that you both came here four days ago to start a friendship."

To Sara their stay seemed more like four months instead of four days. She would have never guessed that it was possible to mess everything up in such a short period of time. Alex was right. She came here because she wanted to strengthen her relationship with Catherine. Turning everything upside-down in just a few days seemed to be a new record – even for Sara.

"You went through a lot in these last days. Ups and downs. Right now it seems to me that you have lost a lot of confidence in a positive outcome of this seminar. Luckily for you - as I said before - I haven't given up."

Catherine had to bite back a sarcastic remark. Up to now Alex said exactly what the blonde had expected. The usual shrink stuff. The world is tough. You have to be tougher. I believe in you. Blah blah. Maybe there was really no point in listening to this.

"That's what a friendship is about: not giving up. Of course that's not always easy. I'm aware of that. But it is very important. Normally you have to fight for all the precious things in your life. A friendship shouldn't be different."

Catherine and Sara were anything but impressed by her words by now. So much was clear for Alex. Maybe this general stuff wasn't going to help here. If she wanted to reach the two investigators she had to dig deeper and go straight for the more vulnerable parts.

"You both have trouble trusting other people. You've both been hurt in the past. One more than the other, but nevertheless you've been burned bad. So to me it looks like at some point in your life you decided that your heart is something delicate - something you just can't give to anyone. Once you realize someone is getting the power to hurt you, you shut them out. And that's okay. Seriously, I mean you have to look out for yourself."

Sara frowned. Alex words sounded kind of…counterproductive. Wasn't she just telling them that it might be better to not have any kind of relationship with each other, considering that would inevitably bring a lot of pain along? This was what Sara hated about psychologists. They always played with your mind. A bit confused she concentrated on Alex again.

"But what life would we lead if we would do anything to avoid getting hurt. It would be a very very lonely one. Sometimes we have to risk everything. We have to risk living through a lot of pain, risk getting hurt. Only if you risk everything you have the chance to win the jackpot. Only if you are willing to risk your heart this friendship has a chance.

It takes a lot of courage to take such a step. I know that. To find such courage is something only you can do. I can guide you in the right direction. I can show you what is possible, what you can archive. But in the end it'll be your decision."

Here is what I think we can do while you are still here. We need to set a lot of things straight first. A lot of uncomfortable topics came up over the last days and I'm not sure you really worked them out yet. That's what we will do while you are here. That means talking. That means each one of you gives her point of view and then listens to the other one. Then we work something out together."

Catherine sighed. She wasn't really looking forward to go over all the nice topics they were arguing about these last few days again. It seemed like touching the stove again after you burned yourself the first time. She really couldn't see were Alex got her optimism from.

"Something that is really important in a friendship - and any relationship for that matter - is trust. I tell you nothing new here. Trust can only be created if you don't lie to each other, if you are honest. I don't want to accuse either one of you of lying. I just want to make sure you realize this. If we talk later you need to be honest with each other."

Sara forgot how to breathe for a second when Alex's words finally sank in. She definitely felt accused. The only thing that kept her calm was the fact that the psychologist obviously didn't suspect anything…yet. But one thing was for sure: she didn't agree with her.

There was no way in hell she would tell her about her short lived relationship with Grissom – at least not with Catherine right beside her. She had made the decision not to tell Catherine about it because she was pretty sure that telling her would make things worse. Besides she still held the opinion that everyone deserved to have at least a few secrets left. And almost everything else was taken from her these last days. The brunette prayed that she wouldn't make any mistakes to give away that she was truly lying to Catherine concerning this very topic.

Deep down she knew it was wrong, but she also knew that telling her about her best friend's affair with her would certainly cause permanent damage. Not just for her own relationship with Catherine, but also for Gil and Catherine's. And despite all the anger and hate she felt towards Grissom right now, she just couldn't do that to him. She owed him too much. Without him she would have never been in the position she was today. She would have never come to Vegas. She would have never had a chance to work in such a fantastic lab with such fantastic people. For that alone she had to be thankful.

Alex went on. "Every time you made some progress you made a big step backwards immediately afterwards. Probably because after you come to an agreement on something you think that everything is perfect and then you go too fast.

You have to take baby steps to make this work. I know that's difficult - especially for someone with limited patience like you've showed the last days. But I'm sure that if you want something, you can be very patient actually. That's what I guess you need for your job. So I'm sure you can also do it in your private life.

By tomorrow afternoon we should have worked out at least a solid basis for you two to go on. Unfortunately I can't help you after that. Then it's up to you."

Alex stopped for a moment, giving her words time to settle. She had to be careful with the next part. She had to make Catherine and Sara think without making them angry – it was a tightrope walk.

"Well, it's not just this relationship-thing you both have to fight with. Sara, I don't think I tell you something new when I say that you have some serious problems that need to be dealt with. You can't do that alone and you can't do that just with a friend. You need professional help. I'm not telling you that you are crazy or something. You just…lost the right track, I think. And if you don't want to get lost forever you need to do something about it."

Alex mind drifted off to the last conversation she had with Sara last night. Sara leaving Las Vegas wasn't really an option in her plan. If she just ignored it, maybe the brunette would also forget about it.

"Actually I have a friend back in Las Vegas. She is also a very good psychologist. I'll give you her number and I hope you'll contact her. If you want I can call her and tell her about your history, so you won't have to do all the talking from the beginning again. I think it's really important for you to do that."

Sara suddenly found a spot on the floor very interesting. Alex words were definitely not what she wanted to hear. Just because Alex seemed to be a decent psychologist didn't mean that the brunette now liked all the others of that kind, too. She certainly didn't.

She didn't need such treatment at all. If the last days were any indication then it seemed as if psychology wasn't really doing any good anyway. Sara was fine. … . Oh, who was she kidding? She was a self-destructive alcoholic. If someone needed help than it was probably her.

"Catherine, you too have a lot to take care off once you are home again. There is your daughter. I already told you that. You and your daughter aren't hopeless, but you have a lot of work to do to make this work between you again. I don't know if professional support will be necessary but it would certainly be an advantage for the two of you.

But for that you would need Lindsey's agreement. I think that will be hard - at least in the beginning. Maybe once she realizes the problem she will be more open to the topic. If you can convince her to talk to someone about her own feelings and your relationship, you should use the chance."

A thousand thoughts were running through Catherine's mind. In all her anger about Sara she had forgotten about her problems with Lindsey again. Okay, forgotten was definitely the wrong word, but she didn't have her main focus on it. Alex words brought everything back – and not exactly gently for that matter.

When she had first talked with the psychologist about the trouble home, Alex had sounded a lot friendlier and optimistic. Her words were softer then. Right now she gave just the brutal facts and suddenly it sounded to Catherine like it wouldn't be so easy to win her daughter back after all.

Some sort of family therapy maybe wasn't such a bad idea, but the blonde also knew that Alex was right with guessing that Lindsey would never go there voluntarily. Lindsey was…well, Lindsey was Lindsey. That meant she was her daughter and had inherited her own stubbornness.

Before she could think further in this direction, another thought came to her mind. Why was Alex talking like that now anyway? Where was the point in pointing to Catherine's own problems instead of putting all the focus on her and Sara? Wasn't it about them and weren't they looking for a way to solve this very problem? Her train of thought was interrupted when Alex went on.

"Neither one of you should deal with those problems alone. I'm sure you have other people you could turn to back home. People you can talk to. But you shouldn't forget that you also have each other. Actually it would be a logical choice if you think about it. Both of you knows the problems of the other one. You learned a lot about each other in the last few days and you could use that knowledge to help each other.

As good as this choice might be you have to be careful. Don't exaggerate it. Don't try to spend every damn minute with each other. If you do that, you'll probably kill each other. I suggest you go out every now and then. Not on a daily basis though. Maybe once or twice a week. Just have a drink together and just chat. Tell each other about the progress you made with your own personal problems."

Catherine and Sara glanced unsure at each other. They shared the same thought. Would that really be a good idea? Even if all this might work out somehow they still should be busy enough with dealing with each other. Dumping all other personal problems on the other one just didn't sound right – even if it was just once a week.

"And while doing that you can learn again how to be comfortable in each other's company. I can't promise you that you'll stop arguing. I'm pretty sure you won't. That's just in your nature. But I think you should try to work on yourself - each one of you has to.

Your arguments don't have to turn into a war each time. You both have the tendency to explode. The tendency to say things you don't really mean, because you don't really think about them. Maybe before you say something next time, take a deep breath, think about what your words might do to your opponent and then decide what you really want to say.

It will be hard in the beginning and you probably catch yourself a lot of times saying something you would rather not, but you have to work on it. I know you can do that."

Alex made one last pause before starting her final speech.

"I know I'm asking you for a lot. This all won't be easy. But I'm not going to lie to you here. If you aren't in this 100 it won't work. In my opinion we hit rock bottom yesterday and this morning. So I think whatever we can archive while you are still here will be better than the situation we have right now.

Please never forget why you came here in the first place. You both came to create some sort of friendship. And I know that deep down you both still want that. The question is: will you fight for it?"

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's it. I know it's a long Alex-monologue, but it seemed the best choice for that part of the conversation. Next chapter we'll learn about what Sara and Catherine will do. I hope I'll be updating faster than last time, but I can't promise._


	59. Chapter 59

_A/N: I'm back. I just had to face a lot of trouble those last months. I'm really sorry for not posting sooner. Unfortunately I can't even promise you that the next update will come quick ... :-( ... But I'll do my best. I want to send special thanks to all those of you who send me reviews and pms to encourage me to continue writing._

_In my opinion the chapter isn't perfect, but I figured it is better than nothing. _

_Enjoy  
Stormy _

* * *

�

**Chapter 59**

_Will you fight for it?_ Alex's last words echoed in Sara's mind. Would she fight for it? Would she fight for a friendship with Catherine? That question could probably be answered with a 'yes'. But was she able to fight for what Alex had in mind? Regular meetings with a shrink, dealing with really every detail of her past, and above all listening to Catherine's problems and supporting her. 

Would she really be able to do that without a nice cold beer every now and then to help calm her nerves? That would certainly be a tough task.

She glanced at her blonde companion. The older CSI was looking out the window, obviously thinking hard as well. It seemed like she wasn't the only one who had trouble saying a direct 'yes, I will!'

Sara sighed. Why was life always so complicated? Right now she really wished she was back in San Francisco. When she was still living there and had a problem to solve – private or professional – she would always go out to the beach at night, sit down near the peer, and watch the ocean. The sound of the breaking waves always set her mind at peace. 

Well, she could be certain about one thing. Here, in the middle of nowhere, there wouldn't be any ocean. So she had to make up her mind some other way. 

Sara closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep calming breath. The events of the last few days flashed through her mind. The flight, the nightmare, Albert, Alex, the hike. Thinking about everything again, she realized that she couldn't just give up here and now – not after everything she'd gone through. 

And she still had her back-up plan. If things weren't really working out she could always leave Vegas. Determination slowly began to rise inside of Sara. She could do this. She was willing to fight. And she would try to do everything that Alex wanted from her – at least 90 of everything, because she was still convinced that telling Catherine about her affair would certainly be the end.

She took another quick glance at Catherine, who was still thinking and then turned to Alex, who looked at her expectantly. "I wanna give it a try." That caught the attention of the older CSI too. "These last days weren't easy for me. But I think that we both went through a lot, lived through too much pain, to just throw everything away like that." 

The brunette turned to Catherine. "I want this to work. I want us to at least tolerate each other again. And therefore I want to fight." 

Surprised by her own optimistic words, Sara suddenly became very quiet and shy again. Alex had to smile at this. The first step in the right direction was done. But what about the other CSI? 

Catherine was, like Alex and Sara herself, surprised by the little emotional outburst from her younger co-worker. She was only used to this enthusiasm from work related problems. And considering what Alex had just suggested, she didn't really expect Sara to agree completely – without objections.

If Sara was ready to do this, why was Catherine hesitating? Was she offended by Alex's suggestion to solve her and Lindsey's problems with therapy? No, that wasn't the problem. Deep down she knew that the psychologist was right about that. That of course meant that she was still mad about Sara. 

But was it not selfish –childish– to think like that? She was an adult. And she knew that life wasn't easy. Alex was right when she said that they both came here to build a friendship. And Sara was right with her last statement, too. They'd been through too much to just give up here and now. 

Maybe they would be able to rebuild some of the damage that had been done to their relationship while they were here. 

Catherine carefully eyed her co-worker. All the anger and fire Sara had put into their fight in the hall a little while ago was gone. She actually looked … sorry and defeated. To be honest the blonde felt the same. Maybe now – at the lowest point of their relationship - they had finally reached a solid basis to start over again. 

She looked to Alex. To Catherine the psychologist seemed … tense. Understandable, considering that the answer the CSI was about give would decide about whether she had failed in her work or not. 

Catherine sent Alex a warm smile, before finally answering and breaking the heavy tension that had built up over the last minutes. "I'm game. I guess Sara is right. We went through too much to just end it here. And you were right too, Alex. We wanted to be better friends, not worse. Let's give it one last shot. I promise I'll do my best to keep my temper."

Xxxxxxxxx

Sara felt … relieved. At least, sort of relieved. It went well, at least that was her opinion. They hadn't shouted at each other. They hadn't insulted each other. They'd just talked. Well, actually they hadn't 'just' talked. They'd talked for three straight hours. That was certainly Sara's new record for a conversation. 

What surprised her the most, was that once they'd started talking it was neither awkward nor tensed. Even if she wasn't completely convinced about Alex qualities as a psychologist before, she certainly was now.

A loud crash of thunder ripped her away from her thoughts. She slowly turned to the window. Now it was as dark as at night outside, even if it was still afternoon. The storm has become stronger and stronger over the last hours. Sara was certain of one thing: Never in her life had she seen such a storm before. 

It was fascinating and scary all at once. The scientist in her was certainly fascinated by the powers of physics and nature. The rest of her on the other hand was scared of the destroying force that was bending trees like they were toys. Right now Sara was really glad that she was inside and not out there.

She turned away from the window and lay her head back down on the pillow. The brunette was lying on the bed in her and Catherine's room. After Alex had declared the session to be over she had felt like they made progress, but she was also exhausted. So she decided to come up here and lay down for a little while.

Catherine seemed tired too but she went for a coffee to push her energy level up again. Alex decided to join her. So here Sara was, lying on the bed, trying to relax her body and mind. 

Another loud crash made her shoot up again into a sitting position. Without warning her mind started working and her subconscious associated the noise of the storm with long forgotten memories.

A flash of lightning in the window – the sharp knife reflecting the light – the mad glint in her mother's eye right before the knife went down – the crash of thunder drowned the screams of her father – blood – lightning – thunder – rain against the windows

Sara was breathing heavily now. She had the sheets in a death grip, completely ignoring the pain in her hand. She didn't want to see those pictures. She didn't want to be thrown back now by her damn past after the great progress she made today. Would the flashbacks never stop! Would the pain never go away?

A single tear made its way slowly down her cheek. She wouldn't let her past destroy this again. She wouldn't let it interfere with her friendship with Catherine. Not again! Sara closed her eyes tightly, trying hard to make everything go away, but the horrific pictures combined with the sound of the storm refused to leave her. 

She opened her eyes again. Another flash of lighting lit up the room. Why did the room suddenly look like her old home in Tamales Bay? She needed to get out of here. Now! 

Sara jumped up from the bed and hurried out of the room. If the next crash of thunder would have been a bit earlier she would have probably realized that despite the wild storm outside her cell phone was ringing. But the thunder wasn't waiting and the brunette wasn't paying attention anyways. 

Without even locking the door she hurried out of the room and directly to the restaurant.

xxxxxxx

Catherine took another sip of her coffee. The storm had made the temperature drop dramatically and the warm liquid was a welcome warm-up. She glanced absent mindedly at her watch. Another fifteen minutes until the 'break' would be over. 

Then the real work had to be done. Alex had announced that they would do another trust building activity. The one activity all teams do before they leave. That fact alone made Catherine nervous. If everyone was doing it at the end of the seminar it certainly would require a lot of trust between the two participants. 

Unfortunately the blonde wasn't sure if that amount of trust was already there between her and Sara. Sure, the conversation those last few hours went well. They'd had a real civil conversation. They didn't exactly come to new conclusions about their problems. They just talked through everything again – this time according to Alex's rules. 

And even if Catherine wasn't convinced about it before – it certainly worked.

But now the psychologist wanted to do another trust building activity. To the blonde it seemed like now it was Alex who wanted to take too large of steps in their relationship. She had voiced this doubt after the session, but Alex told her that she was optimistic that she and Sara would be able to do it. 

After a little discussion the CSI had finally surrendered and accepted Alex's decision. After all, her talents lay in solving crimes and not in fixing relationships.

But something else was bothering her, too. At certain points in their session Sara became nervous – and Catherine couldn't understand why. The friend in her was convinced that this meant nothing, but the investigator wasn't so sure about that. In her line of work she was interrogating a lot of people and after the years she learned how to read them, how to decipher whether they are lying or not… 

Catherine sighed. They had finally made some progress in their relationship and all she could do was accuse Sara of hiding something. That was certainly not fair. Even if her younger co-worker was indeed keeping something from her, she had no right to be mad about it. By now she knew how horrible Sara's past was and she wouldn't be surprised if there was even more than Sara was telling. 

But she could just ask her, right? She could ask her if there were things she didn't want to talk about. Like that she would at least have an explanation for Sara's behavior, to set her mind at peace. And the brunette would probably feel relieved, too. That sounded like a good idea. 

Sara wouldn't lie to her, would she?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the reception area the storm wasn't as loud as it was in the room or the hall. Sara's heart was still beating way too fast and her breathing was irregular. She had probably run all the way down the stairs, but honestly she couldn't remember. Right now everything seemed to be a blur. 

What was she supposed to do now? She had to find Catherine and Alex and tell them about the flashback and that they had to postpone whatever was planned now because right now she didn't feel like managing anything. 

Sara stumbled the few remaining meters to the door of the restaurant. With her sweaty hand on the door knob she stopped. There was Catherine. No sign of Alex, but her blonde co-worker was sitting in one of the chairs near the bar obviously enjoying a cup of coffee. And she looked relaxed.

Not just relaxed but also satisfied and probably even happy. Happy that they had finally made some progress. Suddenly a thousand thoughts were shooting through Sara's head.

If she burst in there now, totally upset, and asked her not to do this trust building activity, what would Catherine think? There were two possibilities which formed in Sara's mind – and she didn't like either of them. 

In the first scenario Catherine would believe her that she had just had another flashback and was not in the condition to do any trust building. Along with that she would realize that Sara was just too messed up to be a friend because every time they made some sort of progress some fucking memory ruined everything.

The second scenario looked even worse. In this case the blonde CSI would not believe that Sara had had a flashback and just accuse her of trying to not have to do the trust building activity. The result would be the same as in scenario one. No friendship! 

She couldn't do that. As if she'd gotten burned, she pulled her hand away from the door and turned around. She needed to calm down. She spotted a comfy couch in the corner and headed straight for it. 

Sara sat down and dropped her head into her hands. Why was she so messed up? Why did all this stuff come up now? She had lived through hundreds of storms in her life. Never had she experienced such severe flashbacks. This whole flashback thing had started with Albert. Damn bastard! She really prayed for both their sakes that she would never see him again.

But Albert wasn't her problem right now. Catherine was. Catherine, Alex, and the trust building activity. She couldn't disappoint her co-worker. She had to do whatever Alex had planned for them. She had to calm down and get herself back together.

Her heart was still beating fast and she became more and more aware of the pain in her right hand. She leaned back against the soft cushions and tried to get her breathing back under control. Sara didn't close her eyes, afraid of the pictures that might appear there. Instead she stared at the ceiling. In order to get rid off the disturbing thoughts and flashes she started to recite Shakespeare. It wasn't the most creative idea, but it helped.

After a few minutes she felt a lot calmer. The one thing that hadn't vanished was the pain in her hand. Sara took a quick glance at the restaurant door and then at her watch. She still had ten minutes until she was supposed to meet with Catherine and Alex. Maybe she should use the time to cool her hand.

On her way to the bathroom she carefully removed the bandage around her hand. The swelling which greeted her was certainly not a good sign. Once in the bathroom she went to the sink, opened the water and held her hand under the spray. 

She couldn't suppress the audible sigh that escaped her, when the cold water hid her hand. That felt good!

While cooling her hand, Sara caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess and she had the general look of a zombie. Another glance at her watch told her that she had five minutes left to make herself look good enough to get through with her plan. 

The plan by the way included not telling Catherine about her latest flashback and doing this damn trust building activity. It was a great plan, if you ignore the lack of detail. Well, she still had five minutes left…

Xxxxxx

Catherine looked again at her watch. She was standing beside Alex at the reception desk. She had a bad feeling. 

Alex who sensed her nervousness could only smile. "Calm down Catherine. Sara is only five minutes late. I'm pretty sure there is a reasonable explanation. She probably just fell asleep. You saw how exhausted she was. Have a little faith in her."

Catherine really wanted to believe Alex, but after everything that had happened the most reasonable explanation to her was that Sara was already on the run. Just when she was about to voice her opinion she saw her younger co-worker emerging from the public restrooms near the stairs.

Alex sent her a look that said 'told you so', accompanied by a little grin. Catherine rolled her eyes, but reprimanded herself for not trusting Sara. After all that was what she wanted from the brunette: trust. 

"I'm sorry I'm late. But I had an urgent business to take care of." Sara said with a small smile on her lips when she approached her two waiting companions. In the last ten minutes she had managed to calm herself down again – at least on the outside. She looked more or less composed and she had even managed to redress her hand again in record time.

Of course on the inside it looked completely different. The brunette had still to fight with the aftermath of her latest flashback, but she was convinced to get through what lay ahead of her. 

Satisfied that both CSIs were here now, Alex sent them one of her warm smiles before pointing to the stairs. "Let's go."

xxxxxx

She could do this. She could do this. She could do this.

Sara was repeating this mantra over and over in her head, hoping that if she told it herself often enough she would finally believe it. Unfortunately right now she seemed headed more into the direction of a nervous breakdown.

This could be blamed on the total darkness that was surrounding her. The darkness combined with the sounds of the storm outside made it almost impossible for Sara to concentrate on anything. All she felt was fear. She was sure that her reaction couldn't be explained in any scientific way.

This exercise was simple and certainly not dangerous at all. And above all she wasn't alone. She had Catherine at her side. The blonde was holding her hand and giving her orders where to go. And she knew that Alex was nearby too even if she wasn't saying anything. 

Maybe she should have accepted Catherine's offer to start. Then the roles would be reversed right now and it would be her who was leading a blindfolded Catherine around some strangely built obstacles. But no! To prove her 'trust' she'd volunteered. 

And here she was, blind and hitting every other obstacle in her way because she could barely hear Catherine's guiding instructions above her own loud heart beat. This whole situation was certainly not good for her overactive mind, which produced a mixture of her lovely past, combined with some not so nice events from the last few days, and few horror vision of the future. 

Strangely enough Catherine hadn't seemed to have noticed her inner battle yet. Or at least she hadn't commented on it. Something Sara was sure she would do once she realized what was going on. 

Sara sent the twentieth prayer to who ever was listening that this torture would be over soon. But like so often before, no one was listening. This felt like hell but she wanted to prove to Catherine that she trusted her. And that meant that she had to get through this – no matter how many bruises she would get from it, physical and psychological ones. People always told her over the years that she was a fighter – that was what she had to do now: fight. So she kept on stumbling.

"Are you okay?" Catherine's voice ripped her out of her thoughts. Maybe her blonde companion was aware of her state of mind after all. "You are doing great. We are already half way through." 

Half way through? Sara bit her tongue in order to prevent herself from cursing out loud. "I'm fine." Came her sharp reply. Of course she was honestly far from it, but it seemed that Catherine was really oblivious to this, because she just kept talking in this conversational tone like they were just taking a relaxing walk through a park. Well, for her co-worker it probably felt like that. 

Sara had to concentrate hard to understand what Catherine was saying. Her heart was still beating fast and her heart beat was hammering in her ears. But her inner battle to concentrate on the blonde's words at least prevented more disturbing pictures from appearing. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Catherine's question sounded harmless. But a question which was introduced like that normally was anything but harmless, because if it was a harmless question people would just ask the question and not ask in the first place if they could ask the question. There were a lot of things Sara expected – but what came next was certainly not on her list.

"I know that this probably sounds strange to you, but I had the feeling earlier that you were hiding something."

Sara forgot how to breathe for a moment. "What!" 

"Don't get me wrong. You have every right to keep things to yourself. I don't agree with Alex that we have to know everything about each other. I just thought it would be better for both of us if you would just admit that there is more in your past you don't want to talk about without actually telling me what it is. Like that you wouldn't have to lie." Catherine tried to explain herself.

But Sara didn't hear a word of it. All she heard was the blonde accusing her of hiding something. She truly wondered who the blindfolded one was. After all it was Sara who was near a panic attack. It was her who had trouble breathing. It was her who was fighting the memories of her past. And instead of realising this - like the observant CSI Catherine normally was - and trying to calm her down she just had to accuse her of lying? Was this friendship?

Suddenly all of Alex 'rules' were forgotten. And the little fact that Catherine was indeed right about her assumption didn't really matter either. Sara felt cornered – and she needed to break free. "I don't believe you!" With that she ripped her left hand out of Catherine's grip and got rid of the blindfold too.

"If you haven't realized it, this little trust building activity is anything but easy for me, Catherine!" 

Sara's angry voice made Alex immediately jump up from her chair at the other end of the gymnasium and run over to the two CSIs.

Sara in the meantime went on. "All I wanted to do was prove you my trust. For your information I had another great flashback after our session. But did I tell you? No! And do you want to know why?"

Catherine didn't have time to answer before the brunette went on. "I didn't want you think that I was just making this up to have an excuse not to do this. So I tried to ignore the pictures of my mother stabbing my father over and over again while it is storming outside! And you have nothing better to do than question my honesty!"

As suddenly as Sara's anger came it also disappeared again. Suddenly she felt totally exhausted and sank to her knees, silent tears streaming down her face.

Alex, who had just reached the two investigators, was as speechless as Catherine. Why did something like that happen every time things looked good for those two? Sara was obviously near a complete breakdown. Slowly she knelt down beside the shaking woman. In every other case she would have probably put her arm around the patient's shoulders in order to calm her, but with Sara she opted for carefully taking her uninjured hand and gently squeezing it. 

Stunned, Catherine watched the scene in front of her and tried to process what just happened. How could she not realize Sara's struggle? "I'm sorry." Was the only thing she could think of to say right now.

Sara took a deep breath. Damn temper. Why did she always have to explode like that? "Don't apologize. I'm the one who's sorry." 

Catherine was about to protest, but Sara was faster.

"I had no right to explode like that and shout at you. This all just seems pointless. And with that I don't mean a friendship between us – just the way we try to strengthen it. Ever since I came here and was forced to deal with my past – something I have never really done before – this was a big struggle. And that's what it still is. It is a struggle between ME and MY past. It has nothing to do with you, Catherine. My anger, my fears, nothing of it is really because of you. I want to be your friend. I really do, but this here is pointless. Can't you see this?"

Catherine nodded slowly, guilt creeping into her conscience. Everything Sara said seemed to make sense. "It's okay. I guess…you're right. This is about you and your past. I'm sorry for not being the friend you needed these last few days. And forgive me for my stupid accusation, but I just had the feeling that there was still something standing between us. It's most likely just your struggle with your past."

Sara nodded. "If you don't mind I'd like to go back to our room."

"I think this is a good idea." Alex spoke up for the first time. Catherine and Sara were certainly a case she wouldn't forget anytime soon. If this scene showed her something than that the brunette really needed help. Otherwise the weight on her shoulders would probably crush her. 

"Do you want to be alone?" Catherine's question came hesitantly. Right now she really didn't want to cause her co-worker anymore pain than necessary. Sara forced herself through this just to prove her that she trusted her – even if it seemed to be hell for her. And how did she thank her? 

To Catherine and Alex's surprise Sara shook her head. "No, actually I don't want to be alone. I just don't wanna do anymore of these activities. I think a hot shower would be nice right now."

The guilt written over Catherine's face made Sara feel guilty herself – very guilty actually. She knew that Catherine was right with her accusation and that she was lying again to cover up a lie. But the part about her struggle with her past was true too, and right now it was the one which influenced her most.

When she was a kid her mother used to tell her that lies always come back to you. Right now she prayed that this wasn't happening too fast.

* * *

_A/N: What do you think? Please let me know!_


	60. Chapter 60

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. I finally managed to finish chapter 60. I hope you'll enjoy it!_

* * *

**Chapter 60**

The walk back to their room was spent in silence. None of the three women were sure what to say.

Alex was silently cursing about the fact that she'd again misinterpreted the situation. She didn't see that coming – at least not to that extent. She had sensed that Sara felt uncomfortable with the task that lay ahead of her, but the great fear that the CSI had described later, was unfortunately nothing she had picked up.

The psychologist shook her head silently. What the hell was wrong with her ability to judge? Why was she always underestimating the situation these last few days?

Was she simply too happy that Sara voluntarily wanted to start with the task? How could she be so blinded by Sara's false bravery?

The CSI's words were still swirling through her mind. "This fight isn't about you and me. It's bout me and my past. Nothing else!" A simple assessment, yet Alex wasn't able to determine it herself. Instead of concentrating on Sara and her real serious problems she wanted to fix everything. Sara, Catherine and their relationship.

It was an impossible task from the beginning, yet her ambitions had gotten the best of her. She wanted the perfect solution and in the end she got nothing at all. This was a complete disaster and Alex knew there would be consequences. The worst thing right now was that she had no idea how to do at least a little bit of damage control.

Like Alex, Catherine was blaming herself for not realizing sooner what Sara had just said in the gym. This wasn't about them – at least not anymore. In the beginning it was.

When they both wanted to come here, when they'd started their trip, after the first night, then everything was more or less okay and it was about them. But Albert changed that – very quickly.

Sara's long forgotten memories that were hunting her since that morning made this seminar just about Sara and her past. But Catherine had refused to accept that. Her own stubbornness took over her rational side. She came here to strengthen her friendship with Sara and even after the session with Albert she refused to let go of that goal and therefore totally ignored Sara's needs.

Catherine took a quick glance sideways to her co-worker, who was walking beside her, head down, shaking slightly and wincing with every new wave of thunder. How could it have gone so far?

Sara in the meantime was fighting her own battles. A part of her was proud of her earlier words. She did believe in what she had said. And since not even Alex had argued with her she was obviously right. Even if she didn't want to admit it in the beginning, this was still a battle between her and her past.

The only thing leaving behind a bitter taste was the fact that she had lied Catherine and Alex right to their faces. The more she thought about it, the more Sara was coming to the conclusion, that if Catherine hadn't accused her of lying, she would have probably made it through that trust building activity.

But no! Her co-worker's senses were always perfect and she always hit the mark. And suddenly the pressure became too much for Sara and something inside of her snapped.

She knew from the looks on their faces that Alex and Catherine were feeling guilty, and that made her stomach turn. A part of her wanted to tell the truth. To just tell her fellow CSI about her secret relationship with Grissom and therefore the true reason for her outburst a few minutes ago.

But she couldn't. She was too afraid of what Alex and mostly Catherine would think of her. Even thinking about the derogatory looks she would receive, made her want to cut herself – really deep! So instead of setting things straight, Sara tried her best to calm herself down.

xxxx

After apologizing for the twentieth time, Alex had finally left the two CSIs alone in their room. That was about ten minutes ago. Right now Sara was sitting on the little couch, her eyes closed, trying to stop her own guilt and the old memories from her past from taking over.

The storm seemed to have lost at least a little bit of its power. It was still raining heavily, but the wind seemed to have let up.

Catherine was in the bathroom, taking a shower. The blonde had offered for Sara to go first, but the younger CSI had refused. So here she was, waiting for Catherine to finish and then...then what?

She had no idea what to talk about. What were 'safe' topics? Did she even want to talk at all? Maybe going directly to bed would have been better. Sara felt totally burnt out, but she was sure that she wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. There were way too many things on her mind.

A loud ringing ripped her out of her thoughts. It took her a few seconds to realize that it was a cell phone. Slowly she got up from the couch and walked over to where her own cell phone was still plugged in and charged.

She picked the phone up and eyed it curiously. She really wasn't imaging this. Her phone was ringing. 'Anonymous caller' it said on the display. Unbelievingly Sara glanced out the window. How could it possibly be that she hardly had reception when they arrived and the weather was sunny and clear and now when the storm of the century was raging outside she was receiving a call?

Sara watched her cell phone for another few seconds like it would bite her when she answered the call. But then her curiosity got the best of her.

"Hello?" She waited for a response from the other end of the line. Instead of the expected noise, the voice she heard was way too familiar. "Sara, thank God that I finally reach you!"

Grissom. He was certainly the last person she wanted to talk to right now. "Gris, this is a very bad time…" She nervously glanced at the bathroom door, hoping that Catherine would stay in there for a little bit longer.

"I… I just wanted do know how things were going" He sounded hesitant, even ... scared? Certainly not his usual confident self. But right now Sara couldn't care less. Grissom was a big part of the whole mess she was in right now.

"Things are …" The brunette paused, looking for the right word "… complicated." If she had said 'totally screwed up' it might have been more honest but it would have also caused more questions from her supervisor – questions she wasn't ready to answer right now.

"…I see…" Came the response from the other end. Then there was silence again.

Sara thought the connection might have been broken, when Grissom finally spoke up again. "Sara, I…" Since when was Gil Grissom not able to form a complete sentence? Right now she really had no nerve to guess what he wanted to tell her. This whole conversation was starting to piss Sara of – remarkably considering that it started less than a minute ago.

"What the hell do you want?! This is really a bad time!" It certainly was. She had neither the patience nor the nerves to talk to her boss – her ex - right now. And if he realized her current mood, he would certainly end the call, wouldn't he?

But instead of taking Sara's hint, the graveyard shift supervisor revealed – suddenly and without warning – the reason for his call. "Did you tell Catherine about us?"

Sara didn't believe her ears. Selfish bastard! "That's the only reason why you are calling? To make sure you still look good in her eyes?!"

"We both agreed that it was a mistake and that we never would talk to anyone about it."

Sara wanted to scream. She really wanted to. Remembering that Catherine was next door made her reconsider that. Quickly she walked to the corner of the room farthest away from the bathroom, before she spoke up again. "I do know what we agreed on" She said through clenched teeth.

"So you haven't told her yet and you don't plan on telling her?"

This man really could be a pain in the ass. "As a matter of fact, this is none of your damn business...but for your information: we are trying to build a friendship here and right now the only thing standing between us seems to be that damn idiotic affair. Up to now I haven't told her and haven't planed to, but maybe I should just do it!" With the anger boiling inside of her Sara hung up.

Did she really want to do that? Looking at the whole event with logic and calmness, it would only make sense to just tell Catherine. She wouldn't bite her head off, would she? Or would there be greater consequences? Was it the only chance to save her friendship with Catherine or would it instead destroy it?

Before she was able to make that decision her phone started ringing again. The display showed again 'Anonymous caller'. Sara clenched her teeth. Right now she really wanted to strangle him. With another glance at the bathroom door she answered the call.

"For God's sake, leave me alone!" To her surprise, Sara wasn't the only one who was out of patience.

"I just wanted to talk some sense into you! Telling Catherine would only made her mad at us...at you! Like that you'll never win her friendship"

"Oh just…" Sara didn't get any further, because she heard the key in the bathroom door turn. Suddenly panic started to fill her. "She's back. Don't call again!" Without waiting for a response the brunette disconnected the line. She turned to Catherine and tried to look as unsuspicious as possible.

While turning around the phone managed to slip out of her sweaty hands. "Damn!" Sara tried frantically to spot her phone. She knew she had to shut if off before Grissom could call again. The brunette knew one thing for sure: if she decided to tell Catherine after all she would do it herself and not via Grissom.

"Is everything okay?" Sara's head snapped up at hearing Catherine's concerned voice. Right – she had company. She had to play this down...somehow. Without showing the panic the she was feeling right now. "Eh…I just dropped my phone while disconnecting it from the charger and now I can't find it anymore." Sara really hoped that her voice didn't sound as scared as she felt. Without waiting for a reply she knelt down and started looking for the cell phone.

Catherine observed her critically for a few seconds before kneeling down beside her. "Why is your phone suddenly so important? I really think you'll manage to shower without it." She said with a smile.

Sara took a deep breath. If she would insist on finding her phone just to switch it of Catherine would get suspicious. If Grissom was stupid enough to call again and Catherine picked up, it would probably end in a complete disaster. But he wouldn't do that, would he? The brunette forced a smile on her face. "Of course you're right."

Catherine nodded. "I'm sure it'll show up when we pack tomorrow".

With a last desperate look over the floor Sara stood up and cleared her throat. "Well...then I'll take a quick shower. I'll be right back." With that she grabbed her fresh clothes and almost sprinted into the bathroom, leaving behind a confused Catherine.

"What was that about?" The blonde shook her head. The girl really needed a break. Like Sara before her she checked the floor, but couldn't find a cell phone. She stood up again, adding a mental note to help Sara search later.

xxx

Grissom was pacing in his office. A thousand thoughts were running through his mind. Would Sara talk to Catherine about their affair? Would she break the promise she had made to him? Why did he have to send them to this seminar anyway? Right – it wasn't his decision. Damned be Ecklie!

Unfortunately the longer he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that the only one who can be blamed for his dilemma was himself. If he wouldn't have given in to his desires and started an affair with a woman fifteen years younger than himself, a woman who was a long time friend and above all his subordinate, he wouldn't need to worry about losing his best friend right now.

Catherine would most likely not have been opposed to the relationship and he was sure she would have understood why it didn't work out, too. The problem was that he never told her and that he had lied to her numerous times, when he told her that Sara was just a co-worker and that there never was and never will be anything between them.

He took his glasses off and sighed. Why did women always make life so complicated? Well, he could drown in self pity later – right now he had to make sure that Sara wouldn't do something stupid. She had told him not to call again. But maybe he had to just to remind her once more that it would have negative consequence for both of them when she told Catherine. Just one quick call…

xxx

Sara had the quickest shower in her life – at least she tried to. On the on hand she wanted to go out there again to get her cell phone, on the other hand she really wanted to thoroughly wash off all the sweat – even after all these days still a challenge with just one hand. Now all she had to do was get dressed…

xxx

Catherine was standing at the window, looking out into the storm. She was desperately looking for some 'safe' topics to talk about with Sara, because she didn't want an uncomfortable silence hanging over their heads once Sara finished her shower. So far she came only up with one topic – work. That was always safe.

Was there anything else that would not remind Sara of her past? There had to be something … Before she could think of a second 'safe' topic a cell phone started ringing. At first the blonde figured her ears had played a trick on her, since she doubted that it was possible to have reception during such a storm.

But there it was again. That soft ringing – and it come from the general direction where Sara had claimed she had dropped her cell phone. Curious Catherine walked over to where the sound was coming form and kneeled down.

"Where are you hiding?" It seemed to have fallen directly under the night stand beside the bed. 'No wonder Sara had missed it', she thought. Without the ringing and the blinking display it was impossible to see. Catherine grabbed the little device and held it up triumphantly. "Gotcha!"

The phone was still ringing. The CSI eyed the display suspiciously. Indeed it was no alarm, but an incoming call. 'Anonymous caller' the display said. What was she supposed to do now? Pick up? Would that mean invading Sara's privacy?

She glanced at the bathroom door, hoping that Sara might just be finished and would walk out. But that wasn't the case. 'What if it was something important' was her next thought. Sara would probably be thankful if she took that call for her. The chances that she would hear anything but noise were not too big anyway. With that she pressed the little green button on Sara's phone.

xxx

"God damned hand! If you don't cooperate I'll simply cut you off!" Showering was on thing, but putting clothes back on and redressing her injured hand was still a real challenge for her. Why did things taking twice as long when you were in a hurry? Sara cursed once again.

"To hell with it!" She decided that her hand would survive without a bandage. She tossed the bandage in the corner of the room and put her shoes on as quickly as possible. Sara had suddenly a very bad feeling and wanted nothing more than to go back to her phone.

xxx

Grissom was sitting behind his desk, the telephone receiver pressed tightly to his ear. It felt like an eternity ago that he had dialled Sara's number. Why wasn't she picking up? Was she ignoring him? Why couldn't she understand the importance of his request? He was ready to give up when the call was accepted at the other end of the line …

xxx

"Hello?" Catherine waited for a response from whoever was calling Sara, but instead she received nothing but noise. "Hello? Is someone there?"

xxx

Instead of Sara's voice, Grissom was greeted by noise. Was the line dead? Could Sara hear him even when he couldn't hear her? It was worth a shot. She just couldn't tell Catherine.

xxx

Catherine was about to hang up when she finally heard a very familiar voice from the other end. "Sara, it's me again." Grissom. Why was he calling Sara? She was about to tell him that he was speaking to Catherine, instead of the younger CSI, but her friend's next words stopped her. "You can't tell Catherine!"

What the hell was that suppose to mean?

"Please, Sara, be reasonable. Telling Catherine about our affair would have horrible consequences!"

Affair?! Catherine blinked, her mouth dropped open. They had an affair? What the hell?!

Right in that moment the bathroom door opened and Sara came out. Their eyes met. One pair filled with fear at the sight of the whereabouts of her cell phone and one part simply filled with anger.

To Catherine suddenly everything made sense. Sara had lied to her! And that latest outburst in the gym had most likely nothing to do with her past. Catherine had just hit the jackpot with her assumption about Sara holding something back. The blonde threw the cell phone on the bed never taking her eyes of Sara.

"You wanna tell me something?" Her voice was filled with venom.

Sara just stared at her without even blinking.

Catherine went on. "Guess who just called? Your dear Grissom." Her voice was bitter sweet. "He wanted to remind you of not telling me about the fact that the two of you are screwing around!"

Sara inevitably cringed at Catherine's harsh words. What was she supposed t do now?! Panic was rising quickly inside of her.

The blonde wasn't finished. "You did a damn good job down in the gym. You really made Alex and I feel guilty like hell!" The blonde took a step towards her younger co-worker. Sara instantly moved back to keep some distance between them.

"It's not like you think…" Sara's voice wasn't more than a whisper.

"Really? I guess you had trouble not laughing at us for buying your little show!" Catherine was way beyond being reasonable. She raised her hand in a threatening gesture. "How dare you abuse my trust like that? Fucking with my best friend behind my back. How long did it take you to finally lure him into your bed?"

Sara stumbled backwards. Her eyes were fixed on Catherine's hand towering high above her. She didn't want to get punished – not again! A loud crash of thunder broke her from her trance. It also left only one thought in her mind. She needed to get out of here. Now!

"I'm sorry." With that she sprinted to the door, ripped it open and started to run - not sure where to go, but certainly far away from Catherine.


	61. Chapter 61

_A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all your reviews for the last chapter. I'm really trying my best to finish this story ASAP. I've already got 50 of the next chapter done, so the next update shouldn't take too long.  
Now enjoy reading!_

* * *

**Chapter 61**

A thousand different emotions were running through Catherine's mind. Above all she felt angry and betrayed.

She had always known that there was some sort of chemistry between Sara and Gil, but she was never sure what to make of it. They had seemed close once, but their relationship had deteriorated rapidly over the last year. Catherine had actually stopped believing that there was or had ever been something between them.

That was also what Sara had confirmed just a few days ago. And this is what made her so angry – that Sara lied her right into the face. But not just the brunette – even her so called best friend had lied to her.

Catherine thought of herself as a strong person, but there were things that were able to shatter her defenses – being betrayed by people she thought she could trust certainly fell into that category.

A silent tear of anger and disappointment made its way down the blonde's cheek. Hastily she wiped it away. She wouldn't cry again. She had shed enough tears over the last days. But what was she suppose to do?

Should she just accept it as the final straw that broke the camel's back? Or should she at least hunt Sara down and demand a few answers? "Arrghhhh … FUCK!" Angrily she wiped the contents of the little table in the room off. The old telephone landed on the floor with a loud crash, the little vase with flowers in it even shattered. "Damn you, Sara!" She screamed into the empty room.

This week was supposed to turn out different …

xxx

She had to keep running! She needed to find a place to hide. Catherine couldn't find her ... never!

The blonde would kill her – she knew that she would kill her! With the same anger as her mother killed her father. And like her father did then, she would certainly deserve it.

But she was a too big coward to face her destiny. That's why she was running!

Another loud crash of thunder made her cry out in fear. Sara was beyond anything reasonable. She knew only one thing – that she needed to leave this place – NOW!

With that she stumbled down the last few stairs into the reception area and towards the main entrance.

xxx

After a few minutes of debating with herself what to do, Catherine finally decided she wanted answers from Sara. Her younger co-worker wouldn't get away so easily.

So here she was wandering around the mansion, looking around all the corners, hoping to finally find Sara's hiding place – so far without success. She had already checked all of the floors as well as the restaurant and the gym – nothing!

But where else could she look?

Of course! Sara would run to Alex and ask her for help. With this new conclusion she headed for Alex's room. Her anger had weakened a little bit since she had left the room, but she had no idea what would happen when she finally ran into Sara.

A few minutes later Catherine was standing in front of Alex door and knocking rather forcefully. The idea that Sara was behind that door made her anger flame up again. After a few seconds a bewildered looking Alex opened the door. "Catherine? ..."

But the psychologist didn't get any further. Catherine pushed herself past her and started to search the room for her fellow CSI. "Where is she, Alex?"

Alex blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what was just happening. She had left Catherine and Sara alone about an hour ago and the mood was certainly different then. What had happened now?!

"Are you looking for … Sara?" Alex asked carefully, still a bit confused.

Catherine emerged from the bathroom and glared at her. "No, I'm looking for the Queen of England. Thought I saw her going in here."

When Alex just continued to look confused Catherine sighed and sat down on the bed. "Of course I'm looking for Sara. But I take it she isn't here, is she?"

"No, she isn't. I haven't seen her since I left the two of you." Alex sat down beside Catherine. "How about you tell me what happened this time?"

And Catherine did.

xxx

Catherine was wandering through the halls of the mansion again. After she had filled Alex in on everything that had happened, the psychologist had found a whole new reason for finding Sara: Alex thought it was very likely that the brunette might do something very very stupid now – meaning she might try to kill herself, seeing no other way out of this dilemma.

When Catherine thought about everything she had learned about Sara these last days she knew that this was more than possible. And no matter how angry she was at her younger co-worker, this was certainly not what she wanted. Especially the thought that she – her reaction to finding out about the affair – was the cause for it. It made her stomach turn. She had to find her – or she would never forgive herself.

xxx

After another ten minutes of fruitless search, Catherine met again with Alex in the reception area. "Any sign of her?"

The psychologist shook her head. "No, but …"

"But what?" Catherine asked, when the psychologist didn't continue.

Alex hesitated. She was still hoping that this was just a coincidence, but with every passing second it seemed less likely. "I ran into Jenny a few minutes ago and she told me that she thought she saw someone running down the street, away from the mansion …"

"What?!" Catherine was shocked. If Sara was out there in this storm, her life certainly was in danger.

Alex was as worried as Catherine about the situation. Of course theoretically it was possible that Jenny was wrong, but then again … it would make sense from Sara's point of view. If she wanted to get away from the blonde there was only one option – she had to go out there.

Alex saw the panic rising in Catherine's eyes. But what they needed now was a plan and not just desperate action, so she spoke up before Catherine could. "Okay, here is what we do. Go to your room and grab your jacket. I'll get flashlights and more people to help us search for her."

Unfortunately for Alex, Catherine didn't agree with her. "No! We don't have time for that. She already has a head start. We have to go after her now if we want to find her!" With that she turned on her heels and sprinted to the door and out into the storm.

"Catherine! Catherine!" Alex called after her. This wasn't her plan! Actually it was the complete opposite! She looked quickly around, only to realize that the reception area was empty. So what now? Should she get help first? Or just run after Catherine? The CSI had almost reached the forest. It was now or never, or she would lose both CSIs. "Oh, you two will be the death of me!" Alex cursed, before running after the blonde.

Alex was completely soaked before she'd even reached the older CSI. It was still raining heavily. The blonde didn't look any better when the psychologist finally caught up to her.

Catherine was standing near the first row of trees, obviously looking for any signs of Sara. Alex stopped beside her, panting. "Catherine, this is crazy. We'll never find her in this weather!" She had to shout to make sure the CSI could hear her over the storm." She could have gone everywhere!"

But it seemed like Catherine wasn't even listening. She kept searching her surroundings with a concentrated look on her face. Alex sighed. She knew it was pointless. The blonde wouldn't listen. She could just hope that her CSI-Training would help them out here. Otherwise they could have a real problem.

Just as Alex was about to ask something else, Catherine started to run without warning. The psychologist rolled her eyes, but didn't know that else to do than run behind her. Fortunately she didn't need to run long. Catherine had stopped a few feet into the woods. Alex almost bumped into her because she hadn't expected the abrupt stop and the ground was very slippery. "What is it?"

"Footprints" Was all Catherine said. The woman had certainly just switched into work mode. Alex looked at the ground where the blonde was pointing, but couldn't see anything other than mud. "I can't see anything."

That earned her a glare from Catherine. "That's why you are the psychologist and I'm the CSI. Believe me, I've seen enough footprints in my life to tell you that these are recent and the person who made them was running. We are on the right track. She must have run down there." With that Catherine was off again.

"This is crazy, Catherine!" Alex called after her again. But the CSI didn't stop. Again the psychologist was left with no choice but to follow. Considering the anger Catherine had shown earlier towards Sara, Alex was surprised at her determination to find Sara – and the risk she was taking for it. Probably something the job as a CSI brought with it. No matter what argument you have, when it comes against the wall, you have each other's back. She could just hope that Catherine's bravery wouldn't kill them all.

xxx

Sara was desperate. Her legs were burning from all the running. But she couldn't stop, could she? She had to keep going – she had to get away from here. She stared at the ground in front of her, trying to avoid the roots and branches that lay in her way. But the next loud crash of thunder made her wince and loose her concentration for a second.

It was long enough for her foot to get stuck in a root – a painful stop in her run. Instinctively she tried to break her fall with her hands. The seconds her right hand touched the ground, a sharp paint shot through her whole body. "Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!" Quickly she rolled herself to the side to take her weight off her arm.

She was breathing heavily by now – out of fear and physical exhaustion. She needed a break! Just a little one …

Her adrenaline level was still high enough to not care about the coldness from her muddy and soaked clothes and it was high enough to not feel the pulsating pain from her now broken arm. So she stayed on the ground and closed her eyes for a moment.

She just needed a short break ….

xxx

Catherine's anger had dissipated long ago. The only thing left was concern. Concern for Sara's safety – for her life. She wasn't sure if this was just her job-related drive to save lives, her mother instincts, or even friendship. But she knew that she had to find Sara. That was the only important thing right now.

Once she found her, she would personally kick her ass. Not for the affair – that was a different chapter – but for being so stupid to put her life in danger like this. "SARA! Where are you!?" Her shout was drowned by a loud crash of thunder.

Alex was a few feet behind her. The psychologist was still praying that Catherin was hunting Sara's footprints and not something that wasn't even there. She tried to do her part by calling out for Sara every now and then and by memorizing the way they had taken. After all they needed to go back at some point … at least she hoped they would.

Right now she was glad the she went jogging on a regular basis. Otherwise she had no chance keeping up with Catherine. Another loud wave of thunder shook the forest. Like the other times, Alex tried hard not to scream. She felt completely vulnerable out here.

The thunder was followed by a bright flash of lighting. Instinctively Alex looked up into the clouded sky, just in time to see a big branch coming directly their way. With new found power she jumped forward grabbing Catherine around the waist and throwing her on the ground.

"Are you nuts!?" After recover from the first shock of being thrown to the ground by Alex, Catherine pushed the psychologist of her and tried to get to her feet. "Are you trying to kill me? You … "

Alex interrupted her by grabbing her hard by the shoulders and turning her around forcefully. "No, but that was."

Catherine's eyes widened. In front of them, just a few feet away lay an enormous branch, at least ten feet long and as thick as her head. If she would have kept running, she would be on her way up to heaven by now.

"I … I …" Catherine took a deep calming breath. "Thanks."

Alex patted her shoulder. "You are welcome." She said with a small smile. The blonde returned the smile.

After a few more seconds Catherine was finally over her shock and back to business. "We have to find her."

Alex nodded. "Then let's go."

They carefully climbed over the wooden gift from above and started to follow the footprints again.

"Sara! SARA!"

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's it for now. I know that this chapter isn't very long, but I just had to stop at this point to keep you guessing a little bit longer :-).  
In the next chapter Alex and Catherine will finally find Sara - and you can be certain that there will be more drama on the way ..._


	62. Chapter 62

_A/N: Hey guys! Here's the promised update. Thanks again to all my loyal reviewers. You guys are great!  
As for this chapter: I'm afraid my story isn't as realistic as it used to be. I hope you like it anyway. Enjoy reading._

_- Stormy_

* * *

**Chapter 62**

"Sara! SARA!"

Sara's head shot up from the ground. Were her ears playing tricks on her? She tried to listen to the sounds around her, but could hear nothing but the storm.

The brunette was still lying in exactly the same spot that she'd fallen on earlier. The adrenaline was wearing off and pain and coldness were slowly making themselves known. The scientist in her knew that she should get up from the ground and that she could easily die out here if she stayed. But was that really that bad? It would at least save her from Catherine - and it would make it easier for the blonde too. Maybe she should just try to fall asleep …

"Sara!"

This time Sara was sure that it wasn't her imagination. Catherine was here. Somewhere nearby, trying to find her, trying to punish her. Her exhaustion was suddenly replaced with panic once again. She needed to get way from here!

Without thinking she tried to sit up, using her right arm in the process. She hardly felt the pain that shot through her. The only indication that something was wrong with her arm was that it wasn't helping her at all to sit up. Knowing that she had no time to analyze this mystery, she rolled around to her other side and stumbled to her feet.

When Sara finally managed to stand on the slippery ground, she had trouble orientating. Where should she run to? From where was Catherine coming? It looked like she had to choose a direction and hope for the best. But suddenly this decision was taken from her…

Catherine had lost Sara's trail a good minute ago. She could only hope that the brunette hadn't left the little path and was now heading in a completely different direction. And to make things worse, the ground was getting more and more muddy, which made every step a show of strength.

The storm wasn't losing any of its power either. Rain and wind made it impossible to see further than a hundred feet. Because of that it took Catherine a moment to realize that there was indeed a person standing in the distance. She stopped and wiped the rain out of her eyes, not sure if she was imaging it. But to Catherine's joy the figure was still there – and it looked very familiar.

"SARA!"

Sara's head snapped into the direction from where her name came. It was certainly Catherine, less than 100 feet away from her. Without a second thought she turned around and started to run again.

Catherine was mentally prepared to take Sara into her arms, when the brunette suddenly turned around and run away. "Damn it. Sara, are you crazy?! STOP!" But her word were drowned by the crash of a lightning hitting a nearby tree – and of course the younger CSI didn't stop.

Temporary too stunned to run, it took Alex pushing past her and sprinting after Sara, to finally bring her back into action. With new found determination Catherine tried to catch up with the two women in front of her.

Sara was looking everywhere but where she was running. Her head was shooting from one side to the other to find a possible escape route, with a glance backwards to her pursuers every now and then.

By now she had realized that not just Catherine was hunting her. Somehow she must have convinced Alex to help her. Sara took another quick glance behind her, causing her to almost run into a big tree. In the last second she managed to change her course and avoid a collision.

She heard Catherine calling something after her again, but the storm and her own fast heartbeat, pulsating in her ears, made it impossible to understand the CSI. She could only imagine that it wasn't something nice.

In the meantime, Catherine had managed to get ahead of Alex once again. She was praying that Sara would make a wrong step and lose her speed. Like that they could catch her and shake some sense into her. Unfortunately her prayers were not heard. The brunette was stumbling but not falling.

To her it felt like they'd already run ten miles. Something had to happen to make this stop, because her own energy reserves were running out. Catherine's prayers should be heard soon …

Sara turned around again. To her horror Alex and Catherine had shortened the distance between them enormously. She turned her head back front to watch her way, only to realize that the path she had taken was making a sharp turn – too sharp for her to take. A fracture of a second later she realized why the path was changing direction.

Before her was a steep slope.

Sara tried desperately to stop, but it was too late. She slipped over the edge. The next seconds were just a blur for her. She rolled down the slope without any chance to slow down.

"SARA! NO!" On the contrary to Sara, Catherine and Alex were able to stop on top of the slope. But all they could do was watch in horror as Sara rolled down the slope and finally came to a stop against a big stump. Seconds - that felt to Catherine like an eternity – passed, but the brunette wasn't moving.

Alex was too shocked too move. This all was like a horrible nightmare. It couldn't end like this …

Catherine on the other hand came back to her senses "Sara!" She jumped down the slope, somehow slipping down, trying to avoid the trees in the way. Her own safety was long forgotten. She was focused only on Sara's lifeless body.

Finally the blonde reached her co-worker. Immediately she knelt down beside her and felt for a pulse, but her fingers were too cold and her hands shaking too much to find one. Catherine was the verge of a panic attack when Sara started to move.

"Ohhhh …" Sara felt like she just lost a fight with Mike Tyson. What the hell had happened? Through the fog in her mind she heard voices. Someone was with her. But who? She tried to concentrate, to remember what had happened. A task which her headache made very difficult.

Then she felt a hand caressing her cheek and there was that voice again, nearer now, clearer. "God, Sara, what have you done?" Catherine! The seminar! The affair! Grissom's call! The chase through the forest! The slope! Suddenly everything came back to Sara. "I'll take care of you." She was stupid enough to fall down the slope and now Catherine had her. She might be injured, but if she could use the advantage of surprise, she might be able to get away from the blonde. Otherwise Sara knew that her body would never be found.

It was now or never. Sara counted silently to three, using the time to collect all her strengths. One. She would just jump up and start running again. Two. She would act faster than Catherine would expect her to. Three.

Sara actually managed to jump up, catching both Catherine and Alex by surprise, but as soon as she was standing, everything became dark at once. She stumbled a few feet only to go back down on her knees again. So much for her great plan!

"Sara, for God's sake! Please just stay down!" Catherine was up and on her way over to her obviously very confused co-worker. But a hand on her shoulder stopped her from getting any closer to the scared woman. Angrily the blonde turned around. "Let go, Alex! She needs help." But the psychologist didn't loosen her grip. "You are right. But not like this. We need to win her trust. Let me do the talking." With that Alex increased her pressure on Catherine's shoulder, forcing her to sit down on the old stump.

Meanwhile Sara was still trying to get away, afraid of what Catherine might do to her. Unfortunately it seemed like she wasn't able to do more than crawling – but to Sara this seemed better than nothing. If someone would end her pathetic life, then it would be herself.

Sara took a quick glance over her shoulder. She expected Catherine towering above her, but her co-worker and the psychologist were not after her. Instead they were sitting on that stump, the one that had finally stopped her way down this slope. What the hell was going on?!

Well, maybe they were as exhausted as she was. If they could take a little break, maybe she could too… Sara crawled the last feet to a nearby tree and sat down against it, facing her pursuers.

Maybe she could plead with Catherine? "Look, Catherine, I'm really really sorry! I never meant to lie to you. Please don't hurt me!" Sara sounded pathetic, even to her own ears. But she couldn't care less right now.

Instead of Catherine it was Alex who answered. "Sara, no one wants to hurt you. We are just here to help you. That's why I need you to calm down." The psychologist observed Sara closely. She knew that the young CSI was suffering from a sort of delusions, probably caused by a panic attack in the first place. It was like a brain circuit had snapped, mixing reality with her worst nightmares.

If she wanted to help Sara, Alex knew she had to calm her down. And she had to win her trust – fast, since she couldn't tell from the distance how bad her injuries really were. "Sara, you think that Catherine wants to kill you, don't you?"

Sara felt more confused than ever in her life. Nothing made sense to her right now. What did Alex want from her? "Yes!" Came her hesitant answer after a while. "Yes, she wants to punish me for lying to her."

Catherine wanted to jump up at hearing this. How could she honestly think that? Alex's hand on her shoulder kept her from moving though. "We have to win her trust, Catherine. Just let me handle this." Alex whispered. Hesitantly Catherine nodded. She just hoped that the psychologist knew what she was doing.

Alex turned to Sara again. "Has Catherine ever hurt you before? Physically I mean?"

Sara's answer came quickly. "No."

"Then why do you think she will hurt you now?"

This time Sara hesitated. "… because I lied …"

"I want you to think, Sara. You are a clever girl, so I know you can do this. I also know that you went through a lot emotional ups and downs lately and that you are confused right now, but if you are honest with yourself, do you really really think that Catherine would ever ever do anything to hurt you?" Alex chose her words carefully. She knew she was walking a thin line. Somehow she had to make sure that Sara was suppressing her panic and starting to think rationally again.

Sara was thinking about Alex's words. Would Catherine hurt her? Right now the brunette wasn't so sure anymore. From here it was hard to tell in what mood her older co-worker really was… Nothing made sense anymore. Sara wanted to think, but her head hurt too much. Her head hurt, her arm hurt and she felt suddenly so cold.

"Sara?"

Right, Alex had wanted an answer. "I don't think so."

Alex smiled triumphantly. They were going in the right direction. Sara was calming down. "I can tell you, why Catherine was running after you. She did it because she was afraid that you might harm yourself. She wanted to protect you."

Sara let Alex's words sink in slowly. Was this true? But why would Catherine do that? "But I lied to her …"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, that's true and that's something you need to talk about, but that doesn't mean that she would ever hurt you!"

They stayed silent for a good minute. Then Alex decided it was time to get them out of here before they all die of hypothermia. "Sara, we need to get back to the mansion. For that Catherine and I need to come over to you and check your injuries. I promise that we just want to help, okay? But you cannot run away again."

Nothing.

"Sara?"

"Okay." Sara's answer was barely above a whisper, but Alex heard it. Slowly she stood up, dragging Catherine with her. "Catherine, stay calm now. Talk to her calmly. Don't upset her. Don't blame her for this stunt – at least not now." Her words were clear and left no room for arguments. Catherine nodded.

Slowly they walked over to Sara. The blonde's heart was beating fast. Right now she was most afraid of finding out the extent of Sara's injuries. She sent one last prayer to God, before carefully kneeling down beside the brunette. "Hey there." She gave Sara her best reassuring smile – and it seemed to work: she got a weak smile back in return.

Both Catherine and Alex started with checking Sara's body for visible injuries. They exchanged a knowing look after they saw her right hand and arm. Those definitely didn't look good. But beside many scratches and a few already forming bruises, there were no other visible injuries.

As a CSI Catherine knew that this didn't mean anything. "Sara, Honey?" When Sara looked up to her, she continued in a soft voice. "As Alex said we need to get back to the mansion. For that we need to know how bad you are injured. Can you tell me if something beside your arm is hurting? Your stomach maybe?" She could only hope that Sara didn't have any internal injuries – or her chances of surviving out here were very low.

It took a few seconds until Sara started to react. It seemed like she was starting to think rationally again, because to Alex and Catherine's surprise she started to examine herself. She began with her left arm, slowly stretching it and making a fist. Then she bent it a few times. When she was satisfied she proceeded with her legs, carefully stretching and bending them. After five minutes of self examination, Sara turned to Catherine. "I'm okay. I think I can walk back to the mansion."

Alex was about to protest. This was crazy. They shouldn't move Sara at all. But considering their current situation, staying were they were was probably more dangerous. She exchanged a quick look with Catherine. Both silently agreed that they had to try walking back – even if they didn't like it. Fortunately for them the storm had weakened over the last few minutes. A good omen!

"Then we have to secure your arm first." With that Catherine pulled her sweater of. Since she already felt like an ice cube it didn't really matter. Carefully she created a make shift sling for Sara's arm. The coldness must have numbed the brunette's arm, since she hardly made any sound when Alex and Catherine carefully moved it.

When they were satisfied with the sling, the two women stood up. Alex assessed the situation for a moment, before speaking up. "Since I'm bigger, I'll take the left side. Sara you'll swing your good arm around my shoulders and I support you. Catherine you take her right side. Just be careful of her arm."

Catherine nodded. When she bent over to help Sara up, the brunette made eye contact, her brown eyes filled with pain and sorrow. "I'm so sorry, Catherine - for everything! I didn't mean to lie to you. I …"

Catherine shook her head and put a finger to Sara's lips. "I know that you are sorry. But here is not the place to discuss this." Sara nodded sadly. The more minutes passed, the more she became aware of what she had done – of how stupid and dangerous her actions were. She hadn't just put her own life at risk for nothing, but she'd also endangered Alex and Catherine. They wouldn't forgive her that – she could never forgive herself.

Right now Sara didn't have the time to think about this further, as Alex carefully placed her left arm around her shoulders. The brunette knew that this would hurt, but she also knew that she deserved it. Now she had to grit her teeth, so that at least her two saviors would get back to the mansion unharmed.

When Catherine was position on her right side, Alex started to count. "On three. One. Two. Three." With that they lifted Sara of the ground. A sharp pain shot through Sara's body, originating from her broken arm. She bit the inside of her cheek to prevent herself from screaming. As soon as she was standing, darkness overcame her again. If Alex and Catherine weren't supporting her, she would have been on the ground already.

"Take a few deep breaths. The dizziness should wear of soon." Sara tried her best to do as Catherine advised her.

Deep breaths. In and out. The three women stayed like that for a good minute, until Sara finally spoke up again. "Alright, let's go."

Alex and Catherine nodded. Slowly, carefully step after step, they started on their way back to the mansion.

Alex only hoped that she had really memorized the way they had come from …

* * *

_A/N: Soooo ... what do you think? I wanted to write something dramatic, I'm just afraid I might have exaggerated a little bit. But after the last chapter it was kind of hard to change the curse of events into another direction.  
_

_If you have any comments - good or bad - please write a review. It would be really helpful.  
_


	63. Chapter 63

_A/N: Hey guys! Here's a new update. Sorry it took me so long again. Finding time to write is really difficult at the moment. I hope you enjoy the chapter despite having to wait for it so long._

_Stormy_

* * *

**Chapter 63**

Catherine was pacing up and down the little hall. Why was this taking so long? She damn well that Sara was afraid of hospitals - not really a surprise after a childhood like that. Her co-worker didn't even have to speak it out loud - her look when they entered the emergency room said more than a thousand words. From that moment on Catherine promised herself that she wouldn't leave Sara's side. And now?

"What the hell is taking them so long?" The blonde threw an angry look at the closed door in front of her. The last thing they needed now was another one of Sara's panic attacks. But Catherine feared that this was exactly what would happen if she stayed in their alone for too long.

"Catherine calm down. She's been in there for hardly five minutes." Alex told her in a calm voice from one of the chairs beside the door Catherine was cursing at. "They just x-rayed her arm. She'll be okay." With that she leaned back again and pulled the cover tighter around her. Despite being out of the rain for almost an hour and out of her wet clothes for about twenty minutes, she still felt like an ice cube.

Catherine glared at the psychologist. "Well I'm sorry for being worried about my friend. I won't calm down until I'm at her side again. You've seen what happens when she panics." She turned around and started pacing again.

Alex couldn't help the smile forming on her lips. When Catherine spotted it her anger only increased. "Do you find that funny?" The psychologist just kept on smiling - unfortunately for her, the blonde woman standing opposite of her was ready to punch that smile off her face. To avoid any pain she answered. "You said 'friend'." It was the only thing Alex said to explain.

This only irritated Catherine more. "What?" Alex sighed. Why had everything - absolutely everything - to be so complicated when it came to the two CSIs? "You said you were worried about your friend. You didn't say 'Sara', you said 'friend'." Satisfied with her explanation she leaned back again and closed her eyes.

Catherine froze. Alex was right. She called Sara a friend - and she really meant it. Considering the events of the last few days this indeed seemed quite surprising. It even put a small smile on the blonde's lips... However, this smile vanished again when she thought about Sara being in that room all alone with a nurse.

Maybe she should just go in there. The nurse would probably not be happy about it, but she would at least be with Sara again. She was so lost in thoughts that she had no time to react when Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her down on the chair beside her.

The blonde was about to protest, but Alex was faster. "Just stay here, okay? My patience hast limits, too, and your pacing is driving me mad. They'll be finished soon and then we can go back to Sara. And until then you'll sit here!"

Catherine sighed. Alex was right. There was nothing she could do right now. Sara would be out here in a minute anyway, wouldn't she? The brunette was probably too exhausted anyway to care what was happening around her.

Right now Catherine felt totally drained. The run through the woods, the adrenaline, the emotional rollercoaster, the weather ... All that combined even topped the exhaustion she had felt once they were back from the hike the day before. But she really had no reason to complain. All she could do was thank the Lord for letting her off so lightly.

Catherine knew damn well that they were lucky today, that Sara was lucky. Thinking back to the moment when she saw her younger co-worker slipping over the edge of that slope, she shuddered. Yeah, they were lucky. This could have ended a lot worse.

Even after Sara had declared that she wasn't really hurt and could walk back to the mansion, Catherine was worried sick. After all the brunette could just have been in shock and not have realized the extent of her injuries. When the three women made their way back to mansion, slowly, step by step, Catherine's hope grew with every meter they left behind.

Their walk was mostly silent, except an occasional 'sorry' from Sara and an 'Everything will be okay' from Alex. Neither woman knew what to say. Catherine was sure that silently at least she and Alex were busy praying that Sara had no internal injuries. And Sara? Sara was realizing more and more what had happened, what she had done. And she had probably no idea how to deal with it.

Luckily the storm had calmed down considerably when they finally had arrived at the mansion. The rain had almost completely stopped and there was only a slight breeze left in the air. Once they were inside, Alex took care of everything. They placed Sara on the couch in the reception area and Catherine was told to stay beside her. That's what she did. She sat down beside her and held her cold hand.

It was the moment when she realized that their greatest enemy right now was the coldness. Catherine had touched too many dead, cold bodies in her life to prevent her thoughts from going in that direction when she held Sara's hand. Fortunately it didn't take long until Jennifer showed up with a thick blanket that they'd carefully wrapped Sara in.

She didn't hear what Jennifer was saying - and frankly she didn't care. She was focused on Sara. Catherine didn't know how much time had passed when Alex was back at her side. The psychologist had brought her car keys with her and with Jennifer's help they guided Sara into the backseat of Alex's car. Alex had explained that the phone line was dead, so they had to drive to the nearest hospital themselves.

The drive took about thirty minutes and Catherine again sent a silent thank you to God, since no fallen trees blocked their way. Once they were at the little hospital everything happened fast. They took Sara into the emergency room and from that point on the doctors and nurses took over. Catherine held Sara's hand the whole time, except when Alex ordered her to get into the dry clothes one of nurses had brought them.

Alex had made up a great story about taking a walk, getting lost in the woods and then getting caught in the storm. That's the official version about how Sara fell down that slope.

Despite Catherine's fears, Sara seemed to be okay. Maybe okay was the wrong word. She had a lot of scratches and bruises on her body, but the only real damage that was done was her obviously broken arm. The very arm which was being x-rayed at the moment.

Catherine glanced again at the door. Something that didn't go unnoticed by Alex. The psychologist carefully placed her arm around the blonde's shoulders, realizing that Catherine's I'm-a-tough-guy façade slowly seemed to break. Alex knew that the CSI had gone beyond her limits today and that she wasn't much further away from a break down than her injured co-worker.

Catherine accepted the comfort Alex was offering her. She leaned on the woman beside her, closing her eyes. A silent tear made its way down the blonde's cheek. But right now she didn't care. Everything was just too much.

She leaned in closer to Alex. Catherine knew damn well that she had to be strong for Sara now. And she would be strong again - in a minute.

They stayed like that for five more minutes, until the door opened and Sara was wheeled out in wheel chair. Fortunately the wheel chair was nothing more than hospital policy. When she heard the door open, Catherine jumped up from her chair. She was surprised how strong she felt again. Those minutes of relaxation seemed to have recharged her energy reserves.

She knelt down beside Sara. "Are you alright?" Her young friend seemed a bit shaken. Old fears, Catherine figured.

Seeing Catherine and Alex again felt like Heaven for Sara. When they had rolled her into the x-ray room she had feared that neither Catherine nor Alex would be still be there when she came out again. But they were. And her co-worker still seemed not to be mad with her. Sara knew that this would come sooner or later - she certainly deserved it - but right now she couldn't handle something like that. So she was more than happy to have Catherine smiling up at her right now. "I'm fine."

Alex stood up too and turned to the nurse pushing the wheel chair. The old lady smiled at her. "I've x-rayed the arm. I'll bring Ms. Sidle back to one of the examination rooms. You can stay with her. Dr. Parker will be with you soon to have a look at the pictures and take the necessary actions."

The psychologist nodded. "Thank you." With that they followed the nurse to the examination room.

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_A/N: I know this was a short chapter. But the next one is already with my beta, so it will probably be up by the end of next week. _

_THANKS FOR READING!_

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	64. Chapter 64

_A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all your reviews. They always make me smile :-). This is a short one, even shorter then the last one, but I hope you still enjoy it._

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**Chapter 64**

The rain was falling again when the three women made their way back to the mansion. Alex was driving. Every now and then she threw a worried look in the rear mirror at her two companions.

Tomorrow they were supposed to fly back to Las Vegas. Right now she had no idea if Sara even wanted to go back. It was hard to tell in what mood the young CSI was. Since they had left the hospital Sara had just staring out the window, lost in her own world.

Catherine on the other hand was totally focused on her co-worker. Through the mirror it looked like the blonde had a thousand things on her mind she wanted to tell Sara, but she just couldn't find the courage to do so. Well, maybe it was better like that. Of course they had to talk ... at least they should try to have a civil conversation as long as they were here. But they needed the right place for it, a place that didn't make anyone feel corned. And a car certainly wasn't such a place. So Alex kept silent, only glancing at Catherine and Sara every now and then to make sure they were okay.

Catherine wanted to say something. The silence in the car was slowly starting to drive her mad. She wanted to ask Sara how she felt. She wanted to tell her that they would work this out. She wanted to hold Sara's hand to give the distraught woman some comfort.

It was strange. In the hospital she was holding the brunette's hand all the time. And Sara didn't mind. No, she didn't mind at all. But since they'd gotten in the car, Sara was distant again. The blonde took this as the obvious sign that her co-worker didn't want to talk.

Even if there were times when Catherine could read Sara like an open book, right now she had no idea what was going on inside of the woman beside her. Was she still in pain? Did she blame herself? Was she still afraid of Catherine? What would she do once they were back in Las Vegas? Would she accept Catherine's help? Many questions, questions she would probably never get an answer for.

Sara's face didn't show any emotions. She just stared blankly out of the window.

Sara's mind was blank. She knew she should say something, talk to Catherine or at least think about what had happened and what consequences this would have. But she couldn't. Her brain refused to work. All she felt was empty. Well, emptiness combined with a good portion of pain, since the painkillers she got at the hospitals were not really working.

She concentrated on the trees outside, knowing that if she would stop, she would probably fall asleep. Sleep sounded exactly like what she needed but sleep was also the basis for nightmares and those she didn't need right now. She really wished she had received stronger painkillers, the kind that totally knock you out. That would be nice right now.

Well, a lot of things would be nicer right now than sitting in this car, since with every minute the tension seemed to become thicker. Sara's senses were probably not working properly, but she could feel Catherine's eyes on her constantly as well as Alex's worried glances in the rear mirror. She knew she should say something.

All three women were saved from their misery when the mansion finally came into view. Under different circumstances the sighs of relief from Alex, Catherine and Sara would probably be funny. Right now no one had much humor left.

Alex parked the car right in front of the main entrance and got out of the car. She took a deep breath of the cool fresh air before opening Sara's door. The brunette was fighting with her seat belt. Since she only had her left hand and her right arm was - due to the cast which went from her wrist to her elbow - hard to move, this was a real challenge. Before Alex could react, Catherine came to Sara's aid. Once the seat belt was off, Alex helped an unsteady Sara out of the car.

Catherine was quickly at their side. "Let me help you." With that she went to Sara's left side and carefully put her arm around her waist. When the brunette didn't protest Catherine concluded she made the right move.

After Alex had locked her car, the three slowly went inside. At the reception desk they were greeted by Jennifer, Dr. Waters, and another man Catherine didn't know. Obviously the crisis management circle. Upon seeing them Sara immediately let her head drop in shame.

She was totally exhausted and just wanted to sit or lay down again. Alex realized that quickly and signaled Waters to hold back. Then the psychologist turned to Sara. "Sara, we'll bring you up to your room. Then I'll get you some pills that will let you sleep, okay?" When Sara nodded wordlessly Alex turned to Dr. Waters. "I'll come see you later." With that she gave Catherine and Sara a gentle push, moving them towards the stairs. A discussion with Waters right now was the last thing any of them needed. She knew it was inevitable, but right now her first priority was letting Sara get some sleep.

When they finally reached the room, Catherine guided Sara slowly to the bed and helped her lay down. It was obvious by now that the brunette could hardly keep her eyes open. Catherine carefully sat down beside her. She was still unsure about what to say. What was right, what was wrong? It was Alex who spoke up first. "Sara, I'll go get the sleeping pills I was talking about." Hesitantly she added. "Is it okay if I leave the two of you alone?"

Sara sighed. How could it come so far? She and Catherine got along so well before this seminar and now everyone doubted they could be left alone in a room. Well, considering what happened the last time they were alone in this very room, Alex had a point. "Don't worry. We'll be fine, Alex." Sara even put a small smile on her lips to convince the psychologist. Alex returned her smile. "Great. I'll be back soon." With that the left the two CSIs alone.

Catherine felt a weight lifted off her shoulders at hearing Sara's words. That would at least mean that she wasn't afraid of her again. It was a start. So what now? To her surprise Sara took that decision from her, when she slowly reached for Catherine's hand. The older woman turned to Sara and their eyes met. Catherine was sure that the same distress, uncertainty, and fear that she saw in Sara's eyes, was reflected in her own.

"I'm truly sorry Catherine, for everything" Sara could only hope that Catherine wouldn't turn her apology down. She really didn't know what else to say. That was one of the rare clear thoughts that were running through her mind since the hospital. And she didn't just say it, she meant it.

Catherine nodded, never breaking the eye contact. "I know. I know, Sara." She gave the brunette's hand a gentle squeeze. "Right now, you need to rest and - honestly - I think I do too." She gave Sara one of her famous smiles.

Sara's next words really took her by surprise though. "We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" Her voice was quiet and it was obvious that the thought alone scared her. But she said it never the less.

It made Catherine only smile wider. "We'll talk whenever you are ready."

Sara released the breath she didn't know she was holding when she heard this. Catherine still seemed to not be mad at her. She could only hope that it would stay like this a little bit longer. Right now she wasn't sure when she would be able to endure Catherine's anger again - her state of mind was certainly not the best at the moment.

When Catherine finally stood up, Sara immediately missed the warmth of her hand. "How about we get ready for bed before Alex is back?" When the brunette nodded, Catherine went on. "Good. I'll give you a hand. You just try to move your body as little as possible." With that, mother Catherine sprang into action and started to carefully remove Sara's shoes.

Sara helped the best she could, but with every passing minute her body was hurting more and more. She could practically feel the bruises forming. Hopefully Alex had some really good pills. Since they both were wearing very comfortable sweatpants from the hospital, they decided that those would be fine to sleep in. Catherine changed her shirt, but Sara decided that the shirt she was wearing at the moment was just fine. The brunette knew that it would be very painful to get her current shirt off and even more painful to get into a new one. Despite that, Sara was sure that she had no clothes that were wide enough to fit over her cast.

Catherine had just finished changing, when Alex came back with a small bottle of pills. "Here I am. And I brought some goodies." The psychologist tried to keep her tone light. Inside she was worried sick about Sara - and not about her physical state. Right now she had no idea how to help the young CSI. Seeing the small smile on Sara's face when she held the bottle up, was enough to convince her that tonight she wouldn't find a solution. Tonight was about rest. "Catherine, can you bring me glass of water?"

"Sure" With that the blonde vanished in the bathroom, to emerge moments later with a glass filled with water. In the meantime Alex took two pills out of the bottle and sat down beside Sara on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Everything hurts." Was the honest answer she received.

Alex nodded. That was to be expected. When Catherine brought her the glass, she gave Sara the pills and helped her sit up a bit, so she could take them. When she was satisfied with the amount of water the brunette had drank, she put the glass on the night stand, checked Sara's pulse, and stood up.

"Alright, Ladies. Are you gonna be okay?"

Catherine and Sara looked at each other and then back to Alex. "We'll be fine." Sara said, echoing her earlier words.

Alex nodded. "Good. I suggest you try to rest as long as possible. You both need it. I'll leave these here." She handed the bottle of pills to Catherine. "They are strong, so I doubt that she will need more, but just in case she wakes up at night because of the pain, give her one more pill. That should be more than enough." Catherine took the bottle and took it with her to her side of the bed.

Alex threw a last glance at Sara. The brunette's eyes were already closed and it would probably only be moments until she was deep asleep. Whatever the consequences of today were, they would have to wait until tomorrow. With that she turned to Catherine. "I'll leave you alone now. Try to rest. Tomorrow is a new day. If you need something, just call my room. It's 4524. Alright?"

Catherine nodded. "Alright." She took a look at the woman in the bed, realizing that Sara was already asleep. Now she looked peaceful again. The tension from her body was almost completely gone. If it wasn't for the scratch on her cheek and the big white cast, she would have looked normal. It brought another smile to her lips. Catherine looked back up to Alex. When she spoke, her voice was just a whisper to not wake Sara. "Thanks Alex. I hope you get rest too, because you certainly deserved it. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."

"Good night." With that Alex left the room, glancing one last time at the injured woman on the bed.

What a day!

Once Alex had closed the door behind her, Catherine carefully climbed into the bed beside Sara. She could have probably jumped on it and Sara wouldn't have noticed. She didn't know if it was the exhaustion or the pills, but whatever it was, Sara was finally able to rest. And rest sounded damn good for her too. She switched the light off, and tried to find a comfortable spot under the covers. "Good night, Sara." Her whisper was only returned by Sara's regular breathing.

From here on, things could only get better…Right?


	65. Chapter 65

_A/N: Hey, guys! I'm finally back! And for those of you who still want to know how this story ends, I have good news: I actually finished it. There will be five more chapters after this one. _

_I had made the decision that I was going to finish the whole story first, and start posting the chapters later, because I was getting really frustrated when after uploading a new chapter it took me months to come up with a new one. I'm sure you guys felt the same way. _

_I only have my story on paper, not in the computer yet. So there is still a little bit work do be done. But I try to post a chapter every week. _

_Thank you all for your reviews for the last chapter. If it wouldn't have been for you guys, I would have stopped writing a long time ago. So thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!_

_Now enjoy the chapter:_

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**Chapter 65**

If someone would have told her a week ago that this seminar would change her relationship with Sara, the way she saw the younger CSI, so drastically, Catherine would have laughed at them.

Sure she came here with the goal of changing their relationship – for the better of course. Well, it certainly had changed, if for the better or worse was hard to say right now. Probably only time could tell if something good came out of this nightmare. And that's what this trip has been. A nightmare with its climax in Sara falling down that slope – and the following minutes when Catherine didn't know if her co-worker was alive or not.

For the thousandth time since they had arrived here the blonde wondered how Sara really felt about everything that had happened. Considering everything that had happened, she really couldn't tell.

Catherine's gaze wandered to the window. It was almost pitch black outside. The storm had almost completely vanished, but its thick dark clouds had stayed behind, and they were doing a great job at covering the moon. Catherine sighed, there was nothing out there that could help distract her – at least nothing she could see. The CSI turned her eyes back to the ceiling. Unfortunately there wasn't much up there either. But she definitely needed something …. anything!

Every time she closed her eyes she saw Sara slipping over the edge – and it was slowly driving her insane. She needed to do something. Carefully she pulled the cover back and swung her legs to the ground. She shivered when the cool air made contact with her naked legs and arms. Before standing up she turned around and looked at her sleeping companion. To Catherine's relief Sara was still deep asleep. The pills Alex had given her must have really knocked her out. It looked like she hadn't moved an inch since she had fallen asleep. It was probably better like that Catherine thought. At least the brunette wasn't in any physical or emotional pain right now.

Catherine shivered again. She hadn't realized before how cold the room was. Fortunately she spotted another cover on the couch. Quickly, but as quiet as possible, the blonde moved over there, trying hard not to fall over something on her way in the dark. When she finally made it without incidents she grabbed the cover and pulled it tightly around her body before sitting down on the couch. Catherine pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. And now what?

She glanced at Sara gain. She looked so peaceful …if it hadn't been for the scratches on her face and the white cast on her arm, which seemed to glow in the otherwise dark room. "Oh Sara, what have you done" Catherine whispered into the silent room. Like so often in the last few days she was overwhelmed by a mixture of different emotions.

The blonde wanted to be angry at Sara for pulling the stunt she had pulled a few hours ago … yet she couldn't – at least not right now. But what would happen tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow? Like Sara said before she fell asleep, they needed to talk – about so many things actually. Her co-worker's suicidal tendencies and panic attacks were just a few of them …

Catherine inevitably shivered when she remembered what had caused Sara's run into the forest. She had lied to her! And it wasn't one of those 'little' lies. This was a serious one. Sara had told her more than once that there never was anything between her and Gil. Well, if she thought about it longer…the brunette never outright denied it. Her so called best friend on the other hand did.

Gil Grissom had often assured her that there had never been and never would be anything between him and Sara. The last time he did that could not have been more than a few weeks ago. Catherine remembered that they had dinner together. She didn't know how the topic 'Sara' came up, but she knew that he even denied having feelings for the brunette. Now that she thought about it he even sounded a bit angry – which was rather unusual for Gil.

For some reason Catherine hadn't paid attention to this fact back then. But now it seemed strange to her…like he was mad at her. Could they have had a fight? Could they have had just broken up? Catherine shook her head. Those were just theories without evidence. The truth was only known by two people.

She glanced again at Sara's sleeping form. If Catherine wouldn't have picked up the cell phone earlier, would Sara have finally told her about her and Gil? She might have. She might even have told Gil that she would do it. Was this the reason for his call? It sounded plausible. He was pleading on the phone, pleading not to tell her. Could this be the one secret Sara was holding back all the time? The one secret that made it impossible for them to start over in their friendship? Catherine sighed. This wasn't helping. Not at all! She could go on theorizing all night, but it was only Sara who could tell the true story – maybe now the brunette was willing to.

Suddenly remembering her own reaction to Gil's phone call and Sara's attempts to explain, Catherine cursed. The younger CSI was probably ready to talk before she took off into the storm – the only problem was Catherine wasn't willing to listen. At this very moment she had felt nothing but rage. She didn't give Sara a chance to explain anything. Instead she had driven her almost to her death! Catherine's stomach tightened. If she would have acted more controlled, she could have prevented their latest adventure. Realizing this made the blonde want to puke! How could she do this to Sara?

Before she knew what she was doing, Catherine was up and moving to Sara's side of the bed, where she knelt down. Carefully she reached out to brush a strand of hair out of her face. The brunette didn't even flinch. She was still sleeping soundly. "I'm sorry, Sara." Catherine's words echoed through the silent room.

Suddenly she felt totally drained. She needed to sleep! Maybe that would clear her head and allow her to think straight again. The blonde leaned over Sara and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Tomorrow." With that she got up from the ground and padded back to her side of the bed, where she immediately climbed in. Hopefully all the thinking had calmed her mind enough to finally let her sleep. When she was tucked in, she turned to face Sara. Carefully she reached for her uninjured hand. Like that it didn't take her long to fall asleep. "Tomorrow…"

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The first thing Sara noticed when she woke up was the intense pain. Pain that seemed to come from everywhere in her body. Immediately the memories of yesterday's events started to flood her mind. She'd almost got herself killed and - even worse – she had endangered Catherine in the process. What had she done?!?!

Carefully she tried to move her sore body. Unfortunately her right arm wasn't moving at all. Slowly she started to open her eyes, trying to adjust to the light that was attacking her at once. It was obviously that the new day had already begun. And considering the bright light that was filling up the room, the weather seemed to have improved drastically.

It took Sara a good minute to get used to the light. When she finally did she opened her eyes completely and glanced down at her right arm – the one that refused to move. Right! She had received a special present from the hospital Alex and Catherine had brought her to last night. With the weight of the cast added to her arm she would need more strength then normal to move it – strength she did not seem to have at the moment.

Maybe she should start with her other arm. Unfortunately for Sara there also seemed to be a weight that held it down. After recalling yesterday's events again Sara was certain that she only had one cast. So what was the problem? Slowly the brunette opened her eyes again. This time she glanced down her left arm and was surprised at what she saw.

The 'problem' was not really something but rather someone. Another hand was firmly attached to her own. It looked like Catherine wanted to make sure she wasn't going anywhere. A justified fear, considering everything that had happened. At any other time she might have rejected this sort of contact, but right now Sara couldn't imagine anything more comforting.

Slowly she turned her head to look at her fellow CSI. Catherine's eyes were closed and her face looked relaxed and free of anger and sorrow. The question was how long it would stay like that? Sara knew that she had screwed up big time. Her biggest mistake was not telling her blonde co-worker about her affair with Grissom.

She came here with the goal to build a stronger friendship between Catherine and herself. Like so often in her life, Sara had allowed her fears to cloud her judgment. Despite Alex's definitions of 'trust', including 'honesty', she thought she knew a better way to handle the situation. And like always before it only got her into more trouble.

Sara knew that she was intelligent, but by now she should also know her qualities certainly lay in the scientific field rather than the psychological one. Unfortunately, being the stubborn person she was, she didn't admit it – or at least she didn't care about it.

It was true, sooner or later your lies always come back to haunt you. In this case it was sooner rather than later. So what now? Sara always had a reputation for her 'great' social skills. How the hell was she supposed to deal with this? She had no idea right now. The one thing she knew was that she at least had to try to fix 'this'. And this meant coming clean about Grissom and herself.

Like many of the criminals she caught on a daily basis she knew that there was already enough evidence against her. The only thing she could do now was cooperate and give a full testimony. And that was exactly what she would do today! She would answer Catherine's questions – all of them, no matter what. If the blonde would finally show mercy was a question Sara couldn't answer.

And what about Las Vegas? What about her job? She sighed and shook her head, stopping the movement immediately when her sore muscles cried out in pain again. What did Alex say? Step by step. One thing after the other. First of all Sara would do everything in her power to repair the damage which was done to her and Catherine's relationship. All the other issues like Las Vegas would depend on that outcome.

Step by Step.

This time she would follow Alex advice. Sara knew that this was her last chance to get her life back on track. If she would fail again, there was nothing left. Nothing worth liv … NO! She couldn't think like that - at least not right now. She had to talk to Catherine first.

Step by Step!

Sara carefully turned her head to the window. It seemed to be early morning. That meant that it would probably a while until their talk would take place. Maybe she should try to sleep a bit more. Her body certainly needed the rest. And later she would give everything one last chance. Later …

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_A/N: Like always comments are very welcomed._


	66. Chapter 66

_A/N: Here's the next chapter. It's a short one. Sorry about that. But it seemed like the right moment to stop. _

_Enjoy the chapter!_

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**Chapter 66**

Knock knock.

Catherine groaned and tried to pull the covers over her head. Where was that damn noise coming from?

Knock knock.

Where was she anyways? The blonde slowly blinked her eyes open. When her glance finally fell on Sara and the big cast, last night's events came floating back into her mind. They were lucky. They really were.

Knock knock.

Right, there was someone at the door. And if she wanted that someone to stop knocking she would eventually have to open the door. Carefully Catherine detangled herself from the sheets and got up. Her whole body was protesting about moving – not a big surprise after last night, considering the fact that she wasn't twenty anymore. Slowly she made her way over to the door, hopefully being able to stop whoever was on the other side from waking Sara.

Catherine had no idea what time it was, but considering the bright sunlight that was illuminating the room, it seemed to be late morning already. The unpleasant knocking was most likely Alex checking up on them.

Knock knock knock.

Catherine opened the door and sure enough there was the black haired psychologist on the other side, looking exhausted and above all really worried. For the first time since the two CSIs had arrived at the seminar Catherine felt a wave of guilt washing over her. Guilt for putting Alex through all this. And it was safe to say that what the psychologist had done for them was a lot more than most people in her place would have done.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Sorry if I woke you. I just wanted to check how you are…"

Catherine sent her a warm thankful smile. "Don't worry about it. We're fine." Then she added. "I think". The blonde CSI opened the door completely so Alex could enter the room. In order to not wake Sara, Catherine continued in a whispering tone. "My body feels sore as hell, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that." She pointed to Sara's sleeping form in the bed. "Call me crazy, but I think last night changed everything – for the better. I can't explain it but I truly believe that this…" She gestured between Sara and herself "…can really work out." The CSI sat down on the couch, a small smile grazing her lips, while she looked at her sleeping co-worker.

Alex took a seat beside the blonde, stunned by Catherine's optimistic words and the good mood the older woman was in. That wasn't what she had expected. Sure, Sara had seemed to realize that she had fucked up big time last night, but were they able to work everything out now? She doubted it. Alex chose her next words carefully. "Well, Catherine, I'm glad to hear that. Even if I have to admit, I'm a little bit surprised. Where did that optimism come from?" Alex had turned sideways to face Catherine.

The blonde shrugged, not sure how to answer that question. Although she had a good idea of what the psychologist was aiming at. Was Alex right? Was she expecting too much too soon again? "I don't know, Alex. It's weird. Sara and I didn't talk much last night, but the few things we said gave me…hope. For the first time since we came here it seemed like there was nothing between us. It's really hard to explain, but to me Sara seemed so…relieved last night…relieved to finally be able to start over."

Once again Catherine's gaze turned to her co-worker. To her surprise there were now two soft brown eyes staring back at her. "Sara…" Before she knew it she was up and beside the bed. Alex stayed on the couch, observing their reaction to each other. In the meantime Catherine was helping Sara sit up. "I'm sorry if we woke you. We tried to be quiet."

"Don't worry about it. I think it was rather the pain then you." Then she noticed the psychologist on the couch. "Hey, Alex." Alex waved her hand. "Hey, you. How are you feeling?" Sara forced a little smile on her lips. "Well, I would say I've had better days…but I can also say I've had worse. So it's okay I guess."

Alex returned her smile, even if the comment made her sad. Last night was certainly the worst night SHE had ever had to live through. The storm, the chase through the woods, the slope, Sara almost dying, yet she had felt worse in her life?!?! Life seemed really unfair sometimes.

Sara's voice broke her train of thought. "Do you, by any chance, have a few more of those lovely painkillers from last night?" Alex nodded and stood up. "In fact I do have something even better. Just let me get a glass of water." With that she vanished inside the bathroom. That left Sara and Catherine alone in the room.

"You were right." Sara said without looking at her older co-worker. Catherine frowned not sure what she meant. "With what you just said. I feel…kind of relieved…and I want to work this out…"

There was silence.

On the inside Catherine's heart was doing a happy dance. She just wasn't sure what the proper reaction would be now. The last thing she wanted was to put any pressure on Sara. She had to make clear that she wasn't expecting anything, but that she would just take what the brunette was willing to offer.

Somehow Sara must have sensed Catherine's inner battle because suddenly she started to laugh. The blonde looked at her puzzled. "What?" Sara just shook her head, still grinning. "You are really working on that thinking-first-then-speaking-thing, aren't you? I could practically hear your wheels turning. But I have to tell you, if you think about every response that long it will make a conversation really difficult."

Catherine couldn't help but roll her eyes. That was a typical Sara remark. Any other time she would have probably been offended, but right now it felt so good to release some tension with a good laugh so she decided to play along. "Yeah, well. I'm working on that."

Sara turned to her, looking directly in Catherine's eyes. She was still smiling, but the blonde could sense that something more serious was going to come. "Do that. I will too. And – if it calms your nerves – I think we should follow Alex's rules this time: baby steps." Catherine nodded. "I like the sound of that."

"So do I." Said Alex from the bathroom doorway. "Good to know you finally decided to listen to me. About time, ladies." The psychologist was smiling to make sure the CSIs knew she wasn't really mad at them. Sara and Catherine were thankful for it. But something Sara was even happier about right now were the painkillers in Alex's hand. Alex followed the brunette's gaze. "Oh, right. Sorry." She quickly went to Sara's side and handed her first the pills and then the glass of water.

After she had taken the pills, Sara leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. When the silence between the three women had stretched over several minutes Alex finally spoke up. "Well, how do you want to finish this seminar? Your flight back home is set for seven p.m., which means you should leave the mansion around four."

Catherine had thousand of ideas popping in to her head, but again she decided to keep them to herself. That's a decision Sara should make.

Irritated by the silence, Sara popped an eye open, glancing at Catherine, wondering why she wasn't making any suggestions. When she saw her co-worker stubbornly looking out the window, she got the feeling that there wasn't going to be any answer from the blonde. After glancing at Alex it seemed like the psychologist expected the answer from herself - which actually made sense if she thought about it. After all, it was her who wasn't able to handling the pressure they had put on their relationship themselves.

Well, so what did she want? She knew she wanted to take it slow. And she knew she wanted to talk about certain things. General things. What did that mean? "Well, I think first of all I want some breakfast, because I'm really starving. And then I guess we should try to create some sort of master plan about how things should develop in the future. How does that sound?"

Alex and Catherine exchanged looks and shrugged. "Sounds like a plan." They said in union.


	67. Chapter 67

_A/N: Hey guys! Here's the next chapter. For those of you who are wondering: once Cath and Sara are home my story will finally be over. I'll try to tie up all the loose ends! I hope you like the ending I have planned. _

_Before I let you read this chapter :-) I want to thank all of you who left a review for my last chapter. Even after two years I still love every single one of them *ggg*._

_And I want to send a huge thank you to Emily, my beta, for checking chapter after chapter! Don't worry! Soon it's over =)_

_And now enjoy the chapter - and don't forget to let me know what you think! ~Stormy_

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Chapter 67**

"I'm really sorry for lying to you Catherine." Sara paused, unsure how to continue. In order to gain a little bit more time to think she leaned forward, loaded her fork with more salad, and ate it slowly.

They were sitting in the restaurant at a table by the windows. Beside the mansion staff the place was empty. All the other participants of the seminar were attending some sort of final lecture about trust held by some famous psychologist before the official end this afternoon. Luckily for them, Alex, Sara, and Catherine were allowed to set their own schedule until the two CSIs were driven back to the airport.

The sun was shining directly on their table. Crazy weather, Sara thought. But she certainly wasn't complaining. The sun seemed to do wonders for her mood. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, absorbing the warmth. This felt really nice …

Suddenly Sara became aware again that she wasn't alone at the table and that she actually was in the middle of apologizing to Catherine. Quickly she opened her eyes again and cleared her throat. Catherine and Alex were looking at her expectantly. "As I said, I'm really sorry. In the beginning I agreed with Gil that we should keep it secret. After all he was my boss. We were risking our jobs. No one could know." Sara paused again.

This time Catherine spoke up, her tone soft, not accusing. "I do understand why Ecklie couldn't know, what I don't understand is why you couldn't trust us with this. I mean the team is like a family. We could have covered for you guys."

Sara sighed. How could she explain that? Was there even something like a logical explanation? She gave it a try. "I don't know about Gil, but I guess I was scared … scared of what you would think of me. I mean I was sleeping with my supervisor … and I feared that you would assume that I was doing it for a promotion or something else job based." Sara looked down and started to play with the end of her cast. She just couldn't look Catherine in the eye right now, afraid she would find confirmation for her fears.

Catherine let Sara's words sink in before she answered. "To be honest, that was exactly what I thought in the beginning when you first joined the team. There was always this subtle flirting between the two of you. Or it was probably more you flirting and Gil not knowing what to do with it." The blonde smiled, remembering a few incidents. "But with time I began to understand that there was something between you - some real chemistry, some deeper understanding. I wouldn't have had a problem with you being in a relationship and I'm pretty sure neither would the boys." She took a sip of her coffee and looked at Alex, who was nodding approvingly. Catherine nodded back, but didn't say anything else.

Sara was still looking at the table instead of Catherine. When the silence started to stretch between them again Alex spoke up. "You said that you agreed with keeping it a secret in the beginning. Did that change later on?" The psychologist tried to keep this conversation going. The whole affair was certainly a big issue in their relationship and she felt that they needed to talk about it before they left.

Sara nodded slowly and looked back up. "It did change." She stopped again, thinking about what she wanted to share here right now. "There was another reason in the beginning. Well, maybe it was the same reason from a different aspect … I don't know … Fact is that I was really scared that it wouldn't work out and that I would have to listen to the I-told-you-so from everyone." Catherine was about to interrupt, but Alex covered her hand and shook her head. The blonde closed her mouth again and waited for Sara to go on.

"Of course that was exactly what happened." Sara laughed out loud at her own stupidity. She never had a relationship that had worked out in any way. How could she ever think that Gil Grissom would be different? "It didn't work out." She turned to Alex. "And - coming back to your question - that was when I wished so badly that I had someone – anyone – to talk about this, because I was really hurting."

Sara's gaze went out of the window, thinking back to where it started and how it finally ended. "It was great in the beginning. At least for me it was. I had wanted this so badly for so long and I finally had it. I really thought we were made for each other – soul mates." A smile appeared on her lips. To Catherine it looked like it was a sad one. Sara went on. "After a little while when I really believed that it would work out I tried to convince him to tell you guys…" The smile vanished. "He almost ripped my head off. We could never tell anyone. Not ever!"

Sara stopped. That day had burned itself in her memory. That was the beginning of the end – and it was her fault, because she had brought the topic up. "The sex that night was … rough and he scared me…" Catherine couldn't believe her ears. Were they really talking about the same man? Gil Grissom??? But seeing Sara's lost eyes, the emotional pain written all over her face made her not doubt her co-workers words.

The blonde expected Sara to go on with her story, but instead Sara's head snapped up and she stared right at Catherine, a mixture of disbelief and fear in her eyes. Did she just say that?!?! Did she really tell Gil's best friend all of those details? How low could you sink? Surprisingly enough for Sara, Catherine seemed to believe her.

But what was she doing? When she had thought about talking to someone – to Catherine – about this, she never wanted to be so detailed. After all this would be highly unfair to Gil, wouldn't it? Despite everything that had happened between them she still had a lot of respect left for him – at least kind of. To talk about the sex they had had felt really inappropriate. She had already told Catherine what she wanted to tell her. That she had had a relationship - an affair - with her supervisor and that it didn't work out. That was all she had wanted. All the details including Lady Heather didn't belong here, did they? It was a matter of conscience. "Well, that doesn't really matter. The important thing is that it wasn't working out… Things became tenser and tenser between us. I really tried to work it out. Especially because I didn't want it to influence my job. Then things seemed to get better again."

This time she kept things vague. "And then … BANG … without warning he ended it and started to treat me like shit - even at work. He started to question my abilities as a CSI - not just when we were alone but also when others were present and that just was the straw that broke the camel's back…" A silent tear was slipping down Sara's cheek. She made no attempt to wipe it away.

When the silence started to stretch again, Alex figured that the brunette was finished. Slowly she leaned across the table, making sure to keep eye contact while reaching for Sara's good hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "You obviously have been hurt emotionally in this relationship." Alex chose her word carefully. "Yet, to me it seems like you are ready to move on. You could have used this opportunity to make Gil look really bad in Catherine's eyes. But you had enough self discipline and respect for the man to not do that. You have realized that this is something between you and him. That's good. And as you may have noticed, you did yourself a great favor by talking about it. Catherine knows now and I'm sure she will keep an eye on the two of you, making sure that your relationship has no effect on your job. And if she thinks Gil is overstepping his boundaries, she will tell him, right?"

She turned to Catherine. The blonde nodded. "You can be sure about that."

Alex turned back to Sara. "And if something like that happens and you feel … down … then Catherine will make sure that you won't go home and chew it over or - worse - drink. She'll make sure to drag you out somewhere. I think especially in the beginning it would be a good idea if you would make sure your other co-workers are coming along for that."

Again she turned to Catherin."It will be your job to take her mind off things. And you'll not accept a 'no' because you know now what could happen." Catherine smiled. "Consider it done."

"Good." Alex said satisfied. "Then that's solved." Sara sat upright in her chair again, wiped the lonely tear away and turned to Alex. "I really don't see how this is going to solve all my problems."

"It won't. I didn't say it was that easy. You asked me for a master plan before we left your room. I'll give you one. You just have to remember that 'solving your problems' is a long process with a lot of hard work. And you certainly won't see any results soon. A lot of things went wrong in your life Sara and it takes time to fix them." Alex sent Sara a warning look, then softened her voice again. "But you've already done the most important step: you want to try. Because the only person who can change you is you." She waited a moment to let her words sink in before continuing. "Catherine can help you on the way. But there are many things including what really happened between you and Gil that you need to talk about. And you need to talk to a neutral party."

Alex hand vanished in her pocket and pulled a little note out. She pushed it over to Sara, who picked it up and read it. The psychologist went on. "This is the address and the phone number of Dr. Carol Harper. As you can guess she is a psychologist. A very good one. Her methods are similar to mine. She is a lovely woman in her fifties and I really think she can help you, but only if you go there regularly. That's important, Sara. You can't stop, just because you feel better. I think there will always be something to talk about – especially in your job."

Sara nodded slowly. She knew this was coming sooner or later. The idea of Catherine looking out for her on the job sounded like a good idea, lately she wasn't giving 100% because she had to concentrate on not doing anything that might upset her boss. And that going out thing with Catherine and the boys didn't sound too bad either. The psychologist on the other hand was something else. Alex had said before that she would need professional help. But what if she wasn't getting along with this dear Dr. Harper? She had had trouble with every god damn psychologist in her life except Alex. What were the chances she would open up to that woman?

Alex seemed to have read her mind since she reached again for Sara's hand. "Stop that. Stop creating some worst case scenarios in your head. I know a dozen shrinks you'll probably never get along with, but I have the feeling – and you have to trust me on this one – that Carol is the right one for you. And no one expects you to tell her everything on one day. You tell her what you feel comfortable sharing and the rest will come out with time. It will take time to build a certain level of trust, but I think you can do that. I know that it will take a great deal of courage to go to her for the first time. You probably think that you've talked about everything with me and you probably okay right now. But I know deep down you know that this is not true and that you have a lot to work on."

That hit the mark, Sara thought and couldn't help but smile. Alex had known her for barely a week, yet she was able to read her so easily. "I'll try." The psychologist returned her smile." That's all I'm asking for."

She took a sip from her coffee before going on. "And to complete your master plan there are a few rules you have to follow.

First, like I said meet with Carol regularly, especially in the beginning. You'll have a lot of free time on your hands in the near future since you can hardly work with that cast. So make sure you see her twice a week at least. You can try and keep it a secret, but I don't think that's necessary. Just tell your co-workers that you are afraid you'll burn out and that you don't want to lose your job. It's not really a lie and they will understand it. But that's up to you.

Second, don't drink alone. You can drink all you want as long as you are out with someone - for example Catherine – but not alone. Like that you are forced to socialize when you feel down.

Third, when some other self destructive thoughts cross your mind call Carol or call me. I'll give you my number. It's always easier to talk to someone who is detached from your everyday life.

Forth, start a hobby. Look for something that has nothing to do with your job. Go jogging for example. Climbing. Mountain biking. Something where you can let steam off. And again, force yourself to do it regularly. Here you have your master plan. Did you understand all that or do you have further questions?"

Alex took another sip of her coffee and sent a silent prayer to God that Sara would just accept the rules instead of starting to negotiate them. To her relief she did. "Can we write them down?" Alex couldn't help but laugh. "Of course we can." Sara grinned back at her. Maybe she could really do this. Alex certainly believed in her. She glanced at Catherine. The blonde was giving her on of her famous smiles. "I'm proud of you." Sara returned Catherine's smile with a shy one of her own. "Thanks, but don't be too quick with that. That was just the theoretical part. The practical one has still to be done." The blonde shook her head. Always the pessimist. "I'm not worried about that. You are stubborn, you can do it." Sara's gaze went back out the window. Stubborn she was. Was it enough…?

A comfortable silence started to stretch between them. The sun was still shining on them and the three women were sipping their warm drinks. After a while Alex spoke up again, this time not addressing Sara, but Catherine. "And now to you."

"Me?" Catherine looked at her puzzled. "What about me?" She wasn't even sure if she wanted to hear it…

"I don't want you to think that this is just about Sara. She is certainly the one with the bigger problems but you aren't an innocent party either. Remember that thing with your daughter?" Catherine closed her eyes. Yes, she did indeed remember. But it was really nice for a few days to concentrate on someone else's problems. And Sara's problems definitely needed more attention than her own. Now she was curious what Alex had to say.

"Like I did for Sara I will give you a master plan – or at least advice – about how to handle that problem of yours – even if you didn't ask me for it. You probably think that the problem you have is almost nonexistent, compared with Sara's. A dangerous assumption if you ask me. Don't underestimate the strained relationship you have with Lindsey. I don't want to scare you, because fear is always the wrong approach, but I want to sensitize you."

Catherine sighed. Here we go. Well, maybe she could help after all. "And what is it you suggest? Because I really don't know what to do anymore. I told you that I feel like I can't reach her anymore. And I have the feeling that even if I agreed to do some therapy with her she would never come along."

Alex nodded. That was exactly the reaction she had expected from the blonde. It was always easier to tackle someone else's problems than your own. "From what you've told me I agree. For your relationship with your daughter apply the same communication rules there are for Sara and you. First of all you need to take baby steps. Don't try to change everything in a single day. That's never going to work. You need time and patience – especially patience. I think you've learned these last days what can happen if you don't hold your temper. You have to think first, then talk. I'm pretty sure your daughter manages to get under your skin a lot easier than Sara does. And she is not 'just' a co-worker, she is your daughter. Your own flesh and blood standing up against you. I'm sure that lets you explode a lot faster. So you have to remain calm. You have to listen to her. Bite the inside of your cheek if that helps to keep you quiet. You just have to listen to what she wants. Are you with me so far?"

Catherine didn't feel very enthusiastic about the speech Alex was giving her, but she nodded nevertheless.

Alex knew that she wasn't very gentle with the CSI but she had the feeling that this was the best way to get through to Catherine. She went on. "And I think therapy is an option. Maybe you should go alone. Talk to someone about the things Lindsey does and why they make you mad. In the process you'll learn a lot about yourself. The secret of good therapists is not to solve the problems of their patients. They only help their patient to solve their problems themselves. It's their job to ask questions. Questions that will make the patient think. Think about their own feelings, their needs. It's like someone is giving you a new point of view. And I think that is what you need. If you have an argument with Lindsey, go through it again afterwards with someone neutral. This will help you learn to start seeing things from a different perspective. But there is one condition. You have to listen to and think about what the therapist is telling you."

Now it was time to approach from a different angle. "And you have to accept it as what it is – advice … help. Because no one can tell you how to raise your daughter and no one in this world knows Lindsey better than you do. The question is can you do that. Can you listen to someone giving advice about how to handle your daughter? It's not that hard, right? Because that's all it would be – advice." Alex settled back in her seat, giving Catherine the time to absorb her words.

Catherine bit her tongue. Was Alex right? What exactly was she saying? "Does that mean you don't think I can do it?" The smile was long gone from the blonde's face. Alex sighed. She had to choose her next words carefully. "I didn't say that, I just want to be honest with you. I think that you don't like the idea of help from the outside because it would make you feel like you failed as a mother. That would of course be the wrong conclusion. Am I right with my assumption? You don't have to answer right now. Think about it. Just be honest to yourself. That is that big obstacle which is lying in front of you. That is the monster you are facing. And only you can overcome it. If it would make you feel better you could keep it a secret form everyone including Lindsey. I'm sure as a CSI you could hide the evidence."

Alex produced another note with another name from her pocket and handed it to Catherine. "She is great in such matters. Often deals only over the telephone with her clients. You should give it a try. Will you think about it?" Catherine stared at the little note. Ellen McHouston. Like so often these days Alex had hit the bull's eye with her words. And this time Sara wasn't the one who had to take the hit. The longer she thought about the psychologist's words the more she realized how true they were. And that was what scared her. Could she do this? Did she have the courage to accept help – advice – from an outsider?

If she thought about the challenges Sara was facing this sounded like a piece of cake. But the blonde knew that for her this was miles from the truth. Alex was still waiting for an answer. And even if she was studying her salad with great interest she knew that Sara too was curious about the answer. There was only one answer she could give. "I will think about it. And I promise you ... I promise me that I will think about it from every possible angle and that I will do what I think is best for Lindsey, not for myself."

Catherine took a deep breath. She said it. And she meant it! She grabbed the little note and let it vanish in her pocket. She prayed that she would have the same courage when she was back home. Alex swung an arm around Catherine's shoulders and pulled the older woman closer. "That was a lot more than I had expected. I'm proud of you. That answer came from the heart, but you also thought it through. This is the way you have to act with Lindsey. I know you can do that, because you are a very strong woman. Don't you agree, Sara?" The psychologist turned to the brunette. Sara nodded "I do. That was always something about you I admired. You can do that." She smiled at Catherine before looking out of the window again.

That was one intense conversation – certainly not what Sara had in mind after she woke up, but she figured that was what she needed. The brunette was sure that the only reason they were both accepting Alex's recommendations was because they were both emotionally drained. She for herself knew that she was … broken … and by that she didn't just mean her arm. All the walls around her were shattered. She had never believed that this would be something good. But it seemed it was. Sara knew that by now and she had the feeling that it was similar for Catherine.

"One last thing, Ladies." Alex tone was light and she had a smile on her lips. "There is one last rule that applies for both of you. It's actually another communication rule. Even though I'm 100% sure that you would have followed this rule even if I hadn't pointed it out right now: the things you learned here about each other are confidential and not to be used against each other – under NO circumstances. Trust, remember? And now…" Alex raised her cup of coffee "…to trust!" Sara and Catherine raised their cups. "To trust." The tree women took sips from their coffee.

The two CSIs felt a certain satisfaction. They had survived this seminar, their relationship had. It was finally time to start over. "You know…", Alex said "…you two are really really exhausting." They all couldn't help but laugh. Catherine shook her head, grinning. "I think that you were happy to deal with us instead of some boring officials. Come on you enjoyed the excitement. Admit it!"

"Excitement my ass! I promise you something though. I'll never going to forget the two of you."

This time Sara raised her cup. "To the dream team of the seminar."

"To us!" Catherine added and raised hers too.

Alex shook her head. What a week. "To us!"


	68. Chapter 68

_A/N: Hey everyone! Here's chapter 68. Big thanks to all of you left me a review for the last chapter. I really really love them :-). And don't be worried. The story includes two or three chapters about what happens when they arrive back in Las Vegas. So it's not a total open end. But why don't you just wait and decided that for yourself..._

_~Stormy_

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**Chapter 68**

The car ride back to the airport was a quiet one. Catherine and Sara were lost in their own worlds, both gazing out their window. Again it was T who was driving them. He really hated silence but after the death glare he had received from Dr. Waters coupled with her warning that the CSIs needed a nice, relaxed trip home without any disturbances he knew better than to open his mouth. And even if this silence seemed awkward to him, his two passengers seemed relaxed. They really looked okay. That was if you ignored the cast and all of the scratches on the brunette. But he had been told by Jennifer not to ask any stupid questions. And he really valued this little side job – so there was no way he would put it in jeopardy.

Catherine watched the scenery fly by her window. It felt strange to know that the seminar was finally over. They had been here just a few days, but it seemed like a small eternity – and so much had happened; she had made a new friend, Alex had given them her private number, and she had promised she would stay in touch. Catherine was really happy about that. She liked the young psychologist. And she knew how much she owed her. She glanced over at Sara.

The brunette was looking out the other window. She had received a new dose of painkillers right before they left. They were strong and should make the flight easier on her. The older CSI hoped that this was true. She really hated seeing Sara in pain. But her co-worker looked fine right now and if she needed something Catherine would be there for her.

She was curious what would happen when they arrived back in Las Vegas, they both had a lot to do. It would probably take ages to build a strong friendship between her and Sara. But that didn't matter. She was determined to make this work. And she wanted her daughter back – that certainly wouldn't be a walk in the park either. And then Sara had her other issues to work on. That was definitely a lot of work. But they were both strong women. They could do it.

The only thing that still bothered her was that the bastard Albert was getting off so easily. Sara still refused to press charges and Catherine could understand the reasons. Dr. Waters had promised that she would take disciplinary actions against him, but she also warned them that he might wiggle his way out of it again. But Albert needed to pay somehow – and Catherine was sure she would finally come up with a solution.

Damn, there was something else she forgot! Ecklie. He still hated Sara and he would do anything to get rid off her. His last plan had failed. Waters had made sure that she and Sara passed this seminar with the best possible scores. And by God, they deserved it. But like Albert, Ecklie needed a decent punishment for his little conspiracy. And Catherine needed to make sure that he would leave Sara alone in the future. A difficult task. But she was sure the boys would help her out with that. And then there was Dr. Waters hinting that she might be able to do something about it. But she had refused to give out details. Something about not being sure if it would work. Catherine prayed it would. The good Dr. Waters was more than willing to do everything in her power to make it up to them after her employee Albert had screwed up like that. Now she could just wait. And if the psychologists plan didn't work, there were always Nick, Warrick, and Greg who were always willing when it came to playing tricks on their beloved lab director – especially if it was to help Sara. Ecklie would pay – this way or the other.

And then there was Grissom. Catherine was still unsure what to do about him. She had to confront him about the affair with Sara. He had lied to her – numerous times. And he needed a good explanation for that. She felt betrayed. After all he was her best friend. The thing between him and Sara was influencing their work. And if he wasn't capable of treating Sara fairly as her supervisor they might have to look for another solution. Yep, there was a lot that had to be done, but she was ready to tackle it. And Catherine was sure that Sara was too.

The blonde was ripped from her thoughts, when T spoke up. "We're here." Catherine blinked in surprise. She hadn't even realized they were near the airport. She shrugged and turned to Sara. "Ready to head back home?"

Sara nodded slowly. "I guess I am. I just hope we are sitting in that plane soon, since those painkillers make me really dizzy."

"Don't worry, we'll just check in and then you can sit down and rest again." With that they left the car. T had already loaded their suitcases onto a baggage cart. They said their goodbyes and headed inside the airport.

After checking in they found a quiet restaurant where they decided to spend time until their departure. "I'll be right back." Catherine said as she got up from the table. "Try to stay awake until we are on the plane."

Sara gave her a weak smile in return. "I'll try."

On her way to the restrooms Catherine passed a public phone. And suddenly she had an idea. A good one actually. Why hadn't she thought of this before? She pulled out a few coins from her pocket and inserted them in the phone. Then she dialed the number she knew by heart. "Hey it's me. …. I'm fine. Thanks. …. No, I'm still in Louisiana… Listen, I need a favor …."


	69. Chapter 69

_A/N: Hey everyone! Here's chapter 69. After that just two more to go. Enjoy!!!!_

_~Stormy_

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Chapter 69**

The flight back to Las Vegas was uneventful. Sara was asleep as soon as the plane had taken off. The two CSIs hadn't really talked since they had left the mansion, but the silence between them was a comfortable one.

After they landed safely at the airport in Vegas, Catherine decided that she really wanted to see the boys. Graveyard shift would start soon and if she was lucky they would still be at the lab. She wasn't looking forward to meeting Grissom right now, but she would deal with it if necessary. And she would certainly deal with Ecklie if she ran into him – though at this hour it was very unlikely.

The blonde just doubted that Sara could handle it. She also doubted that her coworker wanted to see anyone right now. So her original plan was to drive Sara home first and then head over to the lab. To her surprise Sara also wanted to go to the lab – for her own reasons. She wanted to show Grissom her cast, otherwise she feared he would accuse her of 'playing' sick to avoid him and she wouldn't let that happen.

The reason sounded rather silly to Catherine, but she guessed that this was another side effect of Sara's painkillers. And in her opinion it would be good for the younger CSI to see her co-workers. It was also probably good for the boys to see her. Catherine knew that if she told them about the broken arm, they would be worried and would want to see her anyways. And like that they could convince themselves that Sara was – more or less – okay. A perfect plan.

She really hoped that Sara wouldn't panic. She didn't think she would, but you could never know, right? After a little inner battle Catherine decided that she would risk it. And since Sara had already made the decision to come it would be difficult to convince her otherwise anyway.

After collecting their luggage and loading it into Sara's truck, which was still parked at the airport, Catherine took the wheel and they drove to the lab. When they arrived Sara seemed to be a little more attentive. The painkillers were obviously slowly wearing off and the cold night air was clearing her head. Before entering the crime lab, Sara stopped.

She suddenly became aware of the fact that she was going to talk to Grissom and she wasn't sure if she really wanted that right now. Before Catherine could ask what was wrong, the brunette was voicing her doubts on her own. "I have no idea what to tell him…"

Catherine understood immediately whom she was referring to. She thought for a moment before answering. "You just keep it professional. Tell him about your arm and that you won't be able to work for a while. And I'm not going to leave your side. So, if he starts talking about the personal stuff, I'll have a word with him. How does that sound?"

Sara produced a weak smile. "Sounds okay, I guess. Thanks."

"Let's go then."

The two women made their way to the break room. That was a good place to start their search. And they got lucky. Nick, Warrick, and Greg were sitting around the table eating some fast food. Nick was the first to notice them. "Hey, look who's back! We missed you girls." He said in his Texas drawl. He was up in a second and ready to welcome them with a big hug when he took in Sara's appearance: the scratches, the cast. "Oh my God! What happened to you?!"

By now Warrick and Greg were up too. Greg looked at Sara's cast and then to Catherine. "Was that really necessary?"

Catherine couldn't believe her ears. Greg Sanders did not just say that, did he? She was a second away from strangling him right here. When the young CSI saw Catherine's glare he immediately raised his hands in defense. "I'm just kidding, Cat … Catherine. It was a joke. Joke! J-O-K-E!" He gave her his best goofy smile and Nick and Warrick couldn't help but laugh. "Not funny." Catherine muttered.

Then Greg rushed to Sara's side. "But seriously. What happened to you? Are you okay? Does it hurt?" He guided her to the couch and made her sit down. Catherine shook her head and couldn't help but smile. Greg could be so cute sometimes – even if she wanted to kill him the other part of the time. She knew that he deeply cared for Sara. That was the only thing that mattered right now.

In the meantime, the brunette was looking for the right words to formulate an answer to Greg's questions. "Well, I broke my arm." She said, simply stating the obvious. "It was my own fault." Maybe he would just accept that as an answer. Of course Greg being Greg didn't. Neither were Warrick and Nick who were now standing above her, looking down with concern. They were clearly expecting a more detailed explanation. Unfortunately Sara had no idea what to say. She really didn't want them to know the truth. At least not right now. She wasn't ready for this. So what was she supposed to say? She turned to Catherine looking for support.

The blonde smiled at her. Seeing the pleading look on Sara's face she decided to help her out. "Well, one of the activities we had to do was climbing. And somehow our dear Sara managed to roll back down part of the hill she had just climbed up." At least it wasn't a complete lie. The rolling-down-a-hill part was true after all. The boys looked shocked. Sara sent her a silent thank you before picking up on Catherine's version. "Yeah, I just didn't pay attention to where I was going and before I knew it I was halfway down again."

Greg sat down on the couch beside her. "That sounds horrible. Are you in pain right now? Did you injure anything else?" That was the moment when all the questions started. Nick, Warrick, and Greg were bombarding her with them. More information about the accident. How she was feeling. How the seminar was.

Sara had never been a fan of being the center of attention and she certainly wasn't right now. But the boys seemed so worried about her. It was really cute. She didn't have the heart to shove them away. So she took a deep breath and started to answer their questions as well and as truthfully as possible. Sara glanced quickly at Catherine who smiled at her and nodded approvingly. Maybe she had a family after all…

It suddenly looked like they might stay a while, so Catherine went to the cupboard, got two mugs and filled them with fresh coffee. Just at that moment Grissom entered the break room. He was not amused at all that none of his CSIs were working. He was ready to give them a verbal kick in the ass when he suddenly spotted the two reasons why they were still in the break room. Shocked he looked from Catherine to Sara and back to the blonde. "You're back." Was all he managed to stutter out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the meantime in an office complex at the other side of the country…

George Albert was gesturing wildly. He was furious. Right now he was in a little private meeting with two of his 'friends', recalling the events of the last week. "I have no fucking idea how that bitch managed to get a board meeting so damn quickly! Why did anyone agree to have a damn meeting on a Friday evening – not to mention on so short notice! I can't believe this! They're seriously thinking about revoking my license as a precaution!!!" He was marching up and down in the dimly lit office.

The two men behind the big oak desk – one sitting in the large leather chair, the other one standing beside him with his hands clasped behind his back – were looking at him calmly. There was no point in trying to interrupt one of Albert's fits of rage anyway. They would have to wait until he was finished. And he certainly wasn't yet.

"And it becomes even better… Yesterday – out of the blue – one of my old patients suddenly called. Surely more work of that bitch Waters! And that lovely woman told me that she had heard that I was finally getting what I deserve. And that she was going to sue me for how I treated her back then. Can you believe that!?!?" Albert was getting more and more furious. You don't treat a respectable man like him was like that!

"Who do they think they are?" He stopped his pacing suddenly and turned to look straight at the sitting man. "We have to show them that no one messes with the great Dr. George Albert like that! Waters' head has to roll!" He started pacing again. "And you have to hire a PI to investigate those two bitches, Willows and Sidle, who started this whole mess! I'm sure we can find a lot more stuff about them then I already received from their boss. Something that can cost them their job. We will ruin their lives!"

The two men behind the desk exchanged looks, but remained silent. Albert took a deep breath and tried to calm his hammering pulse. Then he sat down again, propping his feet on the table self-confidently. "I'm sure you can help me out here." He said, smirking at the well-dressed man in the leather chair on the other side of the desk.

The man didn't smile back. "I don't think so, George." Albert almost fell off the chair hearing this. What the hell?!?! The third man was also taken by surprise by this answer. He didn't see that coming but knew better than to question his boss. Unfortunately for him, Albert didn't possess this wisdom. "What is that supposed to mean? You are a senator! You have the money and the connections to do it!"

The senator started calmly back at him, his face unreadable. "I could do that, you are right … but I won't …" Albert couldn't believe his ears. Furious he jumped up from his chair, pointing a finger at the senator's chest. "You owe me! It was me who made sure that your sweet daughter got that treatment in that first class rehabilitation center! It was me who …"

But he didn't get any further. The senator jumped up too, his hands crashing down on the old oak desk, making the other two men wince. Now it was his turn to get angry. He glared at Albert, his voice dangerously low. "I owe you nothing! I repaid my debts by saving your sorry ass more than enough times. And enough is enough."

"You damn …"

"Watch it! You are walking a tight rope here Mister. Don't forget who I am!" He spat the words at the psychologist. "As you said…" He added. "I have money and connections and as you know I'm not exactly a saint… So don't be stupid and make me angry at you George." Eyes cold as ice stared at Albert and for the first time he understood why they had warned him from doing business with this man. An unknown feeling started to spread inside of him. Fear! Realizing that he was defeated right now, he wordlessly grabbed his coat and left the office.

Satisfied the senator sat back down and adjusted his tie. One thing less to worry about. His aide looked at him confused. The senator smiled at him and shrugged. "I'd rather have him mad at me than Sam Brown. Let's get back to work, shall we?"

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Back at the lab, Grissom looked nervously between Catherine and Sara, trying to analyze if the blonde knew 'the secret'. He cleared his throat. "So, how was the seminar?" He tried to sound casual, but failed miserably. "Interesting." Came Catherine's answer, leaving a lot of room for her supervisor to interpret.

Did she know? Grissom wondered. She wasn't glaring at him, but she wasn't smiling either. It was impossible to read her. An uneasy feeling started to settle in his stomach. She definitely knew something. He tried to make eye contact with Sara, but the brunette looked everywhere but at him. Not a good sign either.

The silence started to stretch. Nick, Warrick, and Greg looked at each other, aware of the suddenly growing tension in the room. Should they say something?

Grissom was clearing his throat again. "I thought you … you wouldn't be back before next shift." Catherine had finished filling two cups with coffee and was now walking over the couch to hand one to Sara. The brunette accepted the warm liquid happily. Catherine sat down beside her before finally answering. "Well, we just arrived at the airport and decided to say 'hello'. But don't worry, neither one of us is going to work tonight. I'll be back tomorrow, but you might have to find a temporary replacement for Sara." She carefully laid her hand on Sara's cast to emphasize her words. Catherine noticed that he must be really worried about his 'affair' since her normally so observant boss obviously hadn't noticed Sara's broken arm until now.

"Oh …" Was all he managed to get out. Warrick frowned at his supervisor. "Oh? That's all?" He had no idea what was going on here but he had the feeling that it was something he'd rather not be involved in. Yet he couldn't help it. His comment earned him a glare from Grissom. Yep, he certainly didn't want to get involved in this.

Grissom in the meantime was fighting for his self control. He couldn't let this get out of hand, not in front of Greg, Nick, and Warrick. Catherine obviously already seemed to know something. He thought of a way to get out of the room – quickly. They took him by surprise. He wasn't prepared for this. When he was back in the safety of his office, he would work out a detailed plan of how to approach Sara and find out why the hell she had broken her promise. But right now he had to play it cool. "I'm just shocked. What happened to you?"

Again it was Catherine who answered. "Climbing accident." Again she kept her answers short. "Luckily it was a simple clean break, so surgery wasn't necessary. But she definitely needs time off." Grissom nodded slowly. "Of course she does." Realizing he had a chance to leave the break room he took it. "In this case I'll go look for a temporary replacement and fill out the necessary paperwork." With that he turned around and made his way to the door.

His CSIs looked at each other in disbelief. Before he left the break room, Grissom turned around again, a forced smile on his lips. "It's good to have you back. Take your time to recover, Sara." And with that he was gone. Nick shook his head. "That was weird – even for Grissom."

Catherine ran a hand through her hair. She had to talk to him – soon! She glanced at Sara. The brunette was definitely uncomfortable. Maybe they should leave before one of the boys made up his mind and started to ask question. "How about we go home, Sara? I think we can both do with a good long relaxing sleep." Sara's mind was obviously miles away since all she got was an absent minded nod.

"Will you be okay?" It was Greg who spoke up, still looking concerned at Sara. At this the brunette looked up and gave him a weak smile. "I'm okay. Catherine is right. We need to sleep. It was a long day." With this she stood up. Catherine stood too. They said their goodbyes, deciding to have breakfast together after the next shift. After a little whining from Greg even Sara agreed to join them.

When the two women were almost at the entrance door of the lab, they were stopped by the one man they had prayed would be at home already. "Catherine, Sara. You are back." Sara flinched, hearing the voice of the assistant lab director. Grissom was bad enough. She really really couldn't deal with HIM right now. She looked pleadingly at Catherine. The blonde didn't look too happy either. But she looked more angry than afraid. Hesitantly the two women turned around to face Conrad Ecklie.

Again Catherine was the one who took the initiative. "Yes, Conrad, we're back. But to be honest, it was an exhausting week and we were just on our way back home." She prayed silently that he would just drop the topic and let them go for now. Of course Ecklie being Ecklie did no such thing. "You don't by any chance have the result documents with you? Then I could start on the paperwork right away."

That sick bastard was probably dreaming about the paperwork to fire Sara, Catherine thought angrily. She tried to hold her temper. If she exploded right in Ecklie's face, that could have serious consequences. And as satisfying as that would be it wouldn't fit into her Ecklie-has-to-pay-plan. So, even if it wasn't easy for her – she tried to remain calm. "No, Conrad, we don't have them. We were told the lab would get them by mail. I'm afraid you have to wait."

The assistant lab director was anything but happy to hear that. But before he was able to say something else, he was interrupted by the one man Catherine and Sara would have never expected to be here at this hour. "Conrad, I need to talk to you!"

It was the sheriff and he didn't sound very pleased. However when he saw Catherine and Sara his tone softened a little bit. "Catherine, Sara. You are here, too? Well, that's great it saves me a lot of time. By the way: How is your arm, Sara."

The last part made Ecklie take a closer look at the brunette CSI. What about her arm? His eyes went wide in surprise when he realized that Sara's arm, covered by the jacket that hung over her shoulders, was in a cast. What the hell had happened at that seminar? He hadn't heard from George in quite some time. So was this a good or a bad sign? And what did his boss want from him?

Sara was caught off guard by the question. Probably because she was still surprised to see the sheriff here in the first place. Maybe it was also the fact that he normally never talked to her. So where was that concern coming from? A gentle push from Catherine reminded her that she still had to answer. She cleared her throat, stammering out some sort of reply. "Well ... it's okay … thanks for asking, Sir. I'll have to take some time off though …"

"Of course you do. You'll take all the time you need. I need you fully recovered."

Sara glanced at Catherine. What the hell was going on here? Why was he concerned about her? She was about to find out, because the sheriff turned back to Ecklie. "Back to you, Conrad."

Suddenly he sounded a lot more serious. A fact Ecklie didn't like at all.

"I always thought you were good with our budget, making sure that we spend the right amount of money on the right issues." The assistant lab director looked at him confused. "Of course I am. I'm always doing what is best for the lab." The sheriff raised an eyebrow. "Really? That's interesting. Then how do you explain that you sent those two ladies to a not inexpensive seminar way out in Louisiana? When we don't have enough CSIs around here anyways?"

Ecklie felt a lump forming in his throat. This wasn't good. He had to come up with an intelligent answer. "This was in the best interest of the lab. The seminar is about improving teamwork. If our people work better together they are more efficient."

Catherine couldn't resist rolling her eyes. That was a typical Ecklie answer. To her surprise, the sheriff wasn't impressed at all with it. "Sounds logical… But what I don't understand is why you send one of our best teams."

Ecklies chin dropped. "Best team…?" The sheriff scanned through the folder he was carrying. "Catherine and Sara don't just have one of the highest solving rates, they are also friends." Ecklie's eyes went wide. Friends?!?! What the hell was he talking about? The two women also looked surprised by the sheriff's words, but before he had a chance to interrupt his boss went on.

"The head of the seminar just called me personally. A Dr. Waters. Seemed like a very competent woman to me. She complained that the Las Vegas crime lab was not able to read, since the brochure we received clearly said we should only send people there who don't really get along. But…" He paused. "You had to send Catherine and Sara. And what a surprise that these two were the best and most efficient team there."

Ecklie was speechless. This had to be a joke! Willows and Sidle friends? Best team? This was a nightmare! He pinched the bridge of this nose. He was in trouble. Catherine and Sara on the other hand were grinning widely. They both fought the urge to do a spontaneous happy dance. God praise Alex and Dr. Waters.

The sheriff wasn't finished yet. "This Dr. Waters complained almost an hour about you. She even went so far as to accuse you of sending them just because they were women and you wanted a bad entry in their record."

Ecklie looked like a fish out of water. His mouth opening and closing, but no words came out.

"Of course I tried to convince her that this couldn't be the case. Then she told me what something like that could do to the reputation of the lab if it wasn't dealt with. She convinced me that I had to take actions, something to neutralize these accusations."

Ecklie wished the ground would open and swallow him right here. Unfortunately it didn't happen and the sheriff went on.

"She even made a few suggestions. After thinking them through I came to the decision that I like them. I'm afraid I have to assume that you sent Catherine and Sara there to harm their careers. That or you can't read. Actually I don't know what is worse … Anyway, I'll give you a written warning for that. Of course we'll follow protocol and you have forty-eight hours to turn in your statement from your point of view. Furthermore I'll send you to a seminar next month. You get two weeks about the correct treatment of women in law enforcement. That will also include psychological analyses. Consider it a precaution. And better come back with a testimony that you really had no bad intentions in sending them there, that you just had a bad day and wasted a lot of our budget. These actions might seem drastic to you Conrad, but it was the only way to get that Dr. Waters off my back. She seemed to be a woman with influence. And you know how much I care about the reputation of the lab."

Ecklie was as white as a sheet, shock clearly written all over his face. He nodded slowly. His mind was in overdrive, trying to figure out how his genius plan had backfired. This was a disaster. Not knowing what else to do, he slowly turned around and headed for the safety of his office. Everyone was staring at him. The lab techs, the CSIs, even the receptionist. This was bad.

The sheriff turned back to Catherine and Sara, who tried hard not to look as happy as they were feeling right now. "I do apologize that you had to take this spontaneous trip. I hope it didn't cause you too much trouble." Catherine was the one who answered. "Don't worry. It wasn't that bad. We were actually able to strengthen our friendship. It was really interesting. The only unpleasant thing was Sara's accident." The blonde was actually a little bit surprised how easily that lie came out of her mouth. But she was protecting Sara.

And she had made the promise to herself that Ecklie would pay for this. Never in a thousand years would she have thought that it would happen so fast and with such an impact, but she was enjoying every second of it. And she knew Sara was too.

The sheriff nodded understandingly. "I'm glad to hear that. As I said before, Sara, take as much time as you need to recover. And if some special treatment becomes necessary the lab will of course pay for it." Sara was still too stunned by the latest events to answer in any way. She just nodded.

The sheriff said his goodbyes and left the lab. Catherine and Sara looked at each other. The brunette finally found her voice back. "Did that just happen? Did it really happen or are the painkillers starting to cause hallucinations?" Catherine laughed. She put her arm around Sara's shoulders and gently shoved her out of the lab. "Believe me, this just happened. And now I know I'll sleep like a baby, because I can believe in justice again." She laughed again "And remind me to send Waters a thank-you-card."

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_A/N: Any comments???? :-)_


	70. Chapter 70

_A/N: Hey guys! I'm so sorry! I was actually convinced that I had uploaded all the chapters. That's why I haven't looked at it in month! And now - thanks to my beta Emily - I realize I didn't. There are still two more chapters to go. I'm really sorry for making you wait so long ..._

The last chapter will be posted right after this one - and then it's finally done. I want to use this chance to thank all of you again for reading my story and for reviewing. When I started "Trust" as an experiment I would have never thought that so many people would actually like it :-) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! _And a big Thank You for being so patient with me. I know the last chapters came really slow ... can't say anything but sorry._

_And finally: special thanks to Emily, who was with me over whole story and corrected all the lovely mistakes I made over the time - and believe me there were quite a few ;-)_

_And now enjoy the last chapters. They will give you a few answers, but not all of them. The rest is up to your imagination._

_Take care and thanks again!_

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**Chapter 70**

For the third time that night Catherine checked every room in the lab. She knew that Gil had to be there somewhere, but like the other two times she came up empty handed. Where the hell was he hiding?

When she came in today, she had good intentions. She wanted to sort out this thing with Gil. Even if she was mad at him right after their return from Louisiana, now - after a good night of sleep - she felt ready to tackle the issue with enough self control to not let it end in a physical confrontation.

But her patience was fading and her anger rising again. Catherine knew that they would have 'the conversation' sooner or later. After all he couldn't hide forever. And if he really managed to avoid her this shift then she would turn up at his doorstep at home. She had to sort this out - for her own sake and for Sara's!

The blonde had promised her younger co-worker that she would take care of this mess. She had promised her that at least the professional relationship between the CSI and her supervisor would return back to normal. She also knew that if nothing would change, Sara was likely to make her threat true - to leave Las Vegas forever. And after everything the two women went through the last week she wouldn't allow that to happen.

Catherine had expected that it would be difficult to talk to Gil, but this was just ridiculous and childish. She shook her head and went back to the break room. She would start another attempt in a little while.

The night was slow and there was just one single case - a robbery. Before Gil had managed to give her the assignment, Nick had grabbed the paper slip, declaring that he refused to spend another boring night at the lab. Before the nightshift supervisor could protest Warrick was up too and announced that he was going to help him. Catherine found the scene in front of her rather amusing. It looked like the last days at the lab were, on the contrary to her seminar, really boring - otherwise the boys would never show that much enthusiasm about a robbery.

Gil Grissom didn't look very happy when Nick and Warrick left the room. Catherine had a good idea why. She assumed that he wanted to give the assignment to her. Like that he could avoid talking to her. His plan obviously hadn't worked. They were now alone in the break room since it was Greg's night off, but before the blonde could ask for a private conversation he turned around and left the room, muttering something about an appointment with Ecklie. And with that he was gone.

Catherine sighed. That was three hours ago. The boys were still not back and she had occupied herself with reading the latest forensic magazines in between her 'hunts' for Gil. Defeated she flopped down on the couch and grabbed the magazine again. She would read a few more articles and then start over again. He couldn't hide forever.

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Catherine looked up from her magzine. Wasn't that just Gil rushing by the break room? This was getting more and more ridiculous. But if he wanted to play hide and seek she would not turn down the challenge. Quickly she put the magazine down, got up and left the break room in the direction were she thought Gil had gone. Again he was nowhere to be seen. Her first stop was his office, but like the times before it was empty aside from his little crawling creatures. Catherine frowned. Maybe it was just wishful thinking and Gil hadn't rushed by the break room after all … The blonde was about to return back to her magazine to wait a bit longer, when she suddenly heard his voice.

"I'm really in a hurry. I have a lot to do tonight." Whom was he talking to, Catherine wondered? She started to walk to where the voice was coming from – the AV lab. "You are not the only one with a lot on his mind right now." And that sounded a lot like Ecklie. She stopped at the entrance of the lab and watched the two men. They obviously hadn't noticed her yet. "Conrad, I really have other things then your reports on my mind right now." How right you are, Catherine thought. Ecklie didn't look very pleased with the answer of the graveyard shift supervisor. "Look, Gil, maybe you haven't realized it yet, but the sheriff and I are not at the best terms at the moment. He wants all the reports of last month by the end of the week and that includes your reports. So just deliver them to me ASAP. If I don't have everything by Thursday that will have consequences."

With that Ecklie turned around abruptly and headed for the door of the AV lab. He stopped, surprised to see Catherine at the door. The last thing he wanted right now was a discussion about the seminar with her. Fortunately for him all her attention seemed to be on Grissom, who still had his back to them. Time to get out of here, he decided. He gave Catherine a polite nod as a greeting. "Maybe you can support him with finishing these reports." Without looking at him, the blonde answered. "Of course, Conrad. Gil and I have a few things to discuss anyway."

Grissom froze when he heard Catherine's voice. Damn it! Damn Conrad Ecklie! What was he supposed to do now? Ecklie immediately picked up on the growing tension in the room. He had no idea what was going on, but he decided that he didn't want to be in the middle of it. The assistant lab director had his own problems. He turned to Grissom one last time. "Thursday, Grissom!" With that he was gone, leaving Catherine and Gil behind.

A minute passed with complete silence between them. Gil had still his back turned to Catherine. The blonde decided to let him make the first move. And after a few more seconds he finally did. He turned around quickly and headed for the exit. "If you'll excuse me, I'm really busy right now. Maybe we can discuss whatever you wanted some other time?" He was looking everywhere but at Catherine while talking to her.

When he tried to push past her and 'escape' she effectively blocked his way. "If you are in such a hurry, then I make it short." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm, since she doubted he had anything important to do. "I just wanted to talk to you about the basics of a friendship and trust. And about letting personal feelings interfere with your job in general. We can do this here or you give me a bit of your time and we go to your office where we have a little privacy…" Catherine tried to keep her voice neutral, but she was angry again. There was no way that she would let him get away with ignoring the issue.

Grissom sighed defeated. Now he could be sure that Sara had broken her promise and told Catherine. So what were his options now? He certainly didn't want this conversation to take place right here – after all he had a reputation to lose. And since Catherine didn't look like she would accept a 'no' the only option was to take her to his office and start praying.

"Then let's go." Grissom finally said and led the way to his office. The blonde followed closely, trying to order her thoughts on the way. Grissom let Catherine enter his office before him. He took a last glance around the deserted hallways, making sure that no one was paying too much attention to them, before closing the door. The blonde had already taken a seat in the visitor's chair.

Grissom massaged his temples. He was already getting a headache – and the conversation hadn't even started. He sighed and took the seat opposite Catherine. "So, Catherine, what can I do for you?" The blonde's eyes immediately filled with anger and the moment the words left his lips he already regretted them. "Let's cut the crap, Gil! You know exactly what this is about." Grissom inevitably flinched at her harsh tone.

"When I came in today I thought we could have a civil conversation like adults, but instead you play hide and seek with me." He didn't dare to protest. "I thought we were friends, Gil. I don't like it when my friends lie to me." She gave him a stern look and waited for an answer.

Grissom cleared his thought before finally responding. "I can assure you Catherine that I am your friend." Catherine waited. Where was the I-didn't-lie-to-you-part? This sounded already like a confession. "Then why did you lie about you and Sara? I would have been happy for you, Gil. And if you didn't want me to know you could have talked your way out when the topic came up. You could have avoided a direct answer. Everything would have been better than lying straight to my face. Friends don't do that… And don't even start denying it."

Grissom sighed. He had really hoped to avoid this conversation. But he was obviously out of luck. Carefully he took of his glassed and laid them on the desk. What was the right answer to this? "I didn't do it to hurt you. Actually I wanted to protect you. After all I was suddenly in a relationship with a subordinate and therefore in violation of lab policy. I didn't want to put your job at risk by telling you."

Catherine wanted to believe him. She really did. But after what Sara had told her it was hard. Grissom's next words didn't exactly make him more believable. "And it was something personal between me and Sara, which by the way she had promised to never tell anyone." Catherine shook her head. She had expected this. He was trying to blame Sara for everything – and she just wouldn't allow that.

"You didn't notice, did you? It wasn't Sara who told me. In all the trust building activities and conversation she always managed to avoid the question. I thought it was funny that on the last evening it was finally you who spilled the beans. Unfortunately you were not present so I let my anger out on Sara – something I deeply regret…"

Grissom held up a hand to stop her. "What do you mean I told you?" He had no idea what Catherine was talking about. He had never told anyone – especially not he blonde. This must be Sara revenge.

Catherine sent him a cold smile. "You know, I really think that your secret would have stayed hidden if you wouldn't have put that enormous pressure on Sara by calling her all the time. Because – believe it or not – even after everything that had happened – and before you ask, I do not know exactly what had happened – she still has a lot of respect for you because you've been her mentor and friend all these years. She probably wouldn't have broken your trust."

To her surprise Gil Grissom looked almost shocked at this revelation. Was he surprised that she didn't detest him? Right now Catherine really wished Sara would have told her what had happened… Well, she still owed him an answer. "The last phone call you made… I'm sure you remember it, because you practically shouted something along the lines of 'you can't tell Catherine about our relationship! You promised!' Well, unfortunately for you, Sara was taking a shower at that very moment and I was answering the phone. Can you image my anger?"

Grissom felt like he had been slapped. Could this be true? Was it possible that he had screwed up like that? If the anger radiating from Catherine right now was any indication, the answer was 'yes'. What was he supposed to say now? "I wanted to protect you…"

Catherine shook her head. "No, Gil, you wanted to protect YOU and only YOU. And in your self-centered actions over the last weeks you did not once realize how much Sara was suffering. But she is still protecting you and that's what I don't understand."

The graveyard shift supervisor remained silent, but Catherine could see that she managed to make him think. Well, that was at least a partial success. Obviously there was something from her 'old'  
best friend left. Never in a thousand years would she have thought that he was capable of hurting another human being like that. Hopefully he would learn something from this mess …

Right now Gil's and her friendship was obviously damaged. It would take time and a lot of effort from Gil's side to rebuild everything. But the friendship was not her first priority for this conversation. "Gil, you have always taught me that we can't allow our feelings to cloud our professional judgment."

He finally looked up to meet her eyes. "Yes."

"Then why are you treating Sara the way you are?" When Catherine saw that he wanted to interrupt her she raised her hand to stop him. "Please let me finish. I'm not talking about your relationship. That is your business. And since Sara doesn't want to talk about it, it will stay your business. But I expect from you that you'll act as a supervisor. That includes treating your subordinates with the respect they deserve. Even if you and Sara have personal differences … even if you are angry with each other … you can't bring that to work. You simply have no right! Sara is a very good CSI and you know that. But right now you are slowly destroying her with the way you treat her."

She paused to let her words sink in. Grissom suddenly looked ten years older. To the blonde it seemed like he was starting to realize what he had done lately. "If you can't do that, I'll have to insist on taking on the role as Sara's supervisor personally. I'll do the evaluations and all the personnel stuff. And I'll take actions if I think you're treating her unfairly. It's your choice. Since Sara will be away for a few weeks you don't need to decide right now, but we have to work out something. It can't go on like this. I hope you agree at least with this assessment."

Catherine's monologue was answered with a long silence from Gil's part. A silence the blonde interpreted with I-will-think-about-it or at least she hoped that was what it meant. "Let me know when you've made your decision." With that she got up and headed for the door. Before she opened it, Grissom spoke up in a quiet, unsure tone "Are we going to be alright?" Catherine paused with her hand on the doorknob. Would they be alright? She felt betrayed by him.

"It will take time to rebuild the trust. The most important thing for me right now is that you change your behavior towards Sara. Time will do the rest… And if you need help with the reports for Ecklie, just leave some on my desk." With that she left his office. A strange sadness had settled within her and she guessed she wasn't the only one with that feeling right now.


	71. Chapter 71

**Epilogue**

Sara sat on the small couch in her apartment. It was almost a week after they had returned from the seminar. A week after Ecklie finally had to taste his own medicine - although her joy about this subsided after a few days. Sara was starting to fear that Ecklie would try to get back at them. Once she was back on the job, she would have to be even more careful not to give him any reason to cause trouble. Only time could tell if it would work out…

At least she was starting to feel physically better. Her arm wasn't hurting so much anymore and the bruises slowly began to fade. She was also becoming a lot better at doing things with her left hand. Unfortunately she was also already starting to get bored. Sara had spent the last days mostly in bed, sleeping and reading. She was sure that she had never slept so much in her whole life. But her body seemed to need the rest.

Spending all her time in bed was also a good excuse not to see a certain therapist. She didn't know why but she felt kind of scared of calling Dr. Harper, the psychologist Alex had recommended. Sara had felt so confident on the last day of the seminar that she would call as soon as they were back home. That confidence had clearly faded over the last few days.

Sara, being the scientist she was, had tried to analyze the situation in order to find out why. Her conclusion was that she simply wasn't ready to start talking about all her problems again. She would have to start at square one again - everything from the beginning! If she had her first session she wouldn't even know where to start. After all she had quite a list of issues.

Sara sighed. Was that a reason or an excuse?

For the tenth time today she picked up the little note Alex had given her. Dr. Carol Harper. She had to do this! For her own sake! She had to do this. At least one session, she told herself. The CSI picked up the telephone which was lying at the table in front of her and dialed the number on the note. It started ringing and she waited. "Dr. Harper's Office, Michelle speaking." Suddenly overwhelmed with fear again she pressed the end button on the phone. She just didn't have the courage to do it …

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Catherine was fighting similar problems. She'd just had a long talk with Lindsey. It probably wasn't perfect, but it was okay. Linds seemed to have understood her point. At least she thought so...

The blonde was alone in her house. Her daughter had left to go out with friends a little while ago. Things seemed to be under control, right? She didn't need some psychologist to tell her that, did she? If this was true, why was she sitting in her kitchen with her phone and the note from Alex in front of her?

Was this really the best for Lindsey? To take the advice of a stranger, of someone who didn't even know them? Maybe it was enough to work with Alex rules. Listening, holding your temper, and thinking at least twice about the things you are going to say. That was a great basis, Catherine thought. And she had followed those rules in the conversation they just had - and Lindsey wasn't screaming at her or running out of the house. It went well. It was a civilized conversation – something they hadn't had in a while.

After a few more minutes of arguing with herself, she came to the conclusion that she had everything under control.

With that she grabbed the note, went to her bedroom and put it away in one of her drawers. Maybe she needed it one day – but clearly not right now. She sat down on her bed and wondered what Sara was doing at the moment…

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Sara took another sip of her water. What the hell was wrong with her? Could it really be so hard to make a simple appointment? She stood up and started to pace around her living room.

She had to do it today. Tomorrow she had breakfast with Catherine and the boys and she wanted to tell Catherine that she had made that appointment. She wanted to show her that she could do it. That she was really willing to fight to get her life back on track. But right now it wasn't looking good for her…

"Damn!" Sara cursed out loud. She ran her left hand through her hair and sat back down. She needed to convince herself to make that call. So what where the reasons why she had to do it? They were right in front of her.

Her laptop was sitting on the table beside the phone. A document was opened. Sara had digitalized Alex rules and had added a few thoughts of her own over the last days.

One was a list of all the things she had never told anyone. Among the not so short list were issues like 'sexual abuse as a child', 'abusive boyfriend' and the 'Grissom-Lady-Heather-Issue', as she had titled it. There were obviously a lot of things that would need the attention of a professional therapist. Even if she had never believed in it before, she was convinced by now that talking could really help. At least that was the feeling she had with Alex.

The other list Sara had created were reasons why she should get help in the first place. She didn't know why she wrote all that down, but it felt good and right when she had started. For her it was like the first step in actually talking about those things. In her list were for example 'drinking', 'cutting', 'other self-destructive measures', 'screwing up on the job', 'loneliness' and 'closure'.

So what was holding her back?

Nothing, she decided and picked up the phone again. She pressed the re-dial button and waited. "Dr. Harper's Office, Michelle speaking." Sara took a deep breath. "Hi, my name is Sara Sidle. I'd like to make an appointment."


End file.
